J asked me the other night if my experience with marriage had made me afraid to remarry.
I was honest and said "a little". I think when I married xh I wasn't afraid at all because I stuck my head in the sand about what a huge decision it was. I just went with it instead of allowing myself to think about the import of it.
If I got remarried someday I would be very careful and think through exactly what I was doing. Truth be told I could never see myself at 70 years old sitting on the front porch with xh. We just didn't have that deep of a relationship. Next time I would be very honest about whether or not that kind of longevity truly was there. I also got engaged after only 8 months. 8 very ROCKY months where we were on and off and there was a lot of drama.
Anyways I'm rambling. I was just curious what everyone else thinks of this.
I don't think I'm afraid of remarrying exactly, but I know I'm definitely going to be more selective and do a lot of thinking before I consider it. I just don't want to make any of the same mistakes again.
I think it would be very hard for me to find someone that I would want to marry again. I did it way too quickly last time but I was absolutely crazy in love with my XH. We got engaged after 3 months and married after 8 months. It was too fast. So I definitely would not get married so quickly again. I've been single now though and dating again for over 5 years and I haven't met anyone that I would even consider marrying. The older I get the smaller the dating pool gets, so I just don't see it happening.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Dec 15, 2014 13:26:56 GMT -5
given my experience you'd think I'd NEVER want to be married again .. truth be told, I'd be totally up for it with the RIGHT !!!! person. there were too many RED flags that I ignored with xh thinking that in time they'd go away but they never did.
I'm not in any huge rush to get married again. I took my sweet time getting back into the dating pool since the idea of being intimate w another guy terrified me like no other. I'm barely back in the dating pool and omg SO MUCH MORE SELECTIVE this time around .... I don't date a lot simply bc I know what I'm looking for and don't want to waste my time w something I don't (key lesson learned from experience with xh - I was ready to leave at year 3 *2004* ..... I left at year 12 *2013*).
I feel very similar to you. When I got married, I was very naive and didn't really understand the enormity of marriage and what a big deal it was. We got engaged after four months and our engagement was filled with drama.
I do not want to make that mistake again, but I would like to get married again. I know what I'm looking for this time around and will make sure we are compatible and on the same page. But I am definitely afraid of messing up again.
Post by prettyinpearls on Dec 15, 2014 13:27:17 GMT -5
I wasn’t afraid, per se, but I definitely did things much differently the second time around. The biggest thing for me was going through the workbook of “1000 Questions for Couples” with H. It really opened up the communication door for us and we had some really in-depth conversations about so many important aspects of life. XH wouldn’t never done something like that with me because it would’ve been “stupid” or “what else is there to talk about?”
I think it’s hard to go into a subsequent marriage without any kind of reservations, even if they’re your own private ones that don’t have any validity to your actual relationship (if that makes sense). Our past experiences shape who we are, through no fault of our own.
I wasn’t afraid, per se, but I definitely did things much differently the second time around. The biggest thing for me was going through the workbook of “1000 Questions for Couples” with H. It really opened up the communication door for us and we had some really in-depth conversations about so many important aspects of life. XH wouldn’t never done something like that with me because it would’ve been “stupid” or “what else is there to talk about?”
I think it’s hard to go into a subsequent marriage without any kind of reservations, even if they’re your own private ones that don’t have any validity to your actual relationship (if that makes sense). Our past experiences shape who we are, through no fault of our own.
At what point in your relationship with your H did you guys go through the workbook? That sounds like a really good idea.
I wasn’t afraid, per se, but I definitely did things much differently the second time around. The biggest thing for me was going through the workbook of “1000 Questions for Couples” with H. It really opened up the communication door for us and we had some really in-depth conversations about so many important aspects of life. XH wouldn’t never done something like that with me because it would’ve been “stupid” or “what else is there to talk about?”
I think it’s hard to go into a subsequent marriage without any kind of reservations, even if they’re your own private ones that don’t have any validity to your actual relationship (if that makes sense). Our past experiences shape who we are, through no fault of our own.
At what point in your relationship with your H did you guys go through the workbook? That sounds like a really good idea.
Around the 9 month mark -- we had started to explore the idea of marriage and how we felt about it. Since we had both been divorced before and I had a child involved, we wanted to ensure we covered as many bases as possible. Obviously you never stop getting to know someone as you both grow, but this book really opened us up and asked a lot of the tough questions.
Maybe just a little?I just want my next marriage to be the one that's actually for the long term. I guess we all go into it with that intention, but you kwim. I guess I'm more afraid of how things will change if we have a child or that one of us may change and not be the partners that we thought we were. But worrying about that is probably not very useful. We can always say what if.
I am not afraid of getting married, I am more afraid of what happens after. Like, I really love my BF and want to marry him someday. I've spent the last 14 months with him and I am not sick of him at all, we get along great (we've never had a fight, even, just minor disagreements that we figure out very quickly). We're compatible in so many ways and I love the idea of growing old with him. In other words, I don't see any downside, our relationship is solid, no real reason for any doubts.
But I see so many people start out great and then something changes somewhere and they don't end up happy. That's really not even what happened in my first marriage, that one was wrong from the start and we were never actually happy. I think I never expected to be happy. But now I AM happy, and I worry that it will end someday. Like maybe in a year or 10 years or 30 years. How can I predict how I'll feel about him when I'm 50? How can I predict how he'll feel about me? What will happen in the next 50 years of life that will change us from getting along great and having a blast together now, to whatever we'll do later?
I think the biggest thing I did wrong with my first marriage was not looking too far into the future. My marriage was tolerable most of the time. I was not happy, we were not a good match, but the day to day wasn't as bad as the bigger picture. I didn't look 50 years down the road and think about whether I was making a good investment in my future. Now that I realize that, I want to look 50 years down the road and invest properly, but that's a really long time and it's scary to think about screwing up.
All that said - I will marry again, despite fears, because I believe a lot in life - and especially in love - is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees for anyone, you just make the best choice you can and hope it's the right one. I have no doubts about my BF being a good person and someone I COULD be happy with forever. Time will tell if we WILL be happy forever.
And I don't see us getting married for at least another couple of years, anyway, so hopefully by then having a 3-4 year track record of happiness will ease some of the fear of what happens in the future.
I don't think I'm afraid of remarrying exactly, but I know I'm definitely going to be more selective and do a lot of thinking before I consider it. I just don't want to make any of the same mistakes again.
Ditto this. I realized that I ignored or was blind to a lot of things that were wrong with my relationship with XH, even before we got married. I hope I've learned from that and will watch more carefully for those, and similar, things.
Ditto calle and achase that I think I was way too naïve the first time. I don't really want to grow old alone, but I'm also not set on remarrying yet. I'm still on the fence if I think humans are meant to be monogamous for the long run.
I'm not afraid to get married from the standpoint of it failing. But I've realized it's just no something I want for myself. I don't want to ever live with someone again. I don't want to go through the day to day with someone. I would love someone long term and exclusive. But I want them for the fun stuff. I want to go on dates or vacations together. We can definitely be emotional support for each other and I'd be there if they were sick or needed help. But I don't want to wake up everyday with the same routine or worry about who is going to clean or run errands.
I'm not afraid...but I am nervous and my engagement has really amplified that. My divorce was not that bad for me though, and I loved being married, so I know that it is something that I want.
I'm not afraid to get married from the standpoint of it failing. But I've realized it's just no something I want for myself. I don't want to ever live with someone again. I don't want to go through the day to day with someone. I would love someone long term and exclusive. But I want them for the fun stuff. I want to go on dates or vacations together. We can definitely be emotional support for each other and I'd be there if they were sick or needed help. But I don't want to wake up everyday with the same routine or worry about who is going to clean or run errands.
This is almost exactly how I feel! I want someone to come with me when my friends have a birthday dinner and they all have husbands or dates, or to hang with on New Years Eve, or to be there when I'm sad and need support, or want to screw :-) (and vice versa on all that). But I also want to have my bed to myself when I want, buy the food I want, not argue about the mundane (which inevitably happens) etc. Glad to know I'm not totally out there in that thinking.
Post by DirtySouth on Dec 15, 2014 14:45:56 GMT -5
After TWO divorces, hell yeah, I'm scared of remarrying. Also, I'm in a very different place now than I was going into both of my marriages. Before I was in school and then was a new graduate and I had dreams of the 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. I now have one kid and am pretty happy with just him, I own a house that I love and never want to leave, and I'm focused on a career. Since I feel no pressure or even desire for more kids and am pretty happy with my life, I think I'm going to be more likely to take things slow and date someone for quite a few years before considering marriage. I can even see myself in a long term relationship that never leads to marriage. For me, since I don't want more kids, I don't know that marriage is something that I even want.
Yes, I'm scared of remarrying. I'm scared that the person I think will love me forever will decide he no longer loves me. I'm also scared of losing half of my net worth.
I'm not afraid to get married from the standpoint of it failing. But I've realized it's just no something I want for myself. I don't want to ever live with someone again. I don't want to go through the day to day with someone. I would love someone long term and exclusive. But I want them for the fun stuff. I want to go on dates or vacations together. We can definitely be emotional support for each other and I'd be there if they were sick or needed help. But I don't want to wake up everyday with the same routine or worry about who is going to clean or run errands.
This is almost exactly how I feel! I want someone to come with me when my friends have a birthday dinner and they all have husbands or dates, or to hang with on New Years Eve, or to be there when I'm sad and need support, or want to screw :-) (and vice versa on all that). But I also want to have my bed to myself when I want, buy the food I want, not argue about the mundane (which inevitably happens) etc. Glad to know I'm not totally out there in that thinking.
Nope not alone! What I really hated about being married was always having some one in space and constantly compromising. I also didn't like being a "we" instead of a "me."
I'm not afraid to get married from the standpoint of it failing. But I've realized it's just no something I want for myself. I don't want to ever live with someone again. I don't want to go through the day to day with someone. I would love someone long term and exclusive. But I want them for the fun stuff. I want to go on dates or vacations together. We can definitely be emotional support for each other and I'd be there if they were sick or needed help. But I don't want to wake up everyday with the same routine or worry about who is going to clean or run errands.
This is almost exactly how I feel! I want someone to come with me when my friends have a birthday dinner and they all have husbands or dates, or to hang with on New Years Eve, or to be there when I'm sad and need support, or want to screw :-) (and vice versa on all that). But I also want to have my bed to myself when I want, buy the food I want, not argue about the mundane (which inevitably happens) etc. Glad to know I'm not totally out there in that thinking.
Yes to all of this!! I love getting ready for our dates, and I like him seeing the finished product! I don't like the part where I try things on and am frustrated because it doesn't fit right, so I have it in a ball on my floor while I move onto the next outfit! I love looking forward to the next time I'm going to see him, and I look forward to some overnights, but not every night together:). I like having my own space where I can be the lazy me and unwind, and I like getting the chance to miss him! But, there is sort of an "unsettled" feeling that comes with always running between our two places, living out of a suitcase on weekends, and the rush, rush that comes with all of that too. And I definitely don't want to risk losing half of my assets, for sure!
Post by stephreloaded on Dec 15, 2014 15:36:04 GMT -5
I have never been married but I think that the older you get, you think things more thoroughly and of course you are a little more apprehensive of what's to come because you understand way more what it takes to actually make a relationship work.
I am too used to live on my own and I would find it very difficult to live with someone let alone get married.
I'm terrified. We've been through a lot of the hard questions trying to find a reason to quit on the hassle of the LDR, but I'm still scared of even moving in together. I like my life the way it is now. I like having my space. I know that I'm not perfect, and I never will be, but part of my imperfection is that I'm impatient and short-tempered. And he knows this and is incredibly patient to make up for it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty about it. And what if we realize later that it was a mistake? a) I don't want to go through the administrative hassle again in either direction, and b) Deep down I'm still a little embarrassed that I made a huge naive childish mistake and married XH and had to publicly admit it by getting divorced. I reeeeeeeeally hate being wrong.
And that's enough repressed insecurity spilling out for one day!
Post by 1confused1 on Dec 15, 2014 16:31:46 GMT -5
I'm not afraid, I just don't foresee myself getting married again. after the horrible divorce process I went through, I am not going to share finances with someone, not have credit cards together, buy a house together, etc. I would happily live with someone for the rest of my life though, just not married.
I'm not afraid of remarrying at all. I got married at 18, which was incredibly stupid. I'm a totally different person now and I look forward to remarrying as an "adult" and building a relationship and life with someone.
Post by jojoandleo on Dec 15, 2014 16:53:30 GMT -5
If anything happens with H, I wouldn't be SCARED to get remarried, but I would be more CAUTIOUS. Not out of fear, but out of understanding.
I was 25 when I got engaged. 26 when married. I was an adult, but I still didn't real give a lot of thought to after the wedding. I thought it would be easy and simple like dating H was. And it was, for a while, but life gets rough and it wears on a relationship. I got married because, OMG! LOVE! I'm just not sure love is enough to sustain a marriage, though.
I think if I end up divorced, I wouldn't remarry just because I love someone. You can live with someone and share your life without that piece of paper. And if it ends, it will still be hard, but it won't be as expensive and time consuming. LOL. Also, Family Law made me a cynic. If it was really important to the person I was with, and we had been together a long time, I would considerate.
All this is hypothetical, though. LOL. H and I may stay married until we die. Or I may end up divorced and remarried before you can say, "You are moving too fast, Jojo."
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Dec 15, 2014 16:58:23 GMT -5
I'm not afraid of getting remarried at all. But I think when I was growing up, getting married was something I was afraid I would never experience. I had it so built up and romanticized in my head, waking up with your favorite person and late night talks and snuggles, and hadn't taken into consideration that it was trying to build a partnership and medical bills and demons and OMG THE SAME GODDAMN FACE EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS IN MY MUG. Now that I'm divorced, I'm not worried about checking off "marriage" anymore, which led me to realize that I don't really want it, or need it. I'm not afraid, but I am very been there, done that, bought the t-shirt about it.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I am not even a little bit afraid of remarrying. I loved being married, even with the severe lows we had. I can tell you now though I will not be marrying someone who gives even the slightest hint of having a drinking problem. I ignored a lot of red flags last time.
I'm not afraid, I just don't foresee myself getting married again. after the horrible divorce process I went through, I am not going to share finances with someone, not have credit cards together, buy a house together, etc. I would happily live with someone for the rest of my life though, just not married.
which is why should I EVER get re-married .. pre-nup will be a requirement !
Post by Wanderista on Dec 15, 2014 17:21:23 GMT -5
I haven't been married. I'm not afraid of it either. I'm not in a hurry to do it. I had a friend who rushed into getting married this summer with a guy that she met in December. It does seem to be working out for her which makes me happy but that is definitely not me.
Honestly, I'm just not thinking about it right now. I will certainly but when I dated guys before I was very aware of the passage of time in a relationship. With this BF, things are a lot more relaxed. (Possible trips abroad aside). We seem to have good communication and things just flow more than they ever have.
I do want to marry at some point but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and I am not there yet.
Post by onedayatatime on Dec 15, 2014 23:14:40 GMT -5
I don't think I will be afraid of marriage really....I am much more afraid of the initial trusting/relationship part. I think once I can get over that - if a guy makes it into the inner circle marrying him won't seem so scary. All hypothetical of course.
I loved being married, xh was someone I could see myself growing old with, and we started out great. I have a hard time with the thought of trusting someone to not change their mind again.
That said, the biggest thing I did wrong before was spend too much time thinking about the future, planning the "perfect life". Next time I am going to try very hard to pay more attention to how it is going in the present. So no rush to get married.