Post by underwaterrhymes on Mar 1, 2015 9:42:47 GMT -5
She is going to feel lost and bereft for a long time. Eventually the visitors and the food will dry up. I think now pay a visit and send a card or make a donation if they select a charity in lieu of flowers, but a few weeks from now maybe cook a meal and go over and spend some time with her.
Are you friendly with the neighborhood? Would you be able to ask people to fill out an index card of a memory of her H? You could put them all in a little book for her to read whenever she is ready.
Memories of my dad are such a gift to me. I think it would be hard for her to read in the beginning but as time goes on they might provide a lot of comfort for her.
Our neighborhood is very close knit- one of our neighbors actually arranged the meals and its full through the end of March. I'll keep a meal in mind and do one in April. I had thought about the cleaning service....I am just nervous about it. She actually has cleaners there now- they are cleaning and removing furniture. I'm not exactly sure how her H died but it sounds messy and I would hate to make her feel any feels by sending another cleaning service :/ I will ask my h to mow her lawn this spring if need be. That won't start up for a few weeks though and I was looking for something more immediate. I know she is deluged with guests so I don't want to bother right now.
People need meals but also essentials. Tp, milk, juice, paper towels, etc. things that run out and we swear we have more but don't. Stock up on that cuz there will be days her just getting dressed will seem daunting and to not have to run to cvs for that stuff helps
Be there for her esp as the funeral ends so do the house full if guests. Soon it'll be quiet in her house and unbearable, be there:-)
Offer to help with house maintenance, car stuff, errands, etc. don't say what can I help you with. Say, give me your to do list. I've got it
Oh how awful, and how sweet you are to want to help. My guess is thst the cleaners at the house now are the type that specialize in trauma cleanup. A regular housecleaner is such a nice idea, as is your Hs helping her out with yard work, etc.
I will ask my h to mow her lawn this spring if need be. That won't start up for a few weeks though and I was looking for something more immediate. I know she is deluged with guests so I don't want to bother right now.
That is such a good idea.
I also agree with what a previous poster said--all of the visits and so forth will die down in a few weeks and the reality of it will probably just be settling in for her then. That is a great time to visit and sit. So many people don't know what to say. But the person who lost their H is thinking about it all the time. Asking her about him, bringing up how she is doing might be good. Everyone is different of course but for me that was helpful (I was not in the same situation, did not lose my H or anyone to suicide, but when I lost someone I really loved and was close to).
You start to feel like people just want to hear that you're doing well or better and someone who gives you time and an ear to talk about him or what happened or whatever can be very valuable.
How awful. One of my old coworkers went through this. She appreciated people talking about him and not just ignoring him because it's uncomfortable. Things like trimming shrubs, house maintenance and what not for the years following has been helpful.
I agree with all of the suggestions. Eventually the crowds will die down and they'll go about their normal day-to-day stuff while she'll be reliving every feeling of fear, doubt, guilt, shame, anger, etc. over and over in her head. It's so nice to have someone to chat with to take your mind off all the emotions even for a little bit.
I also agree to not saying a generic "what can I do?" but to look for specific things/ways to help. If someone asked me what they could do, I would think of things I needed help with just to make them feel useful. lol But some grieving folks are not as forthright as I am. So be on the look out for ways to step up.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
What about bringing over a basket of all the necessities that she may not be able or want to go get at the store?
Toilet paper, paper towels, Kleenex, paper plates/utensils so she doesn't have to do dishes, garbage bags, etc. Just all those day-to-day items that she may not be able to go and replenish for awhile.
Post by speckledfrog on Mar 1, 2015 11:48:27 GMT -5
When my former boss's son died she said she appreciated getting disposable plates and utensils. Paper towels and toilet paper are great, especially if she has family coming in. My boss also said she wished someone would have brought her meals several months after his death, she still needed the help then.