If you've had a loss

[Yankees21]

What that others have done have been the most helpful? One of my best friends is 17 weeks pregnant and found out the baby is not going to make it due to suspected Trisomy 18. I'm devastated for her, and would like to do anything I can. Bring food/something to remember the baby by? I think I remember from here previously that flowers aren't ideal.

Thanks so much.

[Booze Raccoon]

I lost a baby at 20 weeks. I personally didn't want any attention about it. I wanted to grieve on my own.

For you, let her lead the way. If she wants to talk about it, listen. You don't have to say anything.

[Yankees21]

Jan 26, 2015 10:08:52 GMT -5 Booze Raccoon said:

I lost a baby at 20 weeks. I personally didn't want any attention about it. I wanted to grieve on my own.

For you, let her lead the way. If she wants to talk about it, listen. You don't have to say anything.

I'm really sorry. Thanks for your perspective.

[Deleted]

I had a very early loss but I still just wanted to be home alone with DH. My best friend in the world insisted on coming over and she brought my favorite color roses and chocolate. While it was beyond sweet, I just didn't want any company. I'd say take your cues from her.

[verypunny]

Honestly, wait a week and send a thinking of you card.

[lilybug]

Food was helpful. Not necessarily meals, just small snacky stuff. I didn't have much of an appetite for a long time.

I love my jewelry that I got to remember each baby, but everyone is different. She might not be ready for that right away.

Whenever someone asked what I needed in the days right afterward, I blanked. I didn't want to order anyone around. I appreciated my friends who contacted my family to see what they could do.

[ladystardust]

I was 32 weeks and really didn't want a whole lot of attention. I think just being there for her and try and feel out what she would respond well to is best. People grieve so differently. People brought food and stuff and I appreciated it because I wasn't going to cook anything but I didn't like being so...needy? Idk.

One thing I do still cherish is a "healing" necklace my SIL got me. Has a little stone and a metal heart with little baby feet on one side. I also still keep a baby blanket the chaplain gave us on my bed but that's kind of more symbolic than about what it actually is.

[kath16]

Jan 26, 2015 10:16:42 GMT -5 lilybug said:

Food was helpful. Not necessarily meals, just small snacky stuff. I didn't have much of an appetite for a long time.

I love my jewelry that I got to remember each baby, but everyone is different. She might not be ready for that right away.

Whenever someone asked what I needed in the days right afterward, I blanked. I didn't want to order anyone around. I appreciated my friends who contacted my family to see what they could do.

We did this too, but my H and I picked it out and bought it ourselves. I would not have wanted someone else to help with this, even with the very best and sweetest intentions.

Honestly, meals helped immensely for me. It was just one less thing to think about after surgery and presumably at that point in your friend's pregnancy she will have to have some sort of procedure. Not having to feed H and SD helped me a ton.

Longer term, just remembering her baby. Like most deaths, when it first happens you feel like you have all the support in the world, but the farther you get from it time-wise the more people forget. This is why I like when people ask about my jewelry.

ETA: I actually appreciated the flowers that people sent, but I can understand why some people wouldn't.

[verypunny]

Also find out her plan, is she going to continue the pregnancy? That makes a difference, she will be grieving the diagnosis but she is still pregnant with her baby. So avoid any loss type of things right now, a simple I'm thinking of you card mailed with a restaurant gift card is the best idea. Mail it, don't stop by.

[Yankees21]

Thank you guys, I really appreciate you all sharing and am very sorry for your losses. I think at the least I will leave my baby at home and bring over some food for now.

[coribelle26]

I appreciated text messages and emails because I could respond when I wanted without necessarily having to talk. My closest friends came by (with planning, they didn't just drop over) about 3 or 4 days after and that was good timing for me, but everyone is different. Ask if you can bring food, they may feel like eating and they may not.

[compassrose]

Jan 26, 2015 10:27:30 GMT -5 Yankees21 said:

Thank you guys, I really appreciate you all sharing and am very sorry for your losses. I think at the least I will leave my baby at home and bring over some food for now.

That sounds like a great plan.  I'm sure the food will be well received, and then you can take your cue for whether she wants you to hang out and talk, or just drop it off and be on your way. 

I was pretty messed up after mine, and I'm not sure there was a 'right' thing to do.

[lilybug]

*Definitely* leave your baby at home. When I lost Ezra, BF's family came up to the hospital within a couple hours - I wasn't really ready for visitors, but he wanted them there. But seeing their little 6 month old crawl around and everyone cooing over him was too much to bear. I kicked them out. I'm sure you would be more sensitive, but it is really hard to see little ones for a long time after a late loss.

[kath16]

Jan 26, 2015 10:28:39 GMT -5 coribelle26 said:

I appreciated text messages and emails because I could respond when I wanted without necessarily having to talk. My closest friends came by (with planning, they didn't just drop over) about 3 or 4 days after and that was good timing for me, but everyone is different. Ask if you can bring food, they may feel like eating and they may not.

this is a really good point. it seems minor but it's not. i could respond to texts on my own time without feeling like i was ignoring people.

[Yankees21]

Jan 26, 2015 10:30:59 GMT -5 lilybug said:

*Definitely* leave your baby at home. When I lost Ezra, BF's family came up to the hospital within a couple hours - I wasn't really ready for visitors, but he wanted them there. But seeing their little 6 month old crawl around and everyone cooing over him was too much to bear. I kicked them out. I'm sure you would be more sensitive, but it is really hard to see little ones for a long time after a late loss.

Absolutely. I'm really sorry you had to deal with that

[verypunny]

I said wait a week because it seems people are bombarded at the beginning and then after a little time has passed it seems everyone has moved on. It makes you feel like you should too.it was nice to get something at that point so I knew people were still thinking of me and my baby.

Of course I would text now that you're thinking of her but a bigger gesture, to me, really helped me a week out.

[Yankees21]

Jan 26, 2015 10:41:32 GMT -5 @meepmeep said:

I bought my own jewelry and saved ultrasound pics, etc., for memory, and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else doing that stuff besides H and me. Food and cards and kind words are the best gifts. I do not recommend waiting a week like a PP said. Reach out in a non-intrusive way - like text or email - so your friend can respond if/when she wants, but do it early and every couple days - just 'thinking of you' or 'wishing you peace today' or 'i love you' is enough. There were a few people who found out and said nothing, and that hurt. Do not stop by unannounced. Do not bring it up in public/in front of other people unless she does first - even months from now. I had a disastrous public sobbing incident when someone did this to me. Follow her lead in the language she uses to talk about it. For example, if she is going to continue with the pregnancy, do not use the past tense to describe her pregnancy/baby. Some people find it easier talk about the loss as a lost pregnancy or fetus. Others like to use the terminology of a lost child/son/daughter. Mirror her terminology.

I'm sorry for your friend's loss, and I thank you for being sensitive in supporting her.

Thank you to you and gravytrain225 about your point re: the gifts, that makes total sense. She found out about a month ago about the possibility of issues and only told a handful of people, including me, and today found out the baby now has fluid in their lungs and the heartbeat has slowed, and was heading to meet with the high risk doctor. She does seem to want to talk about it, at least with me, so I will definitely follow her lead there.

Thank you so much for sharing your difficult experience.

[Deleted]

I lost mine at 17 weeks. One friend brought over a bag with all the basics, paper plates, napkins, silverware, paper towels and toilet paper. It was so nice and something I would never have thought of. Since we had family coming over and people dropping off meals, it was great. She also checked in on my on my first day back and work, she knew it would be hard and that meant the world to me. She also mailed me a card at Mother's Day and didn't forget that it would be hard.

[gummybear]

I had a loss at 17w and the best thing people could do for me is help with my older daughter. I was a hot mess and unable to parent and I wanted to maintain a sense of normalcy for her. Just coming over, helping out with her meeting me for playdates or at places where she could play while I talked were most helpful.

If she does not have living children, just take her lead. A lot of people would send cards or whatever saying they were sorry but were scared of me, or my grief or whatever. People who weren't afraid to talk to me, see me, or ask how I was doing were most appreciated. Also, in 3-4 weeks, when everyone and their casseroles disappears, keep checking in on her. People tend to think you should be over it at a certain time, and most likely she won't be. It got very lonely in the months after the initial surge of condolences and concern.

[game blouses]

I had an early loss, but it was the day before my birthday, so I had all kinds of attention after it happened from people who had no idea I had even been pregnant. I just wanted to be left alone and I kept getting calls and texts all day. Minimal attention and "I'm thinking of you" was best for me.

[calledout]

I can see this going over like a huge lead balloon for some, but for me - a few days after sending a proper "thinking of / love you" note, my girlfriend sent me the funniest email. Something about how I should focus on the top ten highlights of the year, and then proceeded to list all of the dumb things I had done - like wearing 2 different shoes to work, getting la flat tire in the parking lot, running over my phone with my car, etc. The way she did it was hilarious - it's not coming across properly here. But it was an acknowledgment of the sad, but also a welcome break from the somber "how are you doooooing" stuff. If there's a way to interject some humor / laughter in a way that's not insensitive / inappropriate, I think that would be good.

[Deleted]

Along with the other good tips, think about remembering the due date (calendar, phone etc). A lot of people are supportive the first few weeks, but her situation will fade from their minds by the time the due date arrives; it feels pretty lonely. Just a simple 'how are you, I know the due date was today' will mean a lot.

[just]

Afterwards, if she initiates the conversation, let her talk about it all. Many people in her life won't want to hear the details but for some people that sharing is important. If you can be a listener, it will be appreciated.

If she shares it with you, use the baby' s name and sex when talking (try not to use 'it', use him/her and the name. )

As PPs have said, she'll carry this grief with her forever so try to remember it. The anniversary of day the baby is born, dies, original due date, Mother's Day.

[Queen Mamadala]

After losing my first son, the wives of my ex-husband's colleagues prepared a week's worth of meals for us. My then SIL helped tidy the house while I was in the hospital, and my midwife and her apprentice gave me a "healing" basket then day I came home. I still have the basket and some of the keepsakes.

A lot of friends sent cards, and some sent flowers. One of the most thoughtful gifts was a white blanket a woman crocheted for me. I really needed something tangible. I missed feeling his weight in my arms, having my arms full, and while there is no replacement, having something tangible was very therapeutic. (as well as the Molly Bear I have now)

Food, cards, chocolate, keepsakes... being asked how I'm doing, remembering, are what helped the most. The snacks/food/chocolate were especially helpful during the early months.

Comfort kit ideas:

earthmamaangelbaby.com/products/healing-hearts-comfort-kit
www.missinggrace.org/gracecarebasketsMain.html
www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/gifts-miscarriage.html
www.intimeofsorrow.com/sub-lossofinfantorchild.html

[Yankees21]

Jan 26, 2015 11:26:27 GMT -5 Queen Mamadala said:

After losing my first son, the wives of my ex-husband's colleagues prepared a week's worth of meals for us. My then SIL helped tidy the house while I was in the hospital, and my midwife and her apprentice gave me a "healing" basket then day I came home. I still have the basket and some of the keepsakes.

A lot of friends sent cards, and some sent flowers. One of the most thoughtful gifts was a white blanket a woman crocheted for me. I really needed something tangible. I missed feeling his weight in my arms, having my arms full, and while there is no replacement, having something tangible was very therapeutic. (as well as the Molly Bear I have now)

Food, cards, chocolate, keepsakes... being asked how I'm doing, remembering, are what helped the most. The snacks/food/chocolate were especially helpful during the early months.

Comfort kit ideas:

earthmamaangelbaby.com/products/healing-hearts-comfort-kit
www.missinggrace.org/gracecarebasketsMain.html
www.ididnotknowwhattosay.com/gifts-miscarriage.html
www.intimeofsorrow.com/sub-lossofinfantorchild.html

Thank you for the links! I'm very sorry for your loss.

[just]

This is a nice article in WashPo today about the experience of miscarriages and grief.

www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/01/26/i-had-a-miscarriage-talk-to-me/

[loira]

Ditto pps on just being there for her. My best friend was a wonderful source of support during and after my loss at 24 weeks. She was always there for me, but didn't pressure me to talk about anything if I wasn't up for it. She also offered to let other people know, which was a huge relief to me. One of the things that magnified my grief was the fact that I am a very private person, and this loss was so public by virtue of me having announced/ being visibly pregnant.

If you friend is looking for sources of comfort in the weeks/months that follow, I'd mention jewellery (I have a beautiful pendant with my daughter's name and date of birth), but as others have stated she'll probably want to pick it out herself or with her partner.

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

[hymen]

We had a loss at 9 weeks. We didn't want to talk about it with anyone, just grieve in our own way. Eventually I started opening up to a few people about having a miscarriage, but I doubt many people outside close family/friends know. I share with people who I know are also experiencing a loss, just to let them know someone is out there who has experienced it.

I would send a card in a few days, maybe with a gift cars for carry out. In a few weeks you can ask if she needs anything, but don't be surprised or hurt if she does not open up.