Post by speckledfrog on Mar 1, 2015 11:54:10 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. There are several posters over on the Recovery board who are dealing with alcoholic spouses and I'm sure they would be happy to offer advice and support.
It doesn't matter if he feels he's an alcoholic. What matters is whether or not you feel you want to continue to be married to him, given his behavior.
I understand you wanting him to acknowledge and fix it and then it will be ok. But the first rule of addiction is that you can't change an addict. (God, I so wish this weren't true.)
He has to want to change. And right now, he does not. Plus you said he was treating you poorly yesterday.
None of this sounds great for you. Again, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.
Post by speckledfrog on Mar 1, 2015 12:04:44 GMT -5
Confronting him is unlikely to change his behavior. I'm torn between waiting for a bit to gather some more information about frequency and tearing into him for allowing your children to see him wasted. What a terrible position he has put you in. What is your gut telling you to do?
I understand you wanting him to acknowledge and fix it and then it will be ok. But the first rule of addiction is that you can't change an addict. (God, I so wish this weren't true.)
He has to want to change. And right now, he does not. Plus you said he was treating you poorly yesterday.
None of this sounds great for you. Again, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.
All of this.
I've been where you are. I found out about my X's addiction after we moved in together, and it wasn't just alcohol. I couldn't trust him at home alone with the kids, he treated me like absolute garbage when he was on a bender, and towards the end it was my part-time retail job that supported all of us. He would even steal the kids shampoo, it got so bad.
And I was convinced he would change - that he would want to. But he didn't. So, I made the very difficult decision to end it and move on. It took a lot of soul searching, but ultimately I did not want my children to grow up in an environment where that sort of behaviour was not only tolerated, but accepted as normal.
That was my experience. Only you know what's right for you, but I do suggest Al Anon as a start.
I don't see myself leaving him if he were to actually acknowledge there is an issue and DO something about it. We both are from alcoholic families and I absolutely do not want my kids growing up in the middle of all that. I was in counseling but I stopped going.
You're waiting on him. You stopped counseling, haven't made it to Al Anon, and you're waiting for some reason for him to admit he's got a problem and then do something about it. You grew up in an alcoholic home; how long did you wait for those people to admit it and do something?
Confronting him is unlikely to change his behavior. I'm torn between waiting for a bit to gather some more information about frequency and tearing into him for allowing your children to see him wasted. What a terrible position he has put you in. What is your gut telling you to do?
I'm so sorry. MIL just left FIL after 30 years of marriage because he finally fucked up one too many times. He's admitted over and over that he's an alcoholic and will stop drinking for a little while. He always goes back to it.
My advice? Protect yourself and be ready to get out. Don't expose your children to this. My H has a lot of anger at his father and the divorce happening now is bringing a lot to the surface. It's really tough and I'm sad that this is the result of his childhood.
how long did you wait for those people to admit it and do something?
Too long Suesue, too long.
Yeah, I have been in your position and you come to the point where you realize YOU are the one who needs to deal with it; your H won't. I sorry this is happening - good luck and know that we are all here for you.
Post by Captain Serious on Mar 1, 2015 13:04:15 GMT -5
Oh, J, I'm so sorry this is going on. Protect yourself and your children as you go forward. It sounds as if you know how hard of a battle this will be for your husband to win.
I can tell you from experience that even if he does admit that he has a problem, it won't matter. My xh admitted it to me because he felt like he had to. And here we are 8 years later with him on supervised probation and mandatory outpatient treatment. None of which will do him any good because he isn't ready to change, despite having two kids, a shitty job, still living with his mom at 36 years old.
You know what it's like to live in an environment with an alcoholic parent. I'm sure you knew what was going on well before anyone realized you did. I can't remember how old your kids are, but it's very possible they are picking up on things already.
Also, he doesn't have to drink all the time to be an alcoholic. My h drinks a few beers every night and he is nowhere near being an alcohoLic. Xh didn't drink everyday but is most definitely an alcoholic.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk. (((Hugs)))
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You got a lot of great advice here, so I hope you can take care of yourself and your kids, and I hope your H gets the help he needs.
How long has he been in denial? You need to make it clear that he needs to make a choice. And stick to your threats.
Sadly my ex choose the alcohol.
Yes, don't issue ultimatums unless you are going to stick to them. I issued ultimatums then didn't follow through for far too long. And when I kicked my xh out for the last time, I told him he had to be sober for at least a year before I would even consider taking him back. His exact words were "You have to want to quit, and I don't want to." So I said I'd be getting a lawyer on Monday. And like I said before, here we are 8 years later, still dealing with it.
I'm not gonna lie, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was the best decision I could've ever made for my dd and I. We are so much better off now then we ever would have been if I would've stayed married to him.