SAHMs, how do you handle being ill?

[redheadk]

How do you and your partner handle it when you are sick?

Currently, we handle it by having my just tough it out no matter how sick I am. Vomiting, other GI issues, anything, I just have to suck it up, no matter how miserable it is. Meanwhile, DH will feel a bit off and decide to SAH for the day and WFM and nap all day while I go about our usual business as if he's not here.

Frankly, it pisses me off. I have been battling a severe sinus headache for almost a week. If he would have agreed to take charge of DD when it was first starting so that I could have a sick day, it wouldn't have gotten nearly so bad based on past experience (I get them a few times a year). Instead, I had to proceed as usual, caring for DD, grocery shopping because we were out of everything, cooking meals, cleaning the kitchen, bath and bedtime on my nights, etc. all while feeling extremely nauseated from the pain and like lights and loud noises are going to make me pass out. I fully acknowledge that part of this is my fault though I have tried to take it easy, meaning DD has spent a lot of time at home watching tv while I lay comatose on the couch. 

Today, DH is home from work because he has some congestion. He slept in until 10am then got up to shower and is now on a call. 

If I ever suggest he stay home because I'm sick, he can't because he's "too busy at work" yet whenever he feels less than 100%, he has no trouble being able to stay home with no notice. 

Not going in is not an issue with his employer as he owns his company and they also allow unlimited time off so long as people get their work done, so being allowed to take a day when I'm sick is a nonissue. This is purely a DH choice issue.

Seriously, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

[redheadk]

And if you think I'm being overdramatic and I'm in the wrong, that's fine. I might be. I'm mostly just annoyed that he "can't" when it's me but it's nbd when it's him.

[karinothing]

I am not a SAHM, but I am going to give you sympathy. I would like to think that if I was a SAHM and I felt sick that DH would take time off work and take care of the kids so I could rest and get better. In fact, I am pretty sure he would have to do that or I would punch him in the balls.

Anyway, I am just sorry. I don't think this is fair to you.

[Deleted]

If I asked him to, DH would take a day. I'd have to be pretty sick to do that, though, as I know that calling in a sub is a lot of work for him and accomplishes nothing for his classes.

In your DH's case, I'd say it's come-to-Jesus talk time. If he won't cover you for a sick day once in a while, then I guess it's worth finding someone you can pay to do it so you don't kill him. Is that a possibility? I know it's not easy to come by. MIL was probably my backup more than DH, but it didn't come up much in the 2 years I was home.

[UnderProtest]

My husband does pretty much the same thing when I'm sick. I will say he rarely, if ever, takes a sick day. I have gotten better about just handing over the kids when he gets home.

[scribellesam]

This is so frustrating and we struggle with it too. A week or so ago, DH and I came down with the exact same stomach bug. I caught it first. After I was up all night with vomiting and diarrhea, he at first acted like he would go into work at his normal time. Eventually, he went in two hours' late once I had stabilized and was mostly capable of keeping the kids alive. He said he'd try to come home early, but when I called him to see when he'd be leaving, he asked if he could stay late to make up for going in late. Only after I started crying on the phone did he agree to come home at his normal time.

When he got the exact same illness two days later, he went straight to bed and stayed there for 16 hours until he felt better while I solo parented. I admit my thoughts were mostly "Must fucking be nice DH!"

So I don't know the solution, but I totally get where you're coming from.

[redheadbaker]

Jan 27, 2015 11:25:26 GMT -5 redheadk said:

And if you think I'm being overdramatic and I'm in the wrong, that's fine. I might be. I'm mostly just annoyed that he "can't" when it's me but it's nbd when it's him.

I don't think you're being overdramatic at all. I had the same fight with FI during DS' first year. It never really got resolved, since I went back to work when DS was 16 months old. 

[hilwithonelary]

I generally try to tough it out, but there have been a few times when it was bad enough I asked DH to stay home. He's always stayed when I've asked. He even cancelled a flight one time.

I don't think it's fair that you can never take a sick day. Have you guys ever talked about this topic outside of during an illness? I think it would help to discuss it when both of you are healthy.

[barefootcontessa]

I would be annoyed if I were you, mostly because he is not too busy to take off when he is sick (but not overwhelmingly so) and then flat out refuses when you ask him. My DH does what can when I am really ill or like when my back was out and could not move. He will go to the store, get take-out, etc. also. If he cannot be home then I keep the kids in the room with me and let them watch tv and eat crackers.

[kershnic]

Yeah, I would be seriously pissed in the situation you describe.

I'm only very temporarily home (have been for 2.5 months, will be for the next 7 months) and haven't needed it yet, but if I was feeling really sick I would expect my wife to call out sick and stay home. I mean, if it was the day of an important meeting or something I'd have to be *really* sick to force it, but most days it's not that big of a deal. She knows this is the expectation.

Does he know you feel this way? Not just the complaining morning of, but a rational conversation generally about why you think this is an unfair set up and how hard it is to care for a child when you're sick? I agree with the suggestion to explore hiring someone to help if he really won't come around. But given how flexible his job is, hopefully he'll see that as an obvious waste of money and get it.

[Willis Jackson]

I would be pissed if I were you.

[shell24]

I call my mommy

I would be aggravated at your H too. You have every right to be upset and I would sit down and have a discussion about it. Is it in your budget to hire someone if he won't stay home?

[annieh22]

If I am that sick, H takes a day or at least part of a day. He knows that if I ask, then I truly can't function. (Like when I had influenza). Trade off is that he never has to take a day off to stay with sick kids.

I think you need to make it clear that you need him. Not just want him to come home, but that it is serious and you cannot take care of the kiddo with how sick you are. It's not just a cold, kwim?

[penguingrrl]

That's really frustrating. My husband goes to work unless he's genuinely too sick to get out of bed. And we're both minimizers with illness, so if he says he's too sick it's no joke. The one time I truly needed him to stay home he gave me a really hard time about it. Then I went to the doctor and was so unstable I was sent to the hospital via ambulance, so he felt awful.

His job isn't one that can entirely be done from home, so it's not entirely optional that he doesn't take off. He's a college professor, so he needs to be there to give his lectures.

[litasail]

That would make me very, very angry.

[212]

Same boat (but my H rarely gets sick-- he's like, superfuckinghuman or some shit). It's bad. I try to suck it up, but if I'm really sick, I call in babysitters slash beg my part-time nanny for more hours that week. If I'm insanely sick, I call my mum and she will come help (but she's 4 hours away so I have to be non-functional to make that call).

(Hugs)

[IrishBelle]

I'd be pissed. If your DH can't take off, can he at least take over when he gets home. The minute he walked in the door, I'd be handing off the kids and going to bed. He could handle dinner, clean up and bed/bath routine.

When I was home on my maternity leave with DD2, I got strep so bad that DH had to stay home and help me. DD was about 5 months at the time. I do work full-time now but DH does take time off when DDs are sick.

[ECB]

Jan 27, 2015 11:23:48 GMT -5 redheadk said:

If I ever suggest he stay home because I'm sick, he can't because he's "too busy at work" yet whenever he feels less than 100%, he has no trouble being able to stay home with no notice. 

This is where you got me.  I mean, you had me already, but this pushed me over the line.

I agree- it's a Come to Jesus talk time.  He needs to understand that you need to rest.  You aren't 100% AND also, if you never get a chance to really rest, you'll be sick even longer, probably.

He needs to step up here and stay home when you're sick. OR agree to paying for back up care.

[mainelyfoolish]

I don't ask for mild to moderate illnesses, but if I am sick enough that I can't effective care for a child, my DH stays home from work. Having an incapacitated caregiver isn't an inconvenience, it's a safety issue.

Last year I was struck suddenly with an intestinal illness while shopping with DS at BJ's. (DH had already had the illness, I thought I had been spared.) I felt like I was going to pass out and was unsafe to drive home. I called DH at work and he took to rest of the day off to pick me and DS up and take us home. (He and his dad went back to get my car the next day.)

[MadamePresident]

I haven't been that sick in years, I know my husband would stay home if I ask him to.

[Deleted]

I do think you need to make a bigger deal out of being sick, rather than carrying on:
caring for DD: yes
grocery shopping because we were out of everything: nope. Tell DH to do it and order a pizza.
cooking meals: nope
cleaning the kitchen: nope
bath and bedtime on my nights: nope nope nope

If you feel like crap, do the bare minimum and stop covering his ass. Force him to step it up.

[rubyturpin]

Why are you still doing all that stuff in the evenings? DH has limited sick/vacation days so if I'm sick he may go in late to let me sleep longer, but has never taken the whole day off.

However, the second he walks through the door he sends me to bed and takes care of everything for the rest of the night. Even if I just watch Netflix in bed, the rest helps me recover quicker. I think you need to clearly state your needs, and let him know that the message he's sending is that your health is not a priority for him.

[ECB]

Jan 27, 2015 11:49:01 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I do think you need to make a bigger deal out of being sick, rather than carrying on:
caring for DD: yes
grocery shopping because we were out of everything: nope. Tell DH to do it and order a pizza.
cooking meals: nope
cleaning the kitchen: nope
bath and bedtime on my nights: nope nope nope

If you feel like crap, do the bare minimum and stop covering his ass. Force him to step it up.

And this.  100% this. It's one thing to do everything you need to for DD.  But the rest of it?  Um, no.  He's not going to realize how sick you are if you keep keeping on!

STOP and then tell him tonight that you are SICK and you can't do it.  You just can't.  He's the father, he's also the other adult in your household.  He is equally as capable of going to the store, throwing together a quick dinner, and cleaning up. 

[katebeckett]

Jan 27, 2015 11:26:50 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

If I asked him to, DH would take a day. I'd have to be pretty sick to do that, though, as I know that calling in a sub is a lot of work for him and accomplishes nothing for his classes.

In your DH's case, I'd say it's come-to-Jesus talk time. If he won't cover you for a sick day once in a while, then I guess it's worth finding someone you can pay to do it so you don't kill him. Is that a possibility? I know it's not easy to come by. MIL was probably my backup more than DH, but it didn't come up much in the 2 years I was home.

H gets a ton of sick time and can take time off fairly easily. DD is only 15 months, but he's stayed home a number of times that I've been sick. He hasn't stayed home for just a cold (I also haven't had a bad one yet), but I've had mastitis and a couple of stomach bugs and he took a day or two off all of those times to help watch the baby while I recovered. Since it sounds like your DH has the time and the option I'd be pretty pissed that he's not helping you out at all.  In your case, I agree with Token's bolded.

[meij]

My H will take a sick day if I'm really sick. We figure he doesn't have to use his PTO to take off and take care of sick kids since I SAH, so he can use it when his wife is sick.

However my super power is an incredible immune system and I rarely get sick. My H gets everything. I got a stomach virus when DD was little and he was going to call in the next morning but he started puking overnight too.

[shellbear09]

I don't think you are being dramatic and I would feel the same way. I would try to talk some sense into him for sure. In your situation I would ask a friend or famliy to help out if possible and take her for the day for you. Maybe then he would realize how you do in fact need a sick day too. And if you have to suck it up then do the absolute minimum meaning he is on his own for dinner etc.

[teatimefor2]

I'm a SAHM and currently had had a sore throat for the last few days. Not ideal, but I can push through.

If I'm really sick, DH will take the day off if I ask him. This has thankfully only happened once. He never takes sick days and neither of us usually gets really sick. But if I was, he would stay home unless it was something earth shattering at work, which sometimes there are events he needs to be present at, it's just the nature of his job.

But in the end, myself and our kids come first and DH agrees and reminds me of that often.

Hugs, hope you feel better soon,

[Deleted]

In 8.5 years of parenting (and SAH) DH has only taken one full day off when I have been sick. This was last year when I had strep and tonsillitis. I had had mastitis twice in the previous weeks and he came home early (3pm-ish) and worked from home. In his defense, he doesn't get sick very often and has only stayed home 3 or 4 times that I can remember in all that time.
Even if he is working all day I will check out as soon as he gets home. I don't make dinner, I don't handle bath and bed time, I barely clean, and I leave all of that for him to do while I go to sleep as soon as he reaches the front door.
If he stayed home for every sniffle and ache I would be more annoyed but he doesn't and he is happy to pick up the slack in the evenings if I am ever sick.

[jr009j]

You're totally not being over dramatic. We struggle with the exact same thing. DH technically has a very flexible schedule but he only takes advantage of it when sick or when he doesn't feel like working. We haven't figured out a solution yet and it totally sucks.

[6fsn]

I'd be livid. If I'm not feeling well DH takes over when he's home. If I'm REALLY in bad shape he comes home, but I've only asked that once.

If it was terrible and he couldn't get out of work I'd ask a friend or a parent to help and go to the sitter as a back up.