WWYD if you don't like your friend's husband?

[Deleted]

I don't care much for one of my mom friend's husband. He's an NYPD cop who on more than one occasion has expressed racist/bigoted opinions, especially towards AAs, and especially after the whole Michael Brown, etc., incidents.

Yesterday he very loudly, in front of the kids, said that everyone was "driving like a bunch of retards."

Friend wants us to have a couples night out. MH would not like her H, and I don't like him. WWYD? Say something if he makes a comment you find offensive (which I have in the past)? Avoid a couples night out? Try a night out and maybe hope he acts differently? Something else?

[nowa]

I'd probably say something next time then depending on his response stop hanging with them. If she's married to an ass like that she probably agrees or at least implicitly supports his racism. Either way not someone I want to be friends with.

[andrewsgal]

One of my best friends husband is the worlds biggest jerk. He is a homophobic, mysogynistic asshole. We did end up leaving their house one day because he used the word retarded more than once. I did speak to her about it and basically told her. I will absolutely not let my kids be around that.

[minismama]

How good of friends are you? Is it a new mom friend? In that case I would make an excuse and plan a "mom's night out" soon.

[momin2013]

I would probably a) give the couples night one shot, in case he acts differently (although I'm betting he won't), and b) avoid letting my kids be around him as much as possible.

I know that kids are going to be exposed to all kinds of jerks in their lives, but at your DS's age in particular, I think it's still difficult to explain why things like this are right or wrong to say and have him fully understand it. At this age I'd be worried about my DS copying something he says, so I'd avoid his company while DS is there if possible.

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2015 11:41:03 GMT -5 minismama said:

How good of friends are you? Is it a new mom friend? In that case I would make an excuse and plan a "mom's night out" soon.

We've been friends for a year maybe? Her H was deployed up until August of last year, and since he works wonky hours, we do maybe 1-2 play dates a week, and occasionally a library program together. She's a nice-enough person and good company, but if we didn't have kids close in age, I don't know how likely it is we'd be friends.

[beantrees]

I would go for a night out but absolutely comment if he said anything offensive.

[Deleted]

I think what bums me out most about this is that he is in law enforcement and that is who he really is

And idk, I have friends whose husbands I don't love (but not bc they're bigoted assholes) but my friendship is just with them. Maybe just stick to your mom time and play dates and keep away from him (and of course do not have him around your DS). I would be inclined to skip the couple's date. Maybe you can tell your friend you really need a girl's night or something.

And also, andrewsgal mentioned something above that makes me wonder if your friend espouses his terrible views....that would bother me as well.

[Deleted]

@itsbritt - I had a bit of an argument with her about something he said/comments she said about 2 months ago. We didn't speak for a week afterwards and eventually she apologized. I don't think she necessarily agrees with him (or maybe she does in her own brain but is smart enough not to verbalize it), but she's definitely the more passive in the relationship.

[minismama]

Jan 27, 2015 11:45:59 GMT -5 @mrsmuq said:

Jan 27, 2015 11:41:03 GMT -5 minismama said:

How good of friends are you? Is it a new mom friend? In that case I would make an excuse and plan a "mom's night out" soon.

We've been friends for a year maybe? Her H was deployed up until August of last year, and since he works wonky hours, we do maybe 1-2 play dates a week, and occasionally a library program together. She's a nice-enough person and good company, but if we didn't have kids close in age, I don't know how likely it is we'd be friends.

I would just make an excuse for the double date and sort of blow it off whenever she says you all have to go out one night.  I have friends like that.  I wouldn't bother with confronting her about it personally, unless you were so close and spent all your time together.  But I do avoid confrontation usually.  If she is good company for you, I would just leave it at that. 

[nowa]

Jan 27, 2015 11:54:56 GMT -5 @mrsmuq said:

@itsbritt - I had a bit of an argument with her about something he said/comments she said about 2 months ago. We didn't speak for a week afterwards and eventually she apologized. I don't think she necessarily agrees with him (or maybe she does in her own brain but is smart enough not to verbalize it), but she's definitely the more passive in the relationship.

I'd def dump them both in this case. No reason to surround yourself with bigots or their apologists.

[scattered]

I think I'd just make excuses to get out of the double date and hope she gets the hint. If the friendship with her is worth pursuing, I might be hesitant to flat out say her H is a bag of dicks and you don't want to be around him. Not at first, anyway.

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2015 11:54:56 GMT -5 @mrsmuq said:

@itsbritt - I had a bit of an argument with her about something he said/comments she said about 2 months ago. We didn't speak for a week afterwards and eventually she apologized. I don't think she necessarily agrees with him (or maybe she does in her own brain but is smart enough not to verbalize it), but she's definitely the more passive in the relationship.

That's pretty sad, huh? I would have trouble with that. I'm not saying she agrees with him, but to not be assertive enough to speak up, she has some issues, clearly. That's tough, it's hard to make mom friends, I have tried hard to make friendships work and sometimes they're just not a good fit. This might be the case here, sorry

[Kcthepouchh8r]

I wouldn't hang out with him. If he wasn't around when the kids were together and she didn't speak bigoted I would hang out with her. I would tell her I wouldn't tolerate his behavior and if she chose to end the friendship that would be her call.

[sparkythelawyer]

If this were a friend I loved a bunch, I would never double date with them. I'd make sure there was at least one other couple there for a buffer so that I had someone else to talk to when this guy's douche starts acting up.

[amynumbers]

We avoid couples time with one couple at all costs. We see them in larger groups, but never just the four of us.

During a girls weekend, more than once, she has unloaded about him and I have agreed he is an asshole, while citing specific examples.

[letranger]

I would say to my husband your friend is acting like racist jerk I don't want to hang out with him.

[chatterbox]

I would probably just try to avoid the couples night out, but I hate confrontation. It really depends on how much you want to keep the friendship though. I lost my best friend when I voiced my concerns about her husband (fiancé at the time) and was really sad about it for a long time.

[cabbagecabbage]

I have a friendship that is never going to take off because I hate the husband. In my case he's homophobic and innapropriate and thinks he's Chris Farley. He will not turn off and thinks hes performing a one man show. He has even mansplained a joke to me, thinking I didn't get it. Both my H and I cannot stand him and we see him maybe twice a year at birthday parties.

In my case, I really enjoy the wife and feefeel we could have been close. She is in my book club and that's probably going to be it for our friendship.

From my experience, I probably would not go out with him. I cannot see it ending well.

[ECB]

I would not go on a couples date with them. Why involve yourself more with them? That's just a game not worth playing.

There is one family we know through the kids. Initially I thought the mom seemed nice and I thought "Hmmm.... maybe a new friend". Then I met her DH and I immediately dropped that idea. And over time and through other people - i've found out more about them and their lives - I'm even more happy I didn't become friends with HER, regardless of her DH.

In the end, your friend is married to this guy. Whether she agrees with him or is just passive, she's made her choice in life. This is who she's decided to tie herself too.

I just wouldn't get in any deeper with them than necessary.