When I received an advance copy of a book called "Moody Bitches" last month, I was immediately intrigued.
I have been called moody, and the "b" word, but never have both terms been used -- at once -- to describe me. (At least not that I know of!)
Had I been labeled a moody "b" in the past, I certainly would have taken it as a major insult. Psychiatrist Julie Holland, author of "Moody Bitches," has practiced in New York for 20 years. Psychiatrist Julie Holland, author of "Moody Bitches," has practiced in New York for 20 years.
But today, if someone called me that, I think I would say, "Thank you for describing who I am and who we, women, are. There is nothing wrong with being moody, emotional or irritable."
That provocative title, "Moody Bitches: The Truth About the Drugs You're Taking, the Sleep You're Missing, the Sex You're Not Having and What's Really Making You Crazy," got me thinking about whether our emotionality, our monthly ups and downs during our menstrual cycle, should be viewed as such a negative after all.
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"Women have this idea that we are supposed to not be moody and we're supposed to tamp down that moodiness," said Julie Holland, author of "Moody Bitches" and a psychiatrist who has practiced in New York for 20 years.
"It's like a problem to be fixed and really, I think it's our greatest asset. It's certainly our greatest psychological asset."
After all, our empathetic nature helps us understand nonverbal babies -- and not-always-the-most-communicative husbands and partners. Our intuition helps us sense people's motivations. Our emotions help us realize when something is wrong in our lives.
So, why on earth have all of those qualities come to be viewed as a source of weakness, not strength? And why is at least one in four American women taking some form of psychiatric medication, including antidepressants, versus one in seven men, according to Holland?
Some of these women definitely should be taking antidepressants and other medications, but the question is why are so many other women taking them when they don't need to be?
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Yazel, a mom of a 4-year-old, wondered if people are afraid of being unhappy.
"I do think that people are afraid to be sad and they're afraid to be scared," Holland said.
"I think we spend a lot of time and energy pushing down emotions that are uncomfortable for us. I don't want to cry right now. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be scared so we push it down, but the problem with pushing it down is it takes a lot of energy and it ends up creating a lot of tension."
Social media, with the endless barrage of gorgeous-looking pictures from family and friends who appear to be having the most perfect lives, certainly doesn't help. In fact, a recent study showed that heavy Facebook users experience envy, which could lead to extreme sadness and depression.
"Everyone's Instagraming their best, most fabulous, freakin' pictures, and they're looking so skinny and beautiful and so happy, and they're going on vacation ... and then you compare it to your life," said Hostin, a mom of two.
It's not a real or genuine life, Holland said. "It's plastic."
But when more and more women medicate away their emotions when they don't need to be taking antidepressants or any other psychiatric drugs, they create a "new normal," she said.
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"It's like doping and biking, or steroids and baseball. If everybody is doing it, then the ones who don't are at a disadvantage," said Holland, who is also the author of the best-selling memoir "Weekends at Bellevue." Feeling blue? Get off Facebook
"If everyone is getting boob jobs, then people who don't end up feeling flat-chested."
And when it seems more normal than not to be on mental health meds, the bar is lowered for when women will go on antidepressants, she said.
Women who are medicating away their emotions when they don't need to be might not realize there are major effects to their decision. Notably, they find it more difficult to cry -- and tougher to orgasm.
"I certainly talk to my patients about sexual side effects. It comes up all the time. In our first meeting, I ask ... 'Is it hard for you to climax because this may end up being an issue? It's going to be even harder' ... but it's not like it's in the advertising," Holland said.
"It may be in the small print on the back of the ad, or they may say it at lightning speed during the TV commercial."
Women today are subjected to a barrage of advertising -- from daytime talk shows to women's magazines -- about the medications they could take to make them feel better.
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"Twenty years ago, when I started my practice, I had somebody come to me and they would have symptoms, but they didn't quite know what was wrong and what they needed. And now people come to me and it's like, 'Well can you explain the difference between Effexor and Wellbutrin, and can you tell me which one I should take?' "
The conversation "advanced from 'Is there something wrong with me? Do I need medicine?' to 'Which medicine is right for me?' " said Holland, who points to how nine out of 10 of the big pharmaceutical companies spend more on marketing than on research and development.
What we're also seeing, Holland said, is a growing belief by women in the workplace that they need the meds to control their emotions at the office.
She tells the story of a woman who called her up in tears and said she needed new antidepressants because clearly her current meds weren't preventing her from crying at work.
When Holland asked her what caused her to cry, she said her boss was being difficult. Holland said what was needed was a plan to confront her boss, not a prescription for a new medication.
"I hate to see us medicating away our sensitivity and emotionality for the comfort of other people in the workplace. I think it's a big mistake."
Thinking about trying to control our emotionality for the comfort of others reminded me of a college relationship, which I shared with Hostin, Yazel and Holland.
My boyfriend at the time told me one of my problems (he clearly thought I had many!) was that my highs were too high and my lows were too low.
He said I needed to live in the middle. "You should be more like me, like a man," joked Holland.
Clearly, that relationship didn't last very long!
As we wrapped up, I asked the women what the biggest takeaway was for them following our conversation about Holland's thoughtful new book.
"Don't give up your awesome orgasms," said Yazel. (Amen to that!)
"So it's OK to be a moody 'b'?' " Hostin asked.
"It's OK to be a moody 'b,' " Holland replied.
"Our sensitivity and our emotionality is an asset. It's not a liability. It's not a symptom that needs to be medicated away."
This is such a difficult situation, because everyone has such a different baseline, and it's difficult to differentiate between environmental factors and biological factors, and many times it is a combination of the two. This kind of goes back to the libido thing to. It's all well and good to say "Well it's society's problem", but if it is affecting how you feel, your family life, your social life, your love life, or your work", then shifting he blame doesn't do anyone any good. You still need to figure out how to find happiness and balance within that framework. That may be going to therapy, it maybe drugs, it may be realigning your partners expectations, whatever. It may be ok to be a moody b, that doesn't mean that it won't have negative consequences. I think the conversation is certainly worth having, and needs to be had continually to affect change, but we also need to look for stop gap measures while we wait.
I feel like I'm walking this line- I know that I get bad 10 or so days before my period. I'm mean, and snippy, and I don't feel like I can help it, and I keep wondering how bad it needs to be before I do something about it.
Well I think a medical professional should be the one to determine if a person needs a med. if the emotions are affecting their daily life then obviously meds might be a good option. But the crying in front of the boss once or twice doesn't necessarily indicate a problem.
Also, I wonder about the 1 in 4 vs 1 in 7 men on antidepressants. I don't think that's telling the whole story. Women are more likely to go to the doctor in the first place and even more likely to admit having any psychological problems.
I feel like I'm walking this line- I know that I get bad 10 or so days before my period. I'm mean, and snippy, and I don't feel like I can help it, and I keep wondering how bad it needs to be before I do something about it.
for me it was when it really started effecting my life. Like a little moodiness I can handle, but I would get so pissed at the world right before I ovulated and right before my period. And since my cycles are only 21 days long this was really like more than half the month. I'm on ADs anyway, but I started BCP to help with the hormonal moodiness and it's helped a ton.
It's interesting, I actually find it easier to cry on ADs than without them. In general though my extreme emotions are "normal" for me, I was born that way. I still feel fine taking meds to reduce them, because they were not manageable for me and significantly impacted my life. I hope I never ever feel that kind if uncontrollable anxiety and rage or paralyzing depression again. And sure I miss some stuff like the intense euphoria, but even that was a little hard to control.
Eta: I cried in front if a (female) boss a couple times and most definitely had a negative impact on me in that job. I agree that society needs to change but I find it hard to blame women who have to live in society as it is for doing something like this to be more successful.
I feel like I'm walking this line- I know that I get bad 10 or so days before my period. I'm mean, and snippy, and I don't feel like I can help it, and I keep wondering how bad it needs to be before I do something about it.
For me it was when my mood swings were making me really unhappy, and when the lows caused more problems than the good days could fix.
Personally, I think that when you're to the point you think it might be time to do something it's worth talking to a doctor to see what your options are. That way you can make an informed decision about whether the cons of treating are worth the potential benefit. Asking about your options doesn't mean you have to use any of them. It just tells you what they are.
Ofcourse emotions are ok. But drugs are ok too. Therapy is ok too. The vast majority of people aren't trying to "take their emotions away". That's actually a side effect many people don't like about certain SSRIs.
My eyes glazed over half way through but does she mention alcohol and comfort food in here too? Are they to be avoided as well? What about funny or sad movies? Music? They all play with our emotions!!!111
This has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been feeling incredibly moody lately, but I believe the causes are external. I don't have too much control over those things at the moment which only makes me more moody and in the meantime, I'm surely annoying my family. It wouldn’t be right to medicate but sometimes I wish I could for a few years.