Am I being a sh*tty friend?

[picksthemusic]

My BFF since I was 17, one of my BMs in my wedding, is over on this side of the country for a holiday visit with friends/family (she lives in Boston normally). I knew she was coming over, but she never called to make solid plans to come visit. I had to contact her about it and when I did, she had already made plans with other friends, and said, well, I'm free this day, are you? I wasn't. Now she's free tomorrow, but we had planned on staying home, baking cookies, and just having family time (something we really need in the crazy of the last two months). This is really common for her, last-minute planning and expecting me to drop everything and either be a ride to/from the airport (which I've done several times), a place to crash, a visit for fun, etc. But the last few years, I've always been the last to know, and the last person she thinks of to plan with. We usually call each other on our birthdays, she forgot this year (no biggie, but it's just more of the same). It really makes me sad, because I'd love to catch up and see her and meet her new baby, have her meet my new baby... but I kind of feel like if I let her come over, she'll just keep walking all over me. Does this make me a shitty friend? I can totally accommodate her (and her H and her LO) tomorrow, but I just don't want to reward that behavior, KWIM? As much as it kills me...

[MrsPotatohead]

man, I'd be tempted to say no. You *do* have plans and even if you didn't, sometimes during this time of year you need downtime so I don't really think you need to justify it. I mean, it really is up to you, but if you were really looking forward to what you have planned for tomorrow I think it's ok to not change everything to accommodate her. I'm sorry, I hate when people do that

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2014 18:18:15 GMT -5 MrsPotatohead said:

man, I'd be tempted to say no. You *do* have plans and even if you didn't, sometimes during this time of year you need downtime so I don't really think you need to justify it. I mean, it really is up to you, but if you were really looking forward to what you have planned for tomorrow I think it's ok to not change everything to accommodate her. I'm sorry, I hate when people do that

Agree. I don't think it makes you a bad person to say no, but I'm also a push over who would say yes.

[picksthemusic]

Dec 19, 2014 18:18:15 GMT -5 MrsPotatohead said:

man, I'd be tempted to say no. You *do* have plans and even if you didn't, sometimes during this time of year you need downtime so I don't really think you need to justify it. I mean, it really is up to you, but if you were really looking forward to what you have planned for tomorrow I think it's ok to not change everything to accommodate her. I'm sorry, I hate when people do that

Thanks, I needed to hear that. DH was telling me that he'd love to have her over - if she treated me like she wanted to be there instead of an afterthought.

So... yeah. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

[picksthemusic]

Dec 19, 2014 18:27:05 GMT -5 @uwhuskygirl said:

Dec 19, 2014 18:18:15 GMT -5 MrsPotatohead said:

man, I'd be tempted to say no. You *do* have plans and even if you didn't, sometimes during this time of year you need downtime so I don't really think you need to justify it. I mean, it really is up to you, but if you were really looking forward to what you have planned for tomorrow I think it's ok to not change everything to accommodate her. I'm sorry, I hate when people do that

Agree. I don't think it makes you a bad person to say no, but I'm also a push over who would say yes.

Thanks. Yeah, I want to be a pushover SO BAD. I love her, I do. I just... can't when I'm a last resort. I feel like Hermione when Ron asked her to the ball. "Hermione, you're a girl, we should go to the ball together."

[dana86]

I agree with the others and i'd probably also drop a line in there somewhere about next time her planning a little better so you guys can make real plans instead of last minute in passing plans.

[karebear219]

Oh gosh it's hard for me to pick. It really depends on how close I really felt to her. I would either tell her I already have plans (true) or that she could come over. I wouldn't cancel plans to go do something with her. I don't think you are being a crapy friends for telling her you already have plans.

[MrsPotatohead]

Dec 19, 2014 18:30:39 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

Dec 19, 2014 18:18:15 GMT -5 MrsPotatohead said:

man, I'd be tempted to say no. You *do* have plans and even if you didn't, sometimes during this time of year you need downtime so I don't really think you need to justify it. I mean, it really is up to you, but if you were really looking forward to what you have planned for tomorrow I think it's ok to not change everything to accommodate her. I'm sorry, I hate when people do that

Thanks, I needed to hear that. DH was telling me that he'd love to have her over - if she treated me like she wanted to be there instead of an afterthought.

So... yeah. It sucks. It really, really sucks.

I know, it's hard - you can always choose to accept that this is who she is and not be offended by it, but that's not really easy to do.  Like pp said, I'd probably throw in a "hey let me know next time you are planning on coming in to town so we can hang out!"

[Deleted]

Honestly, I need more down time at this time of year than any other as the cold and dark brings out the introvert side of me where I need me time. Ditto DrMrsP, you *DO* have plans, even if they are at your own house with your immediate family, they still constitute plans. I guess I would balance it out with how much do you really want to see her? If you REALLY want to see her, then I'd invite her to JOIN in your plans (but not supplant). Otherwise...well, there's a time where this kind of self-centered behavior starts pushing my buttons one too many times. Its insulting if she made plans with everyone else but being the last to know and the one she doesn't leave time for/makes it only last minute would make me really wonder how much she actually cared about seeing me.

tdlr: No, you're not a shitty friend and unless you'd be super disappointed at not seeing her, I'd just say you have plans and leave it at that.

[7costanza]

I would tell her I already had plans and not feel bad about it. It actually sounds like SHE is the bad friend! It never feels good to feel like an afterthought, I'm sorry.

[Kahala]

Im on the pushover side. I am sometimes very wishy washy with plans and have done similar stuff so i totally see your friend's side. I would extend the invite, if she wants to come great but dont change your plans for her.

[alias]

It's your friend and you can accommodate her. I would, even though I'd be annoyed. If I had plans that couldn't accommodate a visit, I wouldn't change them and I wouldn't feel bad. But, in your case, I'd say we're baking cookies and having a family day, but you're free to come over.

[InBetweenDays]

I don't think you're being a shitty friend, but I also wonder if you'll feel worse by not extending an invitation. If you want to see her, I wouldn't let the feeling of "I don't want to be a pushover" stand in my way. I'd see her, have a good time, and then have a talk with her about how you are feeling. Taking a stand when she doesn't know you're taking a stand doesn't seem worth it to me if you want to salvage your friendship. I'd tell her you have your plans, but would love it if she and her family could come join you.

Now, if you really don't care about maintaining/working on the friendship then I'd say just tell her you are busy but hope it can work out next time she's in town.

[fiddles]

Dec 19, 2014 22:48:46 GMT -5 alias said:

It's your friend and you can accommodate her. I would, even though I'd be annoyed. If I had plans that couldn't accommodate a visit, I wouldn't change them and I wouldn't feel bad. But, in your case, I'd say we're baking cookies and having a family day, but you're free to come over.

This is where I'm at. I know how difficult it is when traveling and trying to see people. When I go home a lot of my time with friends is set up last minute.

Sent from my SM-G900T using proboards

[toratoratori]

I'd say no. But I hate when I have my day all planned out and someone wants me to change it around to accommodate them.

If this were a one-time thing, I'd be more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt. But it sounds like this is her MO, and you have to draw the line somewhere.