NHG: I need in law lessons

[sierramist03]

No matter what I say or do it always end up with a huge fight over everything!!! DH is pissed at me because I said something. I guess I need how to handle in laws training. Im so over christmas between my family and his. It doesn't have help its my time of the month either
Anybody else having family drama?

[downtoearth]

In a fight with your DH about the inlaws?

Yeah, I've sort of been there. My inlaws are super laid back and easy to get along with, but sometimes my DH feels like they get the shaft compared to my huge, loud, planner-type family. I don't have lessons, but I do sometimes make extra effort to do things with just his parents and plan them since they are so laid back and don't want to intrude by asking sometimes.

[sierramist03]

Dec 22, 2014 12:37:14 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

In a fight with your DH about the inlaws?

Yeah, I've sort of been there. My inlaws are super laid back and easy to get along with, but sometimes my DH feels like they get the shaft compared to my huge, loud, planner-type family. I don't have lessons, but I do sometimes make extra effort to do things with just his parents and plan them since they are so laid back and don't want to intrude by asking sometimes.

dh said im being difficult and then gets mad at me for not going with the flow

[bunnymendelbaum]

It got so much better for us after having kids. I don't know if I just chilled or the focus shifted or what.
My ILs are good people though. They can be annoying, but it has helped me quite a bit to just realize their intentions are good.

[emoflamingo]

I was told this morning that, when MIL took C to the ballet yesterday (which itself was a little annoying because she made a snide "should I take him to the ballet?" comment when H was confronting her about favoritism with the grandkids), she forgot to reinstall the back row of the van they drove and let C and my oldest niece ride on the floor. 100 miles, on the highway and into downtown.



I told my H about it (because the only reason I found out was because he mentioned having to "duck and hide" if they saw a police car while we were following an unmarked police car on the way to daycare this morning) and I'm still so super pissed about it, I'll likely cause a scene tonight.

Solidarity, sister.

[downtoearth]

Dec 22, 2014 12:41:12 GMT -5 sierramist03 said:

Dec 22, 2014 12:37:14 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

In a fight with your DH about the inlaws?

Yeah, I've sort of been there. My inlaws are super laid back and easy to get along with, but sometimes my DH feels like they get the shaft compared to my huge, loud, planner-type family. I don't have lessons, but I do sometimes make extra effort to do things with just his parents and plan them since they are so laid back and don't want to intrude by asking sometimes.

dh said im being difficult and then gets mad at me for not going with the flow

So sorry, this is tough and it sucks more when you are trying to have some boundaries or change the plans from what your ILs have always done and it sucks even more when your DH gets mad about it rather than try to figure it out together. Hugs.

[thewop]

I have to tell my SIL that I need to bow out of her bachelorette party. Should be interesting. She's been a total bridezilla and it's pissing me off. She sent me a text yesterday that her MOH wants me to bring a dish to pass to her bachelorette party. Um what? I didn't even RSVP yet. Sorry, not sorry.

[mrs.jacinthe]

Don't ask me for advice. I'm going on a 4-day road trip with mine because I can't stand up to them. Sigh.

[AmyRI]

No advice, as my coping mechanism is to avoid them whenever possible. But that sounds awful

And emoflamingo: raise hell!!! I would be so incredibly pissed if either of our parents did that. Rage.

[nomad100]

OK, I will admit before you read any further that I have little tolerance for people who are not planners and expect me to "go with the flow" (MIL is one of these types of people) so take this with a grain of salt, because DH and I have gotten into it on this whole issue for years but here is what I tell everyone (including my own parents so am equal opportunity):

We are busy people with jobs and other responsibilities outside of working hours. If you would like to see us or would like us to visit, you need to give more than 24 hours notice (for in town activities) and 1 week (for OOT activities). If it over the holidays, we need even more time. You don't like it? I am sorry. But that is reality. Get a calendar and don't expect us to drop everything to accommodate you.

DH, over the last 7 years, has finally gotten to the point where he realizes how nice it is to have a plan. And how nice it is for me to not tell him to shut it when he complained about how I didn't spend enough time with his mother, who loved to call me to have dinner with her that night when she was already at the restaurant and I had just gotten home from work. Yeah, never happened. And then he would get pissy when I pointed out that it isn't like he is rushing over to her house on the regular to hang out.

Good luck. The in law thing is hard.

[cjeanette]

Dec 22, 2014 12:44:27 GMT -5 emoflamingo said:

I was told this morning that, when MIL took C to the ballet yesterday (which itself was a little annoying because she made a snide "should I take him to the ballet?" comment when H was confronting her about favoritism with the grandkids), she forgot to reinstall the back row of the van they drove and let C and my oldest niece ride on the floor. 100 miles, on the highway and into downtown.



I told my H about it (because the only reason I found out was because he mentioned having to "duck and hide" if they saw a police car while we were following an unmarked police car on the way to daycare this morning) and I'm still so super pissed about it, I'll likely cause a scene tonight.

Solidarity, sister.

I would cause more than a scene. It would be the last time MIL would take me kids anywhere.

[emoflamingo]

Dec 22, 2014 14:10:28 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Dec 22, 2014 12:44:27 GMT -5 emoflamingo said:

I was told this morning that, when MIL took C to the ballet yesterday (which itself was a little annoying because she made a snide "should I take him to the ballet?" comment when H was confronting her about favoritism with the grandkids), she forgot to reinstall the back row of the van they drove and let C and my oldest niece ride on the floor. 100 miles, on the highway and into downtown.



I told my H about it (because the only reason I found out was because he mentioned having to "duck and hide" if they saw a police car while we were following an unmarked police car on the way to daycare this morning) and I'm still so super pissed about it, I'll likely cause a scene tonight.

Solidarity, sister.

I would cause more than a scene. It would be the last time MIL would take me kids anywhere.

The scene will be with my husband lol. Trust me, I'm not letting them go with her for a LONG time.

[april37]

It seems to get worse over the holidays, doesn't it? I'm going through the same thing. Plus, the holidays remind me how uninvolved my in-laws are with DD and it makes me even more mad.

emo, I am furious for you. If my in-laws did that, they would never be taking DD anywhere until she no longer needed a car seat/booster.

[lmdbww]

I agree w/others. It's always worse over the holidays. The only way it will improve is with death. lol

[Deleted]

Dec 22, 2014 14:00:35 GMT -5 nomad100 said:

OK, I will admit before you read any further that I have little tolerance for people who are not planners and expect me to "go with the flow" (MIL is one of these types of people) so take this with a grain of salt, because DH and I have gotten into it on this whole issue for years but here is what I tell everyone (including my own parents so am equal opportunity):

We are busy people with jobs and other responsibilities outside of working hours. If you would like to see us or would like us to visit, you need to give more than 24 hours notice (for in town activities) and 1 week (for OOT activities). If it over the holidays, we need even more time. You don't like it? I am sorry. But that is reality. Get a calendar and don't expect us to drop everything to accommodate you.

DH, over the last 7 years, has finally gotten to the point where he realizes how nice it is to have a plan. And how nice it is for me to not tell him to shut it when he complained about how I didn't spend enough time with his mother, who loved to call me to have dinner with her that night when she was already at the restaurant and I had just gotten home from work. Yeah, never happened. And then he would get pissy when I pointed out that it isn't like he is rushing over to her house on the regular to hang out.

Good luck. The in law thing is hard.

I'm a planner too so I feel your pain. My lL's are generally great but they have a habit of calling us at 5:30 on Sunday to see if we want to go out to dinner.  It's a nice gesture but we don't really get any notice.  We've suggested Saturdays but FIL is always off performing with his band.  I like to have Sunday evenings to chill out and get prepared for the work week. Their jobs allow them a lot more flexibility than ours, so rolling back home at 10:00 on a Sunday is NBD to them.  But 10:00 is generally when we like to be in bed so we can be up at 6:00. 

[nomad100]

downtonali It also helps that I decided that being 40+ means that no on can make me feel guilty about making choices that work for me any my life vs always putting other first. It took me too long to figure that out and then actually have the balls to make it a reality.

And DH and I have found that MIL is finally realizing that we won't drop everything to meet her and has actually gotten (a little bit) better about planning stuff. Sadly, DH takes after her and getting him to plan stuff is another job in itself. :/

[orangeblossom]

Dec 22, 2014 12:37:14 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

In a fight with your DH about the inlaws?

Yeah, I've sort of been there. My inlaws are super laid back and easy to get along with, but sometimes my DH feels like they get the shaft compared to my huge, loud, planner-type family. I don't have lessons, but I do sometimes make extra effort to do things with just his parents and plan them since they are so laid back and don't want to intrude by asking sometimes.

Maybe this makes me cruel, but DH tried that nonsense, and I was like, nope. 
I told him he is welcome to plan stuff with his family, and that I haven't turned down any invites, and in fact, had suggested some get togethers. 

If he wants to see his family more, he can make the effort. It's not my job to see that it's done. 

[Deleted]

I just remember the following:

Not my problem. My inlaws are great but the complete opposite of me in a lot of ways. Since having kids I've been out of time and just let so much more go. Now I'm very "What do you need me to do? I'll be there." Life got a lot easier once I removed myself from their never ending text chains of stupid little stuff.

Along that same line, Their different is not my wrong. Just because I wouldn't do that way, my family is different etc. etc. blah blah doesn't make it bad/wrong. Just different. And that's okay.

I've also recognized that I am who I am and I'm not going to feel guilty over it. I give H the same courtesy (he's a lot different than my family too). Things are a lot better since we came to that realization.

It's still rough sometimes. Go drink in a corner.

[Deleted]

To OP, this sounds more like a husband fight.

You'll need to get him to tell you clearly what he's expecting. Good luck. Hopefully you can figure out why he's getting upset.