Question: if you're atheist or agnostic?

[Deleted]

If you're atheist or agnostic, but were raised with religion and your parents/family are still religious, did you "come out" to them?

I don't really know what I am, but I'm definitely not religious like my parents. My mom doesn't really push religion on me, but sometimes she will send me prayer books with packages or say "I'm praying for you." I always appreciate her sentiment.

I'm just wondering if there will be a point where I will tell her that I'm questioning/not religious. I think kids would be a perfect excuse as I don't plan to baptize them, but until then I kind of feel like I'm hiding something which I'm not sure how I feel about that.

What are your experiences with this?

[pandorica]

No, I haven't. They know I hold vastly different opinions than them (we've gotten into arguments over things like gay marriage). I don't know if they think I'm just a super liberal Christian, or if they know that I've pretty much given up on religion. I haven't brought it up, and neither have they. I'm an avoider though, so I see nothing good from telling them.

If we have kids, it will probably come out then. I'm already dreading it

[thedutchgirl]

I grew up in a very religious home. My mother is what we would now call a fundamentalist. I don't tell her I'm agnostic because I don't want to deal with her attempts to convert me. I know it would only hurt her to think I won't be in heaven with her under her beliefs. It isn't worth it to me to do that to her.

My aunt, my mom's youngest sister, did announce her atheism to the family because she wants to be "known" more for who she is. Of course they all try to convert her and she gets angry. I like my method better, personally.

[revolution]

Well, I was raised Lutheran. My mom is a Lutheran pastor. Myself and my 3 siblings have all ventured into the agnostic/atheist side. We never flat out said, 'hey mom we don't believe anymore'. She just figured it out.

[underwaterrhymes]

My family is more religious than I am.

I'm agnostic (or, rather, I'm spiritual, albeit not religious) and have been honest with my family for years about where I stand.

They don't necessarily understand, but they're supportive.

My mom told me at one time that my grandfather believed that if you're not baptized, you don't go to heaven, but it's possible she was just making that up to get me to baptize my kid.

I didn't (and won't) baptize him or his brother. I've just been honest with them that although I believe in god, I don't want any part of a higher power that sends people to hell because they don't believe in one, or because they don't believe Jesus is the son of god.

[fiveoclock]

I haven't. When people say they are keeping me in their prayers I thank them sincerely because, to me, that says they are sending positive thoughts and love my way. When I had kids I simply stated the truth; religion is a personal choice and I want for my kids to make their own informed decisions about their own paths when the time is right for them. Preferably when they're adults.

[joshlyman]

I didn't really come out, so to speak, but over time and through conversations they figured it out. It's been nbd and my parents are respectful of me. It probably helps that they are not super religious themselves - they believe in God, but are very liberal Christians. My sister is also an atheist, so obviously they raised us to think for ourselves

[papie]

H and I are both agnostic. We had our kids baptized. Our parents know we are not religious though, we don't go to church and we have both expressed our doubts in conversations. My dad is agnostic though, so it wasn't a shock in my family. I went through full blown atheism as a teen, so agnosticism is a relief to my mom, lol. Now I can at least acknowledge that maybe there is something more

[revolution]

Also, my kids aren't baptized. Neither are my nieces. My mom did ask to baptize my DD when we were at nieces bday party and my DD was getting a drink at the water fountain. My mom was all "i can do it right here, right now". I just told her 'nope, we are fine'. HOWEVER, it would not surprise me to find out she did it when she was babysitting or something. If she did, eh, whatever. To me it is just water on their head.

[circa1978]

I'm an atheist and have been since I was about 9, so there was no hiding it. My mother is devoutly Catholic - she went to Catholic girls schools through college, then taught at Catholic schools. I started at Catholic schools as well, but I just never believed and couldn't make myself. It has been hard for her. I did go through the motions of getting confirmed for her.

I've always been very interested in religions and the sociological, historical and psychological aspects of them. As I get older, I also consider myself culturally Catholic and will participate in Christmas, Easter and other celebrations - even attend Mass from time to time. And we did baptize Henry and may send him to Catholic schools, because I believe there are positive aspects of faith and want him to make his own decisions. All that has made it easier for her, I think.

[penguingrrl]

Our families eventually figured it out I think. We caved to family pressure and baptized all three kids and I regret it now because it just pushed the awkwardness back a few years. My family finally figured it out for sure when they asked when DDs First Communion would be so they could reserve that date and I said there wouldn't be one.

[agnes]

I'm not necessarily agnostic. I guess you could say I'm more spiritual than religious. My parents weren't very religious. But I spent a lot of time with my very religious grandmother. I have not told her anything, though, I'm sure she can figure it out since I don't go to church with her anymore.

I don't know what my father's religious beliefs are or if he even has any. He was raised Nazarene Christian (evangelical). My mother was raised Catholic and while not practicing, I think she more identifies with Christian. We don't really talk about religion, like ever.

[mskitkat]

DH and I consider ourselves agnostic/not-religious. My family is very Catholic. They figured out I'm not religious without any special talk. I know it bothers my mom, but she is deluding herself when I have kids, it'll change. Dad doesn't care at all.

I wasn't there for DH's speech to his parents. I do know it resulted in them taking him to their pastor to try and save him, lol. This is where DH learned his parents are waaaay more fundie than he realized. They still send him books and try to convert him. They also tried to convince me it was my job to bring him back to Jesus, but I shut that down hard.

Basically, hope your parents react like mine and not my ILs. Although the fundie marriage advice book was hilarious. I enjoyed reading that.

[sewf]

We never really talked about it, she just figured it out. I have always been a pretty liberal person, especially when it comes to homosexuality. I'm sure she knew when I said, "Wait, you mean the Catholic church says it's a sin to be gay? That's dumb! And priests can't get married? And women can't be priests? What the hell?!"

I was raised Catholic, and went to Catholic school through high school (well, I went to a Jesuit college, which is like liberal Catholic). I have a godson, and got special permission from the bishop to become a godmother because I was only 12 at the time.

DS wasn't baptized, and won't be until he can make that choice himself, and I don't think she was surprised by that. H and I didn't get married in a church. I think she has decided that she's not going to say anything about it as long as I am a good person.

[pagas]

I didn't have any specific "coming out," I have always been honest with them about it. Which has been since high school.

[LeggsBenedict]

I haven't come out to anybody. I don't think it's necessary.

I wouldn't lie if they asked, but I also assume they aren't dumb and have pretty much figured it out.

[karmasabiotch]

We were raised atheist but with Jewish culture. I've taken on a bit more religion than my family and had to come out the other way to them. I'm still an atheist but I'm more into the traditions than my family was.

[bittybomb]

My husband is definitely agnostic/possibly atheist.

His parents know.  His dad, a lapsed Catholic, doesn't really care.

His mom, a lapsed Lutheran pretends to be all offended but I think its because she is trying to make it be all about her and how could she have failed him in this way? (Note - I do not think he was failed in any way, well not because he is agnostic/atheist anyway)  Typical MIL martyrdom.

He did hide it from his grandparents while they were alive because it would have devastated them, his grandmother especially.

[kitty63]

My family isn't religious but my MIL is a devout catholic. We never had a sit down with her but didn't get married in a church and didn't baptize the kids. She was very respectful although I know it bothers her. She's only ever talked to my husband about it and asked if it was ok before giving the kids a children's bible. I'm grateful she handles it this way.
My grandmother passed away recently and I didn't bring up heaven when I talked to my daughter. I'm not looking forward to Easter dinner this year. :/

[catbus]

H was raised in an evangelical Christian household. He's agnostic. He never really said anything specifically, but his parents have figured it out over the years, since he doesn't attend church and would politely decline their invitations for him to attend with them when he went home to visit. 

The Amazon wish list full of Richard Dawkins books helped, as well. 

[Deleted]

Mar 27, 2015 10:59:40 GMT -5 sewf said:

We never really talked about it, she just figured it out. I have always been a pretty liberal person, especially when it comes to homosexuality. I'm sure she knew when I said, "Wait, you mean the Catholic church says it's a sin to be gay? That's dumb! And priests can't get married? And women can't be priests? What the hell?!"

I was raised Catholic, and went to Catholic school through high school (well, I went to a Jesuit college, which is like liberal Catholic). I have a godson, and got special permission from the bishop to become a godmother because I was only 12 at the time.

DS wasn't baptized, and won't be until he can make that choice himself, and I don't think she was surprised by that. H and I didn't get married in a church. I think she has decided that she's not going to say anything about it as long as I am a good person.

Yeah I've definitely discussed my liberal views, especially in regards to gay rights. Considering my gay cousin is openly religious, I don't think they automatically assume being pro-gay marriage = atheist.

My dad still asks me to say the prayer sometimes before dinner. I think my parents will love me no matter what but I do think subconsciously they'll probably feel like they need to pray harder for me or something.

[Zoly]

Well, part of the reason my beliefs changed is due to my parents deaths (and other things) that happened in a short amount of time. So it's hard to answer that part. But I am actively hiding that I'm agnostic from my aunt so I suppose that's as close as I can get. It hasn't come up in discussions, but I'm not really hiding it from my in-laws. With maybe the exception of my husbands 95 year old grandma.

[Muddled]

We've never had a discussion about it, but I think it's pretty clear. I have never been lectured over my religious choices.

[flutermed]

We didn't really talk about it. I have been atheist/non-religious since I was 12. So my mom knows. And she doesn't really bither me about it.

[delawarejen]

I was raised by a father who was raised Methodist who didn't attend church (and I had zero idea of his views on religion at all) and a mother who was raised Episcopalian who hopscotched through Christianity until she landed in the evangelical Protestant circles.

I remember when I started dating an atheist (and I was in my 30's, mind you), my father decided to snoop and figured this out, to which I replied "well, so am I". So I guess that was me coming out? I had been an open atheist for years but we had never had a conversation about religion. He tried to tell me that I wasn't really an atheist. FFS, don't try to tell me what I do or don't believe!

My mother and I have had actual conversations about religion, so she was aware of my views. I was aware of my lack of beliefs from age 9 onwards, but it took many years for me to be okay expressing that lack of belief.

[Deleted]

No. I grew up with an atheist father and a religious mother. They don't ask about my religious beliefs at all. I mean, I'm sure they have a pretty solid idea of where I stand because of other conversations we've had, but no, there's never been a sit down confessional about it.

[soleil]

I'm a more recent agnostic. Raised Presbyterian. My dad is religious but not overly so - he hardly goes to church. My mom is really involved though in church.

I never really examined my beliefs until my divorce last fall. I realized I kept disagreeing with the Bible (and just really not liking the messages in it and how people use it to oppress others) or the way things were interpreted or what alot of conservative Christians said by saying, "well the God -I- believe in is like xyz and is certainly not abc. God is loving and kind and blah blah blah."

It sort of hit me that I was basically making my own God up and that wasn't much better than the flying spaghetti monster. And it was purely (1) out of habit from how I was raised, and (2) a form of comfort/hope for me because of all the ugliness in the world. Because I certainly wasn't worshipping the God from the Bible. And I'm not interested in worshipping a God I made up because that isn't real.

I know I don't believe in any God that is advertised today. I'm spiritual and think there's more to this world and I truly believe there's more to death than nothingness.

However I have not shared this with my parents. It would stir up drama and I have no interest in fighting with anyone over it. It will probably come out when/if I have children. I have no problem attending church with my mom when I visit or bowing my head respectfully when my family prayers when we eat or anything like that. I enjoy talking about the complexities of religion as well.

[pinkpinot]

No.

My mother is super religious and would feel I'm attacking her beliefs and it would break her. It's also none of her business. She's not capable of having open minded discussions and I'm not interested in going there with her.

My dad on the other hand wouldn't care and probably doesn't believe in God either but we aren't close and don't talk about things beyond a surface level.

[sewf]

Mar 27, 2015 11:11:29 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Mar 27, 2015 10:59:40 GMT -5 sewf said:

We never really talked about it, she just figured it out. I have always been a pretty liberal person, especially when it comes to homosexuality. I'm sure she knew when I said, "Wait, you mean the Catholic church says it's a sin to be gay? That's dumb! And priests can't get married? And women can't be priests? What the hell?!"

I was raised Catholic, and went to Catholic school through high school (well, I went to a Jesuit college, which is like liberal Catholic). I have a godson, and got special permission from the bishop to become a godmother because I was only 12 at the time.

DS wasn't baptized, and won't be until he can make that choice himself, and I don't think she was surprised by that. H and I didn't get married in a church. I think she has decided that she's not going to say anything about it as long as I am a good person.

Yeah I've definitely discussed my liberal views, especially in regards to gay rights. Considering my gay cousin is openly religious, I don't think they automatically assume being pro-gay marriage = atheist.

My dad still asks me to say the prayer sometimes before dinner. I think my parents will love me no matter what but I do think subconsciously they'll probably feel like they need to pray harder for me or something.

I think the questioning from me was her first big clue. My shock from that led to, "Wait, I am supposed to believe the wine is the blood of Christ, even though it tastes like wine still?" and "Really, Jesus never married? And Mary Magdalene was a prostitute? Who exactly wrote the Bible?"

Not trying to make fun of other's beliefs, just that for me, it was the beginning of a long line of questions with answers I just couldn't reconcile in my life.

[Queen Mamadala]

@wandering (warning: I'm not known for brevity on this topic)

If you're atheist or agnostic, but were raised with religion and your parents/family are still religious, did you "come out" to them?

I identify as a relative metaphysical atheist - agnostic pandeist/panendeist. I also identify with ignosticism. I'm strong/explicit atheist relative to some (most) concepts, but am open to the concept of a First Cause/Source, etc., that fits more of the description of deism. Relative to that concept I am agnostic, though I'm uncertain if I lean toward weak or strong.

I had somewhat of an interfaith upbringing. My mom is very much NOT religious. She attends church for weddings and funerals, and on very rare occasions during holidays if other relatives invite her. Two of her brothers are ministers, one a former non-denominational minister, and the other a Pentecostal minister. I'd say she's more of a deist than anything, really. She did say that she felt out of place later in life because she's not religious, and in the black culture, being non-Christian can be frowned upon. (I know only a handful of black nontheists)

My father was brought up Methodist, but wasn't very religious. He became an Independent Fundamental Baptist when I was five. He "witnessed" to me shortly after he converted to IFB. He was very active within the IFB movement for years, and then went through a period where he (and my stepmom) weren't as active. But they have been very dedicated and active, extremely religious (a la Jerry Falwell) for 15+ years now. He was a youth pastor when I actively attended church. I received religious instruction when I lived with my dad and progressive/liberal with my mom.

I was one of those teens who dropped out of my 9th grade biology class because it was against my YEC beliefs -- "we didn't evolve from monkeys." To make a long story short, I became very active within the IFB church for years. I lived, breathed and preached IFB and conservative evangelical theology. I was a hard core fundamentalist (worse than Sarah Palin & Co.). I became a carbon copy of my father. Then various things set in motion what would later become the start of my deconversion process. The process was slow at first, but toward the end it really picked up. It's been 7+ years.

The progression went something like this:

Nondenominational/evangelical Christian with moderate leanings --> hyper-fundamentalist --> conservative/mainstream Christian --> liberal Christian monist/mystic --> deist --> ignostic/relative atheist with Buddhist, Taoist, Vedantist, and Pagan leanings.

I don't really know what I am, but I'm definitely not religious like my parents. My mom doesn't really push religion on me, but sometimes she will send me prayer books with packages or say "I'm praying for you." I always appreciate her sentiment.


I'm just wondering if there will be a point where I will tell her that I'm questioning/not religious. I think kids would be a perfect excuse as I don't plan to baptize them, but until then I kind of feel like I'm hiding something which I'm not sure how I feel about that.

What are your experiences with this?

My mom was aware of my deconversion process because I spoke with her about it, and she was fascinated and intrigued by it. My father, on the other hand, I avoided talking to because I didn't want to encourage the conversation. Prior to my deconversion our conversations centered around religion and politics. During the earlier stages I was not as engaged in these conversations, and a lot of them were during the 2008 election season where he'd rant about Obama. I withdrew from the conversations because I no longer shared his ideology and world view. For months I avoided talking to him, and prepared a speech because I *knew* it would have to come up. I didn't want to hurt him.

I finally told him and he took it pretty well. I explained that I was no longer a Baptist, and he was like "Okay..." and then I was like "Well, I'm no longer a Christian, either." He had a few questions, but I tried to keep it short. He took it well, explained that he "still" loves me, and will pray for me. In later conversations he tries to imply that had I lived with him full time that it, my becoming backslidden, wouldn't have happened. *eye roll* Our relationship was very awkward for years. He wondered if "something" happened (I get that a lot) and I've been clear that nothing happened to make "lose" my faith. No tragedy or hardship. Just a really long time spent studying and researching, which eventually led me down that path. The cognitive dissonance snapped and that was it. I didn't "lose" my faith. I voluntarily gave it up. It was hard for him and others to accept that. He put me and my then husband on the church's prayer list and all that jazz... which essentially means praying for us to "see the light" and return to the church. And he still gets into these religious and political discussions that I know better to engage, because it wouldn't be pretty.

"Coming out" can be a stressful time. My husband was raised as a Christian, but not evangelical or conservative. He doesn't think his dad is religious, and just goes through the motions (like my first husband -- closet atheist). My husband is an atheist and "coming out" was much easier for him. My dad was sure it was a phase, but 7+ years is definitely not a phase.