Therapy for toddler to learn self regulation?

[mcfelix]

Ok so I didn't know how to word the title but here goes. We met with DS's head teacher at his school/daycare. He has been biting a lot lately (which he had an issue with months ago but apparently it has resurfaced). He also doesn't know how to play with the other kids. He will just take their toys and then get mad when the other kid gets mad. For example, he pushed a girl off a bike. She said my bike, got back on, and then he bit her. He is 19 months old. They are recommending therapy. I read the articles they gave us about toddler self regulation and I didn't get much out if it other than kids develop differently.

Has anyone taken their toddler to therapy for this? What can they do to help? I am just heartbroken. I was crying during our conference with his teacher and then all out sobbing afterward. He is such a happy kid at home but he also doesn't need to share with anyone here. So it's hard to hear that your kid is the bad one. (Not that she said that and his teacher said everyone has issues, blah blah blah). Anyway, looking for anyone's experiences or suggestions. The only thing I've done so far is order a chewy you off amazon that the visiting therapist recommended. (His school has therapists come in to observe when the teachers think there might be an issue).

[lilac05]

Your kid is NOT the bad one! He's the one that the teacher identifies to have potential struggles that may be beyond his current ability to control. That's MUCH different than thinking a child is a bad kid. (Which is a totally different soapbox of mine...I'll spare you that one for now!) I'm guessing the teacher knows the value of early intervention, has a great relationship with a therapist who has been able to help kids learn these skills before, and wants your child to learn these strategies NOW, instead of waiting until he has several more years to build behavioral habits.

I understand why you're upset, and I think that's an absolutely normal response. I would imagine you feel in shock right now. You've never really seen him in these settings, so you've never seen these behaviors. (By the way, that's probably a good thing, meaning he's better at self-regulating in some settings than others!)

Repeat after me: He is NOT bad. He is NOT naughty. He is 19 months old and just trying out how to navigate his world. Some kids pick this up more easily than others. The therapist is simply a teacher to help him navigate through these skills.

Oh...and he may be evaluated & you may find the teacher has unrealistic expectations given his age.

[mcfelix]

Thanks lilac05. It really is upsetting to hear, which I told his teacher. But I do trust her judgment, and that if she thinks early intervention would help, it's probably a good idea.

I think I'll see if we can get him evaluated by another therapist because I'm just a little uneasy of using the therapist that has a business relationship with the school he attends.

[ssmjlm]

Ok I've read your OP a few times and I'm still stuck on one thing. He's only 19m. E is 22m and the kids in her class are all working on sharing and compassion. It's not a skill I would expect a ton from a kid that age.

Not saying the daycare is off, but I mean, aren't you paying them to teach these skills and come up with ways to work on them?

[Brie]

Feb 26, 2015 22:15:00 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

Ok I've read your OP a few times and I'm still stuck on one thing. He's only 19m. E is 22m and the kids in her class are all working on sharing and compassion. It's not a skill I would expect a ton from a kid that age.

Not saying the daycare is off, but I mean, aren't you paying them to teach these skills and come up with ways to work on them?

I agree. Those sound like lofty expectations of a 19m old.

That was prime biting age in C's classroom--they all want soooo badly to be able to express themselves but just don't have the language yet and they get frustrated. I found that who was the class biter rotated on a regular basis.

[lilac05]

Is it a private therapist or someone who works for Early Intervention? If it's EI, they're paid salary, regardless of caseload. If it's private, it would be a really shady thing to do (& actually a good way to lose her license), but I suppose it could happen. Usually therapists have jam-packed caseloads and are not looking for more business, but have a genuine desire to help everyone who could benefit from their services.

[pippa]

He is NOT a bad kid. I fell into that rabbit hole too, but our director called me to reassure me that this is totally normal behavior for this age. I'm surprised the school is being so harsh. Our director (who usually rules with a very hard line) says it happens every year in the toddler program and it's very normal.

How verbal is he? We were/are having a very similar problem with G. He and your DS are just a month apart.  He was biting in the same situation - when he gets mad or wants a toy that someone else has. It's gotten better with increased language skills, but he still has some issues. Something that helped us a lot was that the teacher keeps a running list of attempts/actual bites. It helped us determine when he was biting. Then I tried to recreate similar experiences at home because like you guys he doesn't have to share at home.

PM me if you want to talk more! I just went through the really tough time with biting a month ago and he's gotten SO much better. I just feel like therapy is such a bizarre step at this point for him.

[mcfelix]

Thanks ssmjlm and @brie. He is either the youngest or 2nd youngest in his class. There are 7 kids total (two kids split one spot) and I think the oldest one turns 2 in April.

[mcfelix]

Feb 26, 2015 22:20:25 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

Is it a private therapist or someone who works for Early Intervention? If it's EI, they're paid salary, regardless of caseload. If it's private, it would be a really shady thing to do (& actually a good way to lose her license), but I suppose it could happen. Usually therapists have jam-packed caseloads and are not looking for more business, but have a genuine desire to help everyone who could benefit from their services.

It's a private therapist. This practice has some relationship with the school (private school, they go from 6 weeks to 12th grade, but split into a few different schools under one umbrella). So they will observe as part of the services the school provides, but any therapy that stems from that is at the family's cost if we decide to pursue it.

[curbsideprophet]

Feb 26, 2015 22:20:49 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Therapy?
Well, I'm thinking your kid sounds very normal for his age.

This where I am at.

[mcfelix]

Thanks pippa! I will probably PM you later after I've had time to calm down and process this.

[lilac05]

And I agree with others that nothing presented here necessarily strikes me as inappropriate for his age. I'm basing my thoughts on the fact that the teachers and therapists work with kids all day and *might* see something that they'd like to further investigate. Frequency, intensity, duration, and context are so important with this kind of stuff. I don't know any 19 month old who shares really well 100% of the time, but I do know that there is a range of what is age appropriate and what isn't. I can't really put it into words, but I usually know it when I see it...and I'm thinking this is where the teacher and therapist are coming from.

It sounds like they're just trying to look for ways to help him learn alternative ways of dealing with frustration aside from biting.

[lilac05]

I've been a private therapist with a relationship with the school, and I would have never gone fishing for inappropriate referrals. It SHOULDN'T happen, but neither should a lot of things in life.

Since he's already there, I'd say to have them do the free evaluation and see what they say. THEN, if they recommend therapy, get a second opinion before pursuing therapy with the private therapist.

Is this an OT or an SLP? How are his language skills? If it's an SLP eval, they'll do objective evaluations (largely based on your input) that will make his needs (or lack thereof) much more objective. You can't enroll a kid in therapy on the grounds of "he doesn't share & he bites kids." You have to justify it by saying there is an X% or Y month delay. I'm sure OT is similar, but I have no experience there.

Ugh...I'm just sick to my stomach thinking that a therapist would be this shady. It's against our code of ethics and a serious violation.

[greycat]

This seems like very normal toddler behavior unless there is more to the story. DS turns 2 next week and is very verbal. A couple of weeks ago he bit another child (because they pushed him). His teachers weren't concerned and felt it was normal behavior.

I also find it a little weird that the school is recommending a private therapist that they have financial ties to.

[MamaMaui24]

At DS' school, sharing is not even expected until the 3-5 yo class. Under 3 is too young. And most kids don't know how to play with others at that age either. Hugs, mcfelix. He's not a bad kid!

[chickens987]

Everyone else has said what I'm thinking, so I'll just give you hugs.

(Anecdote) our friends' son had aggression issues at his daycare. But he was 3, and it was directed at adults as well. After consulting with a behavioral therapist, they changed daycares and he's been fine since. He's not a bad kid, it just wasn't the right environment for him.

[mcfelix]

I really appreciate all the feedback here. Very much. I do feel like there is more to the story than what DH and I have heard from his teacher. Like there has to be for her to suggest we might want to consider therapy. DH is going to talk to the therapist that observed him at school (I told him I don't think I could get through the conversation without crying). We'll see if she can give us more details - I specifically said to the teacher that I don't understand how this is different from typical toddler behavior. Also I'm sure I'm not taking this as well since I'm pregnant and like ahh why are we having another child when we are having issues with the one we already have!

[dulcemariamar]

Feb 27, 2015 7:23:35 GMT -5 mcfelix said:

I really appreciate all the feedback here. Very much. I do feel like there is more to the story than what DH and I have heard from his teacher. Like there has to be for her to suggest we might want to consider therapy. DH is going to talk to the therapist that observed him at school (I told him I don't think I could get through the conversation without crying). We'll see if she can give us more details - I specifically said to the teacher that I don't understand how this is different from typical toddler behavior. Also I'm sure I'm not taking this as well since I'm pregnant and like ahh why are we having another child when we are having issues with the one we already have!

Oh, no (((hugs))) i hate to see you feel this way. Unless there is a more to this story is just sounds like normal toddler behavior. It is almost funny that they think he needs therapy. I hope you get answers soon.

[auntie]

Feb 26, 2015 22:28:53 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Feb 26, 2015 22:24:12 GMT -5 mcfelix said:

It's a private therapist. This practice has some relationship with the school (private school, they go from 6 weeks to 12th grade, but split into a few different schools under one umbrella). So they will observe as part of the services the school provides, but any therapy that stems from that is at the family's cost if we decide to pursue it.

I'm just thinking UH how interesting that they call you in to tell your 19 mo old biter needs 'therapy' and refer you to a therapist that they have a financial tie in with.  

I second this.

Especially since your child could have a free evaluation under IDEA Part C's Birth to Three Program aka EI. If there's a real problem, they should have directed you there. 

I find the presence of affiliated professionals who do "screenings" in a commercial preschool setting shady. I'm sure there are some who are above board, but knocking around Spedworld, I've heard too many stories of parents being sold services they should be getting for free or services that have no scientific merit.

Kids this age bite and get bitten. It's what they do. Time, redirection and close supervision generally address the issue successfully. My gut says this is a ridiculous over-reaction. 

[barefootcontessa]

Agree with everyone else. The reason why small children require higher adult-child ratios is because this type of behavior is normal and thus requires more supervision. It is sounding like this is your oldest child and I know I felt insecure first go around but you can benefit from everyone's experience here. Your child is acting within the bounds of normal like everyone has said.

[oliviapope]

Feb 27, 2015 7:23:35 GMT -5 mcfelix said:

I really appreciate all the feedback here. Very much. I do feel like there is more to the story than what DH and I have heard from his teacher. Like there has to be for her to suggest we might want to consider therapy. DH is going to talk to the therapist that observed him at school (I told him I don't think I could get through the conversation without crying). We'll see if she can give us more details - I specifically said to the teacher that I don't understand how this is different from typical toddler behavior. Also I'm sure I'm not taking this as well since I'm pregnant and like ahh why are we having another child when we are having issues with the one we already have!

I have absolutely been where you are-the crying and feeling guilty for my sons behavior as well. I do agree that these are typical behaviors for this age, however if they are addressing it I have to assume something about his behavior is different than his peers.

Try to ask them what about his behavior is different? Biting is normal-is it how frequently he bites, is it when he bites, is it the intensity of the bites? For example my son was a biter. EVERYONE said this was normal. However I noticed he would bite when he was excited, not angry-so that seemed off to me. It took us a LONG time and five pedis saying this was normal before I got an OT eval. I wish I had done one at 18 months and not 4.5 years. I am so glad we have found something that works now.

I would be happy to talk any time. I have kids like this, and I work in behavioral health research with an emphasis on development.