If you had a c-section under general come in

[Brie]

I'm totally okay that they did it but I'm feeling a little sad and guilty that P was all alone for awhile after birth. There's nothing picture or memory wise from his first 20 or so minutes, until H got to see him.

Anyway, what helped you process? Also, did your H have any issues? I feel like mine is trying to be strong but I know he was scared shitless and alone while I was in the OR.

[sproutmd]

Talking about it helped me and DH process the situation as we told the story to family and friends. There are a few differences for us. It happened with my first birth, the nurse took a photo of DH holding our son after a few minutes, and DS1 had a cord prolapse. It was discovered when I was first checked at the hospital. They had him out in a matter of minutes. My Mom has told me on more than one occasion that she will never forget the fear in DH's voice when he called her. That was a comfort to me, though. Maybe that is twisted? We were really able to focus on the medical staff being able to get us all through the process quickly and safely. Knowing that if we would have waited at home instead of going straight to the hospital would have meant DS would not have made it, really overshadowed me not being able to hold him right away or having other negative emotions and thoughts. I hope this helps a little bit.

[Deleted]

I think it's okay and totally normal for you to have those feelings @brie. I am guessing that it will all hit you over the next year and you will need to process this multiple times. That's okay, and you should reach out to the boards, or IRL friends/family/therapists whenever and feel totally okay with that.

I am guessing on all this, because I never had a c under general BUT I think this is true with any " traumatic" event in our lives.

Also although P was alone for about 20 minutes I am SURE he will never really be alone or lonely again with C around as a great big brother. I know that P feels super loved from everyone that knows him! You are a great Mom!

[catsarecute]

They had to whisk DD away to be monitored so I only saw her for 5 seconds and I sent DH to go with her. I'm sad I don't have that classic picture of her on my chest. DH took video and pictures in the nursery but I didn't hold her for 2 hours.
I have closure with the whole thing. I know that it was an emergency and she had to get out. I treasure the pictures of our time in the hospital and try not to focus on those first minutes.

[AlpineSlide]

I agree w/ pp that talking about it helps. Telling my friends and family the whole story helped me heal. And I just focused on being grateful that DS and I are both healthy.

But I'm over a year out and still not completely okay with it. I am (and probably always will be) sad that I didn't hear DS's first cry and that I didn't see him for 3+ hours. But our nurses were great about taking pictures for us when they could (obviously none of the immediate birth). So I am so happy to have those!

H didn't really have any issues. I know he was just stunned at the time and it was our first baby so he didn't know what to expect anyway. I think it really bonded him to DS asap because he was with him alone until I woke up and everything. He really took that time seriously. We honestly haven't talked about if he was scared for me or anything.

To be honest, DH and I should have talked about it at the time. But I was pretty much off the deep end for the first 2 months PP so he was sort of on egg shells. So just keep the lines of communication open.

I realize I'm not really giving helpful advice, but wanted to be honest that some of the negativity doesn't go away. Sorry

[Brie]

Yeah, I'm totally fine with the medical decisions that were made. I know it had to happen like it did and I'm so thankful they got him out safely. I was just going through pictures last night and there's a half hour gap from the time he was born to when he got to H, and it sort of hit me that that time is just missing.

[minzy]

I didn't, but my twin did (and I was with her all day).  She had labored for ~15(?) hours, pushed for an hour plus, and he wasn't dropping, so they moved to a c.  Her husband went in to the OR, but was kicked out, because she could feel them make the incision, so they knocked her out.  I found BIL in a little tiny room and we waited together.  I admit I was scared, and I was also upset that she wasn't going to get to see the baby right away.  I felt a little silly crying, because then BIL was trying to comfort me, when really I should have been the one comforting him!  Fortunately, the harrowing part didn't last that long, and the nurses got us updates and pictures with our phones.  BIL spent a few minutes with my nephew in the nursery, and then he switched to my sister in the recovery room.  

The nurses got me in to see my nephew in the nursery, and I spent a solid hour alone with him before my sister ever met him (she met him ~2hr 15min after he was born).  They wouldn't let me hold him because they said the mother got to do that first, which certainly made sense to me.  So I just held his hand and rubbed his belly and sang to him and took pictures.  I was just trying to help him pass the time until he met his mom.  I also discouraged the staff from giving him formula right away, because I knew she wanted to try nursing (and it's been going really well).  I'm in favor of immediate skin to skin if possible, and was honored I was able to keep him company, but in the grand scheme of things, even if I hadn't been there, I don't think that little bit of time away from his family will have made a huge difference in his life.  We all did our best within the circumstances with which we were dealt, and it sounds like you guys did, too.  

I have asked my sister about it twice in the several weeks since and she's kind of nonchalant about it.  "Was it ideal?  No.  But whatever, they got him out and we're both alive."  I think BIL feels the same.  

[auntie]

Trigger warning.









Not my story, but a good friend had a baby recently. She had a vasa previa, umbilical cord that detactes from the baby before delivery. Her LO was one of the 5% who made it and while she was grateful for the great outcome given what could have happened, she needed to talk it over to get to process what happened. She saw a therapist short term and is doing a lot better. She also went back on the SSRi she took pre-pg.

[starlily]

I didn't have a c under general, but DD1 was immediately taken to NICU and we couldn't see her for 3-4 hours. I couldn't see her until my fever dropped and H didn't want to go without me.

What helped me feel less bad about her being alone was seeing how much the nurses care about their smallest patients. They also took a few pictures for us.

[toutsuite]

My situation was a bit different from yours because I was awake for the birth, although ds wasn't born breathing so I couldn't initially see him. My spinal then failed so I could feel them doing the surgery. Shortly after he was born, I hemorrhaged which turned into an emergency situation. They knocked me out with general before I got the chance to know whether my baby was ok. The last thing I remember was seeing the nicu doctor working on ds and my dh's face as they told him he had to leave the or immediately. Ironically, with all that was going on in the or, the doctors and nurses were incredibly calm which helped. I don't know how they all stayed so calm.

Honestly, I haven't found anything to help me process yet though I do think about it less since I am two months out. Instead of thinking about it every hour, I think about it maybe every other hour now. I still get choked up when I think about how I felt being put under with the uncertainty of ds's situation. Luckily, dh was able to stay with ds the whole time (they were able to resuscitate him just as I was going under) so we do have a few pictures with ds and dh. I know what you are talking about with the guilt though. Really though, I still have a lot of feelings about the matter that I haven't been able to articulate well. Even talking about the birth is hard. I felt like I was robbed of something that should have been such a happy experience because it was so scary, though I am so incredibly grateful of the outcome and team of doctors there.

keep us updated if you find anything that works to help you process and I will certainly do the same. I'm sorry you had to go through that and experience the birth of your ds in that manner and hope that you are able to find peace with it going forward.

[mandapanda18]

I am still not 100% okay with it... I won't lie. I labored med-free for 14+ hours (induction) and was hell-bent on not having my kid born with drugs in his system. In the end, the cord was wrapped around his neck several times, so every time the contractions would push him into the birth canal his heart would decel. It was a nightmare, I agreed to the C-section because I wanted him out safe. They tried for several (35-40) minutes to get the epidural in and couldn't, so I went under general. The birth certificate says 10:02, I am a light-weight when it comes to anesthesia and didn't wake up until after mid-night. I woke up alone in recovery, my H was with C in our room. I was still so out of it that my H would hand C to me, I would fall asleep and he would have to grab him so I didn't drop him. I didn't get to do Skin-to skin right away, I didn't get any pictures of his first bath, or even nurse until like 4am.

I felt better the next day, I remember unwrapping the swaddle and put him on the bed between my legs to check him out, count his toes, etc. It started getting better from there. I honestly felt terrible because I didn't connect with him, hell how did I even know he was mine since I wasn't present for his birth (lol, I was the only one still in labor at the time and they don't put babies in the nursery, so he was mine!). But you get the idea. I still cringe when people comment on how I had a C-section, Like I chose it, and I have to tell them to mind their own business because each situation is different.

I won't like, my birth experience is probably 95% of the reason that we have not had a second child. My H was also very traumatized from the whole thing (obviously he didn't get to be there for his birth either) and they didn't keep him as up to date as they should through the whole epidural fiasco, so he was walking the halls waiting for his kid/wife to be okay. Talking it over helped a ton, so did the two of us meeting with a marriage therapist. 

[cricketwife]

I hope it's okay that I'm answering even though I didn't have a c section. DS was in the room after birth but not crying, and being worked on by the neonatal team. I was a mess and I couldn't see him from where I was. It was quite a while until he got passed off to DH.  And then I was being worked on for even longer and by the time we got any pictures he was a couple hours old.  It was really scary for a while.  DS's initial apgars were low. I know that P had great apgars!

Even though neither you nor your H were with him, he wasn't alone - not the same, I know. I also think that we all have one vision of how we imagine the birth is going to be and then there are so, so, many ways to be disappointed when it doesn't turn out that way. And our PP selves are so hormonal, it's so easy to be sad and disappointed.  And you're still so close to the experience, it's just really hard.

TBH, I'm still disappointed by our birth experience, over a year out, and I don't think that will ever change.  But I hardly ever think about it anymore. Really, the only time is when it comes up on here.  And soon, you'll have so many amazing memories of P's life, that you probably won't focus on the birth itself that much either.  But you definitely need time.

As for your H, all I can say is it were my husband, he would begin to process with me, once I was totally better. I would maybe say something like, "that must have been really scary for you when they took me to the OR" and see what he said.

Lots of hugs.  You did great!  I hope you're able to be at peace with everything.  

[shelbyann]

No CS here but another who didn't get to hold or see her baby right away. DD was born blue after a really long hard labor and was whisked to the NICU as soon as they got her up and running. I have a lot of feelings about the whole thing and have considered trying to find a therapist or something but haven't yet. I probably should.

I have a lot of crunchy-ish mom friends on FB and it always makes me want to cry when they post pro-skin-to-skin stuff.

Big hugs. I hope you find some peace with the situation, however or whenever it may come.

[docholly]

I didn't have a c-section, but I experienced similar feelings of sadness after ODS was born because the nurses, trying to be helpful after my long labor, whisked ODS away after birth for a good 2-3 hours. They were doing the routine stuff, but I was too passive I guess to ask that he be brought back. It was a very disorienting feeling. I was like... I just had a baby... but where is the baby? What the heck happened? It didn't help that H went home about an hour after birth to check on the DOG.

I felt sort of disconnected from ODS for a while because I think I missed that skin to skin. It really was a different experience when YDS stayed in room with me for the whole time (bath and everything).

It got better, but to be honest, I think I will always be sad about that after birth time with ODS.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I didn't have a C-section, but I have very little memory of the first hour or so of DD1's life and very fuzzy ones of her first few days. (After a vaginal birth, my blood pressure plummeted, and DD1 was literally snatched out of my arms by a nurse (who was afraid I'd drop her) then basically dumped into her isolette in the corner of the hospital room while doctors and nurses swarmed around me trying to figure out what was wrong. I then spent a few days not doing well at all until they figured out I needed a D&C.)

I also have only a handful of pictures from the entire hospital stay when DD1 was born. I remember I had the video camera (this was before smart phones had them) and several cameras all ready to go so we could document her first moments of life. And then they were packed away and taken home without being used once. The only pictures I have from the week I was in the hospital are some cell phone photos.

I felt horribly, horribly guilty about all of this for a while -- I'd picture her there all alone in her bed in the corner of the hospital room and be incredibly upset. The only things that helped were time and talking about it. Talk to your DH -- even though he was overwhelmed, he hadn't just undergone major surgery so his memories of P's birth are likely to be clearer than yours. For whatever reason, I never really talked to DH about it until months later (when I'd been obsessing that whole time). His perspective really helped me because while I felt like DD1 was all alone for HOURS, in reality it was 10 or 15 minutes and she wasn't really alone -- there were nurses checking on her and she was totally fine.

I also strongly recommend you see a counselor once you're up to it. Even if you feel like you're processing everything okay, talking to someone about it can be really healing.

The fact that you have some pictures from the night he was born is awesome! Take lots and lots today and until whenever you leave the hospital so that you will have documented everything you can. And try to let go of the guilt that you don't have pictures of his very first moments. Try not to think of them as missing moments -- they weren't wasted: you had a medical emergency and the doctors were focused on making sure you and he were alive and healthy.

Big hugs! Even though you know all the decisions made were the right ones it can be hard to get your mind around the experience being SO different from what you were expecting.

[barefootcontessa]

I think you just need time. My first birth was so exhausting and emotionally draining that I told the recovery nurse I did not want to see him when she brought him to me. I felt very guilty for a while (fueled by PP hormones no doubt) but over time I let it go. You did what you had to do to make sure his delivery was safe and he stayed healthy.  My advice is to stay focused on that and tune out the negative stuff as best you can.  

[halfpint]

Not under general, but emergency. Neither of us could see B right away because he was "lethargic" coming out. I was freaked. It wasn't long at all, and we were in the room, but I couldn't hear him crying and no one was saying anything to me or my H.

I was fine at first, very "healthy baby, so we're okay". As time progressed, I started to have Feelings about it all.

My doula actually helped me process a lot, as she went through two emergency c/s after inductions. She reminded me that yes, a healthy baby is everyone's desired outcome, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have questions and feelings and thoughts and worries and maybe even a little depression, etc., around the whole thing. It's scary stuff that you went through, even if it was 100% the right medical decision to make.

She connected me to a local support group that's affiliated with ICAN - maybe there's a local group that would help? Or just talk it out here. Hugs - you're all safe (and totally adorable), but it's ok to feel the way you feel.

[thebreakfastclub]

Not under general, but I'm coming in anyway to talk about my unplanned C/S.

It is coming up on 2 years ago, and there are parts of the experience that still sting to this day. When I read birth stories about 2 pushes, or how great they felt after, I still have the jealousy, and I guess I always will.

The hardest part is that now everyone's focus moves to the baby. I felt like people (not H, but my mom and others) were 95% baby focused, and I was kind of forgotten. It takes time to process what happened and have it not become such a focus.

The awesome thing is, you'll have a moment in a few weeks where you are moving through your day and you totally forget about the C/S. And then it feels pretty awesome to realize you are recovered and you got past it.

[Brie]

Thanks for sharing everyone. It's helpful just to share and process--H and I have been talking about it a lot and hearing his perspective is also interesting but equally scary.

It was probably naive but we never really even considered this could happen in advance. We had casually talked about what we wanted in case of a c-section but never discussed the possibility of him not being able to be there with me and the baby. Which is kind of a big deal.

[humpforfree]

I wasn't under general but he had to be taken away for monitoring asap. All I remember from that time was sitting in the delivery room where they took me out of the OR and family guy and the Simpsons onTV, for what felt like hours (definitely at least an hour) with no one giving me information or updates.

I am still so sad that I never go to do skin to skin or even see him until almost 12 hours later. It makes me choke up thinking about all of that time that he was in the nursery/nicu without either of us. It's been almost a year and it doesn't hurt me as much now, but I really really hope I get a more normal birth experience next time so I can see it from that end too...

[humpforfree]

Oh and one of the true harder things for me is that H doesn't feel like this at all. It didn't bother him at all- he was just like "he's sleeping and we can't do anything but stare at him, so why would we need to be there?" So it killed me that he could physically be there, but didn't see the need. He did go when I insisted every hour or so, but yeah... It was hard.

[cobber06]

I didn't have a c section, but Audrey was taken to the NICU immediately and due to my own recovery issues I didn't see her until she was 12 hours old.

I was felt horribly guilty for the longest time- especially since C roomed in with me while A was in the NICU. My mom was also able to hold her before I was, which bothered me a lot at the time.

It took a lot of time to feel at peace with the girls' birth. I couldn't talk about it without crying for the first few months.

Some negative feelings resurfaced around the time of their first birthday. Now that they are almost 2, I feel completely emotionally recovered.

[Narwhal]

I delivered at 29 weeks with a csection. I was on a lot of drugs and the mag sulfate made me really out of it. I remember them telling me not to expect to hear them cry, so the fact that they did sticks out, but that's about it. I didn't get to see them at all because they were immediately whisked away to the NICU. My H did take pics that I Cherish. My H got to see them about an hour later and took pics then too. I got another huge dose of mag after delivery so I don't remember meeting them for the first time. I think it was 4 hours later I got to visit. That is probably the hardest pill to swallow. I have no recollection of meeting my babies for the first time

Anyway, same as a lot of the others. I waver between being really, really sad about things and just being thankful for the few memories I have and that they are/were ok. It is hard to listen to the "normal" delivery stories from friends and family but it is what it is I guess. I saw a therapist who basically said - yeah, it sucks and when you're sad about it, be sad. It's ok to mourn the loss of your ideal and feel whatever it is you need to feel.
I'm sorry you're delivery was so scary. Talking always helps in my opinion.

[july]

I hope you find peace in the situation.

[Brie]

Jan 26, 2015 22:33:02 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

I'm sorry Brie. Please don't put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way: even though you're of course glad for a safe delivery, it's absolutely understandable to feel some grief at how it happened.

Where was P for the first 20 minutes? I mean, he wasn't alone-alone, right? Just not with you or H? I am picturing them putting the baby into the hallway by himself lol.

I'm sure he was getting Apgars done and swaddled and stuff. The nurses were really great and I'm sure they gave him lots of love. It's just hard not knowing.

@starry was right--I was fine for a few days but now it's kind of coming down on me like a ton of bricks, just the specific memories and remembering the feeling of terror and being totally powerless.

[sent]

I had a c-section but not under general. I often feel all the feelings on many topics but DD's birth is one that I don't get up in arms about. I know I'm probably weird.  For all the disagreements my husband and I have in our relationship, her birth is one of those rare unicorn topics we both saw eye to eye on which may be why I am at peace with it. I guess it helped that we knew early on that a C-section was in the cards bc of breech positioning. We had discussed and agreed that only I would be in the room because he is extremely squeamish. I cherish the memory I have of her laying in the corner a few minutes after she was born as the pediatricians were buzzing around doing their assessment. And me squinting and cursing myself for not wearing contacts because I thought I could see hair (there was!).  

I didn't get to see her until 24 hours later in the NICU which was annoying since I felt good by like 14 hours.  What bothered me the most was the lactation consultant telling me that I had to chain myself to a machine every 2 hours. I wanted to hold her in the NICU and they let me, but holding her with us dressed in gowns, gloves and masks and her squirming with wires coming out everywhere didn't feel right. It didn't feel all magical and glowing at all like the Facebook pictures people post. So I patiently waited until she was discharged from the hospital and gave her all the hugs when we brought her home.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe it was easier for me to process everything since I knew I would likely have a C, I knew she would be a preemie, my husband and I actually mutually agreed on this one topic in our marriage, and that's her story and makes her uniquely part of our family.

Now that I wrote that, I wish I could go hug DD right now but she is sleeping. (heart)  Hugs to you and I hope you find peace.  He is very cute!

[mudslide]

I didn't have a csection but my daughter was a preemie. She was a gray color when she was born and she wasn't crying. She was taken out of the room as soon as they cut her cord. After she was stabilized, she was brought to by the delivery room for 2 minutes on her way to the NICU. I wasn't allowed to touch her. I wasn't allowed to see her until a long while later. It's still hard to think about her birth. I'm tearing up right now in fact. It is easier when I realize how well cared for she was. She was in great hands and that helps to know. Talk about it all that you need to.

[dbsk8dance]

I wasn't under general, but I didn't stabilize for hours and I didn't get to hold him until 12 hours after he was born. DH got to hold him and was with him part of the time, but he was by himself for a while.

I couldn't change it and am sad about it, but we're both ok. Liam is 5.5 now and I don't think about his birth much.

Congrats on the new baby! Take time to deal with the birth as you will, but time heals.

[mrsjrd23]

Hugs, Brie,

I second ICAN which halfpint mentioned. Their support helped me process some things after my C that helped my healing. I hope you find peace soon.

www.ican-online.org/

[andthentherewere10]

No csection under general but DS was basically whisked away to the NICU less than 2 minutes after being born so we were in the same situation. I have PTSD from it, I think, and dwelled on it a long time. I was left to recover by myself (for over an hour) while my husband looked at DS through the tiny glass window into the NICU. Not that I minded that decision that he made (to go with the baby vs stay with me - I was fine and baby was not), it was just not what anyone envisioned. It got better as we started taking pictures and making more memories with DS at home but it still saddens me that there was no "we're a family, let's all hug" moment after the baby was born. Thinking of you, Brie.