Hypothetical marriage question/advice

[notreallyirish]

Okay, so I'm not going to get into the basis for this but here's a hypothetical situation for you. You've been married for several years, you have young kids. You and your husband get along okay, but you realize you are not in love with him, haven't been for years, you are not attracted to him, you have little in common outside your shared history and family, you don't really enjoy spending time alone with him and dread having sex because you're just not into it. Obviously counseling is in order, maybe some time alone together to see if something can possibly be rekindled. Beyond that, would you break up a marriage and family just because you are sad and not in love even though you get along okay and coparent well? Is the potential to meet other people worth being alone?

Edit: and is it worth the obvious emotional turmoil for the whole family ?

[Kcthepouchh8r]

I would try marriage counseling first but honestly that sounds like the point of no return. I've been through rocky points in my relationship but never anything to that degree. I would not stay in a loveless marriage. That is incredibly damaging to children.

[penguingrrl]

I would go into counseling, both individual and couples, before making any decisions. But I do think life is to short to be in a loveless marriage. If I gave it a very good shot with counseling and time (because having very young kids can dampen an otherwise amazing marriage) then I wouldn't hang on and stay married just for the kids. I think that's far worse on the kids than having two happy parents.

[dizzycooks]

I think there's a big difference between not 'in love' and not loving someone. Which is also different that disliking someone. Would I stay? Eh, probably, if there was abuse or some other awful thing happening that's a different story.  If things were just 'meh', I'd probably go with it and do what I can to help the situation and be happy. I'm kind of like that though and would totally not judge anyone who's tried to fix things/make them better, but ultimately chooses to leave. How does the other half feel about this? If it were mutual I think that would be a way different scenario.

[Kcthepouchh8r]

I also don't think it would have anything to do with finding another partner. Children learn by what we do far more than what we say. Would I want my children to stay in a loveless marriage? Nope.

[goillini823]

I would try counseling for sure, but if nothing changes I wouldn't stay in a marriage I'm not happy in. Life is way to short not to be happy.

[cna]

Once you have made yourself absolutely positive that you are not happy in your marriage I wouldn't fault you for walking away. You deserve a truly happy, loving, fulfilling relationship and you won't be doing anyone any favors by forcing yourself to stay in a marriage that isn't making you feel any of those things.

[andrewsgal]

I agree with I would try counseling first but if that doesn't work I would leave. Life is too short to be in a love less marriage

[NandaB]

If I didn't love my husband, didn't enjoy his company and dreaded having sex with him I would first try couples counseling to see if those feelings were just a manifestation of fixable issues. If not, if I REALLY didn't like him I would absolutely get divorced. I would hope that we could coparent successfully, but staying together "for the kids" can be more harmful than an amicable divorce, especially if your kids can see that you aren't happy (and they can(

[NandaB]

Or what they said

[Deleted]

I'd try individual and couples counseling. It's not the anecdote for all marital troubles, but it can help.

If both parties are willing to work on the marriage and want to try and rekindle the "spark," I'd also try maybe more date nights, or a taking a dance or cooking class together, or maybe a weekend away together.

But if things don't change... I don't think I'd stay. Kids sense things.... they'd eventually pick up on your unhappiness (general "you").

[cna]

Also, trust me when I say I know how scary it is to think about ending your marriage. I totally get that feeling. Just remember that this is about your happiness and you cannot be completely happy if you are truly unhappy in your marriage.

[lala]

Not being "in love" doesn't mean it's loveless to me. Marriages aren't going to feel the way it did when you were initially dating. Just like it won't feel the same with young kids as it did when you were first married. My biggest worry here is not enjoying the alone time with each other and maybe not feeling attracted. I mean, lots of women w/ young kids might dread sex - b/c they're touched out, exhausted, etc. I know I am. But for me it has nothing to do w/ my husband. I know for others that's not the case.

I do agree that life is short and spending years or decades miserable or "doing it for the kids," is a bad idea. But, for the situation described, I would be concerned it was more of a season in the marriage - a low spot - than it actually being over. I would absolutely discuss this at length w/ my partner & do some serious counseling - not just a few visits.

[chatterbox]

What Nandab said. If I loved him enough and was attracted to him enough to marry him, I would want to see if there was a way to get those feelings back before I gave up.

[Deleted]

Pretty much what pp's said. I would absolutely try counseling because marriage ebbs and flows in terms of happiness, satisfaction, stress levels and so on. Having small children can be such a drain and depending on other family factors, it is hard to say sometimes if a feeling of being out of love is really just a symptom of stress and other problems taking a toll on your marriage. That being said, I would fully explore counseling and only if I was sure the dissatisfaction and lack of happiness was truly caused by the actual relationship, then I think it's time to consider ending things. Children totally sense when their parents aren't truly happy and it is hard on them.

[beantrees]

Jan 27, 2015 11:18:22 GMT -5 lala said:

Not being "in love" doesn't mean it's loveless to me. Marriages aren't going to feel the way it did when you were initially dating. Just like it won't feel the same with young kids as it did when you were first married. My biggest worry here is not enjoying the alone time with each other and maybe not feeling attracted. I mean, lots of women w/ young kids might dread sex - b/c they're touched out, exhausted, etc. I know I am. But for me it has nothing to do w/ my husband. I know for others that's not the case.

I do agree that life is short and spending years or decades miserable or "doing it for the kids," is a bad idea. But, for the situation described, I would be concerned it was more of a season in the marriage - a low spot - than it actually being over. I would absolutely discuss this at length w/ my partner & do some serious counseling - not just a few visits.

Exactly this. Lala is a word wizard.

[cna]

Jan 27, 2015 11:18:22 GMT -5 lala said:

Not being "in love" doesn't mean it's loveless to me. Marriages aren't going to feel the way it did when you were initially dating. Just like it won't feel the same with young kids as it did when you were first married. My biggest worry here is not enjoying the alone time with each other and maybe not feeling attracted. I mean, lots of women w/ young kids might dread sex - b/c they're touched out, exhausted, etc. I know I am. But for me it has nothing to do w/ my husband. I know for others that's not the case.

I do agree that life is short and spending years or decades miserable or "doing it for the kids," is a bad idea. But, for the situation described, I would be concerned it was more of a season in the marriage - a low spot - than it actually being over. I would absolutely discuss this at length w/ my partner & do some serious counseling - not just a few visits.

Well, that's why we're all telling her to make sure she really isn't happy in her marriage before she walks away. I would never tell someone to just call it quits all willy nilly like that.

[minismama]

Jan 27, 2015 11:18:22 GMT -5 lala said:

Not being "in love" doesn't mean it's loveless to me.

This.  A lot of the best marriages I know are built on people who are best friends.  Not because they have wild, passionate sex at 60.  They decided to build a life together.  Not being "in love" to me doesn't warrant breaking up a marriage.  Being absolutely miserable is a different story. 
There are a lot of factors that can be contributing to why this person feels like this and a lot can be fixed with therapy, date nights, alone time, vacation, talking.  In my opinion if you loved a person so much to marry them and have children with them, and nothing has changed with that person or yourself, you probably just need to re-kindle the feeling.  Many relationships fall out of touch because of life's stresses, work, kids, bills etc.  Marriage is a full time job. 

[nowa]

Totally agree with everything Lala said (assuming no abuse). But also, sometimes you just know it's not fixable. You have to be honest with yourself.

[momin2013]

Every situation is so very different, that there's no one size fits all answer for this. Sometimes couseling or improved communication might be able to fix things so everyone is happy, other times, you just "know" that it isn't going to work, in which case I think it's best for everyone to go your separate ways.

Short answer: Life is too short to be "meh".

[NandaB]

Also, if my hypothetical partner didn't particularly like spending time with me, didn't love me, and dreaded having sex with me I wouldn't want to stay married to them either.

[nowa]

Now if you decide it's not fixable and both want to divorce, continue to live together and co-parent but date other people.... I don't know it's an option....

[nowa]

Jan 27, 2015 12:00:42 GMT -5 runningfish said:

Jan 27, 2015 11:57:00 GMT -5 nowa said:

Now if you decide it's not fixable and both want to divorce, continue to live together and co-parent but date other people.... I don't know it's an option....

What?

Haha... I mean it could work for some people. Why not? I don't know that *I'd* do it but if otherwise you have a good relationship but just not in love anymore, could work.

[Kcthepouchh8r]

Jan 27, 2015 11:18:22 GMT -5 lala said:

Not being "in love" doesn't mean it's loveless to me. Marriages aren't going to feel the way it did when you were initially dating. Just like it won't feel the same with young kids as it did when you were first married. My biggest worry here is not enjoying the alone time with each other and maybe not feeling attracted. I mean, lots of women w/ young kids might dread sex - b/c they're touched out, exhausted, etc. I know I am. But for me it has nothing to do w/ my husband. I know for others that's not the case.

I do agree that life is short and spending years or decades miserable or "doing it for the kids," is a bad idea. But, for the situation described, I would be concerned it was more of a season in the marriage - a low spot - than it actually being over. I would absolutely discuss this at length w/ my partner & do some serious counseling - not just a few visits.

I respectfully disagree. I'm still very much in love with my husband. It might not be as crazy and passionate as pre-kid life but the love is still there even if it's evolved over time. What is described sounds like two roommates tolerating each other than an actual marriage. I understand being tired and wanting some alone time at night. I can't say we get it on every night but I am still physically attracted to my husband and enjoy it. Low spots are absolutely nothing like what described above.

[Deleted]

Like a few others said, if the spark was just gone but you get along, coparent well, are friends...I would try counseling (and some soul searching) to figure out what you each can do to make the marriage work.

Lots of things can get in the way, especially after kids...marriage takes work sometimes more than others and it's easy for it to become a staple in your life instead of an active relationship.

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2015 12:03:15 GMT -5 nowa said:

Jan 27, 2015 12:00:42 GMT -5 runningfish said:

What?

Haha... I mean it could work for some people. Why not? I don't know that *I'd* do it but if otherwise you have a good relationship but just not in love anymore, could work.

I have heard of this. Also, some people opt to not divorce and have an open marriage. Can't say I would do either, but it works for some people.

[Kcthepouchh8r]

Jan 27, 2015 12:03:15 GMT -5 nowa said:

Jan 27, 2015 12:00:42 GMT -5 runningfish said:

What?

Haha... I mean it could work for some people. Why not? I don't know that *I'd* do it but if otherwise you have a good relationship but just not in love anymore, could work.

I know a couple who thought this was a great idea. The kids knew, it was a source of embarrassment for them even as Middle School aged kids, they wished they would divorce and none of them have found semblance of a healthy relationship in adult life. I doubt this works even 10% of the time.

[lala]

Jan 27, 2015 12:08:31 GMT -5 Kcthepouchh8r said:

Jan 27, 2015 12:03:15 GMT -5 nowa said:

Haha... I mean it could work for some people. Why not? I don't know that *I'd* do it but if otherwise you have a good relationship but just not in love anymore, could work.

I know a couple who thought this was a great idea. The kids knew, it was a source of embarrassment for them even as Middle School aged kids, they wished they would divorce and none of them have found semblance of a healthy relationship in adult life. I doubt this works even 10% of the time.

I had a friend in high school whose parents did it. We are all so confused when we hung out there. His mom had the upstairs & his dad had the basement (2 rooms & bathroom). Shared kitchen. I guess it worked for them and they were fine. 

[quesyrah]

I think it's always worth a shot to go to counseling and try to work on your marriage. Once you've determined it's not a relationship you can/want to stay in, I wouldn't fail anyone for leaving.

I don't know a single person who took divorce lightly and didn't first try to work it out. I don't really agree with deciding it's over before even discussing it with your spouse and giving them a chance to work on it with you though

[scattered]

I'm torn on this. Is there love there, just not passionate, intimate love? I'd have a hard time leaving and disrupting my family because I wasn't "in love" with but still loved my husband. Hmmmm, definitely lots to think about.