Post by onedayatatime on Dec 19, 2014 9:49:58 GMT -5
Sorry this is long and rambles...
Late October, after he started his new MBA earned job, XH contacted me with some questions about the mortgage, which I am still trying to remove him from. Then he asked if we could have a conversation about some of he stuff left at the house --"I don't feel that we ever had a real discussion about all the things you wanted to keep, all the things I wanted to keep, and then come to a conclusion. I would like to have this talk." In the same email he also admitted that he hadn't gone through the boxes I had packed up for him with stuff. In the 6 months of separation/divorce proceedings he refused to go through anything or talk about what he wanted, so I finally just packed stuff and gave it to him. His attitude was very much that he wanted to leave everything in the house and of our life behind - erase it all.
I assumed he mostly wanted to talk about his job -- because I was always his sounding board for this big monumental events. I also had a gut feeling that he wanted the espresso machine. I didn't engage in the job talk, I said something along the lines of I am sure you are happy to be starting. Then I said that without him going through the boxes of stuff I gave him we can't have a conversation about any of the other things.
Then he replied with this... "I guess what I'm talking about, as far as things still left, would be any of the artwork that my mom would have given us. I would also like the elephant painting we got as a wedding gift. As far as knick knacks that she gave us, I would like those as well. Then, in terms of other things at the house, we hadn't specifically talked about the small appliances, like the toaster, k-cup machine, espresso machine, or the like. Additionally, I am not sure if you are planning on purchasing any new flatware, dinnerware, wine glasses, barware, cutlery, or the like. If so, I would hope I can have the option to keep the old stuff. I know that based on the final decree we agreed to how things were split, and as part of that you are maintaining ownership of the house and all the items that I didn't assume ownership of. I'm not trying to make things difficult, but honestly now that the dust has settled, perhaps I feel it is worth having a second conversation."
I originally gave him all the cookware, silverware, all of the barware from winery/distillery trips plus our first set of dishes. I can't believe he wants every art item his mom gave us -- (Christmas ornaments, small wooden sculptures, etc.) I gave him already the stuff given to him but kept some of the stuff given to us as a couple and everything given to me exclusively.
I didn't reply to his email, initially because I wasn't sure what to say and then because I forgot. Now he replied again "I didn't see a response yet to my last email to you. Just seeing if you got it".
Part of me thinks I should just give him what he wants so he leaves me alone, but then another part of me thinks this is a way to talk to me again and have contact so any level of engagement is giving him what he wants. What does he really care about the knick knack items? I have gotten advice from my friends for all actions -- ignore him, tell him no, or just give him what he wants. Have any of you been in this situation?
Summary: XH is contacting me asking for additional things from the house but I am not sure if it is really about the things or just a way to get some control/contact in my life. Do I give him the stuff, tell him no or ignore?
Technically, he should have asked for the things he wanted before your divorce was final. You really don't owe him anything since your decree says that stuff is yours. If you are feeling generous, you can give him what he is asking for or at least some of it. If not, don't feel bad because he had his chance and didn't take it.
Tell him no. The property is divided as you originally agreed. You aren't renegotiating now and in 5 years when you get new pans you won't call and ask him if he wants the old pans.
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Dec 19, 2014 10:04:21 GMT -5
I would take a quick tour around the house and put anything that you are willing to part with in a box. Then leave the box on the front porch and say that everything you are willing to part with is on the porch and he is free to pick it up. There is no need for a discussion or to barter.
My EXH did something similar. He'd been gone for over 2 years and then asked for any Christmas items his mom had given us. I wasn't too terribly attached to them and didn't use them on a regular basis so I was fine giving them to him.
Now, if he had asked for the really nice knife set she had given us one year for Christmas, I would have said HELL NO!
If it were me, I would give him the stuff he asked for that his mom gave you unless there is a major reason that you don't want to. I'd need to know more about the elephant painting... who gave it to you? The other stuff I'd say no way.
Nope. Your divorce is final yes? I would reply once and say "I have abided by the terms set forth in the decree. If you and your lawyer feel this isn't the case please contact my lawyer."
Post by callunafirefly on Dec 19, 2014 10:09:55 GMT -5
I agree...if there was something he wanted so badly he should have a.Taken it when he left, b.Asked for it after he left, c.listed it in the final decree. In my experience, giving one thing leads to asking for something else. There is a chance that he really does feel some attachment to a couple particular items, and you would know what those were; if these aren't items you care about throw him a bone and give him one or two. I would not sit down and have a whole other conversation about it, you don't owe him a conversation at this point to divide property. That will only lead to more conversations and more anxiety to a topic that has already been signed off on. If you are feeling generous, I would reply. "I saw your email, I didn't know you had any interest in xyz items and I would be willing to give those to you, however I do not feel a conversation to divide the other property mentioned is relevant any longer" ...or something along those line.
I don't know the history, so just based on your post, I'd give him the stuff from his mother. Seems fair to me. I can see just trying to get through the divorce without really thinking about the STUFF and then when things settle down realizing you'd really like SOME things from your past life, and things his mother gifted is a good place to start. Of course, as somebody else pointed out, legally all these things are yours now so I guess it's all dependent on your generosity.
Oh also IF you give him anythjng get that in writing and something that he signs that says all property he has requested (and list it out) has been returned to him. Of course you are well within your rights to block and ignore him as well
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Dec 19, 2014 10:12:03 GMT -5
I want to also say that I DO NOT think you should have a conversation about this with him. This is not the time for a discussion. You are well within your rights to keep it all.
Fuck him...let him buy his own fucking toaster. If his mom actually painted the artwork, I'd give it to him...if not then NO. property was divided and the divorce is final. He has no access to your home, correct? Fuck him.
Post by jojoandleo on Dec 19, 2014 10:30:41 GMT -5
This is a slippery slope. I want to say "just give it to him if you don't want it" because it seems nice, BUT, this is like if you give a mouse a cookie. If you give a douchebag what he wants, he is going to ask for more. This will NOT be the last request. I think I would give a brief response like PP suggested about you are following the decree, everything is final. Then block and ignore.
If it were me, I would give him the stuff he asked for that his mom gave you unless there is a major reason that you don't want to. I'd need to know more about the elephant painting... who gave it to you? The other stuff I'd say no way.
I'm here too. Maybe I'm coming from a place of cherishing everything my grandma gave me but unless you feel really attached to those things, I would give them to him. I would pack it up and have him pick it up outside or ask him to set up a FedEx account and you can ship it on his dime.
As for the household items, keep those. A simple, "As outlined in our divorce agreement, the contents of the house belong to me, however in a measure of good faith, I will pack up xyz to be picked up or shipped to you at your expense. I'm happy to tie up these loose ends so that we can both move forward separately with our lives. Best of luck"
Post by starburst604 on Dec 19, 2014 10:45:12 GMT -5
"Sorry, I've already donated anything I don't intend to use." And if his mother actually created the artwork I would ship it to him. Then don't respond to another damn thing. He had his chance to ask for what he wanted.
Here's the thing if he asked for one or two sentimental things then I would be much more inclined to get them his way. But good lord he has a laundry list of stuff. Me thinks he's using the sentimental angle as a way for him not to have to purchase household stuff. Also if something means that much to you then you don't think about it months later. And it's not like he didn't have the chance to ask for this stuff. You knowing during the entire divorce process. It didn't just dawn on him. He's being manipulative and that's why I say don't give him an inch
The stuff from his mother, I'd probably let him have (unless you have a good reason to keep it) because I would want things my mother had given me. The appliances and flatware? NOPE.
Fuck him...let him buy his own fucking toaster. If his mom actually painted the artwork, I'd give it to him...if not then NO. property was divided and the divorce is final. He has no access to your home, correct? Fuck him.
This is everything I wanted to say, perfectly.
Anything you owed him, you gave him. He had plenty of time to "discuss" as an adult prior to the divorce finalizing. Sorry dude, go through the boxes and be happy with what you got.
The stuff from his mother, I'd probably let him have (unless you have a good reason to keep it) because I would want things my mother had given me. The appliances and flatware? NOPE.
This isn't stuff she gave HIM, it's stuff she gave THEM. OP said she gave him everything his mom gave to just him and some split of the stuff she gave them as a couple. I just find it hard to believe this late in the game he is suddenly sentimental about KNICK KNACKS. He is being petty. You sort this shit out during divorce for a REASON. He got what he got, he can't come back all "Please sir, I want some more."
Maybe I am a bitch, or maybe I have just seen too many douchefucks all "My mommy gave it to me, oh, and I want $3,000 for XYZ" He doesn't give a fuck what his mom gave them. I doubt he even KNOWS what she gave them. And three months later, this fucker is going to come back with his hand outstretched because it worked the first time. Call me cynical, but he can go fuck himself.
The stuff from his mother, I'd probably let him have (unless you have a good reason to keep it) because I would want things my mother had given me. The appliances and flatware? NOPE.
This isn't stuff she gave HIM, it's stuff she gave THEM. OP said she gave him everything his mom gave to just him and some split of the stuff she gave them as a couple. I just find it hard to believe this late in the game he is suddenly sentimental about KNICK KNACKS. He is being petty. You sort this shit out during divorce for a REASON. He got what he got, he can't come back all "Please sir, I want some more."
Maybe I am a bitch, or maybe I have just seen too many douchefucks all "My mommy gave it to me, oh, and I want $3,000 for XYZ" He doesn't give a fuck what his mom gave them. I doubt he even KNOWS what she gave them. And three months later, this fucker is going to come back with his hand outstretched because it worked the first time. Call me cynical, but he can go fuck himself.
I don't know... I guess it depends on what the stuff is and if he has any sentimental attachment to it. Like, were these knick knacks handed down from the family, store bought? I guess that would change my answer a bit.
I would put a stop to it. I had no attachment to anything, but XH said he didn't want any of it, so I took most of the furniture, the TV, dishes. Several months later he asked if he could have the bed because it was "a gift from his parents" and the TV because he didn't have one. Too bad so sad, bro. When you said you didn't want those things, they became my things. Unless you want to maintain some sort of communication with your XH, I'd say ignore his emails.
It sounds like you had a contentious divorce, and I don't know how your ex is, so feel free to ignore me.
But when XH and I first split, I was just done, I wanted to leave, I left a lot of shit because I am stubborn and I didn't want anything to remind me of a time that I was part of an us. As time has passed and I moved on, I realize that I was being stupid, and I am glad that my ex hasn't held that against me. There are things that I didn't think I would miss, but after sometime, I have thought, "Man, I wish I had XYZ". So for stuff like the paintings, I would maybe think about it, the appliances and such, well, I wouldn't worry as much about because that seems less of an emotional thing, more of a practical one.
This isn't stuff she gave HIM, it's stuff she gave THEM. OP said she gave him everything his mom gave to just him and some split of the stuff she gave them as a couple. I just find it hard to believe this late in the game he is suddenly sentimental about KNICK KNACKS. He is being petty. You sort this shit out during divorce for a REASON. He got what he got, he can't come back all "Please sir, I want some more."
Maybe I am a bitch, or maybe I have just seen too many douchefucks all "My mommy gave it to me, oh, and I want $3,000 for XYZ" He doesn't give a fuck what his mom gave them. I doubt he even KNOWS what she gave them. And three months later, this fucker is going to come back with his hand outstretched because it worked the first time. Call me cynical, but he can go fuck himself.
I don't know... I guess it depends on what the stuff is and if he has any sentimental attachment to it. Like, were these knick knacks handed down from the family, store bought? I guess that would change my answer a bit.
But they are so sentimental he totally forgot about all of this stuff during the part of the divorce where you write out what you want back and negotiate over it? He didn't think to ask to take them with him when he moved out prior to the divorce? He refuses to go through anything in six months? Also I find it's interesting that he's able to list out all of the stuff he wants such as a goddamn toaster, but can't seem to recall the specifics of these "knick knacks" that are so important? I'm a reasonable person but the nerve of this guy just has me all up in arms today.
I don't know... I guess it depends on what the stuff is and if he has any sentimental attachment to it. Like, were these knick knacks handed down from the family, store bought? I guess that would change my answer a bit.
But they are so sentimental he totally forgot about all of this stuff during the part of the divorce where you write out what you want back and negotiate over it? He didn't think to ask to take them with him when he moved out prior to the divorce? He refuses to go through anything in six months? Also I find it's interesting that he's able to list out all of the stuff he wants such as a goddamn toaster, but can't seem to recall the specifics of these "knick knacks" that are so important? I'm a reasonable person but the nerve of this guy just has me all up in arms today.
I guess I just see it like jigsy does. Maybe at the time he was just wanting it to be done and over with and didn't want to bicker about certain things. I don't know the OP's backstory and I don't know how the divorce went down. My divorce has been fucking hell, and we haven't even gotten to the part where we split things up, but there are probably a few things in the house that I would definitely give back even if he hadn't initially asked for them.
My XH was like this as well, and I couldn't wait until the final decree was done so I had something to go from. Even after that, he was hounding me for all of our crystal, and when I pointed out I was going by our agreement in the decree, he got pissed, but gave up.
I would probably tell him you're going with what y'all agreed to in your decree. I may, when it's convenient, start a box to throw shit in that you think means something to him, and give it to him later (if that's not a hassle to do).
I gave in some to XH with the crystal & gave him more than he was technically entitled to, and the fucker took it all to a thrift store to sell.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Dec 19, 2014 15:29:04 GMT -5
When XH and I split, we each kept items we were given for the wedding from our respective families and then split shit in the house afterward. Now that it's been 3 years, if one of us wants something the other got in the divorce, we pay for it. This is how I got $50 a few months ago for an old crappy wii.
Meaning, I'd tell him he can have his mom's artwork but anything else has monetary value and he can buy it from me or from Target - his choice.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by onedayatatime on Dec 19, 2014 20:37:11 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the replies -- I haven't had time to reply until now but you guys have been having the same conversation I have been having with myself. It has helped me to hear some of the opinions back and how you all handled it :
On one hand -- I don't want to be a bitch about the stuff from his mom - and I can give almost all of it back without missing it. I gave back all of the art she drew except one item she gave to me -- mostly because I thought she would be hurt if I didn't want to keep it. She has a great memory and will remember what she gave me, but I guess thats not my problem either.
BUT as @pdx1, jojoandleo and others expressed I am very afraid of "give a mouse a cookie" syndrome though and I don't want this to be a recurring pattern. I honestly don't think he gives a damn about the knick-knacks (all things his mom bought on her travels from street fairs -- they are nice things, but nothing of any memory/heritage to him). I really doubt he even remembers what most of them are, where they came from or anything about them.
I'm not going to give any of the of the household goods -- he has a job, and they aren't that valuable. It just feels like a douche move for him to even ask for those now.
I'll sleep on it another night or two -- I am leaving town anyways so I can't give anything to him now. Im either going to pick a few things and mail it to him or tell him no. Thanks for all the email suggestions of what to say in either way -- It is a big help. Definitely no conversation!
If it were me, I would give him the stuff he asked for that his mom gave you unless there is a major reason that you don't want to. I'd need to know more about the elephant painting... who gave it to you? The other stuff I'd say no way.
The painting was from his mom's friend, the elephant keeper at the zoo...she took us (together) to the zoo and let us watch as the elephant painted a picture for us. It was really cool - but I can give up the picture if it ends this.