Dear Pru: I want to retire at 26 can I ask BF to support me?

[iammalcolmx]

Well she can ask.......

Dear Prudence,
I am a 26-year-old woman living in a quaint tech town. I have been a social worker since graduation, most recently with hospice patients, and the experience made me feel I was headed for a nervous breakdown. I saw terrible things with the families and the job filled me with deep sadness. I’m working on changing careers but struggling to find a field that interests me. I’m happiest in my quiet home, cleaning and making beautiful meals for my partner. I walk my dog, go to the gym, volunteer cleaning up a local forest and do things that promote tranquility. He makes enough at a tech firm to support the both of us, but I am paying my share of bills with my meager savings. We have no children and don’t see any on the horizon. He was supportive of my quitting, assuming I would quickly find another job. But social work now terrifies me, and I don’t know want to do for a career, if anything. Is it wrong to ask my partner to support my quiet at-home life for the sake of my mental health? Am I crazy to drop out of the workforce so early? What do I say to my worried family members when they grill me about my plans for the future?

—Modest Ambitions

Dear Modest,
You thought you wanted to spend your career helping the sickest and most vulnerable. You don’t. There’s no shame in that, and better to find out now than to be a burnt-out and ineffective healer. But unless there are extenuating circumstances, everyone should have the ability to support herself. Even if you end up someday being a stay-at-home mother, at this point in life you need to be building work experience in a field that enriches rather than terrifies you. To begin exploring what field that might be, contact your alma mater. Many colleges offer free career advice to their graduates—you could do it by phone or Skype. If you could use more help, see if your boyfriend will loan you money for career counseling. (Since he’d like you to be gainfully employed, he has an incentive to make it a gift.) Maybe the hospitality industry, or property management, for example, would allow you to use your considerable skills. Meanwhile, there are steps you can take right now. You’ve discovered you love doing things that lots of people hate, so share this love in exchange for cash. In your tech town there are going to be those eager to outsource dog walking, meal preparation, and other domestic tasks. Talk to companies that offer these services to busy tech executives, or start your own one-woman business. Sure, preparing a meal for another family is not the same as noodling around your own kitchen. But you may discover you get satisfaction making life more pleasant for stressed-out thriving people, instead of easing people to their last meal. You made an early career choice that was inimical to your psychological needs. But that should not result in your withdrawing from the workplace. Instead draw on the insights your difficulties gave you, and the satisfaction you are now experiencing, and move toward doing something that will fulfill your psyche and your bank account.

—Prudie

[pixy0stix]

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

[ijack]

If he says yes do you think he'd want me as a second wife?

[jillboston]

Jan 29, 2015 11:27:06 GMT -5 ijack said:

If he says yes do you think he'd want me as a second wife?

can I be your older sister wife? Scratch that- maybe he'd like a nice aunty or stepmom.

[ESF]

Well, this certainly gives new meaning to leaning in.

[dawnzersong]

I love how this one career hasn't turned out to be the right fit, so the obvious solution is to just stop working. No middle ground!

[chedifuen]

If he hasn't yet committed to marrying her then I'm seriously doubting he'll be down with supporting her for life.

[cattledogkisses]

OMG, she sounds almost exactly like my SIL who promptly upon getting married quit her job and has been a SAHW ever since, even though they're drowning in debt. But working is too stressful. 

[meshaliuknits]

Good luck with that.

[emilyj]

Cut her some slack. She's committed to making beautiful meals.

Maybe she should be a chef.

[Deleted]

[pixy0stix]

[EloiseWeenie]

First of all, I don't think there is anything wrong if a couple decides that one partner stays at home. The problem here, is it doesn't sound like she's been having this discussion with her boyfriend, and I have no idea if they're planning to be married/long-term commitment.

[mbcdefg]

Hey, it worked for someone I know. She "just didn't feel like working" anymore, even though the H was making peanuts. She wanted to have his dinner and slippers ready for when he came home, and take care of the kids (who didn't arrive for several years). The H complained to me about it, but I've got no sympathy for him because he didn't shut that crap down right from the getgo.

I don't get why the Dear Pru contributor, or my friend, would voluntarily make a risky move like this. I don't love going to work either, but I REALLY would not love it if the bank took my house away for not being able to pay the mortgage. And the thing that really gets me about my friend is that she's happy to be 100% reliant on her H ... doesn't drive because H or her family can drive her, didn't go to college because she knew they were just going to get married anyway, and quit her job because H could provide for her. Where's your identity? What if, heaven forbid, something happens to him (and in his profession it's not that far-fetched) - she's going to have to go live with her folks because there's no way she could provide for herself or her children.

[josieposy]

Maybe she should ask for a pony while she's at it.

[MrsAxilla]

She should sign up for that sugar baby site.

[iammalcolmx]

I am not mad at her for asking because nothing beats a try but a fail.

[Deleted]

I think it would be reasonable to share the expenses as a percentage of income and not a straight 50/50 split. But other than that, homegirl is high. Hiiiiiiiiiiiigh off her gourd.

She is 20fucking6. Lazy ass heifer.

[downtoearth]

Wait, you can do this?

Can you imagine if your DH/SO came home from their job and said, "I'd love to just stay at home, prepare beautiful meals, clean the house, and care for you."  What would you say to that?  Me - I'd laugh like pixy0stix, BAWAWAWAWAHA HA HA HA...

[Deleted]

Jan 29, 2015 12:04:26 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Wait, you can do this?

Can you imagine if your DH/SO came home from their job and said, "I'd love to just stay at home, prepare beautiful meals, clean the house, and care for you."  What would you say to that?  Me - I'd laugh like pixy0stix, BAWAWAWAWAHA HA HA HA...

I'd ask him just how exactly he planned to pretty up blue box mac and cheese and hot dogs of dubious meat origin because that's as good as we'd be eating lolol.

Could she at minimum volunteer at a soup kitchen or something? Or if she wanted him to support her while she opened up her own small business or something?

But nah, she's all, working is haaaaaaaard.

[iammalcolmx]

Unlike her we are actually married and no we don't need my income* however my H would think I am smoking crack if I pulled this.




*Yeah but my trips would suck and I wouldn't be able to spend large amounts of money for comfortable on International flights.

[blink]

Now rationally, can she ask her partner? Sure, and partner can say no, you need a job and thats that. There is nothing wrong with keeping a house and not having an outside job. But it just seems like she will throw a temper tantrum for not getting her way.

So you are twenty six years old. You can sit your ass down and get a job.

[Deleted]

I, too, would love to be a trophy wife. Instead I am the higher paid in the marriage. Apparently I took a wrong turn somewhere. I should have been headed to a "quaint tech town" (wtf is that?) and finding some dude who can't say no to me.

[ggirl]

Lol. I mean yeah she can ask. But. It sounds like BF doesn't want a trophy wife and wants her working.

[iammalcolmx]

OK Group help me out here, how does someone wanting to stay home make them a Trophy Wife?

[andrealynn]

I was at a girl's night the other day and one girl said that she was a SAHM now, but planned to go back to work after the kids were all in school, because at that point you are just a SAHW. I was like... SAHW is my life dream. lol.

I don't think I could be a SAHGF, though. I think Prudie's advice was pretty good.

[wawa]

Jan 29, 2015 12:10:53 GMT -5 @silver said:

I, too, would love to be a trophy wife. Instead I am the higher paid in the marriage. Apparently I took a wrong turn somewhere. I should have been headed to a "quaint tech town" (wtf is that?) and finding some dude who can't say no to me.

right?  Where did I go so wrong???

quaint tech town does sound so very odd, doesn't it?  I'm picturing Eureka from the SciFi show. 

[andrealynn]

Jan 29, 2015 12:16:45 GMT -5 wawa said:

Jan 29, 2015 12:10:53 GMT -5 @silver said:

I, too, would love to be a trophy wife. Instead I am the higher paid in the marriage. Apparently I took a wrong turn somewhere. I should have been headed to a "quaint tech town" (wtf is that?) and finding some dude who can't say no to me.

right?  Where did I go so wrong???

quaint tech town does sound so very odd, doesn't it?  I'm picturing Eureka from the SciFi show. 

Exactly what I pictured, too. lol.

[Deleted]

You know what this reminds me of? My mom hasn't worked in 19 years and she was talking to some friends over the summer. Someone mentioned another wife of a mutual friend and called her a "kept woman". My mom said, "That sounds nice. I'd like to be that." My dad was stunned and asked, "What do you think you are though?"

My mom says she's retired. Mom. You didn't retire at 41. You just never went back to work after we moved to a different state.

[pixy0stix]

Jan 29, 2015 12:20:37 GMT -5 @silver said:

You know what this reminds me of? My mom hasn't worked in 19 years and she was talking to some friends over the summer. Someone mentioned another wife of a mutual friend and called her a "kept woman". My mom said, "That sounds nice. I'd like to be that." My dad was stunned and asked, "What do you think you are though?"

My mom says she's retired. Mom. You didn't retire at 41. You just never went back to work after we moved to a different state.