I need work help

[hulley]

Today was a very bad day at work. My coworker (more senior than me, she is the full time teacher and I am part time) snapped at me when I asked a question, as she often does. She tends to go off on tangents and I had a project to complete so I left the room to go work in the teacher workroom when she was done speaking. About half an hour later, she came in and berated me in front of my coworkers, accusing me of not fulfilling my job responsibilities and implying our Principal is "watching" all of us. She was recently disciplined for not servicing students on her case load. I have never been in trouble for this and have documented my compliance with our regulations from Day 1. I have no worries about being reprimanded about that, but how do I approach this? The way she behaved was unacceptable and embarrassing. I avoided her for the rest of the day but I want to address this further tomorrow. Should I request a meeting with our boss since she brought him into this? I need phrasing help.

[Deleted]

hulley - running now, but a quick reply - you should be well within your rights to SHUT DOWN any berating in the moment. It can be really really surprising / surreal when it happens - (like..."WTF is happening to me right now, is this real!?") but now that you know she is unhinged, practice. Some quick ideas to get started are below.

I think you absolutely need to go directly to your boss (and potentially HR) to raise the flag on another employee trying to discipline you. And - DOCUMENT!

"Sarah, you aren't my direct supervisor, so please share that feedback with my supervisor, Sally."
"Sarah, these are serious comments, we should discuss with my boss."
"Sarah, this isn't appropriate. If you have an issue with my performance, we should sit down with my boss."

Good luck, coworker drama = worst.

[hulley]

@shoegal - thank you! The surreal-ness of it is exactly what happened. I was too "WTF??" to say anything other than "I don't think we should discuss this here" and "i'd appreciate you letting me get back to my project".

We are in a tricky situation, she is not my boss or supervisor but contributes feedback to my annual review and assigns my caseload (which, in her case, means she assigns all the students she doesn't want to me, but that's another story)

Thank you for confirming I am not, in fact, crazy. And good point on the documentation. I will do that right now.

[starburst]

Do you have a union rep that you could talk to? I know at the school where I work, when there is a conflict between teachers, it is often handled through the union rep.

[hulley]

Mar 17, 2015 19:03:41 GMT -5 starburst said:

Do you have a union rep that you could talk to? I know at the school where I work, when there is a conflict between teachers, it is often handled through the union rep.

We are not union, unfortunately.

[hulley]

Thanks RockNVoll. Admittedly, my first instinct is to avoid conflict and run away. I considered just taking tomorrow off and letting it die down but then I got angry and decided not to let this person determine whether I feel safe at work. She is a bully and has made that clear this year.

I will work on taking the emotional language out of the equation. I'm sure our boss can surmise for himself that this situation was hostile and demeaning.

[rubytue]

We were just discussing this in class on Monday, The advice was: Calmly and softly, look at her and say "Crazy coworker, I'd be happy to talk to you about this, but I can't hear you when you are yelling. Can we discuss this once you have calmed down?"

Easier said than done. And I've seen that blow up. Like a completely unhinged guy keep yelling telling the other guy to stop yelling (when he was talking calmly and softly - I was brought in as the witness). I prefer the advice to recommend scheduling a meeting with your supervisor(s) to discuss.

[hulley]

I am at work now and so anxious about bringing this up. Coworker. Is, of course, pretending as if nothing happened. Give me courage, MM

[Deleted]

Mar 18, 2015 8:41:30 GMT -5 hulley said:

I am at work now and so anxious about bringing this up. Coworker. Is, of course, pretending as if nothing happened. Give me courage, MM

You got this! The PPs gave you wise words of advice. Practice saying them out loud before you go into your meeting. Stick to the facts and be confident that you have done nothing wrong.

Focus on the excellent services you provide for your students and draw your strength from that.

[ECB]

Mar 18, 2015 8:41:30 GMT -5 hulley said:

I am at work now and so anxious about bringing this up. Coworker. Is, of course, pretending as if nothing happened. Give me courage, MM

Bullies bully because it puts people where they want them - scared and quiet.  So... speak up.  Push back.  That will shock her.

And I always contend- if you don't report this to her boss, they can't act on information they don't know. If they are made aware, or given MORE information to add to what they might already know, it might lead to action on their part. 

Take away her power.  Seriously. 

[dexteroni]

Oh man, she sounds crazy. Definitely meet with your boss, both about her allegations, which I'm presuming are false, and the extreme unprofessionalism she displayed by going off about ANYTHING work related, true or not, in front of your coworkers. You would be surprised at how often bullies back down once they're busted for their behavior. Good luck!

[dr.girlfriend]

I know it's hard, but conflict resolution is part of your development as a professional. You will run into interpersonal issues throughout your career, and learning to manage them is like any other job skill.

I would find a time when you are alone and have time and say, "I want to talk to you about the interaction we had the other day. The way you spoke to me in front of my colleagues and our boss was not appropriate, and I need to hear from you that something like that is not going to happen again."

If she makes excuses I would say, "Regardless of what you were upset about, you need to treat me with respect. If you have a concern with me, you can ask to speak to me privately, or if you have concerns about my job performance we can meet with boss together." If she gets angry again, I would bring the concern to the boss in a similar way. If she apologizes, then that's great and I would leave it alone. If it helps, role play different responses with someone you trust like a spouse so you have some "talking points." Good luck! I've found that any time this happens with me the results are always SO much better than I expected.

[hulley]

Well, that went about as awfully as I could imagine. Our boss was still unable to meet today, so I tried to approach her and let her know I wish she had spoken with me privately yesterday, as now other coworkers were approaching me asking what happened. She shut our classroom door and began yelling at me. Like, literally yelling. I told her if she felt so strongly we need to meet with our boss. She stopped for a while, and then started in again.

I'm teary-eyed seeing your words of support.

Oh, she also told me she will not stand for being bullied by me. LOfuckingL to that.

Thanks, you guys. I can't tell anyone at work what's going on so it helps to have an outlet.

[hulley]

Oh, and RockNVoll, I have documented everything, including today's outburst, without any emotional language

[ECB]

By the way- YOU need to meet with your boss ALONE. If he/she wants to then meet with her too (which I imagine would be the case), that's fine. But you need to lay out your issues w/o her being there.

[hulley]

Mar 18, 2015 11:38:17 GMT -5 ECB said:

By the way- YOU need to meet with your boss ALONE. If he/she wants to then meet with her too (which I imagine would be the case), that's fine. But you need to lay out your issues w/o her being there.

That's good advice. It hadn't occurred to me that I had that option.

[irene adler]

Yikes.

YOu are handling this perfectly. Sending good vibes your way.

[ECB]

Mar 18, 2015 11:43:38 GMT -5 hulley said:

Mar 18, 2015 11:38:17 GMT -5 ECB said:

By the way- YOU need to meet with your boss ALONE. If he/she wants to then meet with her too (which I imagine would be the case), that's fine. But you need to lay out your issues w/o her being there.

That's good advice. It hadn't occurred to me that I had that option.

Oh my - yes, it is an option!  Especially for the issues you're having.  You are allowed to report her/ have a discussion about her w/o her being there.  How much your boss involves her and/or the two of you together remains to be seen.  But yes, I would report your issues w/o her being there.  This way your boss can tlak to you, ask questions, etc - especially if there is already concerns about her.

[hulley]

Mar 18, 2015 12:08:58 GMT -5 RockNVoll said:

What specifically is she claiming you did that equals bullying?  And what was she yelling about?  I'm trying to figure out if she's straight up nuts or if she has some basis for being annoyed (whether reasonable or not).  It's amazing the alternate realities people can create for themselves.

She couldn't give me one example of my bullying her when asked. I think it was just something to say. She slammed both her hands down on her desk and yelled it, so I think she was going for drama. 
She threatened me with going to our principal, so I told her to feel free because I have nothing to hide. She did not. One issue was the fact that I'd given up an extra duty we are offered in order to be at home for DD. Apparently this means I hate my job and am conspiring to get all the full time teachers fired. And since she has two children and doesn't have a husband, my "kid excuse" isn't good enough. Maybe she is upset I quit that duty? IDK. She told me I'm unable to take direction. It was all over the place. 

I don't know, I have documentation of everything I have done to maintain compliance with our federal regulations. I'm not worried about losing my job, but I just may leave it. We don't need the money, I make a pittance anyway. We have savings. I just don't want to let her "win" by leaving. She has created an awful environment in our room (there are 4 people that share our room) and everyone is walking on eggshells. 

She's just crazy. I emailed our big boss and requested a meeting tomorrow. We'll see what happens. 

[lime]

Good luck; you've got this.

Are you close to the other 3 people that you share a room with?

[hulley]

Mar 18, 2015 16:01:12 GMT -5 lime said:

Good luck; you've got this.

Are you close to the other 3 people that you share a room with?

Thanks. 3 of us (myself, crazy coworker and another PT person) are part of the same program, and we share with person 4, who teaches a different specialty. I am friendly with the others, much more so than crazy coworker, but not enough that I feel they'd involve themselves in this at all. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking, anyway.