Wedding Related BM question

[AHappierHour]

We are started to plan and talk about the wedding again and I asked people to be in my bridal party already. One of them is FI's cousin who I adore but now in a huge fight with another cousin. They both are stubborn and both in the wrong. We stay out of their issues but the one I asked to be. BM cousin will not be in the same room with the other. I feel like I need to ask her if she still wants to be BM because we will be invited the other cousin to the wedding/shower. I hope she can put her differences aside during that time. Should I talk to her?

[wannabe]

Stay out of it and focus on your wedding. It's up to them to deal with their situation as adults.

[AHappierHour]

I'm definitely Trying not to feed drama. I'm trying to avoid it at all costs. I just didn't know if saying something was better then blindsiding her.

[ECB]

Their issues have nothing to do with your wedding. Let it be.

When is your wedding, BTW?

[ECB]

Mar 6, 2015 15:20:08 GMT -5 AHappierHour said:

I'm definitely I trying to feed drama. I'm trying to avoid it at all costs. I just didn't know if saying something was better then blindsiding her.

Do you really feel that you inviting her cousin is really going to blindside her?? 

[AHappierHour]

Mar 6, 2015 15:20:49 GMT -5 ECB said:

Their issues have nothing to do with your wedding. Let it be.

When is your wedding, BTW?

We just started looking for venues again. Hopefully next fall. We want to find the right venue then pick s date off their availability

[ECB]

Next fall? Even more so - there is plenty of time. You have no idea what is going to go on with these girls between now and then. To bring up your wedding really will only feed the drama.

If your wedding were next week, o.k., I might be concerned. But fall? Let this issue with them go for now.

[AHappierHour]

Mar 6, 2015 15:21:50 GMT -5 ECB said:

Mar 6, 2015 15:20:08 GMT -5 AHappierHour said:

I'm definitely I trying to feed drama. I'm trying to avoid it at all costs. I just didn't know if saying something was better then blindsiding her.

Do you really feel that you inviting her cousin is really going to blindside her?? 

Kinda, she should know the she would be invited. But BM cousin has made it very clear she will never attend anything if the other is there. We stay out their mess and ignore normally.

[AHappierHour]

Mar 6, 2015 15:23:58 GMT -5 ECB said:

Next fall? Even more so - there is plenty of time. You have no idea what is going to go on with these girls between now and then. To bring up your wedding really will only feed the drama.

If your wedding were next week, o.k., I might be concerned. But fall? Let this issue with them go for now.

This has been going on for 6ish months already and I don't see it ending it's kinda just became the norm.

[wannabe]

Ignore as usual. Let them figure it out. You have nothing to do but plan your wedding.

[ECB]

Oh good lord, on all fronts. But really- stay out of it. If it really comes down to "if she's invited, I'm not coming", call her bluff. I'd just say "I'm really sorry to hear that. But this is between the two of you. If you really can't put this aside for my wedding, well, that's obviously your choice and it makes me sad. But, again, this is between the two of you.".

If she REALLY doesn't come, then she's shockingly immature and you just have to let her make that choice. I realize she's in your WP, but at the end of the day- her not being there really isn't going to affect anything. You'll still be able to get married.

[AHappierHour]

Thanks for the advice

[Deleted]

Just stay out of it.

If she chooses not to be a bridesmaid then she's dumb and immature. Don't let it affect you.

[agnes]

Just keep planning the main parts of the wedding. For all you know, they could kiss and make up next month. Or not.

H's grandma divorced his grandpa back in the 80s. Soon after, H's grandpa married the woman he had an affair with. H's grandma has said, "I'm not coming if Step-Grandma is invited." Well, it held true for BIL's wedding, but both came to ours. We just sat them very far apart.

[rosiebear]

Mar 6, 2015 15:37:45 GMT -5 @booby said:

idk. i mean, i get why people are saying to stay out of it. but given the situation (you are the bride in a wedding!), i would kind of want to know which of my BMs are planning on being complete pains in the asses before i get too deep in the planning.

i would ask her. or rather, have your FI ask her. preferably in a light-hearted BUT pointed way. and in person. "cousin - we're really happy you are going to be a BM. you know that obviously other cousin will be invited to the wedding. you aren't planning on holding on to your 'i refuse to be in the same room as cousin' thing throughout the course fo the wedding events, are you?'

It doesn't have to be a pain if you don't let it be.  What does it really matter if, at the last minute, a bridesmaid refuses to show up at a shower or at the wedding itself because she can't be an adult? 

OP, I say ask her if you want to, but don't say anything else about it (you really don't want to have to defend your choice to invite your other cousin, and it sounds like this woman will challenge you on that choice if open the door by "warning" her that cousin will be in attendance) and be willing to accept that she might bail out.

[Velvetshady]

Why are you asking a 12-year old to be a BM?

[shostakovich]

Whenever I see BM anywhere on ML, I always think it's an abbreviation of bowel movement. Given ML, I don't think this is a far stretch.

Also this BM is being a turd, so.

[MixedBerryJam]

Mar 6, 2015 15:37:45 GMT -5 @booby said:

...
i would ask her. or rather, have your FI ask her. preferably in a light-hearted BUT pointed way. and in person. ...

Nope. Not even. If, on the day of the wedding, they are still feuding and BM legit refuses to attend the wedding, what will happen? The show will go on. As it gets closer to the wedding, I'm betting it will be obvious what will happen, one way or the other.

OP, stay out of it ... but I hope she comes to her senses!