cuddlyevil, it will change for a little and right back to the same thing.
tiramisu, no we haven't. And I am not sure he would be willing to talk to a third party. This has also never been mentioned before, so I don't really know.
I know last year at my annual I talked to PA about switching birth control and haven't gotten around to changing it. Currently on the pill and I am scared to switch because the pill also helps with the cramps. They are bad while one it, and the times I am off of it, they are almost unbarable and we would need to figure out what to do about the cramps.
sparksfly I think you are hanging in to the issue because you weren't mad, you were hurt. Imo it is a lot easier to get over anger than hurt. I know I would still be holding on to it in the back of my head. It sounds like this is just the tip of the deeper issue. The longer it goes on without resolve the harder it is to fix.
cuddlyevil, it will change for a little and right back to the same thing.
tiramisu, no we haven't. And I am not sure he would be willing to talk to a third party. This has also never been mentioned before, so I don't really know.
I know last year at my annual I talked to PA about switching birth control and haven't gotten around to changing it. Currently on the pill and I am scared to switch because the pill also helps with the cramps. They are bad while one it, and the times I am off of it, they are almost unbarable and we would need to figure out what to do about the cramps.
Is it your libido that needs fixing or a lack of non-sexual physical intimacy?
Muddled, I am sure my libidio isn't helping anything. I know that over the summer there was a month and a half where I was off the pill and I noticed a difference. Sadly, due the unplanned pregnancy and the following miscarriage, I was too gun shy to want to have sex. (Actually it happened once and it was great) And I am still having some issues with being scared of another unplanned pregnancy, he undertands this and when I am in my fertile window the agreement is that condoms will be used too.
sparksfly I know it can be hard. I went off oral contraceptives entirely because they killed my libido AND my ability to orgasm. It sounds like there's more to it though.
I want to share part of what I realized, in retrospect, about things with my ex. I realized that part of what killed my seed drive was that it felt like almost all physical contact was driven towards the end goal of sex and that he wasn't just doing it because he loved me, to show affection. When I looked into it deeper I realized that I felt like the only time I ever had his full attention was when he was trying for, or getting, sex. It was a symptom of a deeper issue that he and I needed to resolve. I'm not saying any of this applies in your situation, just using mine to illustrate the point that sometimes there are deeper issues and they can be hard to uncover without help.
Post by cuddlyevil on Feb 20, 2015 10:47:03 GMT -5
Piggybacking on what tiramisu said, sparksfly my stbx was a "There, it's fixed/she's happy/not upset anymore, I can go back to the old ways now." kind of a guy too. Counseling might help him see that is a factor.
Post by partiallysunny on Feb 20, 2015 10:48:55 GMT -5
"seed drive" hehehe
I'll be honest. I still don't get it. But I'm a person who gets my hair did/new dress/whatever, comes home, and goes "what do you think?!". I don't wait to be noticed and get hurt when I'm not.
I really think it's a sign of a deeper issue, sparksfly.
tiramisu, what you said makes sense. And I think to some extent, that is how I feel sometimes. He swears up and down that isn't the case. A lot of times the extra attention and touches are the same as when he is trying to have sex. I think I need to better explain that to him. Hard to tell when him smacking my ass/kissing my neck, ect. is him trying to get laid or him just doing it in a playful way, just wanted to show you some extra attention type of thing.
sparksfly, I think it's telling that you are trying to decipher what is the motive behind a kiss on the neck. I would always just assume it's plain old affection and it doesn't mean any more or any less than that. You've got things going on in your head that you need to sort out.
Also, I understand pulling away after a m/c. Sex is hard for me, too, at that point. How long has it been?
cuddlyevil, no I didn't. We weren't trying to get pregnant it took a while before I realized I was late. Right around the time I was due for my period, I had had a coloposcopy, and just thought the lack of, very slight period was due to stress from the procedure. I finally POAS, realized I was pregnant and when I went to the doctor to confirm, found out I was miscarrying. I never had a chance to wrap my head around the fact I was pregnant and didn't really know how to feel about it. I know there are women out there who have been trying to get pregnant and have been through numerous miscarriages and I feel like a cold hearted bitch for having not been broken up by it. There have been times when it will catch me off guard and I will cry, and if H happens to be around when I have a breakdown he just sits there an holds me while I cry.
And yes, I know there is a lot of it that is in my head. That is why under normal circumstance, when he puts forth the effort of lighting candles and everything I go with it. Stuff like that is out of the ordinary for him. And I appreciate it when he does stuff like that.
Ok, doll. I say this with love- and as someone who has lost a very much wanted pregnancy. It's beyond time to deal with this. Your words (not broken up by it) and your actions (avoiding sex, spontaneously crying) don't match up. It's ok to feel however you feel, but you need to identify what that actually is and deal with it. You can feel upset. You can feel relieved. You can feel angry. You can feel conflicted. You can feel all of these things. Recognize your feelings. Accept them. Let it be a part of you and a part of your past and move forward. Seeing a therapist may help you work through this. Hugs.
Eta: Expect the first few anniversaries to hit you hard and prepare for that- the due date, the year mark, etc.
Muddled, I know that the anniversaries will be rough. The due date I was ok, BUT I couldn't for the life of my why I was in such a funk at work recently. It hit me, I wasn't supposed to be here I should/could have been on maternity leave. I am expecting June to be rough. A friend of mine on facebook had a baby a few weeks ago, I would have been due the week before her. Watching her pregnancy progrees, I was ok. I think it might have been that someone was having the pregnancy they wanted.
And the avoiding sex is the fear of getting pregnant again before we are ready. And conflicted is the best answer ever. I think in my head, I don't want to let myself be sad over it, because it wasn't wanted. I really do think I need to talk to someone about this. This is the first time in a long time I have really talked about it for a while and I am sitting at my desk crying. I think this is the first time I was forced to face a lot of these feelings. I do have people IRL that I can talk to, but I think I might need more professional help.
What type of therapist/counselor would you ladies reccommend?
Post by starrieskies on Feb 20, 2015 12:12:44 GMT -5
sparksfly it's ok to be sad. I had a miscarriage when ds was 3. It was an unexpected pregnancy, and truthfully it would have been very unfair to bring another child into that situation. But I was still sad... you need to allow yourself to be sad if that's how you feel. It's ok, and understandable to be sad, angry, scared, and any number of other emotions often at the same time. But if you don't allow yourself to feel them you can't really heal.
Everyone has their own struggles. They're not comparable to your struggles, because everyone deals with things differently. My own personal hell may seem like a cake walk to someone else. But it's MY hell, not theirs and their feelings do not negate mine.
Post by cuddlyevil on Feb 20, 2015 12:14:53 GMT -5
sparksfly, look for one who specializes in grief (if they work with women/families who've experienced losses, that would be perfect). They'll help you work through everything in a safe way.
It's ok to feel sad about it, planned or not. You suffered a loss. That in itself is worthy of mourning.
I would look for someone who specializes in depression. tiramisu may have better advice for you.
Is it the pregnancy you are avoiding or the opportunity for loss? (you don't have to share your answer, but it's a question worth exploring)
If it's just pregnancy (though I suspect it runs deeper), would doubling up on bc help you to feel better about sex? Pill + condom, pill + withdrawal, pill + charting. Or you may feel more secure with an IUD.
Muddled, I think it is both. And yes, there is back up. I am on the pill and I have an app so that I can track and during my fertile time, there are condoms. So, I guess I am using three forms of BC. When my annual rolls around in April, I will have another discussion with my PA about an IUD. I will probably feel a lot better with that.
cuddlyevil, starrieskies, Muddled and tiramisu and everyone else thank you. As much as I am not enjoying crying at my desk, I needed to get this out and you awesome ladies helped me realize that. (kiss)
Muddled, I think it is both. And yes, there is back up. I am on the pill and I have an app so that I can track and during my fertile time, there are condoms. So, I guess I am using three forms of BC. When my annual rolls around in April, I will have another discussion with my PA about an IUD. I will probably feel a lot better with that.
cuddlyevil, starrieskies, Muddled and tiramisu and everyone else thank you. As much as I am not enjoying crying at my desk, I needed to get this out and you awesome ladies helped me realize that. (kiss)
You are actually temping, right? Otherwise, the tracking is all for naught.
Muddled, I think it is both. And yes, there is back up. I am on the pill and I have an app so that I can track and during my fertile time, there are condoms. So, I guess I am using three forms of BC. When my annual rolls around in April, I will have another discussion with my PA about an IUD. I will probably feel a lot better with that.
cuddlyevil, starrieskies, Muddled and tiramisu and everyone else thank you. As much as I am not enjoying crying at my desk, I needed to get this out and you awesome ladies helped me realize that. (kiss)
You are actually temping, right? Otherwise, the tracking is all for naught.
Take care of yourself.
Nope. I will generally go a few days more in each direction of what apps says to be safer.