Does your family/his family know?

[MrsMB]

This message brought to you by the fact that DH told his Mom over the weekend that he was getting checked at the Urologist on Monday and WHY he was getting checked. I'm strangely OK with this....

So, a poll. (I think we may have added people since we discussed this last....maybe?)

1. Does your family know you're trying? Why/why Not?

2. Does HIS family know you're trying? Why/Why Not?

[MrsMB]

1. Does your family know you're trying? Why/why Not? My family does not know. My Mom and I have an OK relationship, but we are not close in that regard. In general, I have preferred to keep this area of my life just between my husband and I. I think that it's sacred and private...so for me, it's my preference. However, my Dad might accidentally know...I was sending someone from GBCN a Facebook message and accidentally sent it to my Dad. (You haven't lived till you have done that). Fortunately, it had lots of SA/DH/random acronyms. When I saw what happened and freaked out...he said (read "claimed") he didn't understand it. Regardless, I want to keep them in the dark for now. I also don't want them telling my siblings...who have had zero trouble getting pregnant. I don't want them feeling sorry for us and our journey. My SIL, who I have a strained relationship with, had twins without even trying.....like they were literally talking about being one-and-done when she found out she was already pregnant. Now, there are a few circumstances where I would consider saying something....but I hope it doesn't come to that..nor do I want to think about it. 

2. Does HIS family know you're trying? Why/Why Not? See above. His Mom now knows. This is OK for now. I DON'T want his Dad knowing. I firmly believe his Dad was sent here on a time machine from the 1950's. He has other personality quirks I'm not a huge fan of. Needless to say, I'd rather him not imparting his opinion on the situation. MIL and FIL don't discuss everything under the sun.....It's a long story as to why....but I don't think she's going to run and tell him. I don't want DH's siblings knowing about it. His confirmed bachelor brother and hot mess sisters aren't people I want to know about this. 

[swiftlyirun]

1. Does your family know you're trying? Why/why Not? No, they have too many opinions as it is. I don't need someone who got KU on accident telling me how things work. Oh and my mom is just WAY to nosy in general. The constant hounding wouldn't stop until BFP.

2. Does HIS family know you're trying? Why/Why Not? No, they have too many opinions as it is. I don't need someone who got KU on accident telling me how things work. It's like just ASKING that they give us MORE CD's on DTD....lawd.

 

[Mushe]

1. Does your family know you're trying? Why/why Not?
Yes, and they know everything. I'm really close with my mom and sister, and really needed their support through the two losses.


2. Does HIS family know you're trying? Why/Why Not?
Yes, they know we're trying, but ask no questions. Honestly, their reaction to my first loss has basically destroyed my relationship with my MIL. She told me once that she was sorry, but hasn't asked me since how I'm doing. I didn't tell her about the second loss or that we're doing testing. I feel completely unsupported by her.

[EllenGriswold]

1. My sister knew we were trying and knew about our pg and mc. But she thinks we stopped trying about 5-6 months ago for timing reasons. My mom knows nothing. I know I'm getting closer to the point where I decide to tell her, but not there yet. And since we are about to start treatment there's a part of me that's hoping it will work fairly quickly and then I can avoid this conversation. I don't think I'll have such a hard time discussing it though once we actually get pregnant again.
I did tell a couple of friends when we started trying over a year ago, and they haven't brought it up so I'm thinking they may also assume we are having issues.

2. My H's parents do know about our mc, I had to avoid some family things this summer because I was having a really hard time dealing with it and he thought he should tell them. I'm not sure I really wanted him to, but I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not be discussing it with them ever so they haven't ever brought it up. I'm assuming they think we are still trying, although I have no way of knowing, and they do not know about our issues or potential treatment.

I think for me it's a little bit harder to talk about because I'm not sure how much I can/should say about our actual problem, i.e. H's sperm. I know he wouldn't want people to know that, but I also get mad when people just assume infertility is a female problem. And I don't want people "expecting" a pregnancy announcement or giving me sad eyes because they feel sorry for me.
Honestly, I think if people knew, I would be ok with it, but I really don't want to be the person who has that conversation with them, that's what I"m avoiding.

[daisy]

My mom knows we don't use any form of birth control. This came from the fact that I kind of went crazy the last year I was on the pill and confided in her. I don't talk to her about TTC.

His family does not know. They would be over the moon excited but I'm afraid my MIL would ask me every month if there was a baby yet.

Maybe if we hit 1 year of TTC we'll open up.

[shauni27]

I decided to finally tell my parents because I am feeling so depressed and scared and sick of them making comments about me never having children. I need all of the support I can get, so yes, they know. ETA: it has also been almost 2 years of TTC for us and we have started treatments, which to me felt like the point where I was ok telling them.

Per H's request, his family does not know yet, although I told them if he felt comfortable he could tell them with the stipulation that A) they cannot tell extended family AT ALL and B) that they cannot discuss it with me (talk about awkward!). He is just not one for airing his issues with other people and he felt uncomfortable at first that I even told my family, but I think he is ok with it now.

[HoneySpider]

Pretty sure everyone on the face of the planet knows.

But before the pregnancy/loss/being so public with our journey we did not tell people. We didn't want questions/advice/anticipation/whatever else from anyone. Now that everyone knows we want kids, it's not an option. We generally tell both sides of the family what's going on.

People are pretty good about giving us space and not hounding us or being overly invasive or anything. I find it tough with my parents because my brother and SIL already have one, have been trying for a 2nd, and I feel like they are stuck in the middle of being happy for them but also knowing it's hard for us.  

[kellikans]

both my parents and his parents know we're trying and that it's been over a year. I've wavered on whether to tell my mom and sister that we're doing treatments. I have a great relationship with them, but my sister got pregnant with her first IUI and we're now on our third. I just don't want to have them expecting that it'll be easy and that it'll work right away, because it hasn't. we haven't been the lucky ones. and now that we're further into treatment, I don't know if there is ever a good time to tell them now. maybe if we have to go the IVF route I'll tell them.

as far as I know, my IL's don't know about treatments. DH claims that he hasn't told them, but he did get an email from his mom talking about urologists and infertility, so no clue. I told him that I didn't want him telling his mom, but I don't know what they talk about most of the time, so they may know.

[raangoli]

No one knew we were trying and when we were successful, we shared the early news with both families. But sadly, a few weeks later we had to tell them about the mmc. So I assume that they assume we are trying again, but it is not talked about. I am totally fine with that.

[pantaloons55]

1. Does your family know you're trying? Why/why Not? Yes. We got married and the inevitable questions started, we're in our 30s after all. At the time I kept it simple that we wanted kids, but was intentionally vague about it. I didn't tell them when we started TTC (5 months after the wedding). However, I told my parents and bro about our pregnancy (and subsequent) loss pretty much right away. We're very close and I have appreciated their support. It looks like the rest of the immediate family will know too to head off some questions as they are innocent, but now will be hurtful. I learned that the hard way with Grandpa this weekend, and he was so upset that he made me cry --unintentionally of course. Bah. But so far they have all been great. My Mom has actually been the worst with the platitudes, but I know its coming from the best possible place, and is not intended to hurt so I'm gently trying to maneuver though that.

2. Does HIS family know you're trying? Why/Why Not? Sort of. MIL knows as we told her about the pregnancy/loss. FIL & SMIL know nothing. We're not close with FIL, and had decided to wait to tell about the pregnancy. Since we lost it, we decided not to bother saying anything since we rarely see them anyway. SIL hasn't spoken to us (or any of the family) since our wedding in July after some sort of fall-out with MIL, so that's a whole other drama. Obviously we've said nothing to her as we're not close. 

[belle55]

Feb 10, 2015 14:41:20 GMT -5 MrsMB said:

1. Does your family know you're trying? Why/why Not?

2. Does HIS family know you're trying? Why/Why Not?

1. No. This would be the first grand baby, and my parents are in their mid 60s. I know they would love to be grandparents and have been so great about not being pushy, so I don't want them to get excited before they should get excited, you know? I just don't want the added pressure of them knowing we're trying and waiting for an announcement. My mom had some IF issues of her own, so I have thought about sharing with her about my m/c, but I'm just not ready yet.

2. Absolutely not. I am not on the best terms with my ILs and really don't want to discuss my personal life with them and endure the questions and judgement. I'm sure they have already assumed that we are and I don't want to make them feel justified in their nosiness.

[rt2008]

My mom and sister know we are. And a few of my close friends. We're trying for #2 of that makes a difference and we started trying last summer. I only recently told them, though, after our third early loss. H's family does not know.

[callmehales]

Feb 10, 2015 16:13:25 GMT -5 semay said:

Absolutely not. Having them know would just add more unnecessary pressure, and I would have to field constant questions about the state of the ute, which would embarrass the hell out of me. We also feel that (for us) this is a very private and personal matter, and neither of us can imagine sharing with our families. Apparently, internet strangers is another story.

ditto all of this.

i kept it to myself originally because i didn't think it would take long, and i wanted my parents to be surprised.

granted, now that my sister is PG i'm sure it's inevitable i'll have to tell them.  because i can't get away with not being happy for her without seeming like a huge bitch.

i'm superficially close with my mom, but her reaction in the past with some stuff in my life, ie breaking up with a former best friend and her not in ANY way understanding why i couldn't just let her shitty behavior go, makes me not feel super great about her reaction.  OR she'll go the opposite way and be wayyyy too upset about it.

[loira]

Before our losses neither of our families knew. We are both very private people and even though we're close with our parents, it just wasn't something we were comfortable sharing with them.

Now, my family knows about all the losses and our recent referral to the miscarriage clinic.

His family only knows about the ectopic and the TFMR. His mum announced my pregnancy with V to his brother and sister before we were ready to tell 'more than the parents', so even though she's lovely and so nice, I just don't feel comfortable telling his parents about our recent miscarriages because I don't trust them to keep it secret.

I struggle a lot with the fact that something I consider so private has become somewhat public by virtue of our circumstances (emergency surgery for the ectopic and I was obviously quite far along for the TFMR). Our families have been incredibly supportive though.

[loira]

Feb 10, 2015 17:23:05 GMT -5 callmehales said:

ditto all of this.

i kept it to myself originally because i didn't think it would take long, and i wanted my parents to be surprised.

granted, now that my sister is PG i'm sure it's inevitable i'll have to tell them.  because i can't get away with not being happy for her without seeming like a huge bitch.

i'm superficially close with my mom, but her reaction in the past with some stuff in my life, ie breaking up with a former best friend and her not in ANY way understanding why i couldn't just let her shitty behavior go, makes me not feel super great about her reaction.  OR she'll go the opposite way and be wayyyy too upset about it.

I really hope she reacts well, Hales. I hate it when people make your problem all about themselves. Maybe you should send her the article on the circles of kvetching? articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

[MrsMB]

Feb 10, 2015 17:32:12 GMT -5 loira said:

Feb 10, 2015 17:23:05 GMT -5 callmehales said:

ditto all of this.

i kept it to myself originally because i didn't think it would take long, and i wanted my parents to be surprised.

granted, now that my sister is PG i'm sure it's inevitable i'll have to tell them.  because i can't get away with not being happy for her without seeming like a huge bitch.

i'm superficially close with my mom, but her reaction in the past with some stuff in my life, ie breaking up with a former best friend and her not in ANY way understanding why i couldn't just let her shitty behavior go, makes me not feel super great about her reaction.  OR she'll go the opposite way and be wayyyy too upset about it.

I really hope she reacts well, Hales. I hate it when people make your problem all about themselves. Maybe you should send her the article on the circles of kvetching? articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407

Can I share this artcile with every person I know? That is fantastic. 

[sierramist03]

I'd assume both our families knew since we had a MMC in October but I'm not sure if they are or not that we are still trying.

[tiptoetulips]

Both of our families know. They are great about being supportive and not pushy. I'm glad we are open with them it makes everything much easier.

[mac08]

My parents and sister know basically everything.  My MIL knows we want to have kids, But I don't  think she knows how long we've been trying or anything.  I know my H hasn't said anything to her.  However, my mother mentioned something casually to her, after I had my HSG, something along the lines of my test went well.  My mom said my MIL sort of went along with it and acted like she knew what my mom was talking about but didn't ask questions or anything.  Needless to say, I was really annoyed at my Mom because trouble TTC is not something I am comfortable discussing with MIL.  She got pregnant easily, and so did my SIL, her daughter.  I sometimes wonder what she thinks about how long we are "waiting" (in her mind that's probably what we are doing).  She must think we are getting too old, as we are turning 32 this year.  I say this because when my SIL had her second baby at 28, my MIL said she hoped it was her last one because SIL was getting "older", LOL

[mskitkat]

1) My family knows. My diet changes off the pill, and they I'm not going off the pill unless I'm ttc. There was really no hiding it. Also, I asked my mom to put me getting pregnant in her Christmas novena.

2) DH's brother and brother's wife know. They are both doctors, and I'm comfortable asking SiL questions. DH's parents do NOT know. I do not have a good relationship with MiL, and I don't want to deal with the inevitable comments and criticisms.

[mandiespharm]

My sister does and she knows most of the issues that we have been having. I think that my mother and DH's mother assume but none of them really know the full extent of what is going on. I feel like telling them would make both of our mothers way too involved and the incessant asking would not end. As it is now I get the question "anything new??" all the time and I hate dealing with it. I wonder if it would make things easier if I tell them but I doubt that they would lay off. The questions would probably be more annoying and obnoxious than ever.

[july]

No. We don't tell anyone that we are trying. We both think it is something weird to tell people and don't find any benefit from in telling people.

That said, we did tell our parents about the loss. We told ILs so they could watch D. H told me to tell my parents. My mom seemed bothered that we did not tell them that we were pregnant before that. We were planning to tell family after the ultrasound. She said she was processing two things now so it was harder. I didn't know how I would feel after a loss. I do appreciate telling my mom since they came down and helped around the house and my mom had some good things to say about her experience. I found it awkward around my ILs because they didn't know how to respond since they never experienced a loss.

[macmars45]

1. My family knows. All 4 sisters as well as my parents. They're super supportive and not in our business all the time asking if I'm pregnant yet.

2. H's family doesn't know. H doesn't want them to know. They assume things and get carried away in their assumptions so it becomes their truth. Example: H told his mom he'd started dating me (after date 3) and she immediately assumed we were engaged. She was convinced. It was weird. 

[awick14]

1. Yes, they didn't know until we had or second BFP, which ended at 15 weeks. They know about all of our struggles now and it will probably stay that way, unless I get too nervous, because I feel like I am letting people down when I tell them now.

2. They do, but they probably won't know about the next BFP until later on because they get to sad and depressed about "their" loss each time and it drives me crazy. (I know it is a loss for them as well but I can't stand it when they put their feelings over mine and act like they have more right to morn then I do.)

[grover]

1. Yes. After a few not so subtle hints that they are ready to become grandparents, I blurted out that I want nothing more to be a mom and that we'd been trying unsuccessfully. It also came up when I asked my mom if she had had TTTC, which she hadn't (had two singles and a set of twins). More recently, we're trying to plan a vacation with them, so we were upfront that we'd plan as if we are going, but for them to be prepared that we may have to cancel per company policies if I do land up getting knocked up before the trip.

2. No, but they may have guessed it, because at one point in the last ~2 years my mother kept shoving vitamins at me (a brand I hated) and I let her know that I was taking the free prenatals offered by my insurance company. She responded "Are you trying to announce something?" to which I responded that no, but the're free, and that my dr suggested them when I went off the pill. Though they've never brought it up again in front of H (she did mention in front of me when we ran into one of her friends at the grocery store two Thanksgivings ago, when both pointedly told the other they were wanting grandkids immediately, with me standing awkwardly to the side.

[Deleted]

1. The only person in my family who knows is my older sister. If my mom was still alive, I would have told her. I'm already a bit of an anxious person and don't feel comfortable telling anyone else because I don't want to feel like I am disappointing them when I don't have an announcement to make.

2. No. My inlaws are a bit crazy and I don't feel close enough to tell them.

There are grandchildren on both sides already so I rarely get asked if/when we will have a baby, which makes things easier.

[oneslybookworm]

1. Does your family know you're trying? Why/why Not? - My family knows that we are "if it happens, it happens."  They have no idea that we're going to an RE, looking at fertility treatments, or that we've been diagnosed with unexplained IF.  I have no desire for them to know, either.  My relationship has been strained with my mother ever since we repatriated from the NL, and my dad doesn't remember who I am half the time (he has Parkinson's and Alzheimers).  I'm not close with any of my siblings, so pretty much no one has any idea how long we've been going through this or the problems we're having.  

2. Does HIS family know you're trying? Why/Why Not? - I don't think so?  Honestly, I don't talk to DH's parents often, but DH might have said something.  As long as no one talks to me about it, I'm totally fine if they know.

[Deleted]

1. My parents know we're trying. I tell my mom most things, but now of course she's getting a bit intrusive with her suggestions of various teas I should drink to boost my fertility. Being Russian, she said that the Russian czars would drink ginger tea lol. What bothers me is that she says it's my fault I didn't get pregnant yet because I'm full of "toxins," which is a whole other ball of wax with her.

2. My in-laws know now too. I tried to keep it from them for as long as I could, but two months ago MIL asked H straight out if we plan to ever have kids. So now she's excited. But she thinks we *just* started trying. She doesn't know that it's been a year and a half now.

[Susie]

1. Does your family know you're trying? Why/why Not?  Yes, at least my parents do.  My mom is in an unwinnable battle with ovarian cancer, and I am hoping she lives to see grandkids.  Even though she has never pushed on the subject, in some weird way I wanted her to know we were trying to make it happen.  I assume she has told my dad.  It was also helpful to have her gently suggest to my brother and his Fi that maybe asking me to be their running-around-everywhere, take-charge day-of coordinator for their 10/2015 wedding was not a great call because I may either have an infant (that ship has sailed) or be heavily pregnant at the wedding (still possible).

2. Does HIS family know you're trying? Why/Why Not?  No.  It's kind of "need to know" basis, and I'd rather not have the pressure unless there's a reason for it.