Not unreasonable. Can you talk to your dad about it and see if you can meet her beforehand? Or at least ask if she's going to be there? I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you don't want Christmas Eve to be the first time you meet her.
Talk to him and find out if she'll be there then go from there. If she will then arrange a meeting before then and if not then there's nothing to worry about. I'm assuming your parents were separated for a while before the divorce became final so I don't think it's unreasonable that he has moved on. Now if the woman was involved in the divorce then that might alter things.
If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Talk to your dad about this. But at the same time, it being Christmas Eve would make it about something else - not about "THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'RE MEETING!!!". KWIM? I feel like it could take a little bit of the pressure off. There is another focus to the night.
But truly- if you aren't ready, that's totally o.k.
I get that it is over between my parents but I think it is a little callous to throw her at me like that. I want him to be happy. Both he and my mom but I am not ready to meet her yet. My husband says I have to meet her sometime but I feel like this isn't appropriate.
Talk to him and find out if she'll be there then go from there. If she will then arrange a meeting before then and if not then there's nothing to worry about. I'm assuming your parents were separated for a while before the divorce became final so I don't think it's unreasonable that he has moved on. Now if the woman was involved in the divorce then that might alter things.
Post by Velar Fricative on Dec 18, 2014 9:02:50 GMT -5
If he confirms that she will be there on Christmas Eve I personally would grin and bear it, especially if you get along with your father and if he'd be hurt by you not coming over for Christmas because of this. Since you know very little about her, is there something that you do know about her that might bother you? I certainly don't invalidate how you feel at all but if your dad is happy with her and wants to spend Christmastime with her AND his child(ren)/grandchildren I don't think that's unreasonable on his part.
I get that it is over between my parents but I think it is a little callous to throw her at me like that. I want him to be happy. Both he and my mom but I am not ready to meet her yet. My husband says I have to meet her sometime but I feel like this isn't appropriate.
I texted him to ask who was going to be there.
Callous?
I guess I'm on the opposite side of the fence but I think it's a wee bit idk, self involved I guess to expect your father to keep his girlfriend under wraps until you're ready. The longer he's involved with her without you meeting her, the closer they become and the more difficult it will be to break things off with her if you guys don't hit it off.
I don't understand why you think he should not have her involved in his life at a major holiday because you're still feeling some kind of way about the divorce. She's not your new mom and he's not "throwing her" at you.
Now it's possible I don't know some back story and this is the skank he was dealing with that caused the end of your parents' marriage, in which case I have a different opinion. But if this is merely his new girlfriend in the natural course of things, I think you have to deal here.
If he confirms that she will be there on Christmas Eve I personally would grin and bear it, especially if you get along with your father and if he'd be hurt by you not coming over for Christmas because of this. Since you know very little about her, is there something that you do know about her that might bother you? I certainly don't invalidate how you feel at all but if your dad is happy with her and wants to spend Christmastime with her AND his child(ren)/grandchildren I don't think that's unreasonable on his part.
I know very very little about her. My dad and I used to talk every day until about July. Then he stopped calling me because I disagreed with him. Since then he probably called me 4 times and texted a couple (mostly to set up Christmas eve). We met for breakfast when he told me he had a girlfriend and showed me her picture. My cousins had already put the picture up on Facebook and friended her on Facebook. . I said. Yeah, I did see the pictures. His girlfriend promptly blocked me.
So I don't really know much about her other than she is his age, works at a bank managing a commercial portfolio (a field that I work in and ironically that is one of the banks that i didnt apply to) and has gone to my dad's family's vacation house a lot with my cousins.
I get that it is over between my parents but I think it is a little callous to throw her at me like that. I want him to be happy. Both he and my mom but I am not ready to meet her yet. My husband says I have to meet her sometime but I feel like this isn't appropriate.
I texted him to ask who was going to be there.
Callous?
I guess I'm on the opposite side of the fence but I think it's a wee bit idk, self involved I guess to expect your father to keep his girlfriend under wraps until you're ready. The longer he's involved with her without you meeting her, the closer they become and the more difficult it will be to break things off with her if you guys don't hit it off.
I don't understand why you think he should not have her involved in his life at a major holiday because you're still feeling some kind of way about the divorce. She's not your new mom and he's not "throwing her" at you.
Now it's possible I don't know some back story and this is the skank he was dealing with that caused the end of your parents' marriage, in which case I have a different opinion. But if this is merely his new girlfriend in the natural course of things, I think you have to deal here.
My mom thinks he was already involved with her and that is why he presented her with divorce papers the day he asked her.
Is it that you don't want Christmas to be the first time you meet her? Or is it that you don't want to meet her at all, right now?
Mostly Christmas. I am actually thinking of calling him and asking for tbe three of us to meet for Coffee on Sunday. I am sure she is really nice and he is generally a nice guy.
I do want to add that I understand you don't feel ready but I'm not sure what would make you ready if you share your mom's suspicions that he was involved with her prior to the divorce.
If he confirms that she will be there on Christmas Eve I personally would grin and bear it, especially if you get along with your father and if he'd be hurt by you not coming over for Christmas because of this. Since you know very little about her, is there something that you do know about her that might bother you? I certainly don't invalidate how you feel at all but if your dad is happy with her and wants to spend Christmastime with her AND his child(ren)/grandchildren I don't think that's unreasonable on his part.
I know very very little about her. My dad and I used to talk every day until about July. Then he stopped calling me because I disagreed with him. Since then he probably called me 4 times and texted a couple (mostly to set up Christmas eve). We met for breakfast when he told me he had a girlfriend and showed me her picture. My cousins had already put the picture up on Facebook and friended her on Facebook. . I said. Yeah, I did see the pictures. His girlfriend promptly blocked me.
So I don't really know much about her other than she is his age, works at a bank managing a commercial portfolio (a field that I work in and ironically that is one of the banks that i didnt apply to) and has gone to my dad's family's vacation house a lot with my cousins.
The Facebook blocking is weird. How do you know she blocked you? I wasn't sure if there was an obvious way to determine whether you've been blocked by someone on FB.
Is it that you don't want Christmas to be the first time you meet her? Or is it that you don't want to meet her at all, right now?
Mostly Christmas. I am actually thinking of calling him and asking for tbe three of us to meet for Coffee on Sunday. I am sure she is really nice and he is generally a nice guy.
I only know she blocked me because she used to comment on all the pictures and I would see them. Now she doesn't show up but it looks like my cousins are talking to no one.
I know very very little about her. My dad and I used to talk every day until about July. Then he stopped calling me because I disagreed with him. Since then he probably called me 4 times and texted a couple (mostly to set up Christmas eve). We met for breakfast when he told me he had a girlfriend and showed me her picture. My cousins had already put the picture up on Facebook and friended her on Facebook. . I said. Yeah, I did see the pictures. His girlfriend promptly blocked me.
Can you clarify this - she blocked you? After what - you posted on FB that you saw the pictures, or something else?
And I don't know if I judge that yet, because based on your reply she probably could sense the animosity from far away.
Just to put this out there (since I've been in this scenario and wound up treating a wonderful person like shit because of the "you're not my mom" feel, which is still a legitimate feeling even though I was 17): meeting her at the holiday family gathering means you'd have ample opportunity to observe her without her being up in your face the entire time (assuming you have more than a couple of people who will be there). Plus the pressure will mostly be on her, being that new insertion into a family-only scenario and being the not-mom, to meet and greet and shine, KWIM?
Anyway, you do what you have to do. But you really don't know anything about her yet, it seems based on your OP, other than she's not your mom. She may turn out to be a fabulous addition to your life that doesn't require you betraying your mom.
First of all, ((hugs)). It sounds like there is some drama that would bring out the inner ten year old in all of us. I mean, facebook blocking is kind of passive aggressive in my book. And why has she met/friended cousins already? I was prepared to tell you to suck it up and deal, but with the bits and pieces of additional info you have shared, I would try to meet your dad and gf for coffee or a drink prior to Christmas Eve if you can. I mean, you are going to have to meet her someday, but I can understand you wanting to avoid an uncomfortable meeting on a major holiday. I like Christmas Eve even more than Christmas Day, so I, too, am selective about who I spend it with. Either way, good luck.
First of all, ((hugs)). It sounds like there is some drama that would bring out the inner ten year old in all of us. I mean, facebook blocking is kind of passive aggressive in my book. And why has she met/friended cousins already? I was prepared to tell you to suck it up and deal, but with the bits and pieces of additional info you have shared, I would try to meet your dad and gf for coffee or a drink prior to Christmas Eve if you can. I mean, you are going to have to meet her someday, but I can understand you wanting to avoid an uncomfortable meeting on a major holiday. I like Christmas Eve even more than Christmas Day, so I, too, am selective about who I spend it with. Either way, good luck.
There could be other reasons, but I don't think this is unusual in general. Meeting non-immediate family can be a more comfortable way to ease into meeting immediate family.
Post by charminglife on Dec 18, 2014 9:56:16 GMT -5
Family dynamics are complicated and hard. It sounds like you're upset at the way your dad handled the divorce and ending the relationship with you mom and you're focusing on his new GF rather than his behavior.
If there's been a steep drop off in communication between you and your dad since the summer are you sure that you want to spend Xmas eve with him at all? It's OK to have feelings of anger, disappointment, frustration, whatever - perhaps this is the year to take a break from celebrating in this way with your Dad - maybe you can meet with him solo this weekend, or the weekend after Christmas, etc. Take care of yourself.
Post by Melissa W. on Dec 18, 2014 10:00:57 GMT -5
I can only guess why she blocked me and it is because I told my dad I had saw the pictures of the vacations that were posted on my cousins page. I never commented on them because I didn't know what to say.
You make a good point, Charming. I think that is a valid point. He took my "I want you and mom to be happy as everything is good". I know it isn't Girlfriends fault they divorced. It is always the two people married.
I say this with love, but you come off as acting like a 7 year old. You've admitted as much. Okay, good, we agree.
My parents divorced when I was 23, after they had been married for 26 years. I think they separated in like August, divorce was final in March, and my mom remarried in July. Seriously. I met her now-husband like 2 days before their wedding. I was in college and then moved across the country, so I didn't know what was going on in their marriage before this. To be honest, the only people who can know what is going on in a marriage are the people who are in it.
So really, that's been my mantra ever since. It's not my relationship. They are adults. I am an adult. My dad asked my brother and I if we were okay with him asking his girlfriend to move in at one point and my response was, "We're all adults; it's your relationship."
Oddly enough, I've struggled with my dad's girlfriend a bit, but not the guy my mom married right after her divorce. However, I don't think I've shown it. If you're the person who refuses to show up on Christmas Eve because she's not there, think about how that will look and how hard it will be to overcome that impression in the future. Be the person who tries. Then at least if things are tense, awkward, or just bad, you can't say you were to blame.
I can only guess why she blocked me and it is because I told my dad I had saw the pictures of the vacations that were posted on my cousins page. I never commented on them because I didn't know what to say.
You make a good point, Charming. I think that is a valid point. He took my "I want you and mom to be happy as everything is good". I know it isn't Girlfriends fault they divorced. It is always the two people married.
This is a bit of a long shot but could she have done that to "protect" you? Like she thought you were bothered or offended by seeing her posts and stuff?n
Post by Melissa W. on Dec 18, 2014 10:25:47 GMT -5
Thank you. Seriously. I needed to talk this out with rational removed people. I am going to Christmas Eve. I had already committed to this last week. I have been in churning the idea of meeting this person since then. I am not sure why he has waited until now after already introducing her to everyone.
I want my parents to be happy separated or together.
I can only guess why she blocked me and it is because I told my dad I had saw the pictures of the vacations that were posted on my cousins page. I never commented on them because I didn't know what to say.
You make a good point, Charming. I think that is a valid point. He took my "I want you and mom to be happy as everything is good". I know it isn't Girlfriends fault they divorced. It is always the two people married.
This is a bit of a long shot but could she have done that to "protect" you? Like she thought you were bothered or offended by seeing her posts and stuff?n