Uggg that can be hard. One mantra that really helped me was "you don't have to make any decisions right now." And it's true. One day you will just know that you are ready. For me it took me about two years before I was sure that I was done. I will say I've never met anyone who regretted leaving (I'm sure they are out there, but I think it's a very small percentage). Go at a pace that's comfortable for you and take time to figure things out.
Post by cuddlyevil on Jan 29, 2015 15:38:42 GMT -5
It's okay to be confused right now. It is always hard to come to the decision to leave, regardless of whether the guy is a jackass or a decent human being. Take your time, keep seeing your therapist and don't rush anything. Eventually, you will get to a point where you're ready and you'll know. For now, let yourself feel the feelings and work through them. It'll be okay.
Post by jojoandleo on Jan 29, 2015 15:42:36 GMT -5
You don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow, or even this year. You also are allowed to change your mind! You have to be comfortable and happy.
BUT- keep in mind, your H may be a good guy, or have positive attributes, but that doesn'tran you all are right for each other, or you should stay married. There are plenty of perfectly lovely men out there that I personslly could not be married to. No one is all bad.
I'm sorry you are in this limbo. It is the worst. Most people (not all) will tell you- when they were finally done- they were DONE and knew it. You may not be there yet, or ever, and that's okay.
Uggg that can be hard. One mantra that really helped me was "you don't have to make any decisions right now." And it's true. One day you will just know that you are ready. For me it took me about two years before I was sure that I was done. I will say I've never met anyone who regretted leaving (I'm sure they are out there, but I think it's a very small percentage). Go at a pace that's comfortable for you and take time to figure things out.
I will second this. Continue to go to counseling and talk things through and figure out what is best for you and your family. My xh and I went through counseling and things got better for a bit and it delayed our seperation and ultimiately the divorce by over a year. Even when we agreed to seperate, I wasn't 100% sure divorce was the right answer even though everyone around me thought I was crazy. One day something happened and I was just 110% sure I was done. Now part of me wishes I hadn't waited, but I know that I am at peace with it because I was sure.
Sorry you're feeling in limbo @rumpshaker. Do you think a separation would be feasible for you two? That could give you some space and you could continue joint counselling if you wanted to. Your daughter is young enough that she won't remember one way or the other and it means that you don't have to make a final decision right away since it sounds like you're not comfortable doing that yet.
Obviously it can be a difficult thing to orchestrate so it's not always doable but maybe it's an option for you.
Good luck, it's definitely a sucky headspace to be in. x
I agree with everyone else, there is no rush. I understand you feel like it's unfair to keep your H on the hook. But, you have to put you and your baby first.
Your lease isn't up until April and you have 3 months where it's month to month. So you still have until July before you have to think of what's next. There will always be property to buy in the future. Do not use that as an excuse to rush into making a decision.
Take your time and continue therapy! You will make the right choice.
I'm sorry @rumpshaker! I am sure you are really confused right now, and that's okay. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you don't feel comfortable buying a house together in April, that's okay. There are other options (ie: you or your H putting the apartment in his or your name only; or ask if you can lease the property on a month to month basis.
As for the flowers, not to sound like a smart ass, but flowers die and shouldn't even be a deciding factor in whether you are done or not. I just want to echo everyone else and say you don't have to decide today, or tomorrow or even next week.
I want to take my time with this, but I feel rushed. I feel like it's unfair and unkind to keep H hanging about what I'm going to do. He absolutely does not want a divorce. I also feel that our living situation puts pressure on me. We moved to a small apartment in order to save money in preparation to buy a home. Obviously, I do not feel comfortable purchasing property together. Our lease is up in April, and we can stay there month-to-month for 3 months with no fee. We both agree that we would like to live in another city, and I've been looking at listings there. I could afford to buy a condo there on my own. How do I even present that to H? "Hi, I'm not sure if I want to stay married, so I'm going to buy this condo and not include you." Yeeeeesh.
I had to do something like this with my stbxh. A property came up in the next street over and I thought it would be perfect for my DS and me, and close enough that he could still see his dad often. We had had a fight after which I had decided I was done and we didn't really speak for a week. The auction was coming up on a Saturday and I didn't end up approaching him until the Friday night, and I didn't tell him about the house until the Saturday morning.
He decided he was on board with it but it had to be in both our names but I made sure he knew that it would end up mine if we did split for good. I didn't care in the end as I just wanted the house and we hadn't really discussed a settlement or anything at that stage anyway. Signing over a house to a spouse is not that hard here though.
I put it to him as being the least disruptive option for our child. We could move there and see how things went, if they worked out we could move back, of not, we didn't have to move again.
In the end we lost out at the auction and decided to give counselling another shot even though I was about 95% done at that stage. I am renting now so we will have to move again eventually, but it's much less stressful this way I think.
If you buy a property in your name while you're still married would he be entitled to any of it?
I'm sorry you're in limbo. As for the living situation--at least you don't need to make a decision until the summer. There are options and it's smart not to buy now with him. If you choose the other city I think renting first is a good option as well. You will know when you're "done". But don't choose to stay for reasons of comfort, familiarity and fear of the unknown/being alone. I think that's why many people stay when they should go.
I took a very, very long time to come to my decision despite what would have been an intolerable situation for most, I'm sure. I did what was best for me, when I felt I was ready. There will come a time when you feel it's what you need to do NOW, but it's a process. There's no harm in being absolutely sure, and actually prepared for the massive change. You'll do what is best for you and your DD, I have no doubt.
Post by lexxasaurus on Jan 29, 2015 23:40:40 GMT -5
I agree with others. Like MyName I stayed in a situation which few would have handled, and I really shouldn't have. When I was finished though, I knew it. All of the sudden it clicked and I was very much "Our lease is almost up, I'm not doing this, find a new place because we're over. Now." I'm sorry you're feeling so confused, but you'll get to a place where you can make a decision and feel comfortable and sure with it.