It was some time between midnight and 3am. I was dead asleep. I’d fed the littliest at midnight so it was after that, and it was before he woke up for a feed at 3am. This hardly matters, because that time of night is Hell unless you’re pashing, happy drunk, smoking in a bar, dancing, or on drugs – y’know, generally having a fulfilling life that doesn’t involve milk dripping out of your breasts or playing the fart or shit game. So, I’m asleep and I feel this tiny hand on my face and then there’s a kiss on my forehead. And for a second I’m confused like – did the tiny one do that? He’s only four-weeks-old? Is he a mutant? That would be amazing. And then I realise it’s my big baby and I pull him into my arms while still asleep and think “oh he’s delicious”. But then he elbows me in the tit and says “JAY JUNGLE MAMA” and I’m like “ughhh fuck you’re not delicious at all. What is that smell?” And I tell him to be quiet and I cuddle him and he says “NO JAY JUNGLE” and he climbs onto my chest and it hurts so bad because my boobs are about to explode. And then I cuddle/smother him and spend the next 40 minutes or so (who knows how long it was – it felt like days) getting him to sleep. And then I got him to sleep and I got up and I went to the bathroom and I came back to this:
Bed
And I was like “FUCK THIS SHIT IT’S MY BED. WHY ARE YOU EVEN UPSIDE DOWN? WHY CAN’T I HAVE ONE SPACE THAT IS MY OWN? WHY ARE YOU ALMOST THREE AND YOU SLEEP WORSE THAN A NEWBORN? WHY IS THERE NEVER ANY ROOM FOR ME??”. And even though this was an internal scream the little one woke up angrily demanding a feed. While feeding on the floor I took a photo and I put it on Facebook and Twitter. And on Twitter I said ‘sigh’ because the parents on Twitter get it. And on Facebook I did a slightly longer comment because I was trying to be a bit light hearted because…well, we will get there… So, I said “How come it’s my bed and there’s never room for me in it?” Which you’ll note is not “FUCK THIS SHIT…” It was meant to be funny, a way for me to be like “see?” without being like “OMG KILL ME SEE?” And then I got this message, which I fucking always do, from a friend’s mum. It said: “Be grateful for your boys. They will be adults before you know it and they won’t want to sleep with you. You should enjoy this time”. And I was like OK, I hope I’m never so unstable that when my sons are in their 20s I want them sleeping with me. But aside from that – CAN YOU NOT? I know the first thing I’m going to be told is “people are just trying to be nice! They’re trying to comfort you”. Yeah, yeah, it’s hard to be charitable when you’ve had two hours sleep. Here’s the deal – trying to be helpful or not – it isn’t. It isn’t helpful. It’s condescending, patronising, and it’s actually (without being melodramatic but maybe a bit melodramatic) it’s dangerous. Constantly telling parents – Be grateful! Be grateful! One day they won’t be shitting on you! And you’ll be like “omg, I long for the days when I was covered in sour milk and diarrhoea!” So – be grateful! You might be so exhausted that you’re crying on the toilet but these are the best days of your life SO BE GRATEFUL - leads to those parents shutting down and never sharing how they truly feel. It leads to parents not having support networks. It leads to parents walking into parenthood without any idea of how hard some moments, some days, can be. It leads to such unfair expectations on parents – enjoy every minute or you’re a fucking monster. It leads to feeling like you’re doing it all wrong. I am so grateful for my kids. I can’t even put into words how grateful I am. So I don’t need you to tell me to be grateful. I am. Guess what – I can be so grateful and so tired. I can be so grateful and so fucking over it. I can be so grateful and also imagine not having kids and just pashing and dancing and drinking bourbons till I puke. These comments always come from people with grown kids. And I get it. Maybe? I mean when the boys are in their 20s I might be wishing they still lived with me and needed me 24-7. I mean, I kind of hope in my late 50s I’m acting like I was in my early 20s – boning their dad, drinking bourbons, going to gigs, spending all my money on band tee shirts and fast food. But I digress – I get it kind of. Your kids are grown, you miss them, you see parents at the beginning of their parenting journey and it makes you nostalgic. I get that there’s no malicious intent. But just again – can you not. Because when I make a heavily sanitised comment about not sleeping and you make a comment about being grateful, it implies I’m not grateful. And in my sleep deprived state it makes me feel like an asshole. And this might seem like an overreaction to a comment, but I (and other parents) get it All. The. Time. The other week I said: “Just as one little bogan falls asleep, another little bogan wakes up. They’re like a tag team” and I got one comment and three messages with the “one day you’ll miss it/be grateful” message. I get it about once a week. And the more I get it the more I feel like I can’t talk about the hard parts of parenting, or the things I’m struggling with. Because I don’t want to appear ungrateful for my awesome kids, even the one that hates sleeping. And you see how that’s a problem right? So, here are some things you can say instead of be grateful:
I don’t remember how hard it was never sleeping because I’m retired and I sleep until 10 now and I spend all day playing Candy Crush. SO I’m just going to shut the fuck up. (Might be too specific). That sounds tough, want me to drop you over something with chocolate in it? You don’t look tired at all. You look like a glam actress who only eats paleo stuff and drinks grass smoothies. I heard kids who don’t sleep are smarter than kids who do.
Parenting is really hard sometimes. It’s ok to find it hard sometimes.
I've had young mothers say that. WTF? The parents of 4 year olds should remember that shit.
And I have found it weird that the experience of birthing a child was fairly uneventful and physically not traumatic (I realize this varies hugely) but the first 2 weeks have been WAY harder. Mostly because I am completely emotionally unstable.
@kcpokergal I liked because I completely agree with your second statement. I didn't find the whole labor/birth experience to be all that bad (and I completely agree that this does vary widely). I do remember a few things happening within the first week of DS' life that were far more traumatic and nothing you can really prepare for before you have the baby.
I've had young mothers say that. WTF? The parents of 4 year olds should remember that shit.
And I have found it weird that the experience of birthing a child was fairly uneventful and physically not traumatic (I realize this varies hugely) but the first 2 weeks have been WAY harder. Mostly because I am completely emotionally unstable.
There is a weird focus in mom culture on giving birth and very little, comparatively, on the postpartum period. It reminds me of the obsession with wedding planning instead of actual marriage prep.
Both times the PP phase knocked me on my ass, although this time was better because I knew to expect it and how to deal. It truly sucks.
I am so not looking forward to the newborn phase when this baby arrives. Newborn snuggles during the day - lovely and sweet. Crying newborn not sleeping at night, wanting to nurse constantly while my boobs hurt so bad - so dreading that.
Going off what Brie said, I found people are much more accommodating to a pregnant lady than a post partum one. When, as much as I hated pregnancy, pp was much harder physically and emotionally.
Yeah, that was weird. I was totally fine and same as always. I just couldn't walk long distances. Only difference.
Post by redheadbaker on Mar 2, 2015 0:02:45 GMT -5
OMG, yes. I was just sort of talking about this with friends a few weeks ago, about the "threenager" years. One of my friends had some old women tell her that 3 is a wonderful age and to "treasure each moment." And another friend with a threenager commented, "It's so easy to treasure pants-less tantrums about how you unwrap a cheese stick."
Post by curbsideprophet on Mar 2, 2015 1:16:39 GMT -5
Word. I don't think I will ever miss sleep deprivation. Lack of sleep is no joke.
The first two weeks of DDs life were so tiring. I had no idea it was as even possible to be that tired. At one point it took all my energy just to sit up in bed and attempt to feed her.
I struggled to adjust to life with a newborn. It got better as she got older but it was hard. I was really afraid to have another newborn. We had planned to discuss a second child when DD turned one. I was not ready to consider discussing it until 18 months. We did not really discuss it until right before she turned two.
Thankfully my initial experience with DS has been different. I think it is part I am more experienced and part his personality. If I only had to take care of him, I think the early days would have been easier. Right now he is teething and another story. He is on wake up number four. We gave him medicine after wake number two and I am just hoping he is not up every hour all night long. We are all also getting over colds.
I am sure I will miss them being little, but I don't think I will miss being sick and not getting any sleep.
OMG, yes. I was just sort of talking about this with friends a few weeks ago, about the "threenager" years. One of my friends had some old women tell her that 3 is a wonderful age and to "treasure each moment." And another friend with a threenager commented, "It's so easy to treasure pants-less tantrums about how you unwrap a cheese stick."
Tell that lady to come to my house and "treasure" cleaning out and declogging the bathroom sink after my 3 yr old decided to "wash" the roll of toilet paper this evening after she got pee on it. A sink full of water and a whole roll of toilet paper was quite frankly more than I could "treasure" tonight.
I complained once about being tired of holding D as a newborn. She wouldn't just sleep in the rocker. The second I put her down, she knew it and woke up. A mom of a toddler told me to appreciate it because now her kid never snuggles and is always on the go. I have never looked back and wished for that situation again. Sorry, other mom.
I felt a lot of pressure to be happy and perfect during pregnancy and pp. Everyone else seemed to have it under control. They go blackberry picking with their two week old with perfectly done makeup and hair. Post pictures of their happy baby sleeping away on FB. I did it too. Try to act like my shit was together because that is what a good mom was like.
I've had young mothers say that. WTF? The parents of 4 year olds should remember that shit.
And I have found it weird that the experience of birthing a child was fairly uneventful and physically not traumatic (I realize this varies hugely) but the first 2 weeks have been WAY harder. Mostly because I am completely emotionally unstable.
There is a weird focus in mom culture on giving birth and very little, comparatively, on the postpartum period. It reminds me of the obsession with wedding planning instead of actual marriage prep.
Both times the PP phase knocked me on my ass, although this time was better because I knew to expect it and how to deal. It truly sucks.
YES!!! I was totally blindsided the first time at how mentally ill prepared I was for the PP period. It didn't help that everyone around me was being complete asshats.
Re: the article. I want to be the old lady that says " you're doing great, you'll get through it" because honestly I've wanted to tell MANY people to fuck right off.
I went off on a family member who told me to "enjoy this time because it goes so quickly" when I was in the middle of colic/MSPI hell. It's been almost 3 years, and I still don't look back fondly on that time. Society makes me feel kind of guilty about that, and I hate it. DD has been the most awesome toddler ever, but I'm supposed to look back and yearn for newborn snuggles or whatever, and yeah, I don't. That wasn't my experience at all. I'm kind of terrified of going through the newborn phase again, but talking about that seems pretty taboo.
I was talking to my grandmother the other day about how someone always needs me, someone is always touching me, I'm never alone in my house.
Her response was to tell me not to wish for alone time because someday everyone will be dead or moved away and I'll be alone all the time and wish for company....
This is all so true.. I have a friend who had her first a year or so before I did. She told me to go into the first 6-8 weeks like boot camp... just get through it. It really helped me set (un)expectations for the PP period. I was expecting to just grit it and push through and then anytime it was pleasant was a nice surprise. Lol. It was refreshing to get helpful advice for that time rather than all of the old lady "enjoy it" advice.
Post by purplecow0206 on Mar 2, 2015 8:24:04 GMT -5
The one that always gets me is "Sleep now, you won't be able to with a newborn!"
No, at 35 weeks pregnant, that sleep just doesn't come easy, between the baby dance party, the bladder the size of a golf ball and just not being able to get comfortable. Not happening.
Going off what Brie said, I found people are much more accommodating to a pregnant lady than a post partum one. When, as much as I hated pregnancy, pp was much harder physically and emotionally.
Exactly! Exhibit A: all of the old biddies who made comments about me bringing my DD out in public as a newborn, like when I did a Target run on my way home from going to a doctor apt to get on PPD meds. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
I never understood anyone who told me that it goes by so fast. No. It really doesn't. Especially those early weeks. Maybe I'll feel that way next time.
My brother and I got into a fight MOTN last week because DD got up for her MOTN while I had just fallen asleep. I was a bit irritated and perhaps not my friendliest while getting our MOTN tasks done. He with his all knowing mid-20s wisdom said something along the lines of being grateful because it could be worse. OK dude, it's no picnic when you've been getting up every night for the past 14 months, minus about 10 nights when I was either gone or she had a rare STTN. I am allowed to be legit sleep deprived.
He apologized the next day and slept on the couch that night so I could sleep in his room. I got a night of uninterrupted sleep in his bed with the door shut and didn't hear DD's night shenanigans at all, while he woke up and helped my mom in the MOTN.
Parenting is this mindfuck that is full of "fuck this shit" moments and "awwww" moments. I just wish everyone would admit it and leave out the "cherish every moment" comments.
I did not cherish the hours of screaming with a colicky newborn, the first couple weeks of feeding struggles where I was unknowingly starving my kid, nor did I cherish yesterday's constant battles with my toddler.
I did cherish the 30 minutes of DS sleeping on my chest last week, which hasn't happened in probably 2+ years. I did cherish the movie night we had the other night on our bed with DS hoarding the popcorn and watching the garbage truck cartoon that DH found on YouTube.
If more people would openly admit that the pendulum swings back and forth from the fuck this shit moments to the awwww moments, I think a lot more parents wouldn't be afraid to share their low points. Low points have this habit of bringing people together and making people feel a bit better/not so alone.
Oh God I hate the newborn phase. Whenever anyone asks me how motherhood is I always respond with "It is the best and worst thing that ever happened to me". Because it's important to acknowledge that parenthood is not all puppies and rainbows.
The one that always gets me is "Sleep now, you won't be able to with a newborn!"
No, at 35 weeks pregnant, that sleep just doesn't come easy, between the baby dance party, the bladder the size of a golf ball and just not being able to get comfortable. Not happening.
It'll be okay. You can just sleep when the baby sleeps
Post by longtimenopost on Mar 2, 2015 9:56:41 GMT -5
Oh my, what have I done...(looks down at belly)
Really, though, this is spot on. I am thankful for DD. I am very thankful. I have her sister's ashes on the mantel and memories of 12 weeks of fighting for her in the NICU. Doesn't make it any easier that she had MSPI and didn't sttn until 18 months. I'm probably part of the problem though, because I talk to close friends about the rough moments but don't post on FB. I just can't with the stupid.
Post by AlpineSlide on Mar 2, 2015 10:19:53 GMT -5
"diarrhoea" WHUT? Do they spell it like that in Oz?
And I was just showing this to DH (along with @astrid's hell o'clock pic) and he completely missed the point. He was like "Hey new mom, how about you quit posting on the internet and take a nap!" That's his way of making a dig that I'm online too much and "should be enjoying DS more." Fuck you H.