I'm weirdly emotional about this. I recently reconnected with an old friend on facebook (let's call her "C") that I met in 6th grade and knew in 6/7/8th - elementary and jr high. In 6th grade I had moved to a new school (halfway through the year) after my parents bought a new home. I moved from another nearby school where I had a "mean girl incident" - a bunch of my previously sweet, nerdy girlfriends decided they didn't want to be my friend and anymore and "ditched me." They did a bunch of mean shit like stole my diary, read it and left messages on my answering machine making fun of me (while reading it, etc.) I ended up seeing the bitches at jr high later and we all just ignored each other, but I never got over it.
Well, it turns out that C is friends with these bitches and she just invited me to her daughter's bday party who happens to be the same exact age as Max. I basically told her I have something else going on (which is a lie) so I wouldn't have to run into them.
Am I overreacting by not going? I feel like these wounds never went away. I know I will never get an apology, so I just need to move on - but it's not like we are in the same circles. They're all in OC and I live in SD and I would never have to deal w/ them on a regular basis but I just feel like I don't want to have a fun kids party get weird for me because of people I never want to see again. This one friend is literally one of 2 people who are friends w/ these girls that I know so I feel like I will never really need to be around them if I don't want to be. Plus, its not like we would get to catch up at a busy b-day party anyway :/
1. Good friends are hard to come by; and 2. Life is too short.
I never waste my time with friends who don't add value to my life in some way. I love my good friends (and I love you guys) so I devote time to each. I enjoy making new friends and I'm willing to give people a second shot, but I'm just not feeling good about a particular person, I don't give up my precious time or energy to them.
These gals might be perfectly nice now and might really want an opportunity to apologize to you but it also might be water under the bridge for them whereas it clearly still stings a little for you. Maybe after you spend more time with C you will feel ready to be in the same space as these other girls, maybe you won't. Both are ok choices to make. You aren't going to ruin your friendship with C by saying you're busy during the party. You can always offer to grab coffee with her another day and bring a long a gift for her daughter in lieu of going to the party anyway.
Post by Regina Philange on Mar 3, 2015 13:47:16 GMT -5
If its causing you this much anxiety and stress, and you are really dreading it, then i wouldn't go. Its not worth it! Your friend isn't going to hold a grudge because you are busy that day.
However, its been a longgggg time since middle school, and i would go to just show off how awesome you are.
I would FB stalk them, reassure myself I had aged WAAAY better than all those bitches, and then show up fabulous and perfect to the party.
Just kidding. I'd probably go because it was so long ago, and hopefully they all grew up. Maybe they're lovely, mature people now, and seeing them again would give you closure. Or they're hideous, miserable gremlins, which you're not, so you won.
1. Good friends are hard to come by; and 2. Life is too short.
I never waste my time with friends who don't add value to my life in some way. I love my good friends (and I love you guys) so I devote time to each. I enjoy making new friends and I'm willing to give people a second shot, but I'm just not feeling good about a particular person, I don't give up my precious time or energy to them.
These gals might be perfectly nice now and might really want an opportunity to apologize to you but it also might be water under the bridge for them whereas it clearly still stings a little for you. Maybe after you spend more time with C you will feel ready to be in the same space as these other girls, maybe you won't. Both are ok choices to make. You aren't going to ruin your friendship with C by saying you're busy during the party. You can always offer to grab coffee with her another day and bring a long a gift for her daughter in lieu of going to the party anyway.
Yeah, wise words! Thank you :-) I think they've probably long forgotten, or just don't give a shit. Funny, if it was me I would seek out the person and apologize. Then again maybe I've done shitty stuff and forgot too. I actually ran into a girl in community college that claimed that I "stole" the guy she had a crush on then. She happened to move to the bay area and go to the same community college as me (weird coincidence I guess!) and she was still bitter about it. Funny because I just ended up
I actually ran into a girl in community college that claimed that I "stole" the guy she had a crush on in 8th grade. She happened to move to the bay area and go to the same community college as me (weird coincidence I guess!) and she was still bitter about it. Funny because I just ended up being friends w/ the guy, we never dated. But she still felt the burn, and I think it's because we drifted apart and weren't good friends after that and she was an even bigger social outcast as me... so maybe I ditched her too. I tried to apologize and she just told me to fuck off.
If its causing you this much anxiety and stress, and you are really dreading it, then i wouldn't go. Its not worth it! Your friend isn't going to hold a grudge because you are busy that day.
However, its been a longgggg time since middle school, and i would go to just show off how awesome you are.
You know what's sad? I have so little self esteem at the moment (bc of weight gain, mostly) that I feel like the only things I have to show off are a) my hot hubby and b) my adorable kid. That's usually enough but in this case... lol. So shallow.
I would FB stalk them, reassure myself I had aged WAAAY better than all those bitches, and then show up fabulous and perfect to the party.
Just kidding. I'd probably go because it was so long ago, and hopefully they all grew up. Maybe they're lovely, mature people now, and seeing them again would give you closure. Or they're hideous, miserable gremlins, which you're not, so you won.
Oh, I already stalked one of them. She looks exactly the same, but older. It's very strange.
If you think M will have a great time, I would go. But I also don't have a lot of friends these days, especially any with kids, so I'd want any chance to foster those relationships. You can go, ignore them, and have a blast with M. However if you think you'd be too stressed to enjoy it or if it was to the point M would pick up on it then I'd skip it. I have esteem issues in situations like this also, but I make myself get over it by letting it be obvious to those people how happy I am with my family.
I did a lot of really stupid stuff when I was a teenager. I assume most other people did as well. I try not to hold that stuff against people into my adult life. I am a totally different person now, and I would hate to be judged now on the things I did then.
I did a lot of really stupid stuff when I was a teenager. I assume most other people did as well. I try not to hold that stuff against people into my adult life. I am a totally different person now, and I would hate to be judged now on the things I did then.
It's good to hear that. I often just assume people who were mean kids just turned into asshole adults, but obviously that's not always the case.
I wouldn't go. Some of the things I went through in middle school and high school still stick with me. So, I get it and I think it's perfectly fine to decline and I would too.
I think I have said this before, but I wasn't popular in HS or middle school and made fun of a lot ( acid thrown on my car to ruin the paint, someone wrote a poem about me and put 5 billion copies all over campus, etc). When I run into those people now I am quite smug. You have a wonderful life and are an amazing person. There have been 3 women, when the timing was right, that have actually apologized to me. You never know.
If you like your friend and want to go to the party I wouldn't let something from high school stop me. Show up, be proud and it's even ok to be smug.
Post by The Foozzler on Mar 3, 2015 15:06:08 GMT -5
I am sure there's quite a few scorned people out there that I was unnecessarily cruel to growing up. I can think of 2 that definitely didn't deserve the way I treated them. But that was 20 years ago. I hope I am past that behavior. And conversely, I had some people that were just mean to me.
If you don't want to go, don't go. But I should hope these women have grown up since middle school.
Post by skiesthelimit on Mar 3, 2015 15:07:14 GMT -5
I probably wouldn't go because I would feel too unconfortable; but then again, I'm a huge introvert and get nervous going anywhere.
Like irishsara said, I also did some pretty stupid stuff as a teen that I regret and I'm a really different person now. So people can change. They may feel really bad and just as nervous as you about going.
Hugs to you. I'm sorry they did that stuff to you. It sounds awful.
I probably wouldn't go because I would feel too unconfortable; but then again, I'm a huge introvert and get nervous going anywhere.
Like irishsara said, I also did some pretty stupid stuff as a teen that I regret and I'm a really different person now. So people can change. They may feel really bad and just as nervous as you about going.
Hugs to you. I'm sorry they did that stuff to you. It sounds awful.
Thanks! I had major social anxiety as a kid (possibly bc of this) that I pushed myself to get over but it comes up at parties/social settings and I just have to push past it. I am not afraid of them, or fear that they will "be mean" again or something like that but more like I don't want to force myself to relive that if I see them - I feel like it may come up again.
I remember my Mom telling me that I basically went through a very heavy depression as a result, and blocked some of the stuff they did to me. I think maybe seeing them again will bring it up and cause some anxiety for me. Then again it could be cathartic :/ Just doesn't seem really appropriate for a kids party either way...
I was also pretty mean to one person that i can think of, I think about it every now and then and I cringe, I can't believe that I did such awful things to someone, what a mean kid I was. Anyway she is the daughter of my parents' neighbors so we see each other all the time and we're fb friends and get along great, our kids are the same age so we get them together a couple times a year. I am a totally different person as an adult and I don't think the stuff I did as a kid should still be held against me. We haven't actually talked about it but sometimes I wonder if she even remembers. Anyway if it makes you really uncomfortable then don't go but I wouldn't assume people are still gonna be talking about stuff that happened 20 years ago.
I also think if something happened to you, even 20 years ago, and you run into that person now it is ok to say " Hey, you really hurt my feelings x years ago and caused XYZ".It does not matter if it was 20 years ago of 5 minutes ago. Yea, teens and children can be cruel, but I don't think it is ok. I think the victim should speak up if they need to. If you run into someone you were mean to in your younger days, an apology is nice. You never know the impact you had on someone and how easy it is to right the wrong.
I also think if something happened to you, even 20 years ago, and you run into that person now it is ok to say " Hey, you really hurt my feelings x years ago and caused XYZ".It does not matter if it was 20 years ago of 5 minutes ago. Yea, teens and children can be cruel, but I don't think it is ok. I think the victim should speak up if they need to. If you run into someone you were mean to in your younger days, an apology is nice. You never know the impact you had on someone and how easy it is to right the wrong.
I agree with you on principle, but I don't know that a child's birthday party is the right venue for hashing it out.
I also think if something happened to you, even 20 years ago, and you run into that person now it is ok to say " Hey, you really hurt my feelings x years ago and caused XYZ".It does not matter if it was 20 years ago of 5 minutes ago. Yea, teens and children can be cruel, but I don't think it is ok. I think the victim should speak up if they need to. If you run into someone you were mean to in your younger days, an apology is nice. You never know the impact you had on someone and how easy it is to right the wrong.
I agree with you on principle, but I don't know that a child's birthday party is the right venue for hashing it out.
Well, I would expect people to be adults so I wasn't talking about hashing out anything or causing a scene. A gentle, sincere whispering of " Hey, I am really sorry if I caused you any pain when we are younger and it weighs on my mind so I wanted to apologize." while you are both at the punch bowl is usually sufficient.
EDIT: My statement about talking to your agressor wasn't in regards to the party. Obviously, you shouldn't create a scene at a birthday party, that never entered into my mind that someone would do that, so I guess I should have clarified. I thought of it after reading some of the responses.
Nope. I'd stay home with my hot dh, adorable kid and be super happy with that. I was the subject of cruel kids as a child. I get it. They were a - holes back then and I wouldn't give them the time of day. Nope.
I'll say this, I think lots of mean girls are mean girl adults. Some bullies are always bullies and I just wouldn't be willing to travel and subject myself to that. The stuff they did sounds really awful and I bet they would act all cheerful and totally "OMG Devo it's been so long! How are you?" And act like nothing ever happened. Nope.
I'm sure we all did something to someone as a kid but girls/women in packs that have a long history are people I stray away from.
devotchka, I wish I could say I'd be mature and show off my awesomeness, but I know I'd either feel insecure or angry and neither of those things spell out fun party to me. I guess if you're really undecided on if you should go, ask yourself what you see happening at the party and the likelihood that it will actually go down that way.
I did "stupid stuff" as a kid and teen, but things like speeding, not bullying/cruelty to other kids. I think it's easy for the aggressor to say "we get along great now, it's all good. I was just a stupid kid" but the victim still feels the hurt all these years later. I don't hear many victims coming forward saying "it's all water under the bridge to me".
I was kept on the periphery of my main group of friends (9 other girls in my dance school) due to a mean girl and it sucked. I cried so many tears in high school for being left out. There were 10 of us and they called themselves "the great eight"...etc., then always talked about the parties I wasn't invited to in front of me at the parties their moms forced them to include me in. I see the mean girl occasionally in adulthood when I go home since we're in the same group of friends. I play nice but I would never be a close friend of hers. I have self-confidence to spare as an adult and am comfortable in my own skin now. I don't wish ill will on her now, but I don't have a lot of love for her either.
Anyway, devotchka, I get it. I wouldn't blame you at all for skipping the party even if I knew the reason. And I see no reason for you to have to explain yourself to your friend either.
I also think if something happened to you, even 20 years ago, and you run into that person now it is ok to say " Hey, you really hurt my feelings x years ago and caused XYZ".It does not matter if it was 20 years ago of 5 minutes ago. Yea, teens and children can be cruel, but I don't think it is ok. I think the victim should speak up if they need to. If you run into someone you were mean to in your younger days, an apology is nice. You never know the impact you had on someone and how easy it is to right the wrong.
I think if i ran into (the main aggressor) w/o my kid and husband in tow at a different social event I would totally say something. However, that won't happen (very unlikely!) Then again, I am not really a fan of conflict so I might just do nothing.
Thanks for your input everyone. It's been helpful to hash it out and read your take on this. I felt kind of weak about it earlier, like how can I let something like this affect me after all these years... but I realize everyone has baggage. It's good to talk about it. You all rock. <3
I was also pretty mean to one person that i can think of, I think about it every now and then and I cringe, I can't believe that I did such awful things to someone, what a mean kid I was. Anyway she is the daughter of my parents' neighbors so we see each other all the time and we're fb friends and get along great, our kids are the same age so we get them together a couple times a year. I am a totally different person as an adult and I don't think the stuff I did as a kid should still be held against me. We haven't actually talked about it but sometimes I wonder if she even remembers. Anyway if it makes you really uncomfortable then don't go but I wouldn't assume people are still gonna be talking about stuff that happened 20 years ago.
Have you ever thought about saying something to her? It might help you get past it :/ Then again it might not matter as much to her if she seems cool w/ you.
I actually have a few people I "unfriended" in real life bc I just couldn't handle their BS. One girl in particular would constantly compete w/ me (I had no interest in doing this) and do weird shit like try to date my long-term ex-bf behind my back (the one before H, which was really my "big") - just fucked up. I basically just cut her out of my life. So anyone I'm really not ok with, I don't talk to :/
You are not weak for letting it effect you. Words and actions hurt even if it happened long ago. I might be petty for saying this but, there's a few people in high school that were really a - holes and a few times they've popped up on my newsfeed as someone you might know. You bet I stalked their page and reveled at how much better my life is. If everyone posts only the best to Facebook, there's looked really sad. And you know what, as petty as it is, I thought to myself, "that's karma". If you're an ass, karma will bite you eventually.