The more I think about this - I think his flagrant dismissal of both what YOU want and what the therapist told him to do may be somewhat telling. He just doesn't give a shit and isn't willing to make the necessary steps to help your marriage.
Post by jeaniebueller on Jan 27, 2015 15:45:05 GMT -5
Do you guys have other bedrooms? Can't he just set up shop in a different room? Obvs sounds like there is a lot more going on then this particular issue. Sorry he is treating you that way.
We have large TVs in 2 other rooms in our house and he chooses the bedroom - the other room is "too far".
So, this is cynical and crass but it's what went through my head when I read this sentence. I hope you take it in the vein that it is meant (as in, I can be a cynical ass sometimes). But what I thought was:
"Well, good. when you divorce his ass, he may only be able to afford a studio apartment. That will be PERFECT for him, apparently".
ETA sorry hit send too soon. I would just tell him that's too bad if he feels lonely. Sorry dude. Not that that helps in the long term but I can't sleep with all that crap going on and sleep trumps the need to dick around with electronics.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Jan 27, 2015 16:01:44 GMT -5
You said that "other stuff" came up in therapy. Take a long look at him and the way he treats you in other aspects of life; is this behavior with the bedroom part of a larger pattern of you compromising and him getting what he wants?
We have large TVs in 2 other rooms in our house and he chooses the bedroom - the other room is "too far".
So, this is cynical and crass but it's what went through my head when I read this sentence. I hope you take it in the vein that it is meant (as in, I can be a cynical ass sometimes). But what I thought was:
"Well, good. when you divorce his ass, he may only be able to afford a studio apartment. That will be PERFECT for him, apparently".
EXACT SAME THINKING! I was seriously- "Oh, then the loft above his parent's garage will be just perfect!" Seriously, OP. Something is wrong with him to act like a lazy uninvolved bum during his waking hours in your home This is not about TV while you sleep, well not just about that. I wish you much luck in your therapy session & hope you realize you deserve so much better than what you're getting out of your spouse right now.
When he is out of the house, take down the TV in the bedroom, put it in the hallway, put his clothes out there, put the old bed in the living room, and go revel in your new bedroom bliss.
For real, though, he sounds incredibly selfish and unable to see what is really happening here. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you're taking some good steps with therapy.
Post by usuallylurking on Jan 27, 2015 16:59:32 GMT -5
I think the TV in the bedroom needs to have an unfortunate accident. Like an extremely localized earthquake. Or a completely random burglary where all they took were the cords.
I dunno. This is weird. Like, if the other rooms are "too far away," why wouldn't he prefer being in the living room, which is presumably closer to the kitchen/dining/wherever you spend your evenings while he's in his bedroom cave.
Not that you should have to, but can you sleep in the guest room? Buy a new bed for the other room so you are comfortable. Your husband sounds very inconsiderate. Sorry!
Do you ask him to do other things to hang out with you?
What would he say if you asked him if he wanted to cook together or play cards or watch silly youtube videos in the living room? Does he refuse to watch any shows with you in another room?
I guess I wouldn't necessarily be mad if he liked watching tv in the bedroom over the living room if it's more comfortable, but if he won't compromise to hang out with you at all, then clearly that needs to be addressed.
Post by marylennox on Jan 27, 2015 19:39:21 GMT -5
I would rearrange the setup so he has to hang out somewhere else. Build him a man cave out of another room in the house, move the tv out of the bedroom, etc. How frustrating. He should compromise here.
I'd put the comfortable bed in another room and tell him if he is lonely he is welcome to join you after he is done with his stuff. If you are already asleep - not your problem. And he can keep all his stuff in the newly renamed office.
We've had a similar issue before. IMO you don't mess with sleep and you both need to support the other when it comes to getting sleep. I HAVE to have some quiet time before I fall asleep and that is very hard for my H, but after many discussions he respects that. Your H needs to respect you. He needs to find another TV to watch.
Yes, couples therapy sessions fizzled out after that. I think we only went 3-4 times so there wasn't much follow up and of course we fell back into the same rut & patterns.
I'm scheduled to see someone (therapist) next week on my own. Yes, there's more to this but from my perspective I have resentment because he's selfish and I don't feel like he respects me as an equal partner or that he's fully invested in this. But I need help with self-confidence and standing up for myself and not allowing this.
He actually met with someone today; he went on his own accord. I'm really happy about this and can't wait to hear from him how it went and get a sense if he'll continue and what he's hoping to get from it.
But I'm not sure about separate therapies; I just picture him saying "she won't sleep in the same bed with me...." without giving the full picture. But I guess this is a start. I'd really like to do both individual AND couples therapy but 3 different therapists sounds like a lot of overlap. I'm not sure how this works.
Do you ask him to do other things to hang out with you?
What would he say if you asked him if he wanted to cook together or play cards or watch silly youtube videos in the living room? Does he refuse to watch any shows with you in another room?
I guess I wouldn't necessarily be mad if he liked watching tv in the bedroom over the living room if it's more comfortable, but if he won't compromise to hang out with you at all, then clearly that needs to be addressed.
This is tough because yeah, if I ask him to do something specific he'll usually "play along" but it just feels forced if that makes sense. We have a few shows we watch together so that's good but sometimes I just want him around, nearby, while I'm doing busywork stuff in the kitchen or whatever. He just doesn't feel present and it feels like he's escaping when he camps out upstairs in the bedroom.
I hate to do the typical ML "he must be cheating!" thing, but seriously there is something going on here. Or does he play video games (with other people)? I can't imagine why he'd want to just mess around online in a separate room from you all night. That doesn't sound like a relationship at all...when do you actually spend time together?
Full disclosure (so I'm coming from a biased perspective), my XH cheated on me mostly through FB and text messages. He would spend hours on the computer playing games and apparently messaging the other woman. That could be totally off base, but I think his behavior is suspicious, especially if its not something he's been doing all along in the relationship.
I'm really thinking about pimping out the guest room (aka my room); it's currently the typical stale guest bedroom. My passive aggressive self thinks this would send a clear message that I'm fine with this being a permanent setup if he chooses it.
I'm really thinking about pimping out the guest room (aka my room); it's currently the typical stale guest bedroom. My passive aggressive self thinks this would send a clear message that I'm fine with this being a permanent setup if he chooses it.
Are you okay living like that for the rest of your life?