This has been posted before but do people have opinions/advice on when you are allowed to date after divorce? I just filed for divorce two weeks ago and a guy friend and I have gotten closer but he knows and I know that I am not ready for anything significant. We did have a great make out session at a bar this past weekend.....
I agreed to go to a sporting event with him this weekend and he wants to get a hotel room so he doesn't have to drive 6 hours.... Now I am regretting saying yes to go at all because I think it may just be akward. But he would totally be respectful....
to complicate things, he is allergic to cats and I have two cats that I would never,ever give up. so really he and I should remain just friends but maybe it could be fwb?
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I agree with everything everyone said. I just wanted to add, Can you stay in your own hotel room? Also, it sounds like you are not ready just from the cat allergy comment. You are looking for things for a way out. You don't have to do that! You owe him an explanation. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready and he should respect that. There's nothing wrong with not being ready.
One last thing: Most of the ladies here, myself included, have tried dating way too early; realized it; and ended it. There is nothing wrong with you needing your space during the emotional rollercoaster of the divorce.
Post by Emerald1486 on Dec 18, 2014 8:09:24 GMT -5
There is no hard/fast rule about when to date after a divorce. But I think the thing we all agree on is that the person should take time to find themselves again and figure things out. Going from one relationship into another is rarely a good thing or ends well.
I would say be careful with this friend though. Or have a very direct conversation. Obviously, I don't know him and he may be a great guy, but you don't want a guy who is going to prey on the fact that you are newly single.
If you want to go to the sporting event, you could get your own hotel room.
Do what makes sense for you. But based on your post, you don't seem ready. Don't let your guy "friend" pressure you or make you feel bad for backing up.
Post by stephreloaded on Dec 18, 2014 8:55:43 GMT -5
Get your own hotel room for this sporting event. There is no consensus on how soon is too soon but two weeks after filling doesn't seem like you have had enough time to move on and process the divorce.
If this guy starts to put some pressure on you, he is not your friend so run fast.
There are no hard rules. But, if you say you're not ready--you're not ready, even for a FWB.
Any guy worth his salt will wait until you're ready.
This, plus he's not a very good friend if he's totally okay pouncing on you when you're vulnerable. A good friend would be there for you to support you, not take advantage of you.
Also, slow your roll...you're already thinking long term "he's allergic to cats". Dude, you JUST filed, stop trying to determine if this guy could be the next best thing. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place.
Also, slow your roll...you're already thinking long term "he's allergic to cats". Dude, you JUST filed, stop trying to determine if this guy could be the next best thing. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place.
There are no hard rules. But, if you say you're not ready--you're not ready, even for a FWB.
Any guy worth his salt will wait until you're ready.
This, plus he's not a very good friend if he's totally okay pouncing on you when you're vulnerable. A good friend would be there for you to support you, not take advantage of you.
Also, slow your roll...you're already thinking long term "he's allergic to cats". Dude, you JUST filed, stop trying to determine if this guy could be the next best thing. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place.
I agree with all of the above. Another consideration, since you just filed. In my state, he could make this a for cause divorce due to adultery if you get involved so soon. I realize this may not be the case in your state.
Thanks ladies. My marriage was going downhill for at least 6 months to a year (concluding with my ex's alcoholism and infidelity) and this guy friend has been a listening friend for that.....
but the cat allergy is definitely a no-negotiate thing with me (not just looking for a way out, I worked and volunteered at shelters and still do) My ex was allergic to cats and just sort of grew immune after we adopted two cats together
But I will definitely take my time..... thanks again
I think at least a few months is usually smart - more if your divorce was messy and you're dealing with the trauma of it, or if you aren't over your ex, or if you are really fearful of being hurt, or really a whole long list of exceptions! I think in EVERY circumstance, 2 weeks is too soon. You need some time to heal and figure out what YOU want next on your own before jumping into something else.
Post by cuddlyevil on Dec 18, 2014 10:45:16 GMT -5
It doesn't matter how long your marriage was going down the tubes. You still need time to figure out who you are as a single (or almost-single) person.
Post by Wanderista on Dec 18, 2014 10:57:25 GMT -5
I agree that a good guy isn't going to pressure you to sleep with him or "coincidentally" set things up so that you do - especially when you are emotionally vulnerable. Give yourself some time to process your feelings. I also agree that you should minimize your expectations at this stage.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Dec 18, 2014 13:05:46 GMT -5
it took me 10 months after I left h to be remotely ok w/ the idea of 'dating' ... I filed for divorce in 9/14 roughly a year after we separated. I'm STILL not dating anyone.
I would slow things down .. my marriage had been going downhill for years and the last thing I wanted to do was jump back into the dating pool the second I left him. I needed to work on me and looking back, it was the smartest thing I did.
This. Also, it concerns me that you use the word "allowed." You're allowed to date whomever whenever. "Should" is a whole different ball game.
I also strongly agree with the PPs that if/when you do start dating, be very forthcoming that you're not ready for something serious. Among other things, it starts you off on good communication ground. When you're honest and open about where you're at and what you're looking for in a relationship, it can help set the tone for the future. When you don't feel like you can be honest, it's a big yellow flag that you need to stop and think about.