Make a threat in here (no neck stabbing though, keep it fun)

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Hey, DH, if you don't call maintenance today and get our shower drain unblocked? I'm gonna snake it myself and put the hair clog on your pillow. 

Something like that. 

Now you go!

[aussiecrush]

School if you don't respond about this critical meeting, I'll bring more than just B's regional rep. Don't take it out on me or my kid or the next representative will be a lawyer.

[meggers5]

Hey British government, if you don't sort out FI's visa asap there is an unpleasant coup in your future.

[gaudi]

DH- if your toenail clippings don't make it to the trash can, I will collect them and sprinkle them all over your side of the bed.

[Serenity9]

Mother Nature, if you give us more snow and ice next Monday and cause my divorce hearing to be delayed again, I am going to build a friggin' bio-dome over my city. Not playing.

[sparkythelawyer]

Mar 2, 2015 12:04:13 GMT -5 @astrid said:

Baby, if you don't sleep through the night sometime or at least more than two hours at a stretch, I'm gonna let you fend for yourself. It's a dog eat dog world kiddo.

Cosigned!

[candreco]

Hey Mother Nature, if you delay DH's flight home tomorrow evening, I will cut you.

School District, please at least ATTEMPT to have a full week of school at some point, or we're going to unleash an army of bored, restless kids on you.

[nomad100]

DH, if you don't wash the few hand wash dishes I left in the sink for you to take care of, I will punch you in the junk while you sleep. Wash a fucking dish so I don't always have to do them all.

Willow, please relax. Apparently the calming drugs they gave her only worked for about an hour and she can only take them once every 8 hours. This whole rest her leg thing is going to suck.

[malibu]

Cat #1, please stop barfing all over my house. I'm getting tired of cleaning up puke that ALWAYS has to be on the few carpeted spots we have in the house. WTF, cat. No threats though because she's still adorable and she can't help it.

[malibu]

Mar 2, 2015 13:29:55 GMT -5 deej said:

H, if you don't schedule your sleep test or do something about your snoring, I will make your life such a nightmare that you'll stop sleeping altogether.

Yes, also this.

[tsk1564]

To my dear, sweet grandmother who graciously opened her home to me while I find an apartment. If you need to use the bath room, please just say so. Do not just stand outside the door, breathing heavily, while I do my make-up or I'm going to flip your kitchen table over.

[BaliHai]

H, if you don't stop fucking complaining I am going to be a widow, and I don't really want to live with my parents.

[knx9211]

Mar 2, 2015 13:29:55 GMT -5 deej said:

H, if you don't schedule your sleep test or do something about your snoring, I will make your life such a nightmare that you'll stop sleeping altogether.

Ugh my DH did a sleep study for me when we first started dating. They essentially told him "You snore very loudly." That's helpful, thanks. He also snores using the nose strips and while sleeping on his stomach. He's lucky I love him so much.

[MixedBerryJam]

I feel bad that I'm not mad at anyone. I seriously can't think of a thing I'd make a threat over. So I shall second all your threats. Babies better sleep, divorces better proceed, and litter boxes better be used or there will be stern glares in someone's future.

[Deleted]

Post nasal drip and hacking cough, please GTFO of my bosy before I kill your host!!!!

[Serenity9]

Mar 2, 2015 13:35:51 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

DEAR FUCKING MILLENNIAL COWORKER, PLEASE START TALKING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I ASK YOU WHAT YOUR BIRTHDAY IS, A SIMPLE "OCTOBER 5" WILL SUFFICE, I DO NOT NEED "OCTOBER 5, THE MOST POPULAR DAY FOR A BIRTHDAY!"

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?? GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN BEFORE I SET YOUR SUSPENDERS ON FIRE.

[picaflora]

Dog, if you piss on the floor ONE MORE TIME when we're gone I will throw you in your crate & put it outside. You will also stay outside until you dry from anxiety slobbering all over yourself because crates are "scary". This is brand new carpet & you WILL NOT cause me to lose my security deposit.

[speckledfrog]

Mar 2, 2015 13:35:51 GMT -5 nuggetbrain said:

DEAR FUCKING MILLENNIAL COWORKER, PLEASE START TALKING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I ASK YOU WHAT YOUR BIRTHDAY IS, A SIMPLE "OCTOBER 5" WILL SUFFICE, I DO NOT NEED "OCTOBER 5, THE MOST POPULAR DAY FOR A BIRTHDAY!"

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?? GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN BEFORE I SET YOUR SUSPENDERS ON FIRE.

Apparently it is the most common birthday in the US.   

[malibu]

Mar 2, 2015 13:36:41 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Mar 2, 2015 13:30:44 GMT -5 malibu said:

Cat #1, please stop barfing all over my house. I'm getting tired of cleaning up puke that ALWAYS has to be on the few carpeted spots we have in the house. WTF, cat. No threats though because she's still adorable and she can't help it.

I have to say, we switched to Iams All Natural dry food, and there is no more cat puke in the house, period. We have six cats, one of them would puke once a day, somewhere. No more puke now. 

We've run the gamut from cheap stuff like Meow Mix, and currently I'm using Hill's grain-free expensive stuff and she still does it. The other two have never puked in the house, ever, but the oldest one has issues. They can't find anything "wrong" with her, so they just keep advising to change foods and see what helps. I think she eats too fast, honestly.

[mrsukyankee]

Dear US gov't, I would like to shank you for all the idiotic tax laws you have for expats. I honestly might have to give up my citizenship up because of the things you are doing - I am not wealthy or a tax dodger, but get your hands off my overseas money. I already have a gov't where I live trying to get my money.

[Deleted]

H, if you ask if I want anything from the store and I say stuff for salad, that means salad toppings too. You came home with just lettuce. What am I supposed to do with just lettuce? If this happens again, I will fill your boots with romaine.

[jenny1223]

Mar 2, 2015 16:48:19 GMT -5 @ygmg said:

H, if you ask if I want anything from the store and I say stuff for salad, that means salad toppings too. You came home with just lettuce. What am I supposed to do with just lettuce? If this happens again, I will fill your boots with romaine.

That is my H too. He's perfectly content eating bowl of fucking lettuce covered in ranch dressing.

[Deleted]

Mar 2, 2015 16:57:45 GMT -5 jenny1223 said:

Mar 2, 2015 16:48:19 GMT -5 @ygmg said:

H, if you ask if I want anything from the store and I say stuff for salad, that means salad toppings too. You came home with just lettuce. What am I supposed to do with just lettuce? If this happens again, I will fill your boots with romaine.

That is my H too. He's perfectly content eating bowl of fucking lettuce covered in ranch dressing.

Yeah, see, I would be a bit more understanding if my h was like that, but he's so not. Lol. I'll be making a salad and he's like "you gonna put some pecans in there? Maybe a little toasted almonds? Craisins? Remember that time you put poached eggs on our salads? That was good". Well, h, in order to make good salads, I'm gonna need something other than bagged romaine hearts.

[jenny1223]

Dear H, If you ever decide to remodel the kitchen (or any part of the house for that matter) without my consent, I WILL stab you in the neck.



(To be fair, we've been discussing doing the remodel in the near future and had most of the materials and layout planned. It's not like he did it on a whim. But I was not prepared to come home from work one day last week to my entire kitchen demoed and the contents of all our kitchen cabinets spread out around the first floor of the house.)

[jenny1223]

Mar 2, 2015 17:03:29 GMT -5 @ygmg said:

Mar 2, 2015 16:57:45 GMT -5 jenny1223 said:

That is my H too. He's perfectly content eating bowl of fucking lettuce covered in ranch dressing.

Yeah, see, I would be a bit more understanding if my h was like that, but he's so not. Lol. I'll be making a salad and he's like "you gonna put some pecans in there? Maybe a little toasted almonds? Craisins? Remember that time you put poached eggs on our salads? That was good". Well, h, in order to make good salads, I'm gonna need something other than bagged romaine hearts.

In that case, he should definitely know better!