WHITE PEOPLE, COME GET YOUR COUSIN!!!!!!!! WalMart trigger

[NewOrleans]

Major, MAJOR   warning!! You have been warned!

A Florida man today took a stuffed animal off a Walmart shelf and then used the toy to masturbate before returning the ejaculate-covered item to a store shelf, police report.

The repulsive episode occurred around 3 PM at a Walmart in Brooksville, a city 50 miles north of Tampa.

According to a police report, Sean Johnson, 19, “selected a brown, tan, and red stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department.” He then went to the comforter aisle in the housewares section, “proceeded to pull out his genitals,” and “proceeded to hump the stuffed horse utilizing short fast movements.” The lewd act was captured by surveillance cameras.

After Johnson “achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area,” he placed the “soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also.”

While Johnson fled the store before he could be apprehended by Walmart security, he was subsequently arrested by Brooksville Police Department officers. In a written statement, Johnson admitted that, “I did unmentionables to a stuffed animal.”     Noting that he committed a “horrible act,” Johnson added, “I need to think before what I do. I’m extremely sorry.”

Johnson, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with indecent exposure and criminal mischief and booked into the Hernando County jail. He was released from custody at 9:45 tonight after posting $1500 bond.

The Walmart merchandise that came into contact with the reshelved stuffed animal was deemed contaminated and not suitable for sale.

thesmokinggun.com/buster/florida/walmart-stuffed-animal-defiler-657903

[josieposy]

A Florida man....

*stopped reading*

[ECB]

[cookietime]

Florida Man strikes again! Ewwww.

[sushi]

Not my cousin! Plus,I left Florida once I was able.

[emisi]

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it always Florida? Do you people put something in the water down there?

Also, I have a cousin whose cat does that to a stuffed animal. Apparently this is a behavior that crosses species lines.

[blink]

WTF. I am.so glad they aren't reselling that horse. Is it bad that I almost expected them to try to?

[pixy0stix]

Was he on drugs? Was it a dare?

[josieposy]

Mar 27, 2015 9:15:38 GMT -5 blink said:

WTF. I am.so glad they aren't reselling that horse. Is it bad that I almost expected them to try to?

I actually feel bad for the poor claims associate that had to deal with that issue.

[leeba25]

I'm dying at "I did unmentionables." DYING.

[leeba25]

I also am LOL that Walmart had to assure the public that they were, indeed, going to throw the items away. Any other store and it would have gone without saying.

[Skyesthelimit1212]

All my cousins live in MA. NOT MINE.

[ringstrue]

WE ARE NOT CLAIMING HIM!

[penguingrrl]

OMG, ew!

[charminglife]

Can you imagine having to write that police report in such clinical language? I'd be laughing my ass off while typing. "Short, fast movements" is killing me.

[KateAggie]

Mar 27, 2015 9:54:12 GMT -5 charminglife said:

Can you imagine having to write that police report in such clinical language? I'd be laughing my ass off while typing. "Short, fast movements" is killing me.

Also dying here.

[bina]

I have no cousins in Fl. Thank god.

[NewOrleans]

Mar 27, 2015 9:54:12 GMT -5 charminglife said:

Can you imagine having to write that police report in such clinical language? I'd be laughing my ass off while typing. "Short, fast movements" is killing me.

[jena]

My Florida cousin is already safely contained in jail. And he has never been arrested for lewd acts with a stuffed animal.

[Deleted]

Dude, we go to that wallyworld all the time when I visit my ILs. Uhm eww but honestly, not shocked.

[Queen Mamadala]

Bahahaha. So gross. I laughed at his mention of "unmentionables."

[irene adler]

Calling this "criminal mischief" seems wrong. Mischief seems like it should be reserved for innocent annoyances, like filling someone's cars with balloons, not paired with indecent exposure.

RIP, current definition of that word in my mind. Hello, brand new connotation :/

[pinkdutchtulips]

all I had to see was Florida .... thankfully NO cousins there. mine are safely contained in CA and NV

reinforces why I REFUSE to go into a Walmart even though its closer to my house than Target. that type of cray cray doesn't seem to happen at Target ....

[IIOY]

Mar 27, 2015 12:46:13 GMT -5 incogneato said:

OMG, dude just buy the stuffed animal and take it home to hump THERE! WHY why WHYYYYY?

Right. Was it the possibility of being caught that turned him on? Did he suddenly sport uncontrollable wood but not have his furby costume available so this was the next best thing? I'm so confused.

[debatethis]

1-2-3 NOT IT!

[IIOY]

Mar 27, 2015 13:16:47 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

Mar 27, 2015 12:49:38 GMT -5 IIOY said:

Right. Was it the possibility of being caught that turned him on? Did he suddenly sport uncontrollable wood but not have his furby costume available so this was the next best thing? I'm so confused.

you mean furry, you fucking oldz?!

Thanks, Autocorrect.  Hey, guess what my kid got for Christmas last year??

[sangria]

Florida- Making Ohio look good since 1842

[jln]

Of course this happened in Florida.

I wonder if there isn't something wrong with this guy.

[Deleted]

It's time like this when I realize how truly horrifying it would be if Toy Story were true.