Post by Ashley&Scott on Jan 26, 2015 10:19:04 GMT -5
This weekend we went to visit my dad. (he lives in a nursing home) He keeps his tv on 24/7, even when he has visitors. It's a little annoying since we're there to visit with him & he's watching tv only half paying attention to us but whatever. Usually it's old sitcoms like King of Queens or Roseann, so no big deal. This weekend when we went he was watching a John Wayne movie. I had mentioned that if a fighting scene came on we would need to change it because it will upset M. So we're just hanging out & the movie starts leading up to a fighting scene. I changed the channel & my dad got pissed. He said that they were just "playing tug of war" & I'm "unnecessarily sheltering my kid, he's 3 & will see it some day". I told him that I've seen enough John Wayne movies to know that the fight scene was next & I'm not subjecting my kid to that. I also told him that it was my choice what my kid watches & I didn't appreciate his sheltering comment. He continued to be pissed that we changed his channel. We ended up leaving shortly after this.
I realize this all sounds petty & trivial. I'm a little sensitive to the sheltering comment because it's not the first time my very breezy family has said that I'm overreacting or sheltering my kid because I don't let him wander non-child proofed homes or play with their pets unsupervised. It just really upsets me to have my parents flat out criticize my parenting. It is it wrong for me to expect the courtesy of a non violent tv show while we're visiting? I'm not asking that he watch an actual kid show like Daniel Tiger.
I think asking to turn the TV is reasonable. I am constantly telling my husband to turn the TV because D is watching it. The other day was batman with the scene where the hospital blows up; totally not appropriate. At that age, they have less reasoning of what is really or fake. He will eventually see it, but he will be older and able to deal with it better. He may not say anything at this age. I remember watching a scary movie about spiders as a kid and it really scared me. I didn't tell anyone.
This would have bothered me. The only " adult " TV I am okay with DS watching is " Love it or List it " though LOL!
I am pretty sure my Dad watched John Wayne movies with me in the room all the time, but that doesn't mean I want my kid exposed to gun violence on TV. He doesn't know what a gun is at 3 and I am hoping to keep it that way as long as possible.
This would have bothered me. The only " adult " TV I am okay with DS watching is " Love it or List it " though LOL!
I am pretty sure my Dad watched John Wayne movies with me in the room all the time, but that doesn't mean I want my kid exposed to gun violence on TV. He doesn't know what a gun is at 3 and I am hoping to keep it that way as long as possible.
Yes, this exactly. I will do everything in my power to protect his childhood innocence. He's a sensitive kid, he gets upset when he sees a friend get hurt on the playground, I'm not about to let him watch violence on tv.
suzubell - we do normally go for a walk or distract. My dad's comment just pushed my buttons this time. I couldn't believe he was being so stubborn & argumentative about a show he's seen dozens of times & was only half watching. Even when I told him that his comment was uncalled for he just kept right on harping on it.
This would have bothered me. The only " adult " TV I am okay with DS watching is " Love it or List it " though LOL!
I am pretty sure my Dad watched John Wayne movies with me in the room all the time, but that doesn't mean I want my kid exposed to gun violence on TV. He doesn't know what a gun is at 3 and I am hoping to keep it that way as long as possible.
Yes, this exactly. I will do everything in my power to protect his childhood innocence. He's a sensitive kid, he gets upset when he sees a friend get hurt on the playground, I'm not about to let him watch violence on tv.
suzubell - we do normally go for a walk or distract. My dad's comment just pushed my buttons this time. I couldn't believe he was being so stubborn & argumentative about a show he's seen dozens of times & was only half watching. Even when I told him that his comment was uncalled for he just kept right on harping on it.
I would think about moving visits with him to a neutral location like the mall with a play area and food court, or a lunch spot near the playground. Just tell him that DS gets antsy when he can't get up and run around.
Post by scribellesam on Jan 26, 2015 10:55:05 GMT -5
I make DH change the channel if he's watching something violent when DS1 is awake, and I've done the same with FIL during our visits. They're just little kids, DS1 was upset by Monsters Inc for crying out loud. Much too young to be able to understand pretend fighting or violence in a movie IMO. I'm on your side, and I'd remove my child from the situation.
Post by Ashley&Scott on Jan 26, 2015 10:56:46 GMT -5
@savestheday - a neutral location is a nice idea but unfortunately won't work. My dad had MS, the disease has progressed so much that he's bedridden. If we want to see him we have to go to him at the nursing home.
We do use the park or just playing outside with other family members, it works well.
I would not change the channel on someone elses tv, that's rude. I would have asked if he would change it, and if said no, I would have taken my kid to another room.
@savestheday - a neutral location is a nice idea but unfortunately won't work. My dad had MS, the disease has progressed so much that he's bedridden. If we want to see him we have to go to him at the nursing home.
We do use the park or just playing outside with other family members, it works well.
Ahhh.. see this is why I think your dad is so defensive about his TV watching. He is bedridden so it is maybe all he has right now. He probally was execerting control on that area because that is the only part of his life he really HAS control in.
In this case next time, maybe have your H take your DS for a walk to the snack machine when stuff like this happens. Or bring a movie your dad watched with you when you were a kid ( like ET or something) and some snacks and make it a family movie time. Let him know in advance you want to share the special movies and shows you watched as a kid with DS together? It sounds corny but I bet it would make him feel proud that you are handing down something he loved to your son.
Maybe the same could work with books he read you. Or old pictures eventually.
I think I would just have said "well, either you change the TV to something more age appropriate or we will leave. This will be our policy for visiting you from now on. If you don't want us to visit under these rules, we won't visit at all."
I may also suggest that if TV programming is more important than visiting with family, I just will stop visiting. Because it's one thing to leave the TV on for background noise, but if you are bummed out to miss a scene, then you are too invested in the TV.
This is pretty much why we left. I don't know if my dad realizes that or not. We didn't storm out or anything but we did say I think it's time for us to go. We said our goodbyes & left. We haven't spoken since (which isn't unusual, we typically talk ever few days)
Like I mentioned in a response above, my dad has Multiple Sclerosis. The disease has left him almost completely paralyzed. He's confined to his bed & tv is pretty much his only lifeline. I get why he's clinging to the control over it, he can't really control anything else about his life. I also understand that he got mad when I changed it because he physically can not change it back himself. But still as a 52yo I expect him to be respectful of his young grandchildren & not watch violent shows while we're visiting. I would love for him to turn off the tv completely but I haven't asked that of him.
@savestheday - a neutral location is a nice idea but unfortunately won't work. My dad had MS, the disease has progressed so much that he's bedridden. If we want to see him we have to go to him at the nursing home.
We do use the park or just playing outside with other family members, it works well.
Ahhh.. see this is why I think your dad is so defensive about his TV watching. He is bedridden so it is maybe all he has right now. He probally was execerting control on that area because that is the only part of his life he really HAS control in.
In this case next time, maybe have your H take your DS for a walk to the snack machine when stuff like this happens. Or bring a movie your dad watched with you when you were a kid ( like ET or something) and some snacks and make it a family movie time. Let him know in advance you want to share the special movies and shows you watched as a kid with DS together? It sounds corny but I bet it would make him feel proud that you are handing down something he loved to your son.
Maybe the same could work with books he read you. Or old pictures eventually.
This is a really great idea. Find a movie that your dad might be excited about sharing with DS. Something nostalgic that you would be OK with DS watching.
When I'm making a parenting choice for my family that isn't going to be understood by others, I don't explain. So I wouldn't go into explanations of how it might scare him or he might act out John Wayne in play later.
That said, I would have had DH take DS for a walk and cut my visit short because it's rude to change the channel on a TV that isn't yours.
I agree with L. This would not be something I'd consider worth going to bat over with a grandparent in a nursing home suffering from MS. Now, I don't know the back story with your Dad so that may change my response but with the information I have, I'd either distract the kids or leave the room for a few. It's just not something important enough (to me) to tarnish the time spent visiting at this point.
@savestheday - a neutral location is a nice idea but unfortunately won't work. My dad had MS, the disease has progressed so much that he's bedridden. If we want to see him we have to go to him at the nursing home.
We do use the park or just playing outside with other family members, it works well.
See...I'd have total empathy for my parent in this scenerio. Maybe there is a backstory but yeah, with my Dad basically dying I think I'd get over it.
Do you really think I would be petty quarreling with my dad if he was on his death bed? He's in a nursing home, where he has lived for 3 years, he's not in hospice.
But you are right, in the grand scheme of things this is petty & not a hill to die on. I will do the distraction/go for a walk in the future instead of changing the show. And also tell my dad that I would appreciate it if he could watch non violent shows when we're visiting.
given his medical condition this would not be my hill to die on.
but i understand how all the comments about your parenting style compound and it blows up in one scenario that otherwise wouldn't be worth a second thought.
Post by Velar Fricative on Jan 26, 2015 11:27:27 GMT -5
I would be upset in the sense that it would make me sad that my father would rather keep watching his movies while his family visits him, but OTOH I would feel sympathy for him and expect that this is just his dependable form of entertainment while living in a nursing home and may hold onto it tightly even when he has visitors. I would definitely ask him if he could change the channel but ultimately if he does not change it I would just take my kid out for a short walk and then return (or not return if the movie is just one nonstop fight scene). But I think you are also well within your rights to be angry about his comments about your parenting. It just sounds like such a complex situation and I'm sorry you're dealing with these issues.
Post by Ashley&Scott on Jan 26, 2015 11:33:10 GMT -5
@barefootbarista - you're right MS does affect cognition too. For the most part he's been fine mentally but there are instances where I question his judgement. Thanks for reminding me that this could be more the disease talking than him. I really look up to my dad so it felt like a slap in the face when he started arguing with me about my parenting choices.
If my child was upset, I would take him for a walk (or have my spouse do so), but otherwise, I would let it go. I don't think limited minimal exposure to TV violence is worth upsetting an ill parent over. But I admittedly let my kids watch some stuff like super hero movies that have violence in them, and while I would not have let my oldest watch that kind of thing at 3, my younger kids end up with some exposure at younger ages by default.
Disagreeing with parenting approaches/styles is totally normal - especially between generations. Add to it a loss a loss of control over your health and space (living in a nursing home) and general annoyance about other people bossing you around - and you've got a great recipe for a fight.
Don't expect your family to support you in your parenting and you'll be less annoyed and bullet proof to their comments.
"Yes, I am very "over protective" and no, I am changing. Mmm thanks."
I would be frustrated by the TV as well, but that's covered by PPs. I just wanted to say I can empathize with the breezy stuff. I'm actually pretty easy, but my sister and BIL are always teasing me, and saying that I baby DS. For things as mundane and common place today as having a video monitor. I understand they didn't really exist 13 years ago when her first was a baby, and their house was so tiny that they didn't even have a sound monitor, but STFU about it already.
Love of my life baby boy born 11/11. One and done not by choice; 3 years of TTC yielded 4 MMC and 2 CPs, through 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs. Focusing on making the world a better place instead...and running.
Yes, that would upset me. My dad is also obsessed with TV, it's ALWAYS ON at their house. It's just background noise, but when I'm there visiting with them, I want to talk with them KWIM. Not watch some random show. And I especially don't want DS watching his old war movies or James Bond or a western, which is what my dad often has on. So I tell him to turn it off. I decided to ignore his huffy attitude. He *should* want to spend time with his grandson, not watch TV.
I think asking for a channel change during a fight scene is more than reasonable. Especially if you warned your dad ahead of time. I would just ignore his comments. He's not the parent, you are. I am sorry he was rude to you, that sucks and was unfair.