I need a reality check

[shoeless]

I logically know I am being unreasonable, but my emotions are in the way. 

Today H and I had our egg donor IVF counseling appointment. (It was a phone appointment with him and I in two different locations)  At one point she asked about our emotions as we've gone through this process.  He commented on being disappointed that it had come to egg donation.  Him stating that he was disappointed was a shock to me. (He's very stiff upper lip kind of person).  His follow up sentence was that he was disappointed that it would cost us so much to have a child.

I totally thought his follow up sentence would be 'I'm disappointed our kids won't have shoeless's eyes, ears, mouth/something.'  I know my hurt is illogical since we did not intend to have children this way, but his focus on the money stings.  Please remind me that people process and focus on things differently. 

[pooh8402]

DH reacted this way too when we found out we would need help conceiving, especially through IVF. It wasn't that we needed help, it was that it cost so much. Now that our little one is on the way, he is getting excited and said it was worth it.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Monica Geller]

I'm sorry. ((Hugs)) IF is a bitch.

[spankswife]

People definitely handle things differently. Maybe those would be your concerns, but he sounds like he will love the child no matter what, and maybe the financial part is just shocking to him. Or maybe he is just saying something to say something so he feels like he is participating, and trying to be (what he thinks is) neutral at the same time.

Lots of hugs. I am sure it is hard.

[livinitup]

In a million years, my DH would never say he was disappointed about something remotely real. Money? Yup, he can talk about THAT all day long.

And then be shocked it's soooo wrong. Shocked!

[Deleted]

Men and women process things like this differently. The money part does sting. My IVF cost a fortune and that was without the added expense of ED. I tried to focus on the miracle of it. Years ago it wasn't even an option and now it's amazing what can be done. I hope that yours is successful!

[shoeless]

Thank you all, I needed some perspective

[wrathofkuus]

Well, maybe it is the money and hassle that's most disappointing. Maybe he's thinking more about the experience of parenting with you, and doesn't really care what the kid looks like.

[G22]

Like PP said, H and I process our emotions differently with this stupid IF stuff. He focuses on the cost more than me. I focus on my consistently empty uterus more. There nothing wrong with that. There are so many factors and emotions deal with when going through IF. ((hugs))

[bugandbibs]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Maybe I look at it differently because I am an adoptive mom, but the financial costs would be the most upsetting thing to me too. When I look at DD1, all I see is my amazing daughter. I never think, "gee it's too bad she doesn't have_______". No amount of genetic material would make her more "mine".

I really hope things work out for you.

[jena]

I think some people, and especially men, worry about the financial impact of having a child. It's a worry and a stress to know this helpless creature will rely on you 100%. I think men tend to focus on the financial part of this, feeling it's on him to provide (which is old fashioned and probably illogical, but emotions are not logical). And seeing a big financial hit before you are pg of really drives this home.

[Muddled]

I find it more or less impossible to separate the financial aspect from all the rest of it. Be it the meds or the stress or the cost or the timeline or the uncertainty - all of it sucks. All of it is shit that other people don't have to deal with in order to get pregnant and it's a package deal at this point.