I has having a hard fucking day.. omg. Because NO ONE is allowed to have a hard day unless they're you - right?
shut the fuck up.
OF COURSE you can have a bad day, but you are totally blowing off your brother/SIL having THESE SAME FEELINGS on CHRISTMAS
No, I'm not blowing them off. I am trying to figure out how to balance their feelings while still being able to celebrate this amazing thing that is happening in our lives. I asked for opinions, and I got them. As I've already stated I will text SIL on Sunday. This will give her about 72 hours notice before we see them. Done.
Post by midgetthemighty on Dec 18, 2014 16:55:41 GMT -5
Well this kind of exploded. I didn't catch that you were second guessing yourself on telling them beforehand. Don't second guess yourself on that because it is the right thing to do. Pull your feelings from that bad day and multiply it times, I'm guessing, infinity. That's how they'd be feeling if you don't tell them beforehand.
Well this kind of exploded. I didn't catch that you were second guessing yourself on telling them beforehand. Don't second guess yourself on that because it is the right thing to do. Pull your feelings from that bad day and multiply it times, I'm guessing, infinity. That's how they'd be feeling if you don't tell them beforehand.
A little bit.
Thanks, midge. I was second guessing myself because of the history between us, but I am truly not trying to be insensitive or purposefully mean.
I'm glad you're planning to text them on Sunday. I'm sure they will appreciate the heads up.
I also wanted to add - try not to take it personally if they are more distant than usual at Christmas. It sounds like you're not particularly close to them anyway, but I remember having a hard time listening to SIL talk about pregnancy-related stuff when we were having trouble TTC.
I'm glad you're planning to text them on Sunday. I'm sure they will appreciate the heads up.
I also wanted to add - try not to take it personally of they are more distant than usual at Christmas. It sounds like you're not particularly close to them anyway, but I remember having a hard time listening to SIL talk about pregnancy-related stuff when we were having trouble TTC.
We aren't close to begin with, and the only time we see each other is at Christmas, for my Dad's birthday and fathers day. Oh, and family funerals. That's about it. Sometimes Thanksgiving if they aren't with SILs family. I will reach out and text or send a card for their birthdays and their anniversary but get absolutely nothing in return. I gave up trying to mend the relationship years ago once I decided that there was zero effort coming from their side and that it wasn't worth my time. I don't really anticipate my pregnancy changing the current level of communication, but regardless thank you for the heads up.
OMG how are you not understanding that it DOES NOT MATTER that you aren't "close" or that you barely ever see them?
That does not make a pregnancy announcement on Christmas Day during a family gtg any less painful for a couple going through IF.
I was talking about the level of communication since that's what azurley's post was about, not about the fact that my pregnancy (or anyone's pregnancy) is difficult for her/them.
Most of the other ladies have covered this, but dude- you're really ok with literally ruining their Christmas?
And to your point that you shouldn't have to spend your whole pregnancy tip toeing around them- would it kill you to have a little sensitivity? I've been on both sides of IF- DH and I TTC for 14 months, got a devastating severe MFI diagnosis and then got a miracle BFP before starting any kind of treatment. My sister and her DH were also TTC at the time- almost two years at that point
I told her privately, before announcing it to anyone. I made sure to tell my parents when she wasn't around. And I did tiptoe around her. I didn't talk about my appts. I didn't ask her to go baby shopping or talk names with me. I didn't obsess over ultrasound photos with her. And I never, ever, ever bitched about being pg around her. Not when my heartburn was raging, not when I couldn't sleep all night, or towards the end when it hurt to do basically anything.
Did it suck a little? Yeah, sometimes. It was likely my only pg, and I was over the moon excited. And sometimes I did resent a little bit that I felt like I couldn't be as excited as I wanted to about it around her. But at the end of the day, I got a baby and she didn't and it certainly didn't kill me to show some sensitivity to her feelings.
And FWIW, she thanked me at one point because she said she could tell how hard I was trying to be sensitive and she wanted me to know how appreciative she was.
Post by polarbearfans on Dec 18, 2014 18:33:58 GMT -5
I would give a heads up. One of my friends has been struggling to conceive, and I plan on telling her before our families because I don't want her to hear it from someone else. I am from the same small town as her, and I don't want someone to tell someone else and it get back to her. No matter the bad feelings you have towards them, it is wrong to spring this on them in front of a group knowing their struggles.
Most of the other ladies have covered this, but dude- you're really ok with literally ruining their Christmas?
And to your point that you shouldn't have to spend your whole pregnancy tip toeing around them- would it kill you to have a little sensitivity? I've been on both sides of IF- DH and I TTC for 14 months, got a devastating severe MFI diagnosis and then got a miracle BFP before starting any kind of treatment. My sister and her DH were also TTC at the time- almost two years at that point
I told her privately, before announcing it to anyone. I made sure to tell my parents when she wasn't around. And I did tiptoe around her. I didn't talk about my appts. I didn't ask her to go baby shopping or talk names with me. I didn't obsess over ultrasound photos with her. And I never, ever, ever bitched about being pg around her. Not when my heartburn was raging, not when I couldn't sleep all night, or towards the end when it hurt to do basically anything.
Did it suck a little? Yeah, sometimes. It was likely my only pg, and I was over the moon excited. And sometimes I did resent a little bit that I felt like I couldn't be as excited as I wanted to about it around her. But at the end of the day, I got a baby and she didn't and it certainly didn't kill me to show some sensitivity to her feelings.
And FWIW, she thanked me at one point because she said she could tell how hard I was trying to be sensitive and she wanted me to know how appreciative she was.
This is not stuff I would do with either of the to begin with based on our relationship. I literally see them 2-3 times a year, that's it. And when we do see each other all chit chat is mostly about work, current events or other "neutral" subjects.
Post by coribelle26 on Dec 18, 2014 19:09:21 GMT -5
I have to wonder if your "second guessing" of the decision to warn them ahead of time comes from a place of kind of wanting to rub it in. You clearly know what's right to do here, and if you choose to handle it another way you're choosing to hurt them. I can understand the impulse of wanting to hurt people who have been shitty to you, but you either want to be the kind of person who acts on that impulse or you don't.
Post by dearprudence on Dec 18, 2014 19:11:10 GMT -5
Here's what I don't get. You see these people 3 times in a year. You will be 9 weeks pregnant on Christmas, so still relatively early. Is there a reason you HAVE to do it on Christmas other than "it'll be cute?" Could you wait until, I dunno, a week later on New Years Day when they're not around? New Year New Baby!? New Year's Resolution: Have a Baby.
Here's what I don't get. You see these people 3 times in a year. You will be 9 weeks pregnant on Christmas, so still relatively early. Is there a reason you HAVE to do it on Christmas other than "it'll be cute?" Could you wait until, I dunno, a week later on New Years Day when they're not around? New Year New Baby!? New Year's Resolution: Have a Baby.
We live OOT from my Dad and SM and we really want to tell them in person. My Dad doesn't like to get news, good or bad, over the phone so we have a family history of sharing important information in person. I'll actually be a day shy of 10 weeks at Christmas and I don't think it's strange to tell parents at this time. Nearly all of my friends who have had children filled their parents in even earlier than I am in my pregnancy now. While we see my dad way more than 2-3 times a year, the next time we see my Dad I'll be 20 weeks. I do like your New Years idea, but my Dad and SM are going south after Christmas and don't come back until his birthday which is when I'll be 20 weeks which really makes Christmas the only option. It's not just about it being cute, it's a matter of timing and other events going on.
Frankly, I will never not believe that you're not just wanting to rub it in, at least a little.
You may resist that urge, but the fact that you've had it still says to much.
There's nothing I can say at this point that will convince you or others otherwise.
I've made my decision, I'll text her on Sunday and will do my absolute best to give the gift to my dad and SM privately. We're not close, we don't talk so they won't hear about doctors visits, names, aches and pains, or any of the the other things that come along with pregnancy. Other than being informed once I give birth, they'll be pretty removed from the whole thing.
Post by jennistarr1 on Dec 18, 2014 19:37:14 GMT -5
Look I hate my sister in law with a passion and she has been simply awful to me...but something made you post this and question your timing, follow your gut. Give them a heads up and proceed, I think you should be able to do it on Xmas if that is what you want to do
Post by yourmother on Dec 19, 2014 10:52:00 GMT -5
As someone who has suffered IF for years and years and finally found success after 6IUI's and 1.5 IVF's, I can only say that it would be the most painful thing ever to see these gifts laying around or listen to discussions about the happy news while eating my Christmas dinner.
I completely understand your excitement, trust me. I want to shout from the rooftops about how fucking happy I am. But if I knew there was someone (friend or foe) in the room who would have the slightest hurt feelings, I'd refrain from the gift-giving and AWness during the holiday.
Compassion is a good character trait. Some of us have it and some of us don't.
This thread made me very sad. I hope you continue to be sensitive towards her, OP. IF is really hard to deal with and having someone be smug about their pregnancy because they're feeling a tad entitled .. smh.
YOU ARE A FUCKING HEINOUS BITCH! You were SOOOOOOOO UPSET at someone being pregnant before you ever STARTED TTC? And now you can't even find a fucking shred of decency to be sensitive to your own brother and his wife?
I has having a hard fucking day.. omg. Because NO ONE is allowed to have a hard day unless they're you - right?
Take those feelings that you had and rememberf them. Now, magnify them by about 1,000. At least. That's what your bro and sil are feeling. Thats what IF feels like.
Would you wish that pain on someone else? Would you do what you can to avoid hurting someone even more than they are already hurting? Then tell them beforehand and show some compassion. oMFG.
Post by sapphireblue on Dec 20, 2014 13:02:00 GMT -5
I feel like the heads up to your brother/SIL before the 24th is essential, but further, I'd refrain from telling your father and SM while there. Even if your brother/SIL know ahead of time that you are pregnant, to have to be there for the announcement and all of that would be SO PAINFUL.
I don't know, I get that you want to do it in person so this is a tough one. As someone who wanted to be pregnant for YEARS AND YEARS, I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to be there watching that announcement, seeing the future grandparents being so excited.
Even if I found out three days earlier so it wasn't a surprise to me, it would still basically ruin Christmas for me if I were in their shoes. I'd hide it well, but that's what I'd be feeling inside.
So I wonder if there is any other possible way to do it, when they are not there.
Your going to do your own thing no matter what is said here but please, this is cruel. Don't do it. Wait till 20 weeks, it's not the end of the world. I told My parents at 18 weeks and it was fine.
Post by centralsquare on Dec 20, 2014 17:21:18 GMT -5
In fairness to OP -- I live 1500 miles from my parents. The opportunity to tell them in person meant a lot to me.
That said -- you must share your news privately. To make a big show in front of your SIL is just selfish. I understand that it's fun and cute to surprise with a gift, but you can find another time to do it. Be the compassionate person here. The history of bad will between you will only get worse.
Today I opened up a Christmas card announcement from someone who I already knew was PG and spent at least 4 hours crying. I can't imagine going through that, in person, on Christmas. Please please please celebrate with your parents alone -- I am sure your brother will be willing to leave a bit early if you are telling him in advanced.