My PSA: talk to your parents about last wishes

[thebulldog]

Today marks a year my dad died.
My PSA is at some point sit down with your parents and at least ask if they have a will or basic affairs in order.

There is never a good time for this tough conversation, but you know when it really sucks? When you book a same day plane ticket and then are standing in the ICU when you find out your dad's liver was irreversibly damaged from cancer treatments.

I spent alot of time sorting out things in days when i should have been spending time with him. Thankfully we got him to scrawl a signature in front of a lawyer while he was still coherent. He died four days later.

I do not come from a wealthy family. There was no inheritance or large things to deal with however, i was beyond pissed that i had to deal with this at thst stage to make sure things that needed to go to my mom got to her. My dad was 69 years old and had cancer. While he did die suddenly i could not believe this was not in place. They were so concerned about who would get "stuff" (sentimental value type stuff nothing worth real money) they didn't see the bigger things involved. As it was we had to deal with a few insurance issues and accounts to get them into my mom's name.

So at some point just ask if things are set.

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[Pom]

(((hugs))) I am so very sorry for your loss. And also the stress that you endured at the time when your only concern should have been your dad not the issues resulting from his illness and passing.

None of us wants to face our mortality and the "paperwork and planning" it will entail, but it really is the kindest thing you can do for your family.

[lime]

I'm so sorry for your loss and all of the legal things you had to deal with.

[thebulldog]

Mar 29, 2015 10:58:46 GMT -5 farmvillelover said:

I'm sorry you had to experience that and couldn't agree with you more

I've had to do more hospital/deathbed signings than I care to admit. I know the families have been grateful but it seems so dirty for me to be there during a time when they should be spending time together

It's amazing how many people don't have even basic things taken care of like beneficiary destinations on pensions, life insurances and retirement accounts

This was the fourth bedside signing this lawyer had to do that day. I cannot imagine. My mom had her phone number bc they at least did medical directives and a power of attorney document. This was so incredibly useful to have when we signed the DNR bc having an irreversible condition was one of the criteria he wanted for no additional measures. It sucked royally but was the only compassionate thing to do.

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[mich1]

My dad died last month after a diagnosis of pulmonary fibrosis and pancreatic cancer in Jan 2014.

I am forever grateful that he let his wishes be known, and updated his will. He also asked us kids what we wanted out of the house, so all of this was established.

Even with his wishes known, there were a few glitches. His ashes were split, with half being buried with my mom and half being in an urn with his current wife of 11 years. My brother wanted some, to spread over the lakes where he and dad fished, but my dad's wife's daughter wanted ashes to put in a painting container......uh.....no.

There are other issues, but I have had to just bite my tongue and bitch to my sister. And there s no doubt in my mind as time goes by that there are going to be other issues. Fr instance, my step mom and my sibs own the house jointly. She thinks we are going to buy her out and keep the house. That isn't happening.....if she does not want to live there, the house will be sold and the proceeds split then. If she cannot afford the upkeep, then we will upkeep until the house is sold and subtract that from the proceeds.

UGH! I hate this.

[mskitkat]

I am so sorry for your loss.

This is a big fear I have. My parents generally refuse to discuss this with me, beyond my dad joking that when he does something nice for me, it's because I have to be executrix for his will and deal with selling his project house. Hopefully with the situation with my uncle, he'll realize he needs to think about it now. I can't even begin to think about how to have this conversation with my mom.

[Pom]

mich1

My deepest sympathies.  That all sounds incredibly complicated and stressful.  I hope that it can all be worked out without too many harsh words and resentments.

[lime]

I don't want to threadjack, but how is everything going on your end Pom?

[tacom]

I am so very sorry for your loss. 69 is too young.

this is a wonderful PSA, so thank you for sharing. in addition to the financial stuff, I'd recommend having a hard discussion re: philosophy of care (resuscitation and intubation, hospice, feeding tubes/alternative means of nutrition). I have worked with families as they've transitioned into end of life care, and it is so much better for everyone involved when wishes have been clearly laid out. hugs to you.

[Pom]

Mar 29, 2015 11:46:24 GMT -5 lime said:

I don't want to threadjack, but how is everything going on your end Pom?

We are in the thick of it.   Our main issue or rather, complication, is that we are so far away.  We've scheduled FIL's Memorial for June so we will be back there then, but have to cram a ton of "to-dos" inside of a short window of time during that visit.  Mr. P is the only heir and there was a will, so that makes life so much easier and he is also the personal representative for the estate.  So we have opened the estate with an attorney, still gathering account information, filling out forms, handling the renters and repairs, planning an estate sale and clean out, title issues, insurance, care for the vacant primary home, paying bills, filing FIL's taxes,compiling a list of assets for probate, juggling money to pay FIL's outstanding bills and keeping track of it all.  The worst now is probably dealing with a couple of IRA's with no beneficiaries.  

Ugh, it's been not fun but we are pushing to get things done so we don't have to make more than a couple of trips up there this year. We have been kind of overwhelmed getting correct information with things like titles and insurance but I think we can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Thanks for asking

[moandjo]

Thanks for posting this. Take care of yourself today. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack at 64 last June. Nothing was in place. Trying to make decisions about burial vs cremation, services, etc at that stage of grief is brutal. His estate is beyond a mess, but we are digging out slowly. Having to deal with the mess he left me has complicated the grieving process because I get so angry at times.

[lys]

A discussion is never too early. If parents to not have beneficiaries on accounts and funeral plans in place, I highly recommend a gift of a visit to an Elder Law Attorney (if it is affordable for you). Having all assets and property properly titled makes a HUGE difference.

[mellymel]

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad very quickly when he was just 57. We never even got the chance to talk about last wishes. The days and months following his passing were terrible because not only were we grieving hard, we were dealing with guessing on so many things.

DH and I immediately got our wills, etc in order after that and talked to the other parents about all of their wishes.

DHs parents don't have their stuff together in terms of wills so I am sure it will be a mess when they pass (it never even occurred to them until we talked to them about it, ugh).

[sju]

I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my dad last year. He had made some of his wishes known but there was no will. There is no inheritance but he owned a condo. We basically had to let things go. Two aunts emptied his condo acting like it was all theirs (it was not of course but they took advantage of our grief). The lawyer is still not done with the process that needs to happen. It has been a nightmare. So I can't agree more with OP.

People, please insist even if your parents don't want to discuss anything.

[AAM2012]

(((Hugs))))) I'm sorry you had to deal with this but am thankful for this PSA.

[2boys2danes]

Big hugs to you… I'm so sorry you had to deal with picking up all of those pieces during such a hard time. My dad made me come into his office at the house about a year ago and showed me where everything was, all phone numbers I needed to call (he's retired military and retired from a large company as well). I cried just listening to him talk. I'm an only child so I know it will fall to me and that's fine but its so hard to imagine and talk about although we all know that day will come. Thanks for the PSA… its an important one!

[dr.girlfriend]

I totally agree. Any time my parents go on a trip or something they send me a new, "In the event of our death..." information sheet. I used to think it was morbid, but after dealing with MIL's complete lack of guidance (and she was also ill for a long period of time) now I really appreciate how on top of things they are. I am still amazed by some of my peers with young children who haven't made basic arrangements for life insurance or wills. There's denial, and there's screwing over your dependents and loved ones.

[thebulldog]

Mar 29, 2015 18:32:09 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

I totally agree. Any time my parents go on a trip or something they send me a new, "In the event of our death..." information sheet. I used to think it was morbid, but after dealing with MIL's complete lack of guidance (and she was also ill for a long period of time) now I really appreciate how on top of things they are. I am still amazed by some of my peers with young children who haven't made basic arrangements for life insurance or wills. There's denial, and there's screwing over your dependents and loved ones.

 This is great. Can you share the categories on this sheet? I am (obviously) not asking for your parent's personal info but as vague and general as you can be. It might be useful for others. 

 and yes parents, it sucks to have to think about who will take care of your kids if something happens to you, but please get something on paper. I cannot imagine a family drama/trauma having to deal with whatever happens to children without designated guardians on top of losing both of you. 

[awick14]

Yes please have these (horrible) conversations with family. I see families that suffer all the time because things are not planned out like they should be.

((Hugs)) to everyone who's lost a parent.

[simpsongal]

Hugs to all. My DH's grandmother's estate was in good shape, even had a trust to avoid much of the probate process. There's a good tip for estate planning 401 - if you can avoid probate, do so. It took 20 months for my grandfather's very simple estate to go through probate.

Also, someone else's death is a good segue into discussing these things with family. I need to sit down with my folks. They finally did a will and they're sorting out their affairs. My brothers are a half a world away, so all this will fall on me (the executrix too).

[drloretta]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I bugged my parents about this for years. After my grandma died, my dad realized how much WORK it is for the surviving kids, and her estate was super straightforward. He and my mom got an estate attorney and now have a binder that we just have to open and follow. It's definitely a load off my mind. I can't imagine dealing with all that with my siblings and a critically ill parent.

[mich1]

Mar 29, 2015 11:42:03 GMT -5 Pom said:

mich1

My deepest sympathies.  That all sounds incredibly complicated and stressful.  I hope that it can all be worked out without too many harsh words and resentments.

Thanks.....

I'm hoping so too, and it helps that I am a country away from what's going on.  Even under totally organized deaths, there are still going to be issues and I guess that this was my point.

[adeliepenguin]

And please, if possible, think about the funeral and all it entails. My mom had to discourage her nephews from having a viewing for my aunt. My aunt would have HATED HATED HATED a viewing. She also wanted to be cremated, which they honored, but not before they bought a casket and had her body in the church for the service. Why? (BTW, the cost for the pre-cremation trip was $5K - which no one really has - so not MM.) Perhaps, if my aunt has been more vocal about what she wanted, it would have helped a bit.

[Emerald1486]

Hugs. A good reminder for a sad reason.

I am executress for my parents and I am trying to get them to give me their will and important info so I can make a copy of it. I know they have it done. And I know at some point I need to sit down with them and go over what they want done. Luckily they are only in their 50s.

[onomatopoeia]

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is an excellent PSA. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago, and even with very limited assets and a will in place it was still a financial and logistical mess. He thought he had left everything in order, and I (as the executor) took his word for it when he said he did. I should have asked more questions, hard as it was. Thankfully it didn't cause stress between family members, but I can easily see how it could lead to that especially with no will in place and property to take care of.

I've asked DH about his own parents, and he just says "oh, they have everything in order" but I know he's just assuming that. Knowing them I'm sure that they do, but I still really wish they would have a clear and explicit conversation with DH and his sister about it.

[girlscout]

I agree with you. Take care of these things before it becomes necessary.

Mom, Dad and I went to an estate attorney and got all things taken care of. It is so much easier when you can talk about it in terms of "way off in the future" rather than being a dire necessity to take care of RIGHT NOW!