My H treats our bedroom (and bed) likes it's his man cave/media room. He goes straight there before and after dinner and stays there all night. He sits up in bed, has the TV on, doing work on his laptop, playing on his phone, etc. And he likes to fall asleep with the TV on which is usually much later than me.
Picture me the exact opposite and you'll see our ongoing dilemma. I go to the bedroom when I'm ready to go to bed, 10:00 - quiet, dark, read my Kindle for about 10 mintues, then fall asleep.
He says the couch isn't comfortable and isn't set up where we can cuddle together and basically if I want to spend time with him I can come hang out with him in the bedroom (not in a 'come hither' kind of way).
I don't even want to go in there now when it's 10. I can't relax in that environment. So I now usually go to another room which hurts his feelings and he says he feels lonely. SERIOUSLY?!!! Well I need sleep!
We went to counseling and came up along with other stuff; the therapist told him not to go to the bedroom until bedtime. It lasted about 3 days.
So I thought, let's just get a new couch that works for you! And his reaction was hell no that couch was expensive.
I don't have any marriage advice because that sort of inability to compromise would drive me insane, but we have a Yogibo and we love it. We fight over it:
He said he'd compromise in therapy and then slid back? Might be time for a few more sessions and him exploring why he can't work on something he agreed to.
Post by aussiecrush on Jan 27, 2015 15:11:47 GMT -5
If he can't compromise it's time for the electronics to leave the bedroom. My H is the same about playing on his laptop or phone in bed later than me but he has always turned it off or whatever if I was keeping me from sleeping.
Tell him the Centers for Disease Control has this to say about proper sleep hygeine:
The promotion of regular sleep is known as sleep hygiene. The following is a list of sleep hygiene tips which can be used to improve sleep.
National Sleep Foundation recommendations: 1.Go to bed at the same time each night and rise at the same time each morning. 2.Make sure your bedroom is a quiet, dark, and relaxing environment, which is neither too hot or too cold. 3.Make sure your bed is comfortable and use it only for sleeping and not for other activities, such as reading, watching TV, or listening to music. Remove all TVs, computers, and other "gadgets" from the bedroom. 4.Avoid large meals before bedtime.
I'd take the TV out of the bedroom. And I LIKE having a TV in there - I like to lay in bed and watch a show before going to sleep. But if the TV in there means that's where he sets up shop at night, nope... outta there.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Jan 27, 2015 15:20:17 GMT -5
The more I think abut this, the more I realize how angry I'd be in your shoes. He's saying that his comfort is more important than the quality of sleep you get or how comfortable you feel in your own bedroom. I'd put it to him this way after he realizes I'd ripped the TV out of the bedroom.
Well, I'd ask him what's more important - your marriage or the money needed to buy a new couch. Because if the couch is that uncomfortable that he pretty much only uses ONE room in your house, that problem needs to be fixed.
But still - his lack of consideration for your wants and needs is pretty concerning.
I have comfy couches and even so, my bed is absolutely more comfortable. BUT I spend most of my evening in the living room. living, with my DH and DS.
Post by captainobvious on Jan 27, 2015 15:22:31 GMT -5
Why is the couch not comfortable? Is there a way to set up the couch so that it is comfortable?
I'm picturing it not being comfortable because he can't rest his laptop on his legs - would a tv tray (or something like it) help make it comfortable? That way the cost is less, but you can still, you know, actually sleep in your own bedroom.
At the end of the day, he's got to give some here, and the most logical way is by letting you sleep in the bedroom while finding other accommodations for his electronics.
Tell him, "I like to fuck here. I do not want to fuck at your work place. So if you keep working in bed, I'm going to stop fucking here. How would you like to go couch shopping on Saturday?"
I've always followed the rule that bedrooms are for sleeping and sex only. H grew up with a TV in the bedroom and I did not. We talked about this before we moved in together and I told him, no TVs in any bedrooms in our house (us and future kids). it is really important to me and luckily he agreed to it.
So i dno't have muhc advice because I agree with you. Did you say that you are actually sleeping in another room? That's crazy. I think the fact tat you want to go to sleep before him and you need quiet to sleep should trump his hanging out in the bedroom. He can hang out anywhere, but you can only sleep in your bed. If you do have anohter room, maybe set that up as a man cave for him? It doesn't solve your hanging out ttogether issue but at least you can get sleep.
This is a tough one and it says a lot to me that he's ignoring your needs regarding sleep. That's not fair and comes off as pretty selfish since he could watch TV/use his laptop anywhere. I think it is time to put your foot down and say this doesn't work, we need to fix it. If that means buying a new couch or something, just do it.
He's saying that his comfort is more important than the quality of sleep you get or how comfortable you feel in your own bedroom.
You have a house. With rooms meant for various functions. The bedroom is meant for sleep. Not hanging out all night. at a MINIMUM, when it's time for you to go to bed, he needs to go elsewhere. The primary function of the room takes precedence here.
And for him to argue any differently is him being AMAZINGLY selfish.
Post by aprilsails on Jan 27, 2015 15:27:07 GMT -5
I find it enraging that he wants you to hang out in there with him because he is lonely.
A lay-z-boy, no matter how hideous, is obviously a good investment in your marriage at this point.
I refuse to have a TV in my bedroom. DH would like one but knows it's not a hill to die on. We don't even have cable so if he wants to watch Netflix late at night he can do it on his ipad with headphones on.
Post by sunshineluv on Jan 27, 2015 15:27:29 GMT -5
How long ago was the counseling? It just seems like a problem with such a simple solution. Make another place more comfortable for him to relax in.
But it sounds like the problem is indicative of him not caring about your feelings. Oh you want to sleep, who cares, I want to watch tv and I don't want to spend money on a new couch.
The tv is an ongoing fight in our bedroom as well. I don't think I could handle it if my H set up camp in the bedroom as well. We're in therapy right now for this kind of "compromise" issue. Which isn't really a compromise to me, because TURN OFF THE F-ING TV WHEN WE"RE SLEEPING.
Also, WTF at your spouse essentially ignoring you all fucking night long? While you presumably cook and clean up and do whatever other night time chores, even as simple as locking up at night, as well as entertainment time. I change my answer to REMOVE ALL THE SCREENS FROM THE HOUSE and FUCK THAT ASSHOLE.
Tell him the Centers for Disease Control has this to say about proper sleep hygeine:
The promotion of regular sleep is known as sleep hygiene. The following is a list of sleep hygiene tips which can be used to improve sleep.
National Sleep Foundation recommendations: 1.Go to bed at the same time each night and rise at the same time each morning. 2.Make sure your bedroom is a quiet, dark, and relaxing environment, which is neither too hot or too cold. 3.Make sure your bed is comfortable and use it only for sleeping and not for other activities, such as reading, watching TV, or listening to music. Remove all TVs, computers, and other "gadgets" from the bedroom. 4.Avoid large meals before bedtime.
You will take reading in bed from me when you pry the book out of my cold, dead hands.
But, I agree with PPs, he is not compromising at all here. And he hangs out in the bedroom all night, aside from dinner? This would drive me insane. Do you get any quality time together?
I'm not going to comment on the electronics and the "no TV at bedtime" thing because I don't follow those rules - falling asleep to a movie is one of my great pleasures and I do it almost all the time. It actually helps with my anxiety, which really ramps up at bedtime when it's quiet. If I can listen to a show or movie I've seen before, it helps me quiet down my worries.
However, I did compromise because my H doesn't prefer this. He also goes to sleep quite a bit earlier than I do. Basically, I'm your husband here.
I ended up getting a pair of these sleeping headphones: www.amazon.com/AcousticSheep-SleepPhones-Classic-Headphones-Medium/dp/B0046H8ZHS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422390331&sr=8-1&keywords=sleepphones. So H and I will make dinner together, put the baby to bed together, do whatever else cleaning/working/watching a show in other parts of the house, then we go upstairs when he is ready to go to sleep. We do 10-minute massages almost every night, then we turn the lights off and sound machine on. Then I stay up and read or watch whatever I want (with headphones) on my iPad. There's some light from it, but it doesn't bother him.
I know this is a bit more of a compromise for you, too, than others are suggesting ... but maybe something like that could work?
You would not believe the lengths I have gone to make this work; let me emphasize ME - I made efforts: ear plugs, eye patch, white noise with earbuds, I bought him those LG bluetooth wireless earbuds so HE could use them to watch TV.
When we moved here I tried so hard to prevent the TV in the bedroom but he installed a large flat screen. I think the couch is an excuse. He wants to be there and he's not willing to compromise. We have large TVs in 2 other rooms in our house and he chooses the bedroom - the other room is "too far".
He's a jerk. And I'm married to a jerk. Great. On a good note I have my first solo therapy session next week.