What do you consider a rough patch?

[Deleted]

I'm on year 4.

[Jalapeñomel]

The first year of D's life was soooo hard. Also, when DH was on the job market and the move to Lima, a hard couple of months.

[tripleshot]

I agree with LHC. The first year with a baby is very trying on a marriage.

In general, I think a rough patch is probably a few months, if there isn't a newborn involved.

[SKP82]

I agree with Lucy. The first year can really take its toll on a marriage.

[jeaniebueller]

Like others said, it really depends. We had some awful circumstances in our life and went through a rough patch that lasted probably 2 years.

[thebreakfastclub]

I think what is hard to discern is that when you do have a young baby in the home, they can amplify any issue.

Both parties are a bit on edge and things can blow up more quickly or severly.

I think a true rough patch could be 3-6 months in the making, barring unusual outside circumstances.

[hopecounts]

Mar 2, 2015 9:39:22 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Mar 2, 2015 9:34:02 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I think this is largely different from marriage to marriage.

ETA:  I will say the first year of any baby's life probably constitutes a "rough patch" in most marriages.  It's extremely emotional, and difficult, and tries even the most solid relationships.

Okay, so let me ask you this....

Obviously, you know this is about me.  What if you feel like your issues have very little to do with the baby?  

I think it can be really hard to be sure it's not the emotional/physical adjustment to the new baby.
Messed up sleep, reduced me time, etc can play with you and make either partner act uncharacteristically.
Of course if there is abuse/addiction etc that is different.

[Deleted]

We had a terrible 6 months when I was pregnant and H was suddenly laid off after 13 years with his company. It got so bad toward the end we talked separating- while I was 9 months pregnant- good times.

However. The issues we were having were concrete, identifiable, and fixable. I'm not sure that's the case with you and your H based on what you've said here.

For us, the baby was great bonding and our marriage was never better than when DS arrived. Clearly that's not the case with everyone. But I would take it easy on yourself durning the first year the baby is here, for sure.

[anlo]

Having a new baby in the house will bring to light and magnify any issues that were already there ime. It's tough.

[Elsa]

I think areas of your life can be affected by the baby without you realizing. Babies encompass everything that first year.

I'm definitely not telling you to stick it out- if you are DONE, then that is perfectly ok. But if you are looking for reasons to not be done, a baby is a massive one.

That first year was rough for us. Lack of sleep, change in routines, new worries that we've never had before, etc. It is all encompassing.

[cuddlyevil]

Having a new baby in the house will magnify any issues that were present prior to the baby's arrival.

We had a rough patch when DD was born, but we got through it. However, we had other deeper issues that were hidden for a while but eventually they came to the surface. And only one of us was willing to do any real work to resolve them.

[snipsnsnails]

The issues weren't the baby for us. It was the high stress time that finally magnified all of our relational weaknesses. Add me to the group that says that the first year with our first child was the worst, by far, in our 13 year relationship. I contemplated divorce, more than once, and not in a joking sort of way.

[pantsparty]

I think maybe the bigger question is what are the issues and what is being done to work on them?

You have mentioned your H's hobby and how he won't give that up. I don't know if I'd define that as a "rough patch" but rather a decision he is making ahead of his family.

Of course, we don't have a baby so I can't comment on that. But I have a lot of friends who went through a major adjustment period after having a baby and came out on the other side.

Hugs!

[Jalapeñomel]

A baby heightens all the issues you have and didn't really deal with.

[deanlicker78]

Mar 2, 2015 9:44:55 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Mar 2, 2015 9:34:09 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

oh, we had a bad five years once.

Yup. This is where I'm at.

Me three.

[Deleted]

Mar 2, 2015 9:52:24 GMT -5 cjoy said:

I don't think anybody ever thinks it's about the baby. I mean, the baby is all cute and innocent and coos and smiles. The spouse is the one that forgot to restock the diaper bag. Or didn't take out the trash. OR WON'T GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT JUST ONCE. Suddenly every problem is so much bigger because you haven't slept and the house is a mess and you feel like you'll never feel normal again.

This was extremely true for us.  I was a big scorekeeper.  As if it mattered in the end. But at the time, those little ticks were huge to me and H. 

To answer the original question, with the loss of our business once, I'd say our rough patch lasted about four years.  Every marriage is different though.  We survived, but probably just due to stubbornness.  Things are great now!

[lg28]

Mar 2, 2015 9:39:22 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Mar 2, 2015 9:34:02 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I think this is largely different from marriage to marriage.

ETA:  I will say the first year of any baby's life probably constitutes a "rough patch" in most marriages.  It's extremely emotional, and difficult, and tries even the most solid relationships.

Okay, so let me ask you this....

Obviously, you know this is about me.  What if you feel like your issues have very little to do with the baby?  

I think even if the issues don't directly have to do with the baby, adjusting to having a new family dynamic, different schedules, etc really impact a marriage. I found myself resenting my husband for how little having a baby seemed to impact his life vs. mine simply because I was nursing.
Super cliche, but a therapist has really helped our marriage and having kids. Pre-therapist I didn't think we would make it and we are actually quite happy now.

[Deleted]

I think my whole marriage was a rough patch We would get along fine for a few weeks or even a couple of months, but then we'd have another blow out fight. And we always had issues, even when we weren't actively fighting there was a lot of bickering.

For you, I'd consider what things were like before the baby came along. Were you happy or were you just kind of making things work? I mean you were somewhat recently married, right? And then decided to have a baby? Did you feel confident and happy about those decisions, or did you feel like you were just kind of going along with what you thought you should do?

If you were actually happy and things have gone downhill, I would call it a rough patch. Time will tell if you can come out of it, of course. But if you were never happy to begin with and these issues were always there - it might just be a rough marriage. Which IMO isn't something you need to stick out.

[Deleted]

A year.  Also, as Lucy said, this varies couple to couple.  There are so many situation specific variables. 

[auntie]

I wouldn't consider something that can be resolved in a week or two a "patch". I'm thinking a month or more.

My personal rough patches have been over a year. They weren't "our doing" as an affair or addiction could be construed to be. The two that stand out were marked by multiple challenges happening at once or in rapid succession.

I found the first year of parenthood a rough patch- my sister was dying, my parents and her kids were a mess, DH was traveling a lot and DS was a colicky devil child. By the time DS settled in, sister died and the family situation got worse for a bit.

We had another long patch when DS was in kindie. We lost our house and everything in it in a flood in September, then DH got a new boss who was irrationally demanding and downsizing the next month, MIL got a 6 month dx on NYE, DS got dxd with autism in May after a year of pissy notes home from school. It was the suck.

[themoneytree]

Mar 2, 2015 9:45:27 GMT -5 Que? said:

Mar 2, 2015 9:39:22 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Okay, so let me ask you this....

Obviously, you know this is about me.  What if you feel like your issues have very little to do with the baby?  

The baby wasn't our issue, it was built up resentment and lack of intimacy that was exacerbated by a new baby. We
Had to deal with old stuff before we could adjust to the new issues.

This is us. We're working on it but it's been so hard.
We were together almost 10 years pre baby and I never would have thought our post baby relationship would be so hard. Especially as we are both enjoying parenting. It's so frustrating and the lack of intimacy feels especially hard to fix.

[Deleted]

Mar 2, 2015 10:02:38 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Mar 2, 2015 9:53:17 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

I think in that first year, the issues don't even have to be about the baby.  Emotions run super high that first year.  Your hormones are surging and waning after giving birth, both of you are knocked off-kilter in terms of schedules and sleep patterns, you're both constantly worried about the baby in one respect or another.  

Look, if these issues were present before you had children, obviously that's one thing; but having a newborn around can make even the simplest disagreement blow up into something major, just because everyone's on edge to begin with.  

It's a difficult decision you're making, no question; but I sort of feel like you're often looking for people to tell you what you want to hear.  And nobody can really do that.  I can tell you that unless the issues were looming large even before the baby came along, I wouldn't make any decisions in the first year.  And I would get into couples counseling to help weather some of the storms.

It's not so much that I'm looking for people to tell me what I want to hear, but more so I'm doubting my own decisions. We definitely had issues before the baby that we didn't deal with.  Those things have become more annoying, more pronounced since Hannah was born.  My patience is so low for everything.  We are in counseling and have been since I was pregnant.  I'm just really scared to make the wrong decision.

Serious question. Why don't you trust yourself? Have you directly explored that one on one with a therapist? 

[mushmouse]

I thought my marriage was OVER the first year. That if I had met him then I would have never dated him. It isn't just the women who aren't themselves with a newborn either. I am certainly glad I did not make any permanent life decisions in the first year. Most of it was a nightmare for our relationship. I might actually describe the first 2.5 years as a rough patch. We weren't unhappy through all of it, but it was rough on and off, mostly on.

[spellingbea]

DH and I were awful to each other that first year. Like @courtneyloves, I'm a scorekeeper. As sleep deprived and out of it as I was I can still recall--in perfect detail--every offense DH committed.

It's hard enough to make the choice to end a marriage, but it's nearly impossible to be clear-headed about it under those circumstances.

[Deleted]

My only advice here is to look deep within yourself, both with and apart from your therapist, and trust your gut/instincts. Only YOU will know what you can withstand and what is worth fighting for.

[emoflamingo]

Mar 2, 2015 9:45:27 GMT -5 Que? said:

Mar 2, 2015 9:39:22 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Okay, so let me ask you this....

Obviously, you know this is about me.  What if you feel like your issues have very little to do with the baby?  

The baby wasn't our issue, it was built up resentment and lack of intimacy that was exacerbated by a new baby. We
Had to deal with old stuff before we could adjust to the new issues.

Ditto. Our issues were stupid like "why do you feel like you can spend whatever money you want on a stupid hobby but I get a guilt trip when I buy the baby an outfit?" (he realized that his joking was being taken the wrong way and that I felt like I could have no hobbies because of the jokes) and "get off your damn phone and talk to me at dinner" (still working on this between the two of us).

And it happened the second time around too, just to a lesser degree because we knew what to expect. We're prepared again.

[Deleted]

Mar 2, 2015 10:11:37 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Mar 2, 2015 10:09:19 GMT -5 @beachbella said:

Serious question. Why don't you trust yourself? Have you directly explored that one on one with a therapist? 

I'm not sure.  I think it's mostly because this decision isn't just about me.  I'm making choices that will impact my daughter's life.  I'm in therapy and we've talked extensively about my situation.

That is fair. Either way, you are indeed making a decision that impacts your daughter and it is positive that you are being thoughtful. 

I know you have been thinking about this quite a bit and have posted here a few times. Have you considered a trial separation as a way to help you make your decision? Move into an apartment, live as though you are divorced (with a custody schedule, etc)? Or have you talked to the ladies on SO? They may be more help on this one. 

Every marriage and relationship is different. What works for one may not work for another, etc. it's always so easy to say, "well if I was in XYZ situation, I would do..." But you never really know until you are there. (((Hugs)))

[hopecounts]

Mar 2, 2015 10:11:37 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Mar 2, 2015 10:09:19 GMT -5 @beachbella said:

Serious question. Why don't you trust yourself? Have you directly explored that one on one with a therapist? 

I'm not sure.  I think it's mostly because this decision isn't just about me.  I'm making choices that will impact my daughter's life.  I'm in therapy and we've talked extensively about my situation.

Then I would KOKO, keep up the therapy (individual and couples) and give it a bit more time to see if you get clarity.
The first year is tough, you already had some issues and baby is bringing them out front and center.
For us the second year was easier because DD got easier and more 'fun' so DH was more hands on without me having to force it. 
Keep talking to him and your therapist about the issues and see where you are in 6 months or so.

Of course it is 100% ok to just be done, and if you are there is no reason not to start your new beginning now.

 

[Deleted]

Mar 2, 2015 10:28:40 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Mar 2, 2015 10:19:21 GMT -5 @beachbella said:

That is fair. Either way, you are indeed making a decision that impacts your daughter and it is positive that you are being thoughtful. 

I know you have been thinking about this quite a bit and have posted here a few times. Have you considered a trial separation as a way to help you make your decision? Move into an apartment, live as though you are divorced (with a custody schedule, etc)? Or have you talked to the ladies on SO? They may be more help on this one. 

Every marriage and relationship is different. What works for one may not work for another, etc. it's always so easy to say, "well if I was in XYZ situation, I would do..." But you never really know until you are there. (((Hugs)))

I recently asked H for a separation.   I though it would be a good way to take some time to ourselves and see how we feel.  I just wanted to go a period of time without arguing to see if it could drum up some positive feelings about the marriage.  He is dead set against separating.  He feels abandoned and basically told me that I wasn't doing what I promised to do (stick it out) when we got married.  He feels that separation is the same as divorce.

Ok, I can see some of your challenge now based on this answer and what you said to Sue Sue. You don't have some of the memories a lot of us do to fall back on when you have HAD IT TO HERE with H. You both seem to be on different pages now on how to make it better. In regards to not separating, is your H happy? Does he think this going on for the rest of your lives is ok, as you as you don't seperate or divorce? Other than seeing someone, what are you each doing to better the marriage? 

[spellingbea]

After reading your last post, it's hard to stick it out during hard times if your foundation is just "so so".