Let me tell you about this book I just read (trigger??)

[Deleted]

It's called Maude by Donna Mabry and I'm going to spoil the shit out of it because no one should have to sob this much and be so hateful over a book that ain't even all that well written. Plus, I'm angry and I need to tell people how much I want to stab people in this book.

Maude was apparently Donna Mabry's grandmother. (True story, I think.) She was born in 1898 iirc. When she was seven, her parents died and the shock of it caused her sister to miscarry. When she was fourteen, her sister and the whole fucking town basically decided that since the sister and her husband didn't want to keep her anymore, she ought to marry some dude in their town.

But whatever. It's that era so fine. They marry. They're happy. They have a baby named Lulu. And then dude gets clocked in the head with a baseball while playing for a scout. He dies on the damned spot and we're all very sad. Maude keeps living with his parents because they love her but then FIL kicks the bucket, dead less than a year later from the sads. MIL says, eh, you might want to think about getting married again because I love you but Imma die eventually but until then, I think I'll go live with my sister in some town you don't want to move to.

Maude is all, dude, no. I loved your son. He was sweet and awesome and he loves me and I don't wanna. MIL says, welp, think about it and hey, have you hung out with your bff's brother? He's in town and he likes you?

Maude says, dude, he's boring as fuck. I don't want to. But he comes around, takes her for a ride in his buggy and then, because life is generally shitty for women, she ends up having to marry him because she was out for two whole hours unchaperoned. Apparently Missouri or wherever the fuck they were was as assbackwards as the Regency Era in the 1920s. 

So she ups and moves within days all the way to Tennessee, which gross. New dude, George has a mean ass mama who lives there and hates her face. Loves Lulu but seriously hates Maude's face. George has a job, yes, as the sheriff in some shit kicking town where  nothing fucking happens. George basically spends his day sleeping, avoiding any kind of chores around the house, and letting his mama be an epic heifer to poor Maude. That bitch even shoved Maude down the damned stairs once Maude weaned her first child with George and George didn't do shit. Because George doesn't do shit, not even help clean up his wife after she pops his kid and crazy ass MIL lets her just lie there and nearly bleed out.

Fast forward and Maude pops out five kids total, including Lulu from her first marriage. George continues to be incredibly useless, giving zero fucks about anything but his stupid ass horse. Maude doesn't get hugs, no kisses, no foreplay, nada. She's kind of a neat freak and frugal and shit so she works her ass off while George keeps sleeping his day away outside of a rarely occupied jail cell.

The Spanish flu comes around and takes out both batshitcrazy MIL and poor Lulu.

The Depression comes around and the town deputy gets fired. When George's useless ass runs for reelection, he gets opposition for the first time ever and the deputy wins the sheriff position. George then sits around doing nothing until the money runs out. Meanwhile the older two boys get jobs off somewhere else, Bud in the Army and Gene in some FDR program I can't remember but isn't listed in an Alabama song. 

So they move to Detroit because George's sister lives out there. But when I say move, I mean they actually hoof it all the way to goddamned Detroit, on foot because the transmission literally fell out of the bottom of the car somewhere around Toledo and stealing an apple here, a bit of corn there. Paul, the youngest son is just whiny as fuck, lazy like his father, and simple as hell and so he's got to whine the whole goddamned way to Detroit. Betty Sue mercifully keeps her mouth shut for most of the way.

They get to Detroit and Gene is still lazy as fuck. But I guess his sister Bettie is a mean ass heifer and makes him go to goddamned work. Because his thought I guess was that they'd just hang out or something? I have no idea. Nothing this fuck face does surprises me really because all he's doing at this point, or any point is breathing.

Gene, the oldest kid has to leave whatever the program he was in because he fell on some roof shingles and fucked up his kidneys. He tries to join the navy after pearl harbor but denied. Instead, he brings home some heifer he was drooling over for years because she's knocked up and the dude responsible abandoned her. She's a petulant child and despite being married and having a baby, just let's Maude do everything. But is she grateful? Nah, she's just a fucking hosebeast. She rags on Gene for giving his mama money, you know the woman who actually feeds her lazy face and cares for her damned child, a little girl named Donna. Eventually she gets Gene to let them get their own place.

Meanwhile, Bud is perpetually drunk as shit. He doesn't come home for leave ever because he gets busted for being drunk. He does manage to come home for leave just before he's due to ship out for the war. Then he goes back and falls off the back of a convoy truck and dies, likely because of that whole perpetually drunk as shit thing I mentioned. I'd guess at least hung over but whatever.

Paul, the sulky one probably has a learning disability of some sort but George is all LEAVE MY (grown ass) BOY ALONE!! He doesn't have to work iffen he doesn't want to and how dare you suggest sending him to a school that might help?

Betty Sue married some dude name Ellis mostly because he's the only one who has ever asked her and she's 28 by now so, you know, that's what you did in the 40s I guess. You also apparently had a million miscarriages and doctors just told you, pfft, how about you not have a job then? Because that's what caused miscarriages in the 40's, gainful employment. She pops out four kids or so.

Gene isn't married to the hosebeast anymore. She's kind of on her third or fourth husband at this point. She didn't take her kid with her so Donna is living with either set of grandparents off and on while Gene is still living with his mama, thinking any day that hosebeast will wake up and want him back. (Clearly Gene is delusional)

Ellis and Paul are drinking buddies at this point. Betty Sue always ends up running around town trying to track their drunk asses down. If this were an Erykah Badu song, Paul would be Tyrone, except you know, it's his daddy's car. Old George has gotten even lazier by now. He's retired, mostly because he decided he'd take the pension at half his pay instead of doing his damned job. Maude is taking in boarders because she can't live on that fucker's pension. She does the laundry for the boarders, cooks all their meals, while George continues to do nothing.

Then she spies that lazy fucker sucking face with the old skank who lives in the house behind him. So Maude says, you know what, FUCK THIS SHIT! She is like 60 plus and serves his ass with divorce papers. She is good and damned tired of being treated some kind of way by this shitbag and of course, he has the nerve to be all shocked, talking 'bout how she should have told him if she wanted some affection, or just to have him pull SOME weight.

AS IF, FUCKFACE!

A couple more years pass and George falls on his head down some damned stairs. They put his ass in the hospital because he ain't making it. Of course Ellis and Paul are out sucking down hops and shit even though Paul hasn't had a job since D-Day. And of course Betty Sue can't find their asses. So she and Maude go out to look. While they're out scouring shitty bars, Betty Sue gets hit by a car in some freak hit and run that actually makes the papers detailing the oddities of the case. George dies the next morning.

Gene's shitty ass exwife sues him for back child support even though Donna has never lived with this 97 times married skank ass. And because Gene doesn't have the receipts, he's ordered to pay up. Only then does he realize that hosebeast is hosebeast and moves on . . . to some woman who is also a hosebeast. Gene kicks the bucket too and hosebeast number 2 raids his bank account and apartment before poor Maude can even bury his ass and skips down. Gene left his mama 10k in life insurance and the funeral cost 5k.

Donna by this time has married some army dude and lives in Kansas. So after burying Gene, Maude gets to go home to her house where Paul is sitting in the fucking window STILL FUCKING JOBLESS! She finally gets the life insurance check, deposits it in the bank, and when she gets home that day, this lazy ass fucking fool is gonna ask her for some damned cigarette money. Then he jacks her purse from her.

Now I'm sure you can see all the parts that made me cry and pissed me off but that last one was the fucking worst. All these people in her life and who the hell does Maude have left? THE WORST CHILD FUCKING EVER, YOU SHITBAG LITTLE ASSHOLE!

The book implies that she dies that fucking night. Donna comes back to Detroit to get her mama's stuff and the heifer Ellis' trifling ass married five minutes after Betty Sue dies has taken every thing from Maude's house that isn't nailed down.

Every.damned.thing.

Her bible which belonged to her parents. The nightgown she sewed herself and only wore one time, ONE TIME- her wedding night to her first husband. AND her savings.

I really have no idea why I sat her and typed all this up. I'm just that pissed off at everything and everyone. Poor Maude.

See, this is why I read smut, people. I can't be getting pissed off like this.

Fucking George. 

UGH!

[elleblue]

That sounds awful. Poor Maude.

[Vespasia]

That was an amazing recap. I hope you posted it on good reads or something.

Poor Maude.

[secretlyevil]

Poor Maude. I'm not reading that book. I'd throw it through a window.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I want you to cliffs notes more books, HBC.

[bimbi284]

HBC needs to summarize all the books.

[Deleted]

I kind of want to read this even though I know the end because of your recap

[Deleted]

That's pretty horrible. Though a very amusing summary.

[gottadobe]

Dec 19, 2014 7:59:02 GMT -5 bimbi284 said:

HBC needs to summarize all the books.

Yes!

Please tell me you wrote book reports like that in high school, @helenbonhamcarter.

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2014 9:01:18 GMT -5 @smorriso said:

Damn. That is a depressing story line. You just want to keep reading because you hope people will get better. Nope.

Add me to the list of admirers of your recap capabilities.

Right? I kept hoping she'd get to be happy. Instead, that shitbag kid stole her money after she lost everything else.

[lovesherheels]

Welp, this is added to the list of books I won't be reading. Jesus, how depressing. I hate that she never got to be happy. Ugh.

Also, +1 on wanting you to recap all of the books. Please and thank you.

[meshaliuknits]

That was the best summary I've ever read.

Maude had the worst children ever.

[Wrath0fKuus]

This reminds me of the story of Iris in those Belva Plain Werner family books, or of every Danielle Steel "heroine" ever. Why do women write books like this?!

[pixy0stix]

I need a xanax now.

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2014 10:59:22 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

This reminds me of the story of Iris in those Belva Plain Werner family books, or of every Danielle Steel "heroine" ever. Why do women write books like this?!

Maude was the writer's grandma. The back of the book has pictures and a copy of the article where Betty Sue died. By some weird turn of events, Betty Sue's body ended up in the backseat of the car that hit her and the dude driving thought she was alive just chilling out back there. Only once he realize she was dead did he drive back to the accident scene.

[meshaliuknits]

Dec 19, 2014 11:17:55 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Dec 19, 2014 10:59:22 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

This reminds me of the story of Iris in those Belva Plain Werner family books, or of every Danielle Steel "heroine" ever. Why do women write books like this?!

Maude was the writer's grandma. The back of the book has pictures and a copy of the article where Betty Sue died. By some weird turn of events, Betty Sue's body ended up in the backseat of the car that hit her and the dude driving thought she was alive just chilling out back there. Only once he realize she was dead did he drive back to the accident scene.

Tha fuck?

I need a diagram.

[Daria Morgandorffer]

What a shitbag of a story though.

[Jenniatonu]

I'm laughing at all of the people on goodreads who say this was an 'enjoyable story.' The fuck? Do they not have a heart?

www.goodreads.com/book/show/23481669-maude?ac=1

[Vespasia]

Dec 19, 2014 11:17:55 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Dec 19, 2014 10:59:22 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

This reminds me of the story of Iris in those Belva Plain Werner family books, or of every Danielle Steel "heroine" ever. Why do women write books like this?!

Maude was the writer's grandma. The back of the book has pictures and a copy of the article where Betty Sue died. By some weird turn of events, Betty Sue's body ended up in the backseat of the car that hit her and the dude driving thought she was alive just chilling out back there. Only once he realize she was dead did he drive back to the accident scene.

Which of the shitpig children produced the author? 

ETA: Never mind, I see it now

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2014 11:42:21 GMT -5 Jenniatonu said:

I'm laughing at all of the people on goodreads who say this was an 'enjoyable story.' The fuck? Do they not have a heart?

www.goodreads.com/book/show/23481669-maude?ac=1

Right?? This book was depressing as fuck. I cried like 4 times at LEAST! I was sobbing like a moron when Lulu died. At that point, she'd realized her husband wasn't shit. Her mother in law had already tried to kill her and said flat.out. she wanted Maude dead. She had a second kid she didn't even like and now the one thing she had left of her first husband, the guy who was actually nice to her was gone.

I saw one review that used the words 'heart warming'. Clearly the person who wrote that grew up in Nazi Germany or something.

[meshaliuknits]

Dec 19, 2014 11:56:28 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Dec 19, 2014 11:42:21 GMT -5 Jenniatonu said:

I'm laughing at all of the people on goodreads who say this was an 'enjoyable story.' The fuck? Do they not have a heart?

www.goodreads.com/book/show/23481669-maude?ac=1

Right?? This book was depressing as fuck. I cried like 4 times at LEAST! I was sobbing like a moron when Lulu died. At that point, she'd realized her husband wasn't shit. Her mother in law had already tried to kill her and said flat.out. she wanted Maude dead. She had a second kid she didn't even like and now the one thing she had left of her first husband, the guy who was actually nice to her was gone.

I saw one review that used the words 'heart warming'. Clearly the person who wrote that grew up in Nazi Germany or something.

Dude, I just read your recap and I got all misty at this part.

[So_Fetch]

Poor Maude. I love your cliffnotes version though.

[Deleted]

Poor Maude.

Remember when Kindle had a million books for $1? I read about a dozen terrible books like this.

And wow that a funeral cost $5k in the 1940S!

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2014 13:44:02 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Poor Maude.

Remember when Kindle had a million books for $1? I read about a dozen terrible books like this.

And wow that a funeral cost $5k in the 1940S!

I think it was the 60s when Gene croaked.