I noticed that I'm probably ovulating today/ this weekend, and it made me sad that were not TTC. There goes the September 2015 baby I'd planned on.
Which is is totally nuts, since I've agreed to delay TTC for work/ travel reasons. So why am I kind of sad?
I'm in the same boat. We've put off TTC until April for work and travel reasons, but it's still hard. It doesn't help that quite a few people IRL around me are having babies within the first part of 2015.
I don't hate being tagged, but I will admit disappointment when I get multiple notifications only to find out it's, like, someone liked my post, quoted me, and tagged me in the response.
@tokenhoser
I still mostly live in fear of the notifications. I make the mistake of replying to a post first, and then get 27 likes when I'm at lunch, and my first thought is still "what did I say wrong?"
I don't hate being tagged, but I will admit disappointment when I get multiple notifications only to find out it's, like, someone liked my post, quoted me, and tagged me in the response.
@tokenhoser
I still mostly live in fear of the notifications. I make the mistake of replying to a post first, and then get 27 likes when I'm at lunch, and my first thought is still "what did I say wrong?"
Oh yeah, I can see how stressful it would be to be so popular
I still mostly live in fear of the notifications. I make the mistake of replying to a post first, and then get 27 likes when I'm at lunch, and my first thought is still "what did I say wrong?"
Oh yeah, I can see how stressful it would be to be so popular
@vicmo I agree we need a strategy. We'll likely talk it out in a few days once we've both cooled off. I've tried the email route before during fights, it doesn't go well. I'm too wordy over email, he zones out and doesn't actually READ IT.
But what strategy do I propose? "You should sleep on the couch without being angry" is not going to fly. If I propose to sleep on the couch, he goes all martyr and says "you're pregnant, you can't sleep on the couch." THEN WHAT DH?!?
Honestly, I'd keep putting it back on him. What would you do, H? No, you can't just sleep in the bed. No, the strips aren't enough. What would YOU want ME to say to you if I am lying awake at 2 in the morning. I think that if you (SG) keep suggesting things, he's not taking ownership and he's not really agreeing that it's a problem.
Post by leonard131 on Dec 19, 2014 14:52:48 GMT -5
@supergreen I know you have gotten a lot of advice but I am also going to add my two cents.
You H repeatedly has shown that he can not be an adult (yes, yes, yes this is my favorite phrase) but the love of g-d he needs to grow up and take responsibility. He needs to stop pouting like a 2 year old, take ownership for losing his own freaking weight and realize that sleeping on the futon is not the end of the world. His behavior over the snoring thing is just like his behavior about having to actually be a partner in raising your children. Stop justifying and "venting" and do something about it. Stand up and seek some marriage counseling. It is only going to keep getting worse. No one deserves to be treated like that.
@mrsbecky H is also an attorney so whenever we bicker I always have to tell him to stop "lawyering up" on me. We will bicker for 5 -10 minutes and move on. I can't stand the whole grudge thing.
I don't hate being tagged, but I will admit disappointment when I get multiple notifications only to find out it's, like, someone liked my post, quoted me, and tagged me in the response.
Thank you Ashley&Scott. He is moody and overreactive because he's stressed beyond his reasonable limits. He has too much on his plate and can't handle it all. As you know, we just moved his grandmother from NY to a nursing home here. He just got promoted to department manager. We just bought a house which needs some work. He is completely overwhelmed and there's no one else to do it.
Every day, literally, there's some fire he has to put out. Someone at the nursing home stole her money, something blew up at work, I'm having contractions and can't cook/clean/whatever, grandmothers cell phone needs more minutes, her car transport isn't finalized yet, there's a family member up in arms about her care. Every day, his world is on fire and it never seems to end.
Ashley&Scott I have recorded his snoring. He says I've either got the volume turned up on the recording device to a louder level than his actual snoring, or "you have earplugs!", or "it doesn't sound like that all night." Excuses excuses excuses.
Also, @supergreen, has he done a sleep study or gone to a doctor to discuss possible apnea? Snoring and...grumpiness...are definitely apnea side effects.
No and no. He adamantly refuses to do either. He hates doctors. I have suggested it many, many times. He says "I do NOT have sleep apnea, there's nothing wrong with me." He will not go.
Thank you Ashley&Scott. He is moody and overreactive because he's stressed beyond his reasonable limits. He has too much on his plate and can't handle it all. As you know, we just moved his grandmother from NY to a nursing home here. He just got promoted to department manager. We just bought a house which needs some work. He is completely overwhelmed and there's no one else to do it.
Every day, literally, there's some fire he has to put out. Someone at the nursing home stole her money, something blew up at work, I'm having contractions and can't cook/clean/whatever, grandmothers cell phone needs more minutes, her car transport isn't finalized yet, there's a family member up in arms about her care. Every day, his world is on fire and it never seems to end.
You know I love you @supergreen, and while I certainly empathize, stress is part of the human condition, kwim. If nothing else, he needs to learn how to cope with what's on his plate better because what he's doing now, it's not working. Even if you think you'll just take it all now, long term, not going to work, you will not be able to manage this without consequence long term. And there will ALWAYS be something. The difference between those that are relaxed and those that aren't isn't the amount of stressors.
May I suggest some franklin covey? A little, circle of influence, control the thing you can, stop worrying about those you can't refresher would be a nice way to move in 2015 for the entire supergreen household.
That really sucks for MrSG, but that doesn't mean he gets to take it out on you.
You've gotten a lot of advice to seek marital counseling and I hope you take it - it's something that can really help a couple communicate and work through stress points, but it is not something that will miraculously save a marriage at the 11th hour. Most people tend to treat it as the latter and are surprised and disheartened when it doesn't work. Early intervention is key to successful counseling.
Also, @supergreen, has he done a sleep study or gone to a doctor to discuss possible apnea? Snoring and...grumpiness...are definitely apnea side effects.
No and no. He adamantly refuses to do either. He hates doctors. I have suggested it many, many times. He says "I do NOT have sleep apnea, there's nothing wrong with me." He will not go.
It sounds like he is having several drinks every night, and so much of this (grumpiness, irritability, blaming others, poor sleep, refusal to get medical help) is behavior that is frequently exhibited by alcoholics. I know you said that you poured alcohol out. Has he acknowledged that his drinking is a problem? Is he seeking help for that?
Thank you Ashley&Scott. He is moody and overreactive because he's stressed beyond his reasonable limits. He has too much on his plate and can't handle it all. As you know, we just moved his grandmother from NY to a nursing home here. He just got promoted to department manager. We just bought a house which needs some work. He is completely overwhelmed and there's no one else to do it.
Every day, literally, there's some fire he has to put out. Someone at the nursing home stole her money, something blew up at work, I'm having contractions and can't cook/clean/whatever, grandmothers cell phone needs more minutes, her car transport isn't finalized yet, there's a family member up in arms about her care. Every day, his world is on fire and it never seems to end.
I really do like you and wish you the best but I'm going to say this one more time as clear as I can.
This is not your fault. You don't have to make excuses for him.
He needs help. You need help.
3/4s of the adult world is stressed out 99% of the time. It's life. It sucks and it ebbs and flows but there are ways to handle it that don't involve taking it out on you. We've all taken things out on our spouses as a stress reaction right or wrong. However, we're worried because he never seems to move and YOU seem to be his one and only stress reliever on the regular. I wish you could see that's not okay.
This is a question, but it's random so hopefully thread-appropriate: what is the difference in "lego" vs. "lego friends"? My nieces want lego friends; I don't even know what this means.
No and no. He adamantly refuses to do either. He hates doctors. I have suggested it many, many times. He says "I do NOT have sleep apnea, there's nothing wrong with me." He will not go.
It sounds like he is having several drinks every night, and so much of this (grumpiness, irritability, blaming others, poor sleep, refusal to get medical help) is behavior that is frequently exhibited by alcoholics. I know you said that you poured alcohol out. Has he acknowledged that his drinking is a problem? Is he seeking help for that?
I agree this behavior is concerning. I reluctant to label him an alcoholic based on yesterday. He took the day off to take power of attorney for his grandmother, very stressful. He dealt with theft at the new nursing home. He dealt with a family member undermining his authority about her care. An EXTREMELY stressful day for anybody, to be sure. I will certainly keep my eye on his drinking.
Ashley&Scott I have recorded his snoring. He says I've either got the volume turned up on the recording device to a louder level than his actual snoring, or "you have earplugs!", or "it doesn't sound like that all night." Excuses excuses excuses.
Wow, that's ridiculous, he's really in denial. If you want to prove beyond any doubt how loud he is, you can always get a sound meter (we happen to have one, DH has tried to reduce background noise in our house, I think DD when she was little was around 90 decibels when mad). Most earplugs only reduce by 30-32 decibels, and I suspect from your description that his snoring has got to be around 80 decibels or more. So that's still 50 decibels, which is not quiet by any means.
This is a question, but it's random so hopefully thread-appropriate: what is the difference in "lego" vs. "lego friends"? My nieces want lego friends; I don't even know what this means.
@supergreen, we spent a couple years sleeping apart. Eventually, he admitted that snoring IS a problem and got a mouthguard from his dentist that minimized it. Then he lost a bunch of weight last year, and now needs nothing to not snore.
He never acted like a douche about it. He was sad to not sleep together, but I would kill him if I had to listen to that all night, every night. I need sleep.
I'm sure his weight is a big contributing factor. He needs to lose at least 50lbs. But I'm not dieting while PG or nursing, so I admit to being a huge bitch and not taking the initiative on helping him lose weight. He has no interest in losing weight.
He complains that he "already uses those terribly breathe right strips and saline spray. We bought a new mattress. I am DOING A LOT." Gee thanks.
He will not go to the dentist or do a sleep study. Will not. He is very angry to be sleeping apart. He said he wants his own bed. He's also very angry that apparently HE heard ME snoring last night. He says he laid there on the couch "seething with rage." I said "well now you know how I feel every night."
This is crazy. Over you asking him to move on the couch bc you couldn't sleep through his snoring. Oh my. Hugs lady! He's being a jerk, and hopefully he realizes it before he really does ruin the whole weekend.
I really appreciate all your advice. And thank you for not flaming me, I don't think I could take that right now.
I'm going to wait a day or two for us both to cool down, so we can have a rational discussion. But I will tell him that the snoring and his follow-up behavior is damaging our marriage. That he cannot drink wine, snore, and then be mad at ME when I have no choice but to wake him. That it is emotionally manipulative for him to make ME feel guilty for needing sleep, especially while 6 months PG. He has to do something about his snoring, create some kind of plan that is amiable to BOTH of us. And if we can't have a rational discussion to make that plan, right here, right now, then we need marriage counseling because I won't take this anymore.
It sounds like he is having several drinks every night, and so much of this (grumpiness, irritability, blaming others, poor sleep, refusal to get medical help) is behavior that is frequently exhibited by alcoholics. I know you said that you poured alcohol out. Has he acknowledged that his drinking is a problem? Is he seeking help for that?
I agree this behavior is concerning. I reluctant to label him an alcoholic based on yesterday. He took the day off to take power of attorney for his grandmother, very stressful. He dealt with theft at the new nursing home. He dealt with a family member undermining his authority about her care. An EXTREMELY stressful day for anybody, to be sure.
That day sounds awful, I get that & I sympathize. I've been there, it totally sucks.
But this is not the first time you've mentioned him having multiple drinks on a random weeknight. Or him throwing a fit because you asked him not to drink or not to drink as much. From what you've posted it does sound like he relies too heavily on drinking as a stress reliever. He needs to find a healthier way to relieve stress - walking, running, playing a game, reading a book, taking a shower, etc.
It also sounds like you both need a break. Hire a sitter or ask your parents to watch DS so you can get some time to decompress - both as a couple & alone.
The backhoe is back tonfill around the foundation for thre house next door. Dd is going to FREAK with excitement when she wakes up! I also figured out who dropped off the toy tractor for DD a few weeks ago. The foreman for the house next door (who also built our house 5 years ago) dropped it off. So sweet. In going to bake him cookies :-)
It sounds like he is having several drinks every night, and so much of this (grumpiness, irritability, blaming others, poor sleep, refusal to get medical help) is behavior that is frequently exhibited by alcoholics. I know you said that you poured alcohol out. Has he acknowledged that his drinking is a problem? Is he seeking help for that?
I agree this behavior is concerning. I reluctant to label him an alcoholic based on yesterday. He took the day off to take power of attorney for his grandmother, very stressful. He dealt with theft at the new nursing home. He dealt with a family member undermining his authority about her care. An EXTREMELY stressful day for anybody, to be sure. I will certainly keep my eye on his drinking.
I get that. I really didn't mean to label him unfairly. I am just a stranger on the internet; clearly I have no idea how big of a problem your H's drinking is or isn't.
I am admittedly projecting in part because your posts remind me so much of what went on in my family when I was a child. My own childhood was characterized by a father who always had 4-5 drinks a night and was always irritable, and we excused it because there was always some very good reason he was stressed (stillborn baby, kid dying of cancer, very high stress job, best friend's suicide, two divorces, death of parents, etc.). In retrospect, the fact that his drinking was perhaps understandable given the circumstances didn't change the fact that it was out of control and a crutch for dealing with the stress of daily life. I am certain huge chunks of my childhood, my relationship with my dad, and the fate of my parents' marriage would have been different had my dad gotten sober at 35 instead of 65.
FIL has the flu, and believe it or not, my MIL is being completely reasonable and there is a very good chance the normal Christmas Eve get together will be scheduled for a later date. I am almost giddy at the thought of not having to travel next Tuesday. Giddy.
H is being an ass again. And once again, it's about how he phrases things. It is infuriating that he says something, I respond with how it made me feel, and he comes back that I am "twisting things to make him look like the bad guy".
No, asshole. I am taking things exactly how you say them. What I take away from them is not a unique viewpoint. If what I am getting out of what you're saying isn't right, figure out how to say it better. Or at the very least if you see that I am upset about something you said, rephrase to explain yourself. Fuck.
This is a question, but it's random so hopefully thread-appropriate: what is the difference in "lego" vs. "lego friends"? My nieces want lego friends; I don't even know what this means.
It's girly lego.
Thanks for the reply. I googled it and had seen only the purple sets, so that makes sense. I'm going to try to score the Frozen set that people are talking about over on ML. (I actually tried to get it earlier and couldn't, then was all "wait -- they want lego FRIENDS, not lego. WTH?" So, thanks.