Question: My husband and I were given extremely low odds of getting pregnant, even with various fertility interventions. During that time, I learned how painful it can be to hear about other people’s pregnancies — like a grenade being thrown at you. Now, I am on the other side of things. I am almost at the end of my first trimester of pregnancy. I want to be open with friends but sensitive to the fact that our joy may cause others pain. What is the best way to deal with this, especially with people with fertility issues?
ANONYMOUS
Answer: It takes a kind heart (the engine of good manners) to get that sometimes even the simplest factual declarations — “I’m pregnant,” “Johnny got into Harvard,” “Miles Teller and Ansel Elgort both asked me to marry them” — can create a vicious sting. Friendship is a two-way street. Can we really expect our pals to be thrilled for us when we aren’t mindful of their deepest vulnerabilities?
Avoid sharing your news on Facebook or Twitter. It may seem harmless, but do 726 “friends” really need to know you’re carrying a child? What’s more, social media posts have become almost synonymous with bragging — or more accurately, may be interpreted that way by an anguished husband or wife. Share your intimate news intimately. Tell pals one on one, especially those you suspect may be struggling with fertility issues. But remember: Many couples keep their (unwarranted) shame and grief secret.
Say (softly and calmly): “I want to tell you something I never thought I would be able to say. Michael and I finally got pregnant.” Do not comment on their difficulties; alluding to your own is enough to put you in league together. And don’t expect people to be over the moon for you immediately. It may take time for some friends to work past their darker feelings on the way to happiness for you. (And by the way, congratulations! The only thing better than your news is your thoughtfulness.)
I really like this, especially the part where it said social media posts are synonymous with bragging. I see that more often than not lately. Not from the pregnancy announcements but just in general.
I like how they mention that someone may not be immediately over-the-moon happy for you. I experienced this with one of my friends (who now has a 1 month old). I was devastated (unwarranted, I know) when I found out that she was pregnant. it took me a long time to be happy for her. but I eventually got there.
I still wish people would realize that the occupancy or soon-to-be occupancy of my uterus is none of their business. I am so sick of people at work asking me when I'm having a kid. I had someone at work ask me the other day when I was going to have a baby so that they could throw me a shower. then she proceeded to tell me that I need to get pregnant in either February or March so that I could have the holidays off during maternity leave. yes, wouldn't it be nice to be able to choose the month I get pregnant. I realize that she didn't mean anything by it, but it drives me crazy. and I'm fielding questions like this all the time since I've been there so long and just about every other married girl there has already had a kid. I'm one of the few who hasn't. I always feel like I'm not convincing when I just smile and say "we'll see!".
Post by cinderbella on Mar 26, 2015 21:46:23 GMT -5
Three announcements today - one in person (coworker), one over Facebook, and one over email.
I'm so, so, so happy for them - especially the one that came over email..... I know she's also my biggest cheerleader in this journey - but, ugh. Trying not to be sad or feel extra pressure for this month to work.
raangoli: yep! I deactivated Facebook on Monday and it feels so good to be away from the bragging. kellikans: I used to say we will see. With people I am closer to I now say that I would very much like to have a kid. That sends th message a bit more clearly. cinderbella: hugs.
Love of my life baby boy born 11/11. One and done not by choice; 3 years of TTC yielded 4 MMC and 2 CPs, through 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs. Focusing on making the world a better place instead...and running.
I also like the fact that it mentions people might not be super happy for you. I feel like it's very common, even on these boards, to say 'I am happy for friend, but sad for me.' Don't get me wrong, if you can manage to be happy for someone while being sad for yourself, I think it's admirable. But I have never managed to do that. I have had a couple of good friends get pregnant after we lost our daughter. I can't say I was happy for them. I came to accept it, and I wished them well, but I could not summon the energy to be happy for them when I was working so hard to find small joys in my own new normal.
I also like the fact that it mentions people might not be super happy for you. I feel like it's very common, even on these boards, to say 'I am happy for friend, but sad for me.' Don't get me wrong, if you can manage to be happy for someone while being sad for yourself, I think it's admirable. But I have never managed to do that. I have had a couple of good friends get pregnant after we lost our daughter. I can't say I was happy for them. I came to accept it, and I wished them well, but I could not summon the energy to be happy for them when I was working so hard to find small joys in my own new normal.
That's a really good point, loira. It does take a lot of emotional energy to stay happy for others, even while you're so sad for yourself. If I'm quite honest, I have not been able to truly be "happy" for some friends for whom it came really easily. I was friends with one girl from my BMB, but I've written her off now. She'd been trying 2 months, and said to my best TTTC friend and I that she hoped we ALL got "miracle BFPs." Um, don't include yourself in the category for whom you need a miracle for a BFP. TTTC friend and I have both been at it a year, a year+ and had two losses. I am not able to be 'happy for her, sad for me' with that person.
Love of my life baby boy born 11/11. One and done not by choice; 3 years of TTC yielded 4 MMC and 2 CPs, through 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs. Focusing on making the world a better place instead...and running.
Post by callmehales on Mar 27, 2015 13:06:45 GMT -5
i don't really agree with the FB thing. am i going to make a FB post when i finally get PG and get to 2nd tri? HELL YES. to me it's not bragging per se, it's more sharing this big news you have with your friends and family, MOST OF WHOM i don't want to call individually and tell. plus, i won't be a "announce before the pee is dry" kind of girl.
but if i had IRL friends struggling with IF (right now it's just me bitching to them), i'd tell them privately first. but really, on FB it's SO much easier to ignore, or hide them or whatever. the in-person announcements are worse, because you can't react how you want to.
I wish more people would think this way about their social media posts announcing pregnancy. So much of it comes off super braggy or obnoxiously cutesy, which can really sting.
That said, I don't think people should not mention or announce via fb or social media. For us, it will make the most sense as we have family and friends near and far and we don't keep in close enough contact to call individually. I do want to make sure it's done tastefully and will probably wait until 20 weeks or so while announcing to close family/friends in person before then.
I also like the fact that it mentions people might not be super happy for you. I feel like it's very common, even on these boards, to say 'I am happy for friend, but sad for me.' Don't get me wrong, if you can manage to be happy for someone while being sad for yourself, I think it's admirable. But I have never managed to do that. I have had a couple of good friends get pregnant after we lost our daughter. I can't say I was happy for them. I came to accept it, and I wished them well, but I could not summon the energy to be happy for them when I was working so hard to find small joys in my own new normal.
That's a really good point, loira. It does take a lot of emotional energy to stay happy for others, even while you're so sad for yourself. If I'm quite honest, I have not been able to truly be "happy" for some friends for whom it came really easily. I was friends with one girl from my BMB, but I've written her off now. She'd been trying 2 months, and said to my best TTTC friend and I that she hoped we ALL got "miracle BFPs." Um, don't include yourself in the category for whom you need a miracle for a BFP. TTTC friend and I have both been at it a year, a year+ and had two losses. I am not able to be 'happy for her, sad for me' with that person.
I think you are spot on. I am really finding myself only being happy for people who have struggled a little, which makes me feel terrible. And also, your friend who says that shit about miracle BFP?! I have friends who said that shit too, and it drove me crazy. Especially now since that same friend is 25 weeks pregnant and after 23 months I am still not.
I had a friend from high school post cutesy pictures this weekend to announce her pregnancy. I don't know if she struggled or not but it hit me pretty hard. When we first started trying I was planning ways to announce on Facebook but I doubt I do an official announcement at this point. I have a few friends and family members I'll tell in person or by phone because I know they're struggling too and I don't want to blindside them. Otherwise, anyone else can just be told by word of mouth. My MIL will be so over the moon excited that she'll take care of telling all of DH's family.
Last year was a struggle for me because I had many, MANY close friends become pregnant. I felt like it was all "You get a baby! Now you get a baby! And you too!!!" to everyone *but* me! I was "happy" for my friends, but it was bittersweet. I was happier for those who struggled because I know they get it. For those who weren't even trying, it was a much harder-to-find happiness. I got by and lived to tell the tale, but trust me I had (many) bitter moments!
This is where I am too. I don't see the difference between a Facebook announcement and other forms of announcement. If anything it can be easier to ignore.