Teachers, a question Update

[aussiecrush]

What is the privacy policy regarding information discussed in an IEP meeting or similar? Would you talk to another parent about things discussed about a student during one of these meetings?
Long story short: During a parent teacher conference my son's kindergarten teacher told the mother about things we discussed in an IEP meeting about my son and classmates. I'm...not happy. I guess I'm wondering if this is normal.

Update: Heard back from B's case leader at the school. She's horrified. Didn't say if it was a violation or not but immediately forwarded my email to the principal. They'd like to meet to discuss things in depth. The principal also emailed me to let me know he was handling things today, before the parent teacher conference. Again, I'm not sure what handling means but I know they are concerned and listening. I meet with the teacher this afternoon.
Thank you all for the support and helping me talk it through.

[dowagercountess]

Told another mother? That's complete and total FERPA violation and I would be up her ass.

I say that as a teacher.

[stephm0188]

And she identified your son? If so, that's a huge violation of FERPA.

[dowagercountess]

We'd probably get fired for that at my school.

[killercupcake]

Not a teacher, but being trained about confidentiality and FERPA and that is a total violation of both.

[aussiecrush]

Yes, she identified my son.
I guess I'm wondering if I'm overreacting because it wasn't sensitive information about his diagnosis. B was asked about his friends and classmates during an assessment. Mentioned the mother's child in a very positive light, which is a big deal because he struggles socially. The teacher told the mother what my son said.

[ncteacher]

I agree with everyone else. We are not allowed to discuss anything with other parents. I never say this but I would go above the teachers head with this.

[stephm0188]

Be very, very angry. That's a complete violation and needs to be addressed immediately.

[katb]

Serious violation if she brought up your son specifically. Now, if it was along the lines, "I have had a student before with *whatever disability* and had much success by allowing tension balls, 10 minute breaks, etc. that would be okay. So a generalization of skill sets/routines that helped a matter. If she brought up your son's name, she should be fired.

ETA:  I see where you say she identified your son.  I would go right to the principal, if not higher.  We have area directors that are in charge of all the schools in certain parts of our county.  

[greenmonster]

Woah. FERPA violation. People get fired over things like this. I would be angry if I were you too!

[EmilieMadison]

Ok, hold up. There's a HUGE difference between 
A) "During his IEP evaluation, B mentioned how much he enjoys interacting with your son. I just wanted you to know that this is a big deal for him and that I'm so glad your son and B have been able to connect." 
vs
B) "And as far as social interactions go, your son is really a great part of the classroom environment. He and B interact particularly well together." 

How was this presented? 

[aussiecrush]

Jan 28, 2015 17:49:08 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Ok, hold up. There's a HUGE difference between 
A) "During his IEP evaluation, B mentioned how much he enjoys interacting with your son. I just wanted you to know that this is a big deal for him and that I'm so glad your son and B have been able to connect." 
vs
B) "And as far as social interactions go, your son is really a great part of the classroom environment. He and B interact particularly well together." 

How was this presented? 

My understanding from the mother is more like A. "During B's evaluation he talked about your daughter and that she told B they were getting married some day. I thought you might be concerned."

[EmilieMadison]

Jan 28, 2015 18:48:52 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

Jan 28, 2015 17:49:08 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Ok, hold up. There's a HUGE difference between 
A) "During his IEP evaluation, B mentioned how much he enjoys interacting with your son. I just wanted you to know that this is a big deal for him and that I'm so glad your son and B have been able to connect." 
vs
B) "And as far as social interactions go, your son is really a great part of the classroom environment. He and B interact particularly well together." 

How was this presented? 

My understanding from the mother is more like A. "During B's evaluation he talked about your daughter and that she told B they were getting married some day. I thought you might be concerned."

NOT ok. 
But how do you know what was said to the other mother? Who told you?

[tacokick]

People get fired for that.

[aussiecrush]

Jan 28, 2015 18:53:27 GMT -5 bricco said:

Jan 28, 2015 18:48:52 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

My understanding from the mother is more like A. "During B's evaluation he talked about your daughter and that she told B they were getting married some day. I thought you might be concerned."

Teacher should not have mentioned the evaluation at all.  Are you sure she did?

All I know is what the mom is saying. I emailed B's case manager at the school for guidance and our parent teacher conference is tomorrow. I don't have a reason not to take the mom at her word.
According to the mom it wasn't phrased as "your daughter is a great friend to B" but more like "B is saying he's going to marry your daughter and I thought you might be worried."

[aussiecrush]

Jan 28, 2015 18:55:17 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Jan 28, 2015 18:48:52 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

My understanding from the mother is more like A. "During B's evaluation he talked about your daughter and that she told B they were getting married some day. I thought you might be concerned."

NOT ok. 
But how do you know what was said to the other mother? Who told you?

The mother herself.

[aussiecrush]

Jan 28, 2015 19:03:49 GMT -5 bricco said:

Jan 28, 2015 18:59:11 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

All I know is what the mom is saying. I emailed B's case manager at the school for guidance and our parent teacher conference is tomorrow. I don't have a reason not to take the mom at her word.
According to the mom it wasn't phrased as "your daughter is a great friend to B" but more like "B is saying he's going to marry your daughter and I thought you might be worried."

It may not be flattering to your child that she implies that Othermother would be worried about B saying he was going to marry her daughter, but I don't think repeating the child's quote is the breech of confidentiality.  I think what WOULD be a breech is if the teacher specified that it happened at a special ed meeting of any sort.

That's why I was asking, here and at the school. I'm not sure how this all works. I'm not happy either way and I want the teacher to know it. The school can deal with whatever rule or protocol was broken. Either way there was no reason to have said it.

[EmilieMadison]

So, according to the mother, the teacher told her that your son has had an evaluation and was WARNING her about your son in regards to her daughter?

Nope, no way. Burn it down.

[chickenlittle]

Raise holy hell if it was presented the way that mother says it was. It violates FERPA, paints your son in a negative light, and reveals information about his diagnosis. That shit would get me fired without a second thought.

[dowagercountess]

Unless you told her, that mother should not have known there was an IEP meeting at all.

[azurely]

I think knowing exactly what the teacher said is important here, and unfortunately there's no way to know what she said exactly... She should not have mentioned your son's IEP or anything about his disability, that is absolutely a violation of his and your privacy. I'm a special ed teacher, fwiw.

How/why did the other mom tell you? Are you and she friends? Did she already know that your son has an IEP? Just curious if she filled in the blanks with prior info, like if the teacher said, "Billy mentioned last week that he is going to marry Katie," and your friend knew his IEP meeting was last week, so she knew that was when she was referring to.

I also want to know how the teacher said it. If she was joking, like, "better watch out, haha!" or "you should be worried because a boy with a disability in her class wants to marry her..." Either way she shouldn't mention another kid by name, but obviously the latter is much more offensive.

[aussiecrush]

I'm just stunned. I know the teacher doesn't like the accommodations for my son and has resisted things at times. I never thought she'd talk about him in a negative light to another parent. This could have hurt B's budding friendship with this girl and that breaks my heart.

[dowagercountess]

Jan 28, 2015 19:35:17 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

I'm just stunned. I know the teacher doesn't like the accommodations for my son and has resisted things at times. I never thought she'd talk about him in a negative light to another parent. This could have hurt B's budding friendship with this girl and that breaks my heart.

How did the other mother know he had an IEP meeting?

[aussiecrush]

Jan 28, 2015 19:34:38 GMT -5 azurely said:

I think knowing exactly what the teacher said is important here, and unfortunately there's no way to know what she said exactly... She should not have mentioned your son's IEP or anything about his disability, that is absolutely a violation of his and your privacy. I'm a special ed teacher, fwiw.

How/why did the other mom tell you? Are you and she friends? Did she already know that your son has an IEP? Just curious if she filled in the blanks with prior info, like if the teacher said, "Billy mentioned last week that he is going to marry Katie," and your friend knew his IEP meeting was last week, so she knew that was when she was referring to.

I also want to know how the teacher said it. If she was joking, like, "better watch out, haha!" or "you should be worried because a boy with a disability in her class wants to marry her..." Either way she shouldn't mention another kid by name, but obviously the latter is much more offensive.

Jan 28, 2015 19:38:56 GMT -5 dowagercountess said:

Jan 28, 2015 19:35:17 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

I'm just stunned. I know the teacher doesn't like the accommodations for my son and has resisted things at times. I never thought she'd talk about him in a negative light to another parent. This could have hurt B's budding friendship with this girl and that breaks my heart.

How did the other mother know he had an IEP meeting?

We are friendly but I don't talk about B's IEP meetings with her. Is it possible she inferred it, I guess. B has an aide so I'm sure most people know he has accommodations but I don't discuss it and no one has ever asked me. I think the "warning" tone bothered the mom and she wanted me to know what was said. Is it possible the teacher was joking, again I guess. I don't have that kind of relationship with her. I only have one side of the story, hopefully tomorrow I can get some clarification. What I know as of now hurts and makes me angry.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Your kid's teacher is unprofessional as hell.

[dowagercountess]

That's no good. I never even mention other kids when I am in meetings with parents. If they ask about them, I just say I can't talk about other students.

[aussiecrush]

Jan 28, 2015 20:13:22 GMT -5 bricco said:

Ugh, I'm so sorry that you feel like his teacher thinks negatively of your son because of his accommodations. You mean because they're inconvenient for her? Or she thinks they aren't appropriate?

There's a lot of school year left. I hope you're able to approach this with her in a way that can clear the air without damaging the parent/teacher relationship.

She doesn't like anything that deviates from her plan. She wants B to sit on the back of class because he's one of the tallest in class. His IEP has him up front, on an end, so he can have a closer eye on him. She doesn't like his visual calendar or the cards that he uses when he needs a break. His team wants to implement changes at recess and in meetings she is very vocal about not allowing the changes.
Academically she's bringing out his best, he's really learning a lot. I just get the feeling she doesn't like all the things she has to do to help him and this reinforces that feeling.

[dowagercountess]

Jan 28, 2015 20:32:05 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

Jan 28, 2015 20:13:22 GMT -5 bricco said:

Ugh, I'm so sorry that you feel like his teacher thinks negatively of your son because of his accommodations. You mean because they're inconvenient for her? Or she thinks they aren't appropriate?

There's a lot of school year left. I hope you're able to approach this with her in a way that can clear the air without damaging the parent/teacher relationship.

She doesn't like anything that deviates from her plan. She wants B to sit on the back of class because he's one of the tallest in class. His IEP has him up front, on an end, so he can have a closer eye on him. She doesn't like his visual calendar or the cards that he uses when he needs a break. His team wants to implement changes at recess and in meetings she is very vocal about not allowing the changes.
Academically she's bringing out his best, he's really learning a lot. I just get the feeling she doesn't like all the things she has to do to help him and this reinforces that feeling.

She sounds like a pain. Honestly, a kid's accommodations might make my life difficult, but I would never tell a parent I didn't like them or fail to do them. 

[aussiecrush]

Jan 28, 2015 20:49:46 GMT -5 dowagercountess said:

Jan 28, 2015 20:32:05 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

She doesn't like anything that deviates from her plan. She wants B to sit on the back of class because he's one of the tallest in class. His IEP has him up front, on an end, so he can have a closer eye on him. She doesn't like his visual calendar or the cards that he uses when he needs a break. His team wants to implement changes at recess and in meetings she is very vocal about not allowing the changes.
Academically she's bringing out his best, he's really learning a lot. I just get the feeling she doesn't like all the things she has to do to help him and this reinforces that feeling.

She sounds like a pain. Honestly, a kid's accommodations might make my life difficult, but I would never tell a parent I didn't like them or fail to do them. 

Honestly, I know my kid is difficult and I'm sure accommodations are a pain in the ass sometimes. I have mad respect for teachers and how much they have to balance. We've asked for the minimum needed to help B and fought like hell for the aide, as much to help the teacher as B. She has said and done plenty that annoys me but I don't talk about her to the other parents, I'm polite when I work in the classroom and I don't contact her unless its really important (giving my kid with the egg allergy a cupcake, in spite of the health plan in place and providing alternate snacks stored in the classroom). I just don't want this to read like "I hate teachers!", or that I don't understand my kids makes things difficult. Thank you for the replies, it really helps.

[aussiecrush]

Jan 28, 2015 20:49:52 GMT -5 bricco said:

Jan 28, 2015 20:32:05 GMT -5 aussiecrush said:

She doesn't like anything that deviates from her plan. She wants B to sit on the back of class because he's one of the tallest in class. His IEP has him up front, on an end, so he can have a closer eye on him. She doesn't like his visual calendar or the cards that he uses when he needs a break. His team wants to implement changes at recess and in meetings she is very vocal about not allowing the changes.
Academically she's bringing out his best, he's really learning a lot. I just get the feeling she doesn't like all the things she has to do to help him and this reinforces that feeling.

If she's bringing out his best academically, is there any way it could be that she simply thinks she help meet the goals of his plan without those specific changes?  Sigh, I don't know.  I'm really not a DEFEND-ALL-TEACHERS kind of person, but I'm trying to see if there's anyway this is okay.  I'm afraid there's not.

Sitting him in the back because he's tall is asinine.  But I know that I spend most of my time at the back of my classroom, so I actually do put my kids who need more attention back there.  I teach middle school, though, so it's also easier to attend to them discreetly.  In kindy, it's a totally different ball game. 

Ugh, I'm so sorry that you feel she just doesn't like doing the stuff to help him.  That's so hard.

If she thinks so, she hasn't said so. Comments she's made make me think she doesn't really understand him. She sees how smart he is (their testing says 162 IQ, not sure how truly accurate that is) and she can't understand why he can't sit still, stop humming and running away. The team has worked with her to blend the goals with classroom management and the aide is a huge help. I don't want to be "that mom" and at the same time I don't want her badmouthing B or making things tougher for him. I really appreciate your insight, thank you for "listening" and helping me see this from a different perspective.