Post by whattheheck on Dec 18, 2014 11:55:07 GMT -5
Something I learned in my divorce class is that the person who wants the divorce is on a completely different time line than anyone else involved in/affected by the divorce - that person is giant steps ahead of everyone else. He has made decisions before other people even knew there were issues. Eventually you (and your mom) will catch up to where he is, but it sounds like you still need time to get there.
I think if you propose a reasonable alternative and avoid the potential foot stomping, temper tantrum territory (which is really, really easy to slip into in these cases) then you should be hopeful that he meets you halfway.
Post by CallingAllAngels on Dec 18, 2014 12:06:00 GMT -5
Good luck! I threw a major shit-fit the night before my mom tried to introduce us to her then-boyfriend (now husband). I was 23 years old. I am in no shape to give advice, but I hope it's not as difficult as you imagine.
Post by StrawberryBlondie on Dec 18, 2014 12:18:16 GMT -5
I don't think its unreasonable, but I think you should have a plan of what you propose instead. Meet beforehand? Keep her away from Christmas altogether? You stay away if they are going to spend Christmas Eve together?
My DH's parents separated when he was an adult and his dad "remarried" a while ago and had no interest in ever meeting the new woman. Of course, his dad had other plans and just brought her along to something once uninvited.
ETA: he didn't have I'll will toward her or anything. Just sort of a "you're irrelevant to my life and from what I do know about you you sound like we have nothing in common" sort of thing.
So I guess all that's to say that you can feel what you want and request what you want, but your dad might ultimately decide differently.
Post by orangeblossom on Dec 18, 2014 12:25:29 GMT -5
I would not be pleased to meet her on Christmas Eve. The holidays can already be emotionally fraught, and I just wouldn't want the added pressure if meeting her that day.
Can you meet her another time? It's important that the first meeting goes well as it sets the tone. The way my father introduced his SO left a lot to be desired, and caused a lot of issues. For the most part, it's better, but a better introduction would have gone a long way.
My dad and mom have divorced after 30 years. It was official in August.
He has a new girlfriend of about 4 months. Who he has told me about but I haven't met.
He invited me over for Christmas Eve. I don't know if she will be there. Is it unreasonable that I don't want to meet her then?
nope, not unreasonable at all. You're an adult, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Privilege of being an adult.
My parents divorce was final two years ago? Three? He's still with the woman he cheated on my mother with. It will be a very cold day in hell before that woman is ever in my presence.
Post by secretlyevil on Dec 18, 2014 14:40:00 GMT -5
Alright, I read the entire thread now. I still stick to my original answer. You do not HAVE to do anything. Do what you feel comfortable with, just know that your actions also have consequences.
I don't think its unreasonable, but I think you should have a plan of what you propose instead. Meet beforehand? Keep her away from Christmas altogether? You stay away if they are going to spend Christmas Eve together?
My DH's parents separated when he was an adult and his dad "remarried" a while ago and had no interest in ever meeting the new woman. Of course, his dad had other plans and just brought her along to something once uninvited.
ETA: he didn't have I'll will toward her or anything. Just sort of a "you're irrelevant to my life and from what I do know about you you sound like we have nothing in common" sort of thing.
So I guess all that's to say that you can feel what you want and request what you want, but your dad might ultimately decide differently
How can you just say 'you are irrelevant' when said person is married to a parent? This is odd to me, well, unless you (general) have no contact with said parent. Then, I get it. I mean, I get it both ways, but is the other person never to come to any functions or whatever?
I don't think its unreasonable, but I think you should have a plan of what you propose instead. Meet beforehand? Keep her away from Christmas altogether? You stay away if they are going to spend Christmas Eve together?
My DH's parents separated when he was an adult and his dad "remarried" a while ago and had no interest in ever meeting the new woman. Of course, his dad had other plans and just brought her along to something once uninvited.
ETA: he didn't have I'll will toward her or anything. Just sort of a "you're irrelevant to my life and from what I do know about you you sound like we have nothing in common" sort of thing.
So I guess all that's to say that you can feel what you want and request what you want, but your dad might ultimately decide differently
How can you just say 'you are irrelevant' when said person is married to a parent? This is odd to me, well, unless you (general) have no contact with said parent. Then, I get it. I mean, I get it both ways, but is the other person never to come to any functions or whatever?
There's ample back story that I'm not going to get into.
How does one have nothing in common with someone who is married to a close family member?
My SIL and I aren't much alike but we both love her brother so . . .
Man, my H has nothing in common with his sister. Much less me. LOL
Sent from my EVO
We have enough in common that I can hang out during holidays and not make things weird or awkward. But she's not a heifer. Things would be different if she was.
I would be really put off by the FB blocking, honestly. I think it's just...weird and passive aggressive. And from what you have stated, I would be annoyed with my dad a bit as well, for not organizing a meeting sooner. Good luck!
Is it that you don't want Christmas to be the first time you meet her? Or is it that you don't want to meet her at all, right now?
Mostly Christmas. I am actually thinking of calling him and asking for tbe three of us to meet for Coffee on Sunday. I am sure she is really nice and he is generally a nice guy.
I know I sound like a 10 year old in this post.
I have been there, and I think there's something about parents divorcing and remarrying that turns us all into 10 year olds.
Just putting it out there that maybe she isn't blocking you but recently changed her privacy settings. I would give her the benefit of the doubt for now.
Good luck and hopefully you can meet her before Christmas, I think that would make it a lot easier in the long run.
How can you just say 'you are irrelevant' when said person is married to a parent? This is odd to me, well, unless you (general) have no contact with said parent. Then, I get it. I mean, I get it both ways, but is the other person never to come to any functions or whatever?
There's ample back story that I'm not going to get into.
Not my business..just struck me. I think changed it to general you as it seemed to have a few similar stories in here.
Divorces are emotional situations. Holidays are emotional situations. All complicated. We aren't supposed to take sides, but it is hard to see one parent move on quickly when another parent may still be licking their wounds. And while he divorced your mom, not you, you were a family unit and the emotional tugs are hard to compartmentalize.
I think your proposal to meet them for coffee BEFORE Christmas Eve is an awesome gesture and a way for you to say, "Hey I want to meet your girlfriend and respect that you have a new relationship in your life. And I'd like to come join you on Christmas Eve. But I am human and will have some complicated emotions about seeing you with someone other than mom so can I break that ice before the holiday so that I can have a couple of days to sort out my feelings and then join up with you guys again Christmas Eve, already knowing her?"
It'd also be a huge gesture to your dad and her if you could find out about things she likes during your Sunday convo with her, and maybe get her a small token gift on Christmas that shows you paid attention to her, are extending the welcome for her to be in your father's life with your blessing, and so on.
If you find out that she was a hussy that stole your father from your mom you can judge her on that later.
But the fact of the situation is that someone cannot be stolen if all is right in the first relationship, and again he left your mom, not you.
No matter what, I wish you the best in the next few days. My mom introduced me to two boyfriends over the holidays and I feel like it is such a selfish thing to do - adding the weight of "do I like him?" etc. to an emotionally taxing day as it is.
And i usually hate my mom's boyfriends. Thankfully I like her current partner. He is quirky and nothing like anything I'd pick for myself but he is not an asshole, which is new and refreshing for her.
Look my parents are multi-divorced and our family is a blended disaster area. Holidays include going to a house, making pleasant talk, eating things, and watching TV. We aren't doing anything we couldn't do with complete strangers, frankly. And many years there was some sibling with a new GF or BF or surprise spouse or new baby being an a-hole, or whatever.
So I say just go and be nice and know that this isn't a any sort of big deal. It's not you taking her as a new mom, its not you condoning past behavior, or changing your stance on past disagreements. Its just people choosing to be adults and having a pleasant conversation.
I get that it is over between my parents but I think it is a little callous to throw her at me like that. I want him to be happy. Both he and my mom but I am not ready to meet her yet. My husband says I have to meet her sometime but I feel like this isn't appropriate.
I texted him to ask who was going to be there.
My parents (very unexpectedly) divorced after about 27 years of marriage a few years back. I've often thought about what it'd be like if/when one of them starts dating. They've been divorced for a few years now and it still makes me feel weird thinking about having to potentially meet one of their new significant others.
Obviously I want them both to be happy and if a SO makes them happy I'm all for it, but it is kind of weird to think about experience. I can definitely understand how you're feeling, especially since your parents divorce was so recent.
I'm also divorced myself and have pretty much been carefree about dating "too soon" but it really is different when it's your parents. I think being an adult when you're parents divorce after they've been together your whole life is a big change that I didn't realize myself until going through it. I'm not sure if I'm making sense, but I wanted to commiserate.
ETA: I haven't read any further responses, but I do think that you should go if you weren't thinking about going to meet her. I just completely understand your feelings and think it's ok to feel weird/awkward/wtf about it. But doesn't mean you need to act on those feelings.
So he's introduced her to your cousins but not you. Has he tried to introduce you before and you turned him down? I find it really odd your cousins know her but you don't.
So he's introduced her to your cousins but not you. Has he tried to introduce you before and you turned him down? I find it really odd your cousins know her but you don't.
It is odd, but it happened to me. It was actually one of the least weird things that happened in that time period, too.
Post by Melissa W. on Dec 21, 2014 16:04:46 GMT -5
So I went and met her today. It was nice. You could tell she was nervous too. My dad told me he was really happy that I suggested it. She made this huge brunch for me and my girls, who actually were on really good behavior. She has kids ranging from 28 to 32 and grandkids a little younger than my kids.
So I went and met her today. It was nice. You could tell she was nervous too. My dad told me he was really happy that I suggested it. She made this huge brunch for me and my girls, who actually were on really good behavior. She has kids ranging from 28 to 32 and grandkids a little younger than my kids.
So he's introduced her to your cousins but not you. Has he tried to introduce you before and you turned him down? I find it really odd your cousins know her but you don't.
It is odd, but it happened to me. It was actually one of the least weird things that happened in that time period, too.
My cousins range from my age to late 50 as my mom is the youngest one of four with a 20 year age gap between her and the oldest. My dad is pretty close, I guess with one of the cousins and then the cousin hosted them at Thanksgiving.
I don't think it's unreasonable that you feel you don't want to meet her.
I don't think it's unreasonable if you feel you NEVER want to meet her.
But feeling it and saying it are two different things.
I feel you because my dad might have a new girlfriend - who is younger than all his children by 15 years. He was married for 50 years, and my mother died less than a year ago.
I totally don't want to meet her at Christmas. If I do, I'll try to grin and bear it and remind myself that he deserves to be happy and it's not about me. I get that, rationally. But is that the way I feel? No, not at all.
If Christmas is a big family shindig, you might try to lightheartedly joke, 'Gee Dad, you sure you want to introduce her to all of us crazies then, at Christmas? That's a lot of pressure to lay on her at once. She might run away screaming!" But I think that's about the most you can say, and that would require that you suggest a time to meet her in a smaller setting. So the Christmas one might be easier, really.
So I figured I would update you guys. My dad just called. His girlfriend is in the hospital with kidney stones and they are keeping her overnight. (CHRISTMAS!!) Poor thing!
So I figured I would update you guys. My dad just called. His girlfriend is in the hospital with kidney stones and they are keeping her overnight. (CHRISTMAS!!) Poor thing!
Glad everything went well and she seems like a nice lady:). I think it's okay to acknowledge awkwardness about these things. And good job reaching even though it wasn't easy!