Post by spedrunner on Mar 29, 2015 20:22:26 GMT -5
Pdq. I will prob delete this
I just need direction. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I know ultimately it's my decision but it's still nice to get thoughts and perspective.
What do I do?
I already bought a place and will be relocating this summer. I am in the process of finding a new job there and leaving things behind here. I do not have kids or connections to anything here and have never lived anywhere but here. It's More of a challenge or change for me.
I've gone through a tough divorce and have really grown so much in the past two years. My mom has been my biggest support. I will be leaving her but they planned on moving down when my father retired in another year or so
However now there is a bit of a problem. My dad is a alcoholic. Verbally abused us for years. I was lucky to move out and pretty much not associate with him. My mom has obviously not. She had to stay for financial reasons and although has suffered through many years of abuse she is currently in therapy and doing really well. She is dealing with the situation and accepting things as they are. She had planned on staying married bc she has accepted that although my dad would never be there for her emotionally he was able to take care of her and the family financially. She feels like she owes him for that.
He recently was pulled over for driving w a suspended license. He lost it for 10 years due to a DUI. (My mom hides his keys to this day daily bc when he drinks he immediately wants to drive. )He got pulled over luckily was sober and now is facing 6 monthsof jail time. This is a whole other issue (does she stay with him now or leave and finally be free? But that's on her)
He will lose his job and their retirement cushion is pretty much gone. (He needed to work at least another year). So It will be a struggle for my mom
Now I'm stuck. Do I leave or stay? I'm struggling financially now bc I am paying two mortgages (my place is currently for sale) I'm scared I won't be able to help out my mom if needed and there is no way she could help me
I've been thinking of putting up my "relocation " home for sale and staying here where I have some security. I have a job, place and know I can make it financially make it
Yet I fear I'm thinking this way bc I'm afraid of the change and challenge? Ugh I'm so confused
Leave. You don't solve anything by letting your dad's alcoholism ruin your plans. Start over as you planned.
Whether your mother wants to come w/you or not is another matter, and whether you want her to come is as well. I'd ask her to join you, if you want. She's a grown woman, and presumably can support herself.
Are you sure your dad will be six months in jail? Has he consulted w/counsel?
Yes. It's a definite. He was supposed to get longer but his lawyer made a deal. Tues is court. They recently passed strict laws in nj for these types of offenses. He initially was trying to get weekend s but they won't allow it. He has to serve consecutive days
I would leave Have you considered going to al anon and trying to get your mom to go with you?
Yes we both have. My issue isn't with leaving my dad. Ideally I'd love for my mom to leave him but it's her decision and I can't tell her why to do. I've suggested to her that she could come with me. She has a lot to think about. I know guilt will play a major role in her decision. For me it's easier. I am ok with leaving.
I think you should leave. You have given your mom the option to come with and get out of her situation and she has to decide what is right for her. You need to do what is right for you.