input needed

[spedrunner]

About 2 years ago I ended a relationship with a guy that was the first "healthier" relationship I had had! Great, right? Well the problem was I WAS NOT HEALTHY
I had just been through my divorce and the impact of xh and his addiction, along with my struggle with my own eating disorder ( i relapsed around the time I started dating him)

I was in denial. I hated myself. I hated him. He was kind and sweet, and of course had some things I could not stand. Ovverall he was a great guy.   

I ended things pretty abruptly with him, becuase at the time I didnt knwo how to handle it. I was at a very low point in my life. I convinced myself he didnt care about me or love me, YET i was neglecting the fact that I DIDNT love or care about myself.

I am not upset or regretting my decision to cut it off with him, it was the best and right thing to do, that is not in question. my concern is.......Should I try to talk to him and tell him how I felt/feel, what happened?

He was a great friend. I know he is dating someone else right now. WHen I ended it, i told him i had to bc my Eating disorder was out of control and that it was just not fair to him or me. I do not think he really understood. I just was NOT ready for a relationshiop. I should never had gotten involved bc I hurt him, but I did and I can not take that back

i pretty much told him my reasons and told him it was best we just move on, instead of trying to be friends, etc. Bc at the time, I was very easily swayed and I know I would have let myself go back and forth in the relationship, destroying everything about us, him and me.   

So I just stayed away. Being friends was not in the cards at the moment

The thing is. I miss him.  he was my best friend.  We work together, althoguh he moved to a different school in district so we do not see eachother. I know he is currently in a relationship

I have had almost 2 years to processs this and work on myself, i see now the mistakes I made

I dont want him back or feel jealous over his relationship. That is not my intention. I just want to talk to him, and possibly be friends?

Do you think taht is possible? i am hurting now, but do not want to make things worse than they already are.

I was unable to ever epxress myself clearly before. i can now. I feel stronger.  

Thoughts? Leave it alone? Try to talk to hiim?

[abcdefu]

I'm sorry spedrunner. I could have written this post 6 years ago. I don't know if contacting him would be the right or wrong thing to do. It sounds like you haven't forgiven yourself. You told him the reasons you ended things. You don't have to further justify them.

Are you still in therapy? If so, maybe your counselor can come up with some sort of exercise (Ie: writing him a letter but not sending it) for you to deal with your feelings.

[spedrunner]

here is the post I wrote this morning

coffeechalk.wordpress.com/2015/02/01/to-the-man-who-loved-me/

[mcc]

I would not. It's been two years and he's in another relationship. Unless he's still contacting you to find out more information all this would presumably do is to make you feel better about the situation. The ship has sailed. I've had a lot of "ah ha" moments years after a relationship but they were important for ME, not the other person. I bet he has had some of those as well through processing the breakup himself. This is your issue to get over and isn't about him knowing it or not.

If you really want to lay it out for him, write him a letter explaining it all - but don't send it! This "talking" to him through writing even though it will not be delivered might help. I see that abcdefu just suggested this too!

[Deleted]

I think I'd let it go, even though I know that's hard. It honestly doesn't sound like the way you broke it off was that terrible. It may have been out of the kid for him a bit, but I don't think you did anything wrong or hurtful (well breaking up will always hurt, but this wasn't more hurtful than any others).

I agree with abcdefu that you need to forgive yourself. Also I'm not totally clear how long you dated and the depth of the friendship, but it sounds like he has moved on and the kindest thing to so might be to let him be. This is the unfortunate outcome of taking the risk of dating someone who is a friend. Often times that friendship can't be saved after the relationship ends. But hugs to you. I know this is hard. I also know what a mind fuck EDs are in relationships. Maybe write him a letter and then maybe put "set" those feelings free somehow? Like by putting it in the ocean or a lake? Sometimes those things can make me feel better

[spedrunner]

i beginning to question myself if he was the one for me.....i think it is scaring me. we were together over a year, in the midst of my ED. He made me feel safe, taken care of, tried to support me (although he just did not understand)
He told me i was the love of his life, but i didnt believe him......im wondering if maybe he really did feel that way and it was just me that pushed him away because I was not ready.

im scared if I dont tell him, he or I will never know? im scared if I do tell him he may see it as a ploy to get him back and i genuinly want him to be happy. If he is serious about the girl he is dating i would hate to cause any conflict

[1confused1]

I would leave it alone. If he was contacting you, I'd have a different response but it looks like he has moved on and so should you.

[calle28]

With your update, I would definitely leave it alone. It sounds like you still have feelings for him and want to give the relationship another try now that you are healthier.

That's not fair to him or his relationship. I'm sorry, but you have to let this one go.

I truly believe you will find someone else who you truly are meant to be with. Sometimes "the one who got away" got away for a reason, ya know?

[Deleted]

He very well may have been in love with you. But it doesn't matter now. And you clearly were never in love with him. Not once have you said how happy YOU were or how much he made you laugh or all the great times you had. You felt safe and cared for. Which is nice but I don't think you're missing out on some epic love of your life. Plus it just wasn't meant to be. You can't force love. There will always be questions in your life about how things could have worked out. It's over and you have to let it go. Take comfort in it sounding like he's happy now.

[Deleted]

I agree with the others to leave it alone.  Sometimes things are better left in the past.  I think many of us have people they'd like to have more closure with, but as time passes life goes on and it's not right to interrupt someone else's life so we can "feel better" about what happened back then.  I'm sorry, I know it's hard.  

[abcdefu]

I just want to add: anyone you were dating at a horrible time in your life could have made you feel safe,. It might not be him you are missing, but the security he gave you. Does that make sense?

[spedrunner]

You guys are right. He is in a relationship now If they don't work out between them and I find out in Crossing and maybe I will decide to tell him then

I was happy and I have dated several by after him which I just never felt seats for that connection so I'm beginning to question myself if I made a mistake although I know I didn't because I wasn't ready for it time and now he's with someone else so I guess I need to let it go

[Deleted]

My XH and I split 2 years ago (next week is the anniversary!). I am in another relationship. The absolute LAST thing I would want right now is for my XH to come to me explaining or apologizing for anything or wanting to be friends. Every relationship is different and it sounds like your split was not the same as mine, but I think the general take away is the same - the relationship is over, everyone has moved on, no need to reopen wounds. Not to mention, I doubt his new girlfriend really wants him rehashing past relationships at this point either. That would make me SUPER uncomfortable as the girlfriend. 2 years is a long time and anything that happened then should be let go.

All that said, I think it's awesome that you're in a good place now

[onedayatatime]

Glad you decided not to talk to him - as much as may help you find some closure it wouldn't be fair to him after he moved on.

It's hard - but I think everyone has decisions they made, friendships or boyfriends they let go and have regrets about. The what ifs can be debilitating. But I try to remind myself that I made that decision at the moment for a reason and without knowing where the path would lead. Those reasons were valid , however it turns out.

[spedrunner]

Just an update

thank nj god I did not say anything because two days after my pitiful thoughts about wanting someone that wasn't right for me,  those feelings were gone.  Thank god I did not open up a can if worms!  Thanks for helping me stay strong.  I realize I never have to settle again.  

[stephreloaded]

I'm glad you didn't contact him. I think it is indeed normal to have those feelings but I also think that trying to contact someone after such a long time is a little selfish. The other person has already moved on and it would not be fair to bring up things from the past.