so. my mother has no idea of the fallout yesterday.

[lilafowler]

Ughhh. I'm sorry dude.

[lilafowler]

Serenity now?

[venice2007]

Ugh that sucks. Sorry!

[isabel]

Ugh. I'm sorry.

[Monica Geller]

Ugh. So sorry.

[cville]

Ugh. Awful.

[meganew]

This can't be coming out if left field for her, right? If the issues are bad enough that you need distance its not like she could be blind to them. I hope she doesn't make this harder on you than it already is : (

[lilac05]

Ugh...I'm sorry.

Is your dad one to think he can just pretend yesterday never happened? I'm guessing she just hasn't talked to your sister yet, as she seems to be the type who would tell ALLLL about it...from only one side, of course!

[MixedBerryJam]

@smace, I didnt reply to your original post yesterday, because honestly, I didnt know what to say other than I'm so sorry for the havoc addiction is wreaking on your little family. And it's not just your father's addiction; I probably dont have to tell you that your sister's ultra-controlling, I-know-best behavior is a result of addiction, too (your father's, of course,. I dont mean to imply your sister is hiding her own addiction or anything like that) as is your mom's la-la-la-ness. As a matter of self-preservation, and to model a heathy response to stress, taking this step back sounds like the best thing you can do. It doesnt have to be permanent. If you told your mom straight up that you wanted one-on-one time with her, would she respect that? If she insists on bringing your father, or that you and your sister need to "patch things up," then maybe getting together so soon after this most recent clusterfuck isnt in anyones best interest. If that's the message she want to send you, receive that message loud and clear. I hope she doesnt put you in that position, though. Good luck, and (((hugs))).

[morecowbell]

Mar 28, 2015 21:15:01 GMT -5 @smace said:

Mar 28, 2015 21:10:24 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

this is ferociously hard. 
And if you're not ready to do it tomorrow, you shouldn't. Do what you can to stay safe and sane. But see their behavior for what it is; you've asked for time out because of the poor treatment, and they have said no, you have to stay and tolerate it. Not because you deserve their poor behavior; but because they insist on maintaining the way things are.  I was able to cut out my alcoholic family members because I lived 7 hours away from them; and could just not answer the phone, and return their letters unopened. It was much easier than what you are facing. (and it was hard, lol. There was a ferocious amount of pressure and blowback). 

I hope you can seek out some counseling or support groups. This is what made it possible for me.  It took me about two and a half years start to finish, to really be secure and comfortable in myself and be able to reliably assert what I needed for me, and to learn to love them but still set firm boundaries I could defend against their dreadful behavior.  And, with that, my kids (who came along a couple of years later) never had to see it, god love them. 

You deserve better, and you're seeing that. This is huge. You are doing so much for yourself. ((Hugs)) good work; and keep it up. 

I will. It will have to be free support groups, but at least it'll be a start.


as to the red bolded, it makes me feel better than you weren't like "ok, fuck you. bye" and that was it. because I wouldn't even know how to do that. that it was a process for you makes me feel more normal for feeling that I need to take steps toward health. (not that I'm happy you had to do it at all)

I will be another voice adding that Al-Anon is a great, free resource. I went for awhile and have been meaning to go back soon. It was such a relief to have people around me who understood the feelings of guilt, shame, helplessness. You are not alone. Huge hugs for you, this is so terribly difficult and impossible to navigate.

[MixedBerryJam]

Mar 28, 2015 21:24:41 GMT -5 @smace said:

Mar 28, 2015 21:18:01 GMT -5 MixedBerryJam said:

I don't think it's la-la-la. She's in ala-non. She's fully aware of my dad and enables him by way of not leaving him and his alcoholic-ness. She sees a different side of him in that he cries a lot so i think that makes it hard for her. She has talked to him about him leaving and me and h move in with her to help pay the mortgage but I think it's all just bluffing.  

She grew up with alcoholic, abusive parents and never got therapy for it, so that has to affect her and the way she handles the entire situation.

It's hard for *me* to cut my dad out, I cannister ot imagine how hard it is for her. I feel she should but easy for me to say, you know?

i hope this enables her to be supportive of your decision to step back. I wish you both the best.

[Una]

I just want to ditto pretty much everything @cse1960 has said. Limiting contact and/or cutting people off is way easier said than done.

As far as handling tough conversations goes, "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a phrase I say often. In my experience, engaging and trying to explain or justify things further just opens the door for more manipulation and ends with me feeling guilty, angry, and beaten down. Of course this doesn't solve everything, but it makes me feel a little less helpless, if that makes sense. It's funny how I can feel in control and confident in other situations and relationships, but when it comes to my parents I go back to feeling like a little kid again. It's so hard.

You don't owe them anything. Do what's best for you and your family. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

[shopgirl07]

I'm sorry you're hurting. You're such a funny, cool person. I hope you can get to a good, happy place.

[sofamonkey]

nothing else to add, really. You are in my thoughts & I am so sorry. I will try to support you the best I can. My dad is in recovery, and DH's dad was but is back to drinking. Too much experience & tons of hugs.

[ginger]

You're doing great!

Thinking of you today.

[bittybomb]

Mar 28, 2015 20:49:03 GMT -5 @smace said:

Mar 28, 2015 20:42:18 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

If your dad and sister show up, you can leave, if you want. If you've already told them what you want to say, and the deal is they are cut out, then them showing up is a big fuck you, we don't listen to what you want statement.  You want to see your mom? See your mom. She's not glued to those people. 

she's talking in we's and us's. 

This doesn't bode well. 

to the bolded: I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this tomorrow. This is hard and nobody in my entire family has ever, ever, ever, cut off an alcoholic family member. literally. Never. I will absolutely leave if they pick on my kids.  

I feel for you.  It is SO hard.  My mom will always acknowledge his alcoholism but sometimes she will play all dumb when it's clear he's been drinking and I know she knows it too.  And it pisses me off because she knows I have decided to keep him away from my children when he's like that, as much as I can anyway.  She refuses to respect my decision in that way and while I do adore her and would literally do anything for her, it definitely is harmful to our relationship.  And then I go down the rabbit hole of how she should have left him forever ago and all of my resentment bubbles up.  I literally pray for the strength to cut them off sometimes, or pray that he becomes sober.  

Sorry to hijack!  I just wish you all the best from one COA mom to another.

[MixedBerryJam]

@smace are you meeting your mom at the park today like you mentioned yesterday? Good luck, and I hope it goes well for you and your kids.

[flex]

Mar 28, 2015 21:10:51 GMT -5 @smace said:

tators, she does, yes. Tomorrow is the last day I'll (maybe) have to deal with her. Boys are in school monday and tuesday with doctors appointments and sports in the afternoons so we truly can't visit.

I am pulling back in that I am not going to their house, which is a big deal. I just--I don't know how to do this in one fell swoop. it's easy to say "just do it" but I've been raised by guilt and duty and i'm trying my hardest to do what I need to do while wanting to vomit the whole time because I'm trying to break the guilt and sense of duty. Like i said before, both sides of my family are full of alcoholics. Nobody has ever cut one off. I will get no support. So I have to do this in a way I can mentally handle it.

THIS is why I strongly encourage you to try Al-Anon.  You WILL get support there and suggestions on how to handle the whole family dynamic.

[flex]

Mar 29, 2015 10:08:45 GMT -5 @smace said:

Mar 29, 2015 9:52:25 GMT -5 flex said:

THIS is why I strongly encourage you to try Al-Anon.  You WILL get support there and suggestions on how to handle the whole family dynamic.

I am looking this evenings into meeting that work with h's schedule bc he'll need to stay with the kids.

And there might be meetings that provide childcare, but first you need to get your feet wet with meetings.  lol

As @cse1960 has already said, you must stay strong and consistent with what you want to do about your sister and your dad.  I know it's sooooo much easier to buy into their crap, but if you show the slightest bit of wavering, they'll suck you right back into the muck.

Stay strong!  We're here for you.