Putting a Vent Here

[nachos]

Okay, I've been cutting DH a lot of slack. I had a m/mc back in the fall at 11w. I'm 14 1/2 w now, and it's like he is the only person in the world who isn't excited or even acknowledging the pregnancy. Early on, I discussed this with him and he said that he didn't want to get excited because he was afraid that it wouldn't work out, and I understand that. 

But he doesn't want to tell anyone about the baby. He doesn't believe that people can tell that I'm pregnant, even though I was "outed" at work over a month ago. He isn't at all interested in talking names or anything to do with getting ready. I've found the heartbeat for him with a doppler and he said he thought it was mine. 

I have two older children from my previous marriage, so this isn't new to me, but he's a first time dad. The only person he's told is his mother, and he told her not to tell anyone. 

Just feeling lonely, hormonal and confused. Thanks for reading.

[starburst604]

I'm sorry for your previous loss. He still sounds really scared, was he very excited about the previous pregnancy? Do you have an anatomy scan coming up? That may make it more tangible for him, when he seeds an actual, thriving baby.

[brandienee]

((nachos))

That sounds super painful and frustrating. Perhaps, sit him down and say how his denial is making you feel, and how you need his support right now. (??) I can't imagine what you both must be going through, but it sounds like you have a healthy pregnancy going now. At what point would he feel comfortable being excited about it? When the baby is born?

This is hard. I hope it doesn't last for much longer.

[achi]

I'm sorry, that sounds like a really frustrating situation.

I agree with brandienee, I would try talking to him about how you're feeling and how his behaviour is affecting you. Perhaps it would help make the pregnancy more real for him if he came to your next appointment?

[cheeseandcrackers]

It's very frustrating. Maybe he took your previous miscarriage harder than you think and is now trying to protect himself? Either way, I bet once you're further along he will get more excited, or I hope so at least.

[dearprudence]

I agree with @dontcallmeshirley1 and starburst604.  It sounds like he's having a hard time with the reality of the situation and is scared.  I don't think that's specific to him, I think a lot of men have a hard time with something they're not personally experiencing, connecting the thought of "baby" with the reality of "baby."  It also sounds like he may not have fully dealt with his feelings regarding the miscarriage.  I think the anatomy scan will help make things more concrete for him.

[nachos]

Thanks everyone. I've asked if he wants to go to the appointments, but he never does. I've seen the baby twice on portable u/s - the doctor pulled it out when she couldn't get the doppler to work, so I didn't know it was going to happen. I don't have my "real" scan until May.

He had only told a handful of people about the last pregnancy when we had the loss. I know that it's largely coming from fear, but I've told him before how it makes me feel when he's downright dismissive of the whole experience. I guess I'm just disappointed that he's letting his fear destroy our excitement.

I hope that he gets a little excited before the baby gets here at least. He's made comments before about not wanting to look at strollers until we "had something to put in one" so I figure I might just have a long road ahead.

At least my kids are excited???

[spankswife]

He's probably really nervous.

I think you should tell him how you feel, but understand how he feels, and it could be a good idea for him to go to the dr with you a few times.

Is it possible to get an elective US? Maybe seeing it will help him?

[thejackpot]

I concur with pps. I am sure he is nervous. You are still very early in the pregnancy it may not seem concrete enough for him yet. My dh gets so much more into it as the pregnancy progresses. Excitement is rarely equal between both people. (((nachos)))

[Muddled]

I'm 15w on Wednesday and we have told no one, especially family. For me, it's the fact that I didn't want to untell people. It gave us privacy and space in case something were to happen. We are telling within the next week, but I get it.

It is harder for me to understand why he wouldn't want to go to any appts. I would probably push back on that if he wasn't willing to open up to me and tell me where his head is.

[nachos]

Mar 29, 2015 17:39:12 GMT -5 spankswife said:

He's probably really nervous.

I think you should tell him how you feel, but understand how he feels, and it could be a good idea for him to go to the dr with you a few times.

Is it possible to get an elective US? Maybe seeing it will help him?

Not even maybe. I'm lucky that I've been able to see the portable u/s. We live way up north and there are no elective u/s opportunities. I even tried to book one next week when I'm traveling, and would facetime him in, but they won't do one at 16 weeks.

I do understand how he feels. We had just started telling people the last time, when we had to untell them, and that was hard. I hope that seeing the scan in May will help. 6 weeks isn't so long to wait, I guess.

And I know that it isn't nearly as real for him as it is for me and my aching body, but he doesn't even ask how I'm doing. He will talk about anything and everything but the pregnancy.

Basically, I'm not close to my mom and he's my best friend. I had hoped for a little more togetherness during this time, but it's still early. I know he'll come around - it's just going to take him some time.

[spankswife]

nachos hmm. Then I would gently tell him how you feel, and it would mean a lot to you if he acknowledged it a little more, even if it is just privately with you.

[dojo]

That does sound very lonely and isolating. Maybe after your anatomy scan he will feel more confident in the pregnancy. But maybe he'll never feel fully confident. If he is still nervous after the anatomy scan I would ask him what kind of reassurance he needs and see if it can be met.

[jennistarr1]

I am the one who felt like your husband after a miscarriage...it's part of coping, give him time

[nachos]

Thanks everyone. I'm not pushing him, but am trying to make him feel included. I feel like I'm forcing myself to get excited (hell, I'm terrified that this won't work out either - PGAL messes with your head), but I feel like I owe it to this baby to be just as excited too, kwim?

I think I was more hurt yesterday when he said no one could tell I'm pregnant by looking at me, when people who see me every day have been noticing for a month now.

Hormones are awesome.

Thanks again everyone for talking to me!

[Muddled]

Hugs, nachos. It's so hard, but he'll get there. You both will.

[fezzik]

((hugs))

I'm actually feeling a bit like this myself, but not as extreme. I also had a m/mc at 11 weeks in October with many complications and it's making it so hard for me to be excited. Seeing the heartbeat on the u/s a couple weeks ago definitely helped me get a little more excited, but now I'm anxiously awaiting my next appointment in two weeks and hoping the heartbeat is found right away with the doppler.

I'm sorry your H is guarding himself so hard. I would definitely take him to the next appointment. It might help him realize everything is going well if he hears it directly from your doctor and she can reassure him you are hearing the baby's heartbeat on the doppler and not yours.

[sarahsas]

I know how you feel. I think he'll come around as it gets closer. My H didn't tell his friends or work until way after I did. He didn't act as excited either and even told me he would believe it when he was holding him. I think it was his way of protecting himself emotionally. I don't have any losses, but I think it is harder for some men to conceptualize that there is a baby in there than us, since it isn't their body. My H has warmed up to it too. He only came to two appointments with me (the first one and to find out the sex). He would have to take off work though. It bothered me earlier on but I got better with it. Hang in there - talk to him about it - and try to understand his feelings too. He may be really scared to accept it because of his feelings about your mmc.

[miamigirl]

I'm sorry he's acting this way. It's probably a protection mechanism and he'll warm up to the idea as time goes by.

We had a loss too, and it took a while for DH tonget excited too. He didn't want to get too attached before we were out of the danger zone.

He'll come around, you'll see. Good luck!