Post by Emerald1486 on Jan 29, 2015 20:02:02 GMT -5
I still remember a convo I had with a BFF. We were talking looks and I told her how I always felt she was gorgeous, and that I wondered if she was every embarrassed being out with me. She looked at me like I was legitimately crazy. She said she always thought I was prettier than her, and as shallow as it may sound, she does not have ugly friends. That night, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself "What does she see that I don't?"
I was bullied bad as a kid. I wanted to switch schools it was so bad. I never wore anything fashionable because honestly, my mom didn't know what fashion was. Sweatpants were a staple of my wardrobe. @blueyes623 At my smallest I was a size 12 as well, currently a 16.
I wish I could hug all of you ladies and help you see the gorgeousness in you all.
Post by dreamcrisp1 on Jan 29, 2015 20:10:17 GMT -5
I don't say this lightly because I don't say it unless I believe it but you are VERY pretty, PDX.
I understand though because I was an ugly child. I was hairy and I had bushy eyebrows and I was a tomboy. Now, I'm so different but I never see myself as "beautiful." People say it but it's hard for me to see. I pick at myself. Or I think everyone around me is prettier.
It's so hard but I try to stop those thoughts once they start happening and redirect them. Aint easy.
@bk totally! I think I just figure, well if there is someone prettier than me why would anyone want to bother with me? I am fully aware of how irrational I'm being and I likely just don't have a very inviting look because I"m spending so much time being self-conscious. Uggg. Well I'm definitely going to take some of the advice here. I have a gala tomorrow night for work, so this might be a good space to try and chat up people (just for the sake of chatting, not to like date). I'll be in a space that I feel comfortable with so perhaps that will make a difference.
Before you leave for the gala tomorrow promise me you will do one thing... Look at yourself in the mirror and say OUT LOUD "damn I'm good looking!" And mean it! Because you are girl!
@bk totally! I think I just figure, well if there is someone prettier than me why would anyone want to bother with me? I am fully aware of how irrational I'm being and I likely just don't have a very inviting look because I"m spending so much time being self-conscious. Uggg. Well I'm definitely going to take some of the advice here. I have a gala tomorrow night for work, so this might be a good space to try and chat up people (just for the sake of chatting, not to like date). I'll be in a space that I feel comfortable with so perhaps that will make a difference.
Before you leave for the gala tomorrow promise me you will do one thing... Look at yourself in the mirror and say OUT LOUD "damn I'm good looking!" And mean it! Because you are girl!
Post by jojoandleo on Jan 29, 2015 20:46:14 GMT -5
1-you are beautiful. I wish self esteem was as easy as people telling you. It's not.
2-I think everyone has their insecure days. I know I wake up some days and feel like nothing I do will make me look appropriate in public.
I was also a nerdy girl in HS who was teased. I once had a guy literally put his crotch in my face IN CLASS and say "yeah, I could do you this way. Then I wouldn't have to look at your face." I was also told there was NO WAY I was related to my sister. She was so pretty, and I was... Me. Even my friends told me my sister was prettier, but, hey! I was the better dancer. Some days, that shit is still in my head. I've had therapy and I know that was all BS, but I think no matter how much therapy one gets, self-esteem is always a process.
I'm okay with how I look about 75% of the time now. I think I look downright beautiful maybe 5-10% of the time. My main thing is, I can't compare myself. If I do, I will wish I had bigger boobs, a tighter stomach, bluer eyes, longer lashes, and on and on. I have to just look at ME.
When I'm having a rough day, I put more effort into my appearance. I wear my "nice ass" pants. Or a push up bra. Put on some make up. I also just realize I'm not always going to like how I look, and that's okay. I can't let myself focus on it! I throw myself into a new book, work, do some Pilates, something to refocus.
I'm sorry you are going through this. You ARE beautiful. But also, you aren't alone.
I haven't really struggled with my looks, but I've struggled with my weight. I'm the oldest of four, and the only one who's not a toothpick! However, I pose for a lot of selfies with my gorgeous, thin, 23 yo sister and we dislike the same number of pics. I look fat and she doesn't like her face. It's ridiculous! BUT, it makes me realize that everyone must feel this way at times.
OTOH, I think I have the opposite self esteem problem. I try not to compare myself to other people because I'm me, and...that stands on its own. But if I do fall into that trap, I come out on top because I set the criteria - I only care what I think, so I frame comparisons accordingly. Sure, she's prettier than me but I'm smarter than her; he makes more money than I do, but my lifestyle is unbeatable; she has that, but I have THIS. And the bottom line is - if you're happy with the life you've made for yourself, you win. Every fucking time.
Just know that whatever you like most about yourself is what other people are going to like, so try to like a lot of things. Because you're awesome, and the audience doesn't affect that. They might not appreciate it, but they're fucking wrong.
I'm so sorry. I was teased in junior high about my prominent nose and it still bothers me to this day. Those scars last forever and kids are cruel.
I echo what others have said about finding things that make you feel more confident. I feel best when j eat healthy and when workout and am tan. So I eat good clean food, work out daily, and use self tanner. I also feel better after I get my hair done so j keep up on my highlights.
But all of that is just surface level and beauty is so much more than skin deep. I think of my ex husband. He's a very good looking guy but he's such a horrible person i don't even notice. And the reverse can be true as well.
You're a wonderful person and I agree about there being different people for everyone. Not everyone will find each type of person attractive.
I will be following this thread closely because I feel the same way you do. Unfortunately I think it is kind of a circular reference. Guys are attracted to confidence, but then how does one portray confidence when they don't have any?
Yes exactly!!!!!
For me, a big part of this is creating a safer environment for myself. I'm horrible at networking events, because I'm not very confident on my own. So I do much better when I have a few friends around me. Then I'm laughing and having a good time with them, and the strangers around me see me as a confident and happy person.
I may have also been known to fake enjoying the people I was with more than I actually did, so that I would still look from the outside like I was having a good time. It's pretty much just acting. I suffer from resting bitch look, so I sometimes have conscious thoughts like, "This conversation is kind of boring, but I should smile and nod a little more, so it looks like I'm an easy person to talk to."
Post by onedayatatime on Jan 30, 2015 11:31:04 GMT -5
I've been out of touch lately - but so glad I found this thread. This has been my most pressing issue lately as well - and I'm sorry that so many of us feel this way.
I've never had great self esteem - there were just too many things I was teased about growing up to let it go. Height, red hair, big nose. Plus admittedly my high school/college nerdiness didn't give me a great sense of fashion or beauty tips. What little self esteem I had gained crumpled pretty quickly when xh listed as one of his reasons for divorce that he deserved someone attractive/more his equal physically.
I have been working on these feelings with my counselor but don't have much progress so far (it's only been a few weeks since I told her all of this). I can feel confident at work and with knowledge but not about my looks.
The things we are trying now- it's pretty clear I ignore any positive feedback I do receive. So she wants me to write down anything - from a compliment on my shoes to meeting someone new and having the conversation stay friendly. I do admit that it's been hard - when something positive happens I ignore it immediately, but I'm getting better at it.
Also, I am putting more effort into the things I can control - getting rid of non flattering clothes and taking some makeup lessons. If I feel better about my skills, then the rest will follow.
But all of that is just surface level and beauty is so much more than skin deep. I think of my ex husband. He's a very good looking guy but he's such a horrible person i don't even notice. And the reverse can be true as well.
this exactly ! what isn't there to love about a guy who's 6'4" w/ blue eyes and blond hair whose built like an offensive linesman in the NFL ?!?
yeah there's the fact that he's a manipulative control freak w/ addiction issues. no amount of looking attractive can fix that ! I agree, in the end and even to this day .. there is NOTHING about him that I find attractive.
Thanks again all! @soudesafinado that's a good point about maybe not noticing the men who are! I like that spin on things!
Lucy Honeychurch I've tried with the selfies! I'll think oh I look so cute and should take a selfie. Then I take it and I look so ugly and awful that it's not at all what I see in the mirror. Then I'm sure that the selfie is the "real" me and I get super depressed. Any tips for taking better selfies?
Thanks again all! @soudesafinado that's a good point about maybe not noticing the men who are! I like that spin on things!
Lucy Honeychurch I've tried with the selfies! I'll think oh I look so cute and should take a selfie. Then I take it and I look so ugly and awful that it's not at all what I see in the mirror. Then I'm sure that the selfie is the "real" me and I get super depressed. Any tips for taking better selfies?
LOL...this is why I just don't take selfies. I'm never happy with them, so I just prefer to be behind the camera.
Thanks again all! @soudesafinado that's a good point about maybe not noticing the men who are! I like that spin on things!
Lucy Honeychurch I've tried with the selfies! I'll think oh I look so cute and should take a selfie. Then I take it and I look so ugly and awful that it's not at all what I see in the mirror. Then I'm sure that the selfie is the "real" me and I get super depressed. Any tips for taking better selfies?
I'm not a huge selfie taker, but I suggest taking A LOT and you're bound to end up with some cute ones.
Professional photographers take thousands of pictures and only use a couple hundred.
Thanks again all! @soudesafinado that's a good point about maybe not noticing the men who are! I like that spin on things!
Lucy Honeychurch I've tried with the selfies! I'll think oh I look so cute and should take a selfie. Then I take it and I look so ugly and awful that it's not at all what I see in the mirror. Then I'm sure that the selfie is the "real" me and I get super depressed. Any tips for taking better selfies?
I have found that some of my absolute favorite selfies were either in the car or at the park and then I realized that its because its in natural light, especially early morning or around sunset its soft diffused light that makes everyone pretty. I almost always dislike the selfies I take inside. Also, google how to take a great selfie and all kinds of stuff comes up.
Post by shauniemae on Jan 30, 2015 16:10:17 GMT -5
I should possibly be embarrassed by the number of selfies I take...but it's true! Sometimes it takes several of them in the same timeframe to find even one that you like. I'm guilty of thinking that I look great and then go to take a selfie and am like, "oh nope, nevermind!" Then that image gets stuck in my head.
Little mantras, better self-talk, and just positive thinking will hopefully push you in the right direction. It may not be something that you (we) will think all the time, that we look great, but we deserve it! We can fake it until we make it. Having someone else tell you how beautfiul you are is flattering, but doesn't mean as much if we don't agree or believe it, unfortunately. Yes, it gives you a little high, but have to find a way to keep ahold of that for and from ourselves. That's the hard part!
I'm not a huge selfie taker, but I suggest taking A LOT and you're bound to end up with some cute ones.
Professional photographers take thousands of pictures and only use a couple hundred.
I'll be honest - as a pro, I have very few throw away photos. Because I know about lighting & angles & posing & best settings etc.
I am great at selfies. I have often thought about putting together a mini tutorial on finding the light and best angles for selfies, because while I love many of my friends, sometimes I look at their selfies and go "WTF? You are wayyyy better looking than that awful photo."
I worry about the opposite, that I look better in photos than in person. LOL.
I'm not a huge selfie taker, but I suggest taking A LOT and you're bound to end up with some cute ones.
Professional photographers take thousands of pictures and only use a couple hundred.
I'll be honest - as a pro, I have very few throw away photos. Because I know about lighting & angles & posing & best settings etc.
I am great at selfies. I have often thought about putting together a mini tutorial on finding the light and best angles for selfies, because while I love many of my friends, sometimes I look at their selfies and go "WTF? You are wayyyy better looking than that awful photo."
I worry about the opposite, that I look better in photos than in person. LOL.
@bk totally! I think I just figure, well if there is someone prettier than me why would anyone want to bother with me? I am fully aware of how irrational I'm being and I likely just don't have a very inviting look because I"m spending so much time being self-conscious. Uggg. Well I'm definitely going to take some of the advice here. I have a gala tomorrow night for work, so this might be a good space to try and chat up people (just for the sake of chatting, not to like date). I'll be in a space that I feel comfortable with so perhaps that will make a difference.
Generally people bother with other people who aren't 10/10 in the looks department (which is about 99% of us!) because other things about them make them beautiful and attractive. Think about your own friends and the people you love.. are they all physically gorgeous? Probably not, but I bet you love being around them anyway..? If you can stop focusing on your looks and instead focus on just being you, whatever you look like, and being comfortable with that, then your true beauty will show. I think you are a fun, interesting person and if someone falls in love with you, maybe it's your love of football or your love for Paco that will make you 10x more gorgeous in their eyes than you are in your own.
It's so easy to dismiss, but there really is so so much more to a person than what they look like on the outside. Try to think about what makes you you and why your friends rightfully love you. Those are the real things that attract people, but they do take more time to discover than a pretty face or a great body. Do you write people off because they're not as attractive as someone else might be? Do you give them a chance to reveal their beauty? If not, that may also be part of what's holding you back. x
I too feel this way often. I know personally it's from not feeling good enough in other areas of my life
I am recovering from an ed and this past year really learning to love myself.
I know that I see beauty and others and most of the time it's by their actions not by their physical appearance so I would suggest working on finding things that make you feel good I need some hobbies and passions things like that I think it is a lot of work but with time and persistence you can totally change your outlook
@bk totally! I think I just figure, well if there is someone prettier than me why would anyone want to bother with me? I am fully aware of how irrational I'm being and I likely just don't have a very inviting look because I"m spending so much time being self-conscious. Uggg. Well I'm definitely going to take some of the advice here. I have a gala tomorrow night for work, so this might be a good space to try and chat up people (just for the sake of chatting, not to like date). I'll be in a space that I feel comfortable with so perhaps that will make a difference.
Generally people bother with other people who aren't 10/10 in the looks department (which is about 99% of us!) because other things about them make them beautiful and attractive. Think about your own friends and the people you love.. are they all physically gorgeous? Probably not, but I bet you love being around them anyway..? If you can stop focusing on your looks and instead focus on just being you, whatever you look like, and being comfortable with that, then your true beauty will show. I think you are a fun, interesting person and if someone falls in love with you, maybe it's your love of football or your love for Paco that will make you 10x more gorgeous in their eyes than you are in your own.
It's so easy to dismiss, but there really is so so much more to a person than what they look like on the outside. Try to think about what makes you you and why your friends rightfully love you. Those are the real things that attract people, but they do take more time to discover than a pretty face or a great body. Do you write people off because they're not as attractive as someone else might be? Do you give them a chance to reveal their beauty? If not, that may also be part of what's holding you back. x
Ahh this is a good point I forgot, too. I've said before that I don't have any ugly friends. Because, I don't. But I certainly didn't pick my friend for their looks. I picked them because they are great people who I have fun with, get along with, etc and as a result, they are beautiful to me. I notice their strengths and good features, and any flaws kind of fade into the background where I don't notice them. I also don't know how many times a friend has talked about her hot H/BF and I'm like "really?". Lol. She sees him as hot because she loves him, and it really doesn't matter what I or anyone else sees.
I do think you are very pretty, and if you can't believe that, at least I hope it comes through that you're not hideous like you sometimes think! There is no way what you posted in your other post could be considered ugly, by anyone. You're objectively, not.
I posted this in the Fridays Randoms thread, but it it's here as well...
Even though DJ and I talked a bit about our "non-relationship" last weekend I have started wondering again. Wondering if I actaully want more than just a casual thing, but not quite a serious relationship. Is there such an in-between? Kind of going off pdx18's thread about looks, I've never felt pretty/hot/beautiful enough. This makes me wonder why someone would want to be with me and then I think they're probably just with me until someone hot (not hotter since I don't consider myself hot at all) comes along. I know that if someone were to do that, that would make them a shallow ass, but I can't help with that insecurity. I never had someone, in a relationship, tell me I'm beautiful, or even ever really compliment me at all. I think this insecurity makes me doubt and question things, especially when there's a lull in our texting/dates. Like out of sight out of mind, lots of hot chicks taking up his time. Although he did compliment me on Wednesday, and that definitely helped.
I'm not a huge selfie taker, but I suggest taking A LOT and you're bound to end up with some cute ones.
Professional photographers take thousands of pictures and only use a couple hundred.
I'll be honest - as a pro, I have very few throw away photos. Because I know about lighting & angles & posing & best settings etc.
I am great at selfies. I have often thought about putting together a mini tutorial on finding the light and best angles for selfies, because while I love many of my friends, sometimes I look at their selfies and go "WTF? You are wayyyy better looking than that awful photo."
I worry about the opposite, that I look better in photos than in person. LOL.
I'll be honest - as a pro, I have very few throw away photos. Because I know about lighting & angles & posing & best settings etc.
I am great at selfies. I have often thought about putting together a mini tutorial on finding the light and best angles for selfies, because while I love many of my friends, sometimes I look at their selfies and go "WTF? You are wayyyy better looking than that awful photo."
I worry about the opposite, that I look better in photos than in person. LOL.
I need your tutorial. I hate all of my selfies!
I would also use this tutorial. I know nothing except point the iPhone, click and hope I like the result.
I'll be honest - as a pro, I have very few throw away photos. Because I know about lighting & angles & posing & best settings etc.
I am great at selfies. I have often thought about putting together a mini tutorial on finding the light and best angles for selfies, because while I love many of my friends, sometimes I look at their selfies and go "WTF? You are wayyyy better looking than that awful photo."
I worry about the opposite, that I look better in photos than in person. LOL.
I need your tutorial. I hate all of my selfies!
Me too! I don't think I have ever taken a selfie that I really like.
I do basically like myself. I don't think that everything about myself is perfect by any means but I do think that I am attractive. I don't think I am attractive to everyone but I am attractive to enough people. I wouldn't really want to change myself and I like what I have to offer.
I do have some weak points. I used to be incredibly thin with an amazing ass and basically a flat chest. I couldn't keep any weight on even if I ate 20 candy bars but I also had like no boobs. Now, I no longer have a flat stomach, my ass is fine but not as prominent but my breasts went up a few cup sizes in a good way. I now love my boobs but also generally being "soft and feminine". I am now a lot curvier than I was when I was younger. I think that each body type had/has something to offer and I don't sweat it. I just want to be basically healthy. (I am, I'm just curvy and prone to weight gain around my middle which does not thrill me but I don't feel bad about it).
I think that there are many ways to be beautiful and that most people have something to offer. Most people have features that they can play up. It is very true that factors like personality and intelligence can make someone a lot more attractive or unattractive depending on how they use them. There are always going to be some assholes out there, I just think their opinions are irrelevant.