DItto domerjen. Why exactly doesn't your mom want to talk to grandma about this? If anything, it might HELP grandma - to have a say in what's going on! To do this all "behind the scenes" and not include grandma, it may make grandma feel even more out of control.
And... I don't know how to say this. I don't want to come across kicking your mom while she's down, but there is a sound to all this that is kind of coming across as martyrish.
On the money front, if your mom is putting money into this that your grandma COULD BE covering herself and then your mom is only going to be angry when, after the fact, her brother and sister refuse to pay her $$ - that's setting EVERYONE up for failure.
YOur grandmother has money, Use thatmoney NOW for her care.
So --the siblings are fighting about grandma's money already - and she is still living. IF your mom want to be paid for helping grandma - then she needs to talk with grandma about this now and have grandma set that up (assuming she is still mentally competent. It is not about needing the money - your mom wants to be "appreciated" and it seems to be that she sees that appreciation in the form of $$$.
Post by sunshineandpinot on Mar 1, 2015 19:41:06 GMT -5
Thank you all very much for your thoughts. I think the reason she didn't want to tell g'ma about it is she doesn't want g'ma to know what a real burden it all (she) is :/ Mom is a martyr. It's not my fav trait of hers. She has thought about hiring someone and her siblings are for that. However, it's still a burden; everything will have to be scheduled, she'll have to get daily reports or whatever... while it will lesson a lot of it, there is still work. And the guilt factor. She'll feel terrible knowing some stranger is with g'ma at a dr appt while she's out shopping.
It's a really really tough and sad situation. Mom took g'ma to 42 dr appts last year. That's incredibly time consuming.
I really feel for any of you (and us) in this situation. Longevity is in my genes. Grandma's grandma lived until she was 101. (To put that into perspective, her first husband was killed in the civil war.) Grandma's sister just passed away at 99. :/
Ok. Two things - again, I still don't think she should bring your grandma into her home. That will be way way too much.
But past that - whatever help she hires, remember that everyone is a stranger at first. Both in the facility she's in and whatever additional help your mom brings on, if she can find someone who stays on, they won't stay a stranger.
Rather than looking at it like she's sending Grandma off with a stranger, she should look at it as widening Grandma's circle. My mom has someone that takes my grandmother to some of her less important dr appointments and my grandmother actually really likes it. She enjoys having someone different to talk to.
It's time to get outside help. It will lessen the burden on your mom and allow her to enjoy her time with her mother. Yes, she'll be the point person still, but since she won't be so exhausted and worn down by all the care, she can enjoy some time with her mom.
If I were in your mother's shoes, I would ask grandma for financial POA, plus whatever end of life paperwork is necessary. If there's a family business you might need specific POA for certain assets, so be sure to talk to an (estate planning? Any old business law?) attorney. I would be totally okay with using the POA to throw grandma's money at grandma's problems. Is there anything other than transportation to/from doctors and the family dinners that eats into your mother's time? Throw grandma's money at the other things if she can. Hell, throw grandma's money at family dinners if they improve grandma's quality of life.
Last but not least, drinking. Have the people involved considered drinking more?
This is an incredibly difficult situation. When my grandma was in her 90s, suffering from dementia, and just generally miserable, my mom spent hours and hours and hours caring for her. Then other families would come in once a year from out of town and be the golden children who came to visit. It was hard.
That said, I don't think things like inheritance should be tied to end of life care. it sounds like there is money to hire a personal care assistant. Your mom should do what she wants for your grandmother and hire the rest out. Your grandmother may be angry about this but that's ok. Decisions have to made based on what's best for everyone. Family fights are not going to solve anything and will lead to bigger issues once your grandmother has passed away.