Post by starburst604 on Dec 18, 2014 12:30:13 GMT -5
I agree with PP's, a heads up would be nice so they aren't blindsided that day.
My H's cousin and his wife have been TTC for close to 5 years with several losses. I made sure that he told his cousin before the rest of the family knew, so that he could tell his wife himself rather than her hear it from someone else and be forced to try and hide her emotions. When I did see her after that she gave me a hug and congratulated me.
Thanks guys. I feel like we should say something, but a very real part of me gives no shits about either of them because of how bad the relationship is. I know it's petty, but it's the truth.
Can you tell your parents with the gifts separately from your brother and SIL? That way they don't have to be there to see the big adorable production that they have probably been thinking about doing themselves for three years. If the gifts have to be with brother and SIL present, then definitely give them a heads up. No matter how bad your relationship is, I wouldn't do something that is very likely to cause them pain.
Can you tell your parents with the gifts separately from your brother and SIL? That way they don't have to be there to see the big adorable production that they have probably been thinking about doing themselves for three years. If the gifts have to be with brother and SIL present, then definitely give them a heads up. No matter how bad your relationship is, I wouldn't do something that is very likely to cause them pain.
Yes, please do this. No matter how much you dislike them, like pinkroses said, you don't want to purposely hurt them.
It would suck for them to have to sit through your announcement and everyone's excitement, all the while wishing it was them. Especially on Christmas
Do you *have* to make a big announcement in front of everyone? Can you do the special gift/announcement for your parents separately from the family gift opening?
Do we HAVE to? No. But it's my immediately family Christmas so it is not a big gathering of people. The only people that will be there are my dad and step mom (and possibly her son who lives in the basement now, apparently) and my brother and SIL. It'll be pretty impossible to keep them out of it unless we wait for them to leave which is always pretty late and I do not have the energy to out last them.
Edit: And we live OOT so doing it the next day or something isn't really an option.
Post by estrellita on Dec 18, 2014 15:23:38 GMT -5
Personally, I think a heads up is sufficient, but then again I haven't been through years of IF. I think that way they can prepare themselves for when you do the announcement and can react in their own way on their own time. Maybe ask them how they feel about you doing an announcement in front of everyone in case they would prefer not to be there. I don't know, just a thought.
Post by midgetthemighty on Dec 18, 2014 15:24:29 GMT -5
First of all, congratulations Achi!!!
I'd give them a heads up somehow because it is the kind thing to do. We had to tell two of our closest friends who have been struggling with infertility a few weekends ago and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It was completely heartbreaking. I know that you're not close to them but I would never want to cause anyone even worse pain by announcing it in a room where everyone else is excited and they have to hide their true emotions.
Post by whiskeyandwine on Dec 18, 2014 16:00:25 GMT -5
I literally am so frustrated at this post. I am really sad and frustrated that as an adult you cannot imagine their pain, and treat them with some compassion. This says so much about you, IMO, and none of it good.
Post by rachelgreen on Dec 18, 2014 16:01:50 GMT -5
Dude.
I can guarantee that while your relationship might be shitty now and you give no fucks about their feelings but if you really want it to stay shitty, just go against that feeling you had nagging at you in the pit of your stomach. It's there for a reason.
As someone who went through 6.5 years of infertility and who is FINally going to not care about any bombs being dropped around me, it would be a very classy and kind move on your part to at the very least give them a heads up.
No, you don't have to. No, you don't have get it. But it would be cool if you tried.
I have to ditto the other IFers here and ask you to please give them a heads up, regardless of whether you like them or not. Christmas is hard enough when you're suffering infertility, and to be blindsided by your own family is like a knife in the back.
Do we HAVE to? No.But it's my immediately family Christmas so it is not a big gathering of people. The only people that will be there are my dad and step mom (and possibly her son who lives in the basement now, apparently) and my brother and SIL. It'll be pretty impossible to keep them out of it unless we wait for them to leave which is always pretty late and I do not have the energy to out last them.
Edit: And we live OOT so doing it the next day or something isn't really an option.
Well, if you can't possibly think of any other time during the day to give your parents the package when your brother and SIL aren't sitting right there, that isn't part of the family gift opening time, then you should definitely give them a heads up.
For real, it's going to be painful for them, and it's going to suck even more to have it be part of the gift opening time at Christmas which is probably something they enjoy sharing with everyone on a day that is already hard enough when struggling with IF.
I get you want a big surprise for your parents, I just was thinking maybe you could do it separately, when they aren't going to be sitting there with no way to avoid it.
Your parents will be just as surprised finding out without your brother and his wife in the room
It may also be kinda awkward for your parents, who probably are sensitive to not wanting to hurt their son on this topic with having it be right in his face on Christmas.
Regardless, they should have the chance to know beforehand.
My family is German, so we do our Christmas on the 24th. This way we can fit seeing H's families (his parents are divorced) into one day, and see everyone over Christmas and no one is left out. I work until 2 pm on the 24th and by the time we get out there it means we have a limited amount of time while we're at my Dad and step moms. Part of that will be when my SM is finishing up cooking and she does NOT like to be disturbed, then we'll be eating, then we'll open gifts, and within a fairly short order H and I will leave because I'm too tired to be there much later and still have to sit through the drive home. We can try to do it privately if the timing works out, but it's not a huge house so its going to be awkward no matter when or where we do it.
I think part of the reason I'm having a difficult time figuring this all out is because of how my brother and SIL have dealt with sensitive situations in the past with me (aka rubbed my face in it over and over again). There is no way she would even consider my feelings if the shoe were on the other foot. I generally believe in being the bigger person, and I totally get that sensitivity is required in this situation. I will be as diplomatic as possible, but it's an exciting time for us, we only plan to do this once, and I don't think I should have to spend my entire pregnancy tip toeing around her and my brother. We see them a whopping 2-3 times a year and don't generally talk other then a quick happy birthday text so it's not like she's going to be subjected to weekly updates or weekly family dinners. I really don't like feeling so petty, but given the relationship it is what it is. I've tried to bury the hatchet many times over the years and have received no effort on their end, so if they clearly don't give a damn about us it makes it pretty difficult to give a damn about them.
Post by midgetthemighty on Dec 18, 2014 16:21:04 GMT -5
If telling them in person beforehand isn't possible, a phone call would suffice. That way at least they aren't blindsided. Then you can do your announcement and have all of the joy that comes with it without having caused some unneeded additional pain. It still might be hard for them to see everyone so happy for something they've wanted for three years but at least they won't be blindsided.
You don't have to spend your entire pregnancy tip-toeing around them. Just tell them the big news before making a huge announcement about it and carry on as usual any other time you might be around them.
If telling them in person beforehand isn't possible, a phone call would suffice. That way at least they aren't blindsided. Then you can do your announcement and have all of the joy that comes with it without having caused some unneeded additional pain. It still might be hard for them to see everyone so happy for something they've wanted for three years but at least they won't be blindsided.
You don't have to spend your entire pregnancy tip-toeing around them. Just tell them the big news before making a huge announcement about it and carry on as usual any other time you might be around them.
BUUUUUUUT that one time her brother was mean to her about something that was TOTES JUST AS BAD AS BEING BARREN!
It isn't like her SIL didn't KNOW this would be a challenge, AR. Clearly SIL & BIL need to just suck it up - it's OP's SPECIAL TIME!!
Post by feistypants on Dec 18, 2014 16:26:59 GMT -5
You can for sure fix the whole situation on Christmas. Don't tell them. Expect them to be happy for you. Totally blindside them with it, and then wonder why they won't talk to you ever again.
Seriously? This is a remarkably shitty thing to do to anyone. IF isn't just another thing.
Nothing says celebrate the meaning of the season like acting like a spoiled rotten, petulant child bitch.
Whatever your relationship is, you don't have to be a heartless ass. You will never, ever understand their pain.
Ok, this name calling is really unnecessary. As I said in my OP the plan was to give them a heads up and I was looking for some feedback given some feelings I've had lately and the history of our relationship which I also provided more details on in my last post. The other details I did not provide, but will now is that we lost my mom and Opa at Christmas so it's hard time for the entire family. Announcing my pregnancy will bring a lot of joy to my father and to us and helps us to forget that those important people aren't around, even if its just for a minute.
I count myself extremely lucky that it only took us 7 cycles and a CP to get to where we are. Over the last years I have been very respectful - I have not asked about treatments or if she was pregnant or anything like that, not even once. I have not talked about our own TTC plans or the CP I experienced, and only told them we were TTCing because she was being insanely nosy and wouldn't shut up. I have done everything I can up until this point to be respectful. I will give them a heads up and try to do it in private if the timing works. No matter when we announce, it's going to be hard and I cannot change that.
Nothing says celebrate the meaning of the season like acting like a spoiled rotten, petulant child bitch.
Whatever your relationship is, you don't have to be a heartless ass. You will never, ever understand their pain.
Ok, this name calling is really unnecessary. As I said in my OP the plan was to give them a heads up and I was looking for some feedback given some feelings I've had lately and the history of our relationship which I also provided more details on in my last post. The other details I did not provide, but will now is that we lost my mom and Opa at Christmas so it's hard time for the entire family. Announcing my pregnancy will bring a lot of joy to my father and to us and helps us to forget that those important people aren't around, even if its just for a minute.
I count myself extremely lucky that it only took us 7 cycles and a CP to get to where we are. Over the last years I have been very respectful - I have not asked about treatments or if she was pregnant or anything like that, not even once. I have not talked about our own TTC plans or the CP I experienced, and only told them we were TTCing because she was being insanely nosy and wouldn't shut up. I have done everything I can up until this point to be respectful. I will give them a heads up and try to do it in private if the timing works. No matter when we announce, it's going to be hard and I cannot change that.
You're not getting it. Don't "try" to do it in private. Call them. E-mail. Do ANYTHING other than waiting until that day to ruin her Christmas.
Ok, this name calling is really unnecessary. As I said in my OP the plan was to give them a heads up and I was looking for some feedback given some feelings I've had lately and the history of our relationship which I also provided more details on in my last post. The other details I did not provide, but will now is that we lost my mom and Opa at Christmas so it's hard time for the entire family. Announcing my pregnancy will bring a lot of joy to my father and to us and helps us to forget that those important people aren't around, even if its just for a minute.
I count myself extremely lucky that it only took us 7 cycles and a CP to get to where we are. Over the last years I have been very respectful - I have not asked about treatments or if she was pregnant or anything like that, not even once. I have not talked about our own TTC plans or the CP I experienced, and only told them we were TTCing because she was being insanely nosy and wouldn't shut up. I have done everything I can up until this point to be respectful. I will give them a heads up and try to do it in private if the timing works. No matter when we announce, it's going to be hard and I cannot change that.
You're not getting it. Don't "try" to do it in private. Call them. E-mail. Do ANYTHING other than waiting until that day to ruin her Christmas.
The original plan was, and still is to text them on Sunday so they have a few days before the 24th. I think that's pretty reasonable.
Post by whiskeyandwine on Dec 18, 2014 16:35:10 GMT -5
My name calling is unnecessary but you're telling them ON CHRISTMAS is totally fucking necessary. Not. You're not only mean, I think you might be dumb too. It takes NO EFFORT to give them a heads up, you just don't want to.
Well, actually I had most of those things said to me after I had my CP, so ya.. I get it.
A CP is a terrible experience, but this isn't the fucking pain Olympics. You don't know THEIR pain.
Sadly, you're apparently so emotionally incompetent you can't even imagine it.
Holy shit, FFS you will just take anyone's words and twist them won't you? My CP was an awful experience, and it was heartbreaking. And having someone tell me to just relax, or that it wasn't meant to be or whatever other bullshit they said was awful.
And no, I'll probably never understand their pain because I haven't had to live it. What they're going through sucks, and it's not fair and it could have just as easily been me but it's not that is something I cannot change.
I asked for feedback because I was feeling unsure about what to do, I got it and then some. So thanks.
Lmfao that NOW the "original plan was and is" to tell them early? That's not what your OP says at al.
What it said was that I was planning on telling them, but starting to have second thoughts. The plan that H and I had discussed was to text them Sunday.
YOU ARE A FUCKING HEINOUS BITCH! You were SOOOOOOOO UPSET at someone being pregnant before you ever STARTED TTC? And now you can't even find a fucking shred of decency to be sensitive to your own brother and his wife?
Back story: H and I have been married coming up on 2 years and this is our 4th cycle TTC #1. I had a CP in cycle 2. H's BFF's wife is pregnant with their first and due on hallowe'en. When they told us at 8-ish weeks I nearly lost my shit (thank god they don't live in the same city and it wasn't face to face is all I have to say about that). I was pretty miserable for several days and honestly I was angry at H b/c we weren't TTCing yet (ended up starting the next month, but not at all related to his friends). I know it's kind of irrational, but I assumed that because we got married nearly a year before them that we'd be the first couple to have kids - totally dumb, I know. After they announced H found out that they had been trying since their honeymoon so it would have taken them 6-7 months to get pregnant (I don't know if there were any CPs or losses in that time) so it's not like it was an accident or anything. From time to time she'll post a bump picture or mention something about the baby and it just makes me sad and jealous. I AM happy for them, but I'm having a hard time being happy for them because it only reminds me that I'm not pregnant. I hate this.
Also, this is going to be a P&R because I'm at work and getting pretty busy.
I has having a hard fucking day.. omg. Because NO ONE is allowed to have a hard day unless they're you - right?