@ Defending My Daughter's Special Diet

[msmerymac]

aka Mommy Wars in 3, 2, ...


www.yahoo.com/parenting/its-time-to-talk-about-the-food-you-serve-your-108105846313.html


By Eden Strong



I dropped my daughter off at her friend’s birthday party and before I left, handed the friend’s mom a gluten-free cupcake. “Thanks so much for the invite!” I said. “My daughter’s on a special diet and she knows not to eat anything while she’s here, but if you could just give her this cupcake when you guys have cake that would be fabulous.”



The mom looked at me as if I’d just told her that my kid only eats fertilizer and would she mind ordering some for the party. “Oh sure, no problem,” she said with one eyebrow raised and the corner of her mouth twisted upwards to convey her disgust.



Later, when I arrived to pick my daughter up, the kids were still in the midst of eating their cake so I stood outside the party room with the other parents as we waited for them to finish. The birthday girl’s mom stuck her head out the door and offered us all a slice saying, “The kids filled up on pizza and one little girl’s mom has her on a weird diet so there’s a ton of cake left.” In response, the other parents mumbled, “Some people just need to lighten up; it’s a party.” They laughed and talked amongst themselves - amongst ME - about how ridiculous it is that some parents feel the need to be all high-and-mighty with their “organic this and organic that.” One mom even expressed sadness that there was a child who was “missing out on the fun” and they all agreed they’d never want to willingly make their child feel different.



Here’s the backstory: For medical reasons, my daughter’s on a special diet. To add to that, I’ve chosen to limit and diversify her diet in other ways that I feel are important for reasons I don’t feel the need to explain. Certainly, I don’t expect anyone to cater to her dietary needs or go out of their way to accommodate her, but I DO expect to be respected for the ways that I choose to feed my child.



I’m sick and tired of other parents telling me to just “loosen up, she’s a kid!” I’m tired of catching the stink eye from people when I pack my a daughter a lunch full of things most kids can’t recognize. I’m over people making me feel like I’m ruining my daughter’s childhood because I limit her from certain things. What is wrong with me feeding my kid what I feel is best for her? When I see parents feeding their kids Happy Meals and ingredients I believe can cause pretty significant health issues, it’s hard for me to understand why they’d willingly fill their kids up with processed garbage and pretend it’s actually food. I look at your kids and I fear our future rising healthcare costs as well as the unhealthy spouse my child may one day marry. So while you’re cringing because my kid’s not eating a cupcake, I’m cringing because yours is.



You know what, though? I’ve realized that it’s not my place to pass judgment on what you’re feeding your child because your child doesn’t belong to me. I understand that you as a parent have made choices that you feel are the best thing for your family. I trust that you as a parent love your child just as much as I love mine and that you’re doing what you feel is best for them. And while I’m not proud to admit I sometimes form internal judgments (admit it, we all do) I realize it’s not within my rights to let those judgments slip outside my consciousness.



The way that I feed my child is not a problem. The REAL problem is that you have a problem with something that’s NOT your problem. Yes, you with your judgmental eyes, snippy comments, and unwanted opinions. YOU are forcing social stigmas on my child and I do have a problem with that. If you as the grown-up were to simply accept what my child was eating, so would your kids and so would my daughter. In short: you’re the one reinforcing that my child is different. And yes, maybe she is different, but so is your child. Why is that concept so difficult to comprehend? Different is equal, not necessarily better or worse.



As parents, I hope we can agree that if we want to raise a generation of compassionate and accepting individuals than we need to be teaching our kids those lessons now. We need to remember that the issue is bigger than your opinions about what I feed my child.



And while we’re at it, I’ll feed my kid and you feed yours, okay?

[starlily]

I couldn't stop rolling my eyes when I read this yesterday. She sounds like a peach.

[Cicero]

Me thinks that if there were real medical reasons she would have spent more than one sentence of her five paragraph diatribe describing them.

[penguingrrl]

Nope! I'm going to guess that sanctimommy was preachy about dropping it off. If your kid has a legit medical issue you say food allergies (even if it's not technically an allergy, everyone understands allergies) and people hand your kid their safe snack without thinking twice or eye rolling.

[eponinepontmercy]

I'm going to assume this woman doesn't vax because of ingredients.

[leeba25]

Jan 28, 2015 11:17:22 GMT -5 penguingrrl said:

Nope! I'm going to guess that sanctimommy was preachy about dropping it off. If your kid has a legit medical issue you say food allergies (even if it's not technically an allergy, everyone understands allergies) and people hand your kid their safe snack without thinking twice or eye rolling.

Agreed. I've seen plenty of allergic kids eating their own cupcakes during parties in my years as a mom. It's not that uncommon anymore. 

[ECB]

I just posted this on MM Moms. As the mom of a kid w/ celiac and I ALWAYS show up to a party not only with a GF cupcake but usually GF pizza too, I have never once been received with anything other than support and "oh, of course".

If people were rude to her, it's over her use of "special diet" instead of the actual act of asking that her DD be given a GF cupcake for medical reasons.

[cville]

I would bet somewhere in the neighborhood of all of my 401(k) savings that "Eden Strong" is neither her birth name nor the name she would've had if she'd just dropped her maiden name and added her husband's last name.


"Compassionate and accepting" individuals don't use national columns for french fry-induced zingers. I can't hold back the LOLs at "I'm worried about my daughter's future spouse's health." Roll it back there, lady, and save up your worry for the first time you daughter gets ahold of some Doritos.

[msmerymac]

So since we have a vegetarian house hold, this is something I worry about. Everyone can understand a legit medical issue like, "here's a special cupcake because my kid will go into anaphalaxis if he has eggs/peanuts/etc." But people always assume that by virtue of being a vegetarian or vegan, you are judging them and their diet automatically.

So I get her overall point about letting people pick their own kid's diet. Everyone makes choices about what their kid eats, and some are a little more main stream than others. I also always think about IIOY's point about how EVERY day seems to be treat day with kids, so "it's just a little treat!" is really overdone.

But yeah, why does she have to be such a smug asshole? I'd rather not have her on my side, thanks.

[chedifuen]

This lady sounds like a peach. My kids don't eat meat and everyone is always very kind about it. Probably because we don't make it a big deal and don't act all judgy of what they're eating.

[Deleted]

For me, it's the phrasing 'special diet.' That makes it sound like you're raising a 'preshus.' Tell them it's medical or allergy-based and you're probably going to get a lot more sensitivity.

[penguingrrl]

Jan 28, 2015 11:23:53 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

So since we have a vegetarian house hold, this is something I worry about. Everyone can understand a legit medical issue like, "here's a special cupcake because my kid will go into anaphalaxis if he has eggs/peanuts/etc." But people always assume that by virtue of being a vegetarian or vegan, you are judging them and their diet automatically.

So I get her overall point about letting people pick their own kid's diet. Everyone makes choices about what their kid eats, and some are a little more main stream than others. I also always think about IIOY's point about how EVERY day seems to be treat day with kids, so "it's just a little treat!" is really overdone.

But yeah, why does she have to be such a smug asshole? I'd rather not have her on my side, thanks.

I have never rolled my eyes at or judged vegan or vegetarian households, but I've known people who eschewed meat or animal byproducts my whole life so it's not weird or a "special diet" to me. But a lot of this is also about delivery. "We eat vegan/vegetarian" is very different than "How can you hate all animals?" I suspect the writer had the second tone, not the first.

[cville]

My mom, who has celiac, has had some pushback from people over the years, but that's been more like "oh, but there isn't any FLOUR in there so how could there be GLUTEN in there." No one has ever rolled their eyes and been all "omigah, we have soooooooo much cake because Mama Cville over there is 'gluten free', that poser" **eyeroll**

Because my mom isn't a sanctimonious asshole. And has a real medical condition. And probably because she enjoys french fries.

[EloiseWeenie]

In summary:
Dr has kid on a special diet, but I'm going the extra mile and diversifying.
People judged me, in front of me!
But joke's on them, because they feed their kids INGREDIENTS!!!
I shouldn't judge, but I still do. So my judginess is ok, because we all do it.
Really, I judge you for everything. So stop judging me.

Good lord, she's an asshole.

[jaylea]

The most ridiculous parent I know posted this on FB the other day as some sort of lesson to the rest of us. Lol.

[heyjude]

"Here’s the backstory: For medical reasons, my daughter’s on a special diet. To add to that, I’ve chosen to limit and diversify her diet in other ways that I feel are important for reasons I don’t feel the need to explain."

Crazy hipster parent to normal parent translation: I'm full of shit. And my naturopath goes along with it.

[heyjude]

My friend's son has an egg allergy and he brings his own cupcake to parties. No one gives them a "hard time" about this and she doesn't have to "defend his special diet" because ITS A LEGIT MEDICAL ISSUE.

[Deleted]

I bet she rolled in like an asshole and thus, she got the asshole stink eye in return.

And yeah, I bet money this special diet is neither medical nor religious and I wish her all the best when precious turns 13 and starts stuffing her face with pizza, bacon, and ben and jerry's the minute mama ain't there to shame her.

[heyjude]

Jan 28, 2015 11:53:59 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

I bet she rolled in like an asshole and thus, she got the asshole stink eye in return.

And yeah, I bet money this special diet is neither medical nor religious and I wish her all the best when precious turns 13 and starts stuffing her face with pizza, bacon, and ben and jerry's the minute mama ain't there to shame her.

Exactly.

If she had said "my DD has celiacs disease and can't process gluten; I have a special cupcake for her, could you make sure she gets it?" There would be NO ISSUE.

But her DD doesn't have celiacs disease; the mom is just a food snob. Which is fine. We all have our thing. But to extend that snobbishness to food someone else prepares for a party is where you run afoul of good manners.

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2015 12:02:16 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Exactly.

If she had said "my DD has celiacs disease and can't process gluten; I have a special cupcake for her, could you make sure she gets it?" There would be NO ISSUE.

But her DD doesn't have celiacs disease; the mom is just a food snob. Which is fine. We all have our thing. But to extend that snobbishness to food someone else prepares for a party is where you run afoul of good manners.

It's also where you breed rebellion in your kid.

And I rolled my eyes heartily at the idea of her kid eating food the french fry noshers ain't never heard of. Because no one else goes to Whole Paycheck but her.

[irishbride2]

I have not had a single bad experience with DS' milk allergy. Not a one. People have gone above and beyond to be respectful and helpful.

Its all about delivery. Yes there are jerks out there who will be jerks no matter what. But it helps a lot when you explain the situation, ask nicely and go out of your way to make it as easy on the host as possible.

[heyjude]

Jan 28, 2015 12:08:25 GMT -5 irishbride2 said:

I have not had a single bad experience with DS' milk allergy. Not a one. People have gone above and beyond to be respectful and helpful.

Its all about delivery. Yes there are jerks out there who will be jerks no matter what. But it helps a lot when you explain the situation, ask nicely and go out of your way to make it as easy on the host as possible.

There is no way you can politely say "your food isn't good enough for my daughter." There is no delivery deficiency here.

In this case you just have to own the fact that you are an asshole. Not go whining to your blog followers about the meanies who just dont understand how special your palette is.

[thejackpot]

Yeah, this Mom is nutso. My ds has allergies and I am still floored that there are people who make comments about me bringing his food to parties but it is normally older people. I do wish people would not make me explain but hey I get it.

ETA: I mean when I am discretely passing him his cupcake, you don't have to ask about it. I don't feel like I should always have to say he has allergies.

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2015 12:14:20 GMT -5 thejackpot said:

Yeah, this Mom is nutso. My ds has allergies and I am still floored that there are people who make comments about me bringing his food to parties but it is normally older people. I do wish people would not make me explain but hey I get it.

ETA: I mean when I am discretely passing him his cupcake, you don't have to ask about it. I don't feel like I should always have to say he has allergies.

I understand you don't want to have to explain but it's patently rude to show up and say you can't eat the food the host is serving without explanation. I guess there's a question as to why that's the status quo but as long as it is, an explanation is the polite thing to do.

[Deleted]

[lg28]

I agree that we are always facing a reason for a "special treat" and that its gone WAY overboard. So I completely understand the writer wanting to keep her kids diet free from most of the crap we eat. I think sending a cupcake was fine. I think her delivery and her choice of language, however was rude and her writing was ridiculously condescending.

[Deleted]

Jan 28, 2015 12:50:42 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree that we are always facing a reason for a "special treat" and that its gone WAY overboard. So I completely understand the writer wanting to keep her kids diet free from most of the crap we eat. I think sending a cupcake was fine. I think her delivery and her choice of language, however was rude and her writing was ridiculously condescending.

What? No.

Look, if you think your kid doesn't need a "special treat" don't take him to another kid's birthday party. And if you don't think your kid needs a "special treat" don't sub a special cupcake either. 

Now if the situation were a school Valentine party and she chose to send pretzels and hummus instead of the usual cookies and cupcakes, I could totally be on board.

[lg28]

Jan 28, 2015 12:54:30 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Jan 28, 2015 12:50:42 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree that we are always facing a reason for a "special treat" and that its gone WAY overboard. So I completely understand the writer wanting to keep her kids diet free from most of the crap we eat. I think sending a cupcake was fine. I think her delivery and her choice of language, however was rude and her writing was ridiculously condescending.

What? No.

Look, if you think your kid doesn't need a "special treat" don't take him to another kid's birthday party. And if you don't think your kid needs a "special treat" don't sub a special cupcake either. 

Now if the situation were a school Valentine party and she chose to send pretzels and hummus instead of the usual cookies and cupcakes, I could totally be on board.

There are always going to be birthday parties, trips, special occasions, etc. What's wrong with avoiding the crap food at all of the parties?

I was reading recently that we consume 5-10x the recommended sugar intake daily in North America. 10x. It's a huge problem. I'm really trying to be more conscious of our sugar intake as a family, and it IS frustrating when we decline a treat somewhere (a simple no, thank you.) and people try to force it on us.

Again, the writer herself was a bitch. Her approach was awful. But I see nothing wrong with trying to avoid the crap served everywhere.

[heyjude]

I actually hate going to kid bday parties where the parents serve sawdust with cream cheese aka "healthy cupcakes" because I'm a baked good snob. But it would be so fucking RUDE of me to bring my own REAL cupcake to the party.

[ECB]

Jan 28, 2015 12:59:28 GMT -5 lg28 said:

Jan 28, 2015 12:54:30 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

What? No.

Look, if you think your kid doesn't need a "special treat" don't take him to another kid's birthday party. And if you don't think your kid needs a "special treat" don't sub a special cupcake either. 

Now if the situation were a school Valentine party and she chose to send pretzels and hummus instead of the usual cookies and cupcakes, I could totally be on board.

There are always going to be birthday parties, trips, special occasions, etc. What's wrong with avoiding the crap food at all of the parties?

I was reading recently that we consume 5-10x the recommended sugar intake daily in North America. 10x. It's a huge problem. I'm really trying to be more conscious of our sugar intake as a family, and it IS frustrating when we decline a treat somewhere (a simple no, thank you.) and people try to force it on us.

Again, the writer herself was a bitch. Her approach was awful. But I see nothing wrong with trying to avoid the crap served everywhere.

But a GF cupcake isn't any healthier than a regular cupcake!