Dating?

[spedrunner]

Do you think what YOU put out is what you will attract  in Return?   For example, my priorities are finding someone I can trust , will listen to me, encourage me to try new things, respect my space.....yet I have never been in Healthy relationship like this because I was never "healthy " myself.  I always chose partners that "needed" fixing

please tell me your positive experience? I'm beginning to lose hope that there is someone perfect for ME out there (not perfect just perfect for me.

[Deleted]

It's a nice thought to think that positive brings positive.  In some cases I belive there is truth to that...but with dating, I'm not so sure.  I feel that once you know what YOU want and need, and love yourself it's easier to find compatibility with a partner.  But I think finding a partner is kind of a combo of timing and luck.  

[jigsy]

I think it's not necessarily you get what you put out, but rather when you are herby and in a good place, you have far higher standards, so a dude who is a bad fit for you may still hit on you, but healthy you can reject it while unhealthy you may not have.

I see looking for a good, genuine relationship kind of like looking for the perfect seashell on a beach. You will find a lot of ugly shitty rocks, maybe some nice but broken shells, or a really pretty rock, which is great, but not what you want. For some, they will find their perfect shell quick, zone have to search a while.

[spedrunner]

I'm not sure if I am still just not quite ready to date (been on a few in the past few months and no matches or friendships).

I kind if feel "hopeless" that I won't be able to find someone I can trust and feel comfortable around. I feel like most of the guys I've dated are not at all what I want. I guess I fear I won't find someone that I will accept as well as will accept me? If that makes sense.

It would be nice to be in a healthy relationship but i am feeling very negative that there are "good" guys out there? Maybe that's bc I just don't feel Great about myself yet?

I guess I'm looking for friendship and trust first before intimacy. That's huge for me. I'm finding ,most guys I date want more than I'm willing to give right off the bat. I'm ok with that. I'm not ready and if they can't accept that they are not for me.

[Deleted]

Mar 2, 2015 20:26:56 GMT -5 spedrunner said:

I'm not sure if I am still just not quite ready to date (been on a few in the past few months and no matches or friendships).

I kind if feel "hopeless" that I won't be able to find someone I can trust and feel comfortable around. I feel like most of the guys I've dated are not at all what I want. I guess I fear I won't find someone that I will accept as well as will accept me? If that makes sense.

It would be nice to be in a healthy relationship but i am feeling very negative that there are "good" guys out there? Maybe that's bc I just don't feel Great about myself yet?

I guess I'm looking for friendship and trust first before intimacy. That's huge for me. I'm finding ,most guys I date want more than I'm willing to give right off the bat. I'm ok with that. I'm not ready and if they can't accept that they are not for me.

If you're unsure of being ready to date, that's perfectly ok.  If you're having doubts of finding someone compatible due to a few non connections, that's different.  Honestly, you need a thick skin while dating..you will absolutely need to weed through the crap to find your guy.  Some people just have more weeding to do for no good reason.  Maybe person A found someone in 6 months, while person B searched for 3 years. It doesn't mean person B is less desirable...maybe they just didn't get lucky enough to cross paths with someone great for them yet.  
When you find the right guy, he will accept you for you.  It may take time to build trust, it did for me.  It took me a while to really, truly believe that someone was trustworthy...because my xh fucked with my head so much.  It took me time to get used to someone loving me for me..learning that I could say anything without being afraid of what he'd think or throw it in my face later.  All of those things were MY issues.  Once I got over those things, being in a healthy relationship became so easy and great!  

[1confused1]

Mar 2, 2015 20:26:56 GMT -5 spedrunner said:

It would be nice to be in a healthy relationship but i am feeling very negative that there are "good" guys out there? Maybe that's bc I just don't feel Great about myself yet?

If you don't feel great about yourself, you're not ready to date. 

Seriously, what's the rush?  Get yourself in a better place, take your time and if it's right, it will happen.

[Deleted]

@gracie6414 put it perfectly. I suggest focus on making your life exactly as you want it and loving your life. A man is just the icing on the cake. I've been single for four years (mine a two month dating thing) and I don't "fear" not finding someone. Because there isn't anything to fear. They are now a nice to have, but not a must have. If by chance I never meet someone, then no biggie I've had a great life.

[jigsy]

Mar 3, 2015 0:00:21 GMT -5 @gracie6414 said:

Holy typos in my post.. 2 years in and I still suck at typing on an iPad.

I liked the bit about grinding the right guy

[Deleted]

Mar 3, 2015 0:29:58 GMT -5 @gracie6414 said:

Mar 3, 2015 0:16:12 GMT -5 jigsy said:

I liked the bit about grinding the right guy

Lol not my best typo but kind of hilariously timed.

Sped, I totally didn't mean grinding. I meant finding,

Nothin wrong with grinding on some guys too. LOL 

[Deleted]

I am not sure I fully understand the question. I do think that positive tends to attract more positive, and if you have a good attitude and know what you want (and refuse to settle for less), you're more likely to end up in a healthy relationship. But I don't really believe in any sort of "force" or whatever (a la "the Secret") where simply putting out certain thoughts results in anything happening. Not sure if that's where you're going anyway lol.

I think the best thing I can contribute to these sorts of questions is that I got really lucky and met a great guy. I am not special (anymore than anyone else, at least!) and had lots of doubts about trusting someone after divorce, about whether or not there was someone out there for me who was "right", and about ever being one of those people who is truly happy in a relationship. I married my XH because of a lot of wrong reasons (including fear that I wouldn't find anyone better) and didn't really expect dating after divorce to be any better. I felt pretty happy being single when I started dating, and really was looking more for some fun conversations and sex vs. any sort of serious relationship - but I happened to stumble upon a really great guy that I've been dating ever since. I never expected it.

My point being, if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I think anyone who is in a good place emotionally themselves can find a good relationship, but luck has a LOT to do with the timing on that. Don't get discouraged if you don't get lucky as quickly as someone else might. I do believe it will happen for you eventually, and in the meantime if you KOKO with the good stuff, you'll be happy no matter when it happens.