I am constantly "the worst."

[vicky]

mic.com/articles/113138/there-s-a-modern-problem-afflicting-our-friendships-and-it-s-time-to-talk-about-it?utm_source=FBTraffic&utm_medium=fijifrost&utm_campaign=CMfacebook


There's a Modern Affliction Ruining Our Friendships — And We're All Guilty of It
Kate Hakala's avatar image By Kate Hakala March 18, 2015 LIKE MIC ON FACEBOOK:
Do you have plans tonight?

Now, let me rephrase that, and let's be honest here: Do you have plans tonight that you'll actually keep?

If you answered anything other than "yes" to the second question, you are not alone. Your answer is one in a plague of "Sorry I'm late!" and "Gah, can't make it!" texts that are floating around in the air at this very moment, caught between "Can't make it. Hard week at work" emails and "Maybe" responses to Facebook events.

And that's because we are living in an era when it's never been easier to fall into the churn of overscheduling, tardiness and never making it there at all. We call it being busy. But we all know what we're really being is flaky.

The absurd cycle of flaking: "I am constantly being flaked on," Alex*, 24, told Mic. Most recently, Alex asked his friend a week in advance to hang at his apartment; on the planned day, the friend never showed nor responded to texts. Sure, there could have been some explanations for the friend's silence. But more likely, said Alex, is there was no good reason at all.

"I choose to interpret this as a reflection of life in your 20s in New York City and not a plebiscite on my personality, [although] it makes me feel rejected and lonely," Alex said. "But sometimes, if I wanted to flake too, it makes me feel relieved or even self-congratulatory, like I won a game of chicken."

Flaking — like that other modern phenomenon, ghosting — is clearly a two-way street. For every "Sorry, can't make it!" text we receive, we likely send two of our own. Giving ourselves permission to stay home with Netflix or take up a more appealing plan can be the most luxurious, freeing moment of our day.

Cassie, 27, told to Mic, "I join about 12 Facebook events a month for shows or birthdays and go to something like two of them. There's nothing like that rush of realizing you won't be caught in a corner with some stale conversationalist or stuck seeing a horrific band. I almost never regret just shooting a text and passing out."

Thus the twin feelings of rejection and relief have become a hallmark of modern friendship. 

A thoroughly modern affliction: We wouldn't keep flaking it if it weren't so damn easy — nothing lets us so seamlessly shed our commitments quite like a text. The Internet hasn't helped, giving us the sense that there are endless social options to choose from on any given night. We average 338 friends on Facebook, giving us a false sense of endless variety and availability.

"Technology makes it so much easier to flake out," Andrea Bonior, clinical psychologist and author of The Friendship Fix, told Mic. "Since many times plans are made through technology, it somehow doesn't feel as wrong to just undo them via technology as well. It doesn't seem as concrete in the first place, as, say, a paper birthday invitation."

In fact, a survey conducted by the social network Badoo found that 43% of 18- to 24-year-olds have canceled plans through social media. "It's infinitely easier and less awkward than having to talk to someone by phone or, worse, tell them in person," Bonior said.

That ease has turned social planning — and flaking — into a last-minute activity. As to what's an appropriate timeframe for flaking? "Two or three hours beforehand," Kelly, 26 told Mic. "The time between two meals," said Isaac, 26. "Six hours," estimated Karen. "Fifteen minutes," said Nate. "Before they have to leave the house," guessed Alex.

The cult of being the "worst:" With every canceled plan comes an apology, excuse or platitude, ostensibly intended to pacify our friends but really meant to put ourselves at ease.

Often those excuses flaunt our stress, using what New York Times writer Tim Kreider called "the busy trap": leaning on our supposedly chock-full schedules in order to bend everyone else's to ours. Feeling overextended with important commitments alleviates our flaking guilt.

When the excuse of business doesn't seem to suffice, we turn to apologetic self-deprecation. Nowhere was this better demonstrated than in Kelly Stouts' "Let's Get Drinks," a satirical essay in the New Yorker:

"B: I am total garbage at scheduling and forgot we were supposed to meet up tonight. Could you do Mon? SO SORRY. I feel terrible.
A: OMG, do not feel terrible. You are not as bad as I am. If you're garbage, then I am, like, the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, because Monday doesn't work. What about tomorrow?"
The casual yet earnest apology, the self-deprecating "I'm the worst's," make us feel like we're absolving ourselves for our lateness sins. The problem is that it disconnects us from that other person's reactions and feelings, putting our own "issues" at the center of the conversation. In the worst case scenario, it can actually damage our friendships.

But actually, let's get serious: No matter how good the excuse, flakiness can signal that we no longer care to invest in our friends, which can legitimately impact our relationships. We have the "you're lucky if you see them" friend, or the friend who is so chronically "maybe" going to attend something that you leave them off the restaurant reservations — even if they're "so gonna be there! Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"A friend of mine was often so late, parties and events would be planned with at least a two-hour buffer specifically for him," Jordan told Mic. "It became a running joke, and in a way, we all stopped taking him seriously because it seemed like he could never bother to take our plans seriously."

Taking friendships seriously sounds like a given, but is hard to actually do. That's why flakiness seems more rampant between friends than it does with, say, boyfriends or girlfriends. "We are more concerned with impressing our romantic partners," Bonior said. "We have more expectations of our friends forgiving these types of transgressions."

We're all guilty: The fact is, we've all been "the worst." "Whatever negative feelings we have about being flaked on might make us justify doing it to others. 'Hey, she did this same thing to me, so I'm not about to go out of my way to keep this date with her,'" Bonior said. Even if we understand flaking totally sucks, we've created a sense of normalcy.

The one way to stop the flaking cycle that's become our social reality? By showing up to brunch on time, by arriving to a friend's house when we say we will and by making it a goal to stop sending "NBD" texts in lieu of real apologies.

And if that doesn't work, let's talk about it over a drink sometime. Just let me know when you're free.

*Some names have been changed to allow subjects to speak freely on private matters.





I hate being a flake. But I absolutely tend to be every once in a while. Sorry, Muddled, lol.

[papie]

I can't relate to any of this. We are all so busy that when we finally plan something (once in a blue moon) nobody flakes. Unless they have lice. Or a stomach virus.

[vampsterdam]

Aziz Ansari just talked about this in his standup. I thought it was hilarious and pretty accurate.


laughingsquid.com/aziz-ansari-talks-about-making-plans-with-flaky-friends-in-his-new-special-live-at-madison-square-garden/

[jinkies]

Interesting. I have a group of friends that regularly gets together for book club, game night, or just meeting for drinks. As a group, we are super flaky. I hosted something a couple weeks ago, and 5 (out of 10) people flaked the day-of.

I love the comment in the article about the relief you feel when you had wanted to flake, but the other person flakes first. "Like you just won a game of chicken." I know this feeling well.

I do think it has something to do with how easy it is to cancel, even at the last minute. If I had to actually pick up the phone and explain myself I would probably be less likely to flake than if I can just text or post something on our facebook group.

The flip side of that is that I think plans seem less "real" if you've only texted/emailed/facebook messaged about them as opposed to talking about them out loud. Maybe that's just true for me and not universal though.

[knx9211]

Yeah, I don't typically flake. I just never make plans in the first place. I've never told someone I'd come to their house and then just not show up. That seems shitty.

[nursewife]

I'm one of these people. Depression and anxiety make it hard to leave sometime. Just getting showered, dressed etc seems like too much effort some days. I've been trying my best to get past it, and try to go out once a week, even if it's only errands. It's a hard thing to break out of I've found.

[Deleted]

I am worse than the worst.

I just decline from the get-go. LOL.

[EmilieMadison]

This is something that I've begun to notice in the last year or so, but I will not put up with. I realize that once in a while, someone has a legitimate need to cancel, and of course I'm forgiving of that. But I guess I have unofficially adopted a 2-strike policy. You cancel on me once, ok-fine. But the 2nd time? I'm not very likely to either extend an invitation to you, nor accept yours. If I agree to do something with you, it means I actually care enough to take time out of my life to spend with you. If you dont feel the same way, then I'm not going to waste my time because there are people I would rather be with who value me enough not to do this and I would rather foster those relationships.

ETA: I will still be friendly with these people, still maintain contact on FB or text or whatever, I just dont attempt to see them. 

[vicky]

Mar 31, 2015 11:49:41 GMT -5 nursewife said:

I'm one of these people. Depression and anxiety make it hard to leave sometime. Just getting showered, dressed etc seems like too much effort some days. I've been trying my best to get past it, and try to go out once a week, even if it's only errands. It's a hard thing to break out of I've found.

Yeah, this. If I'm in a depressive cycle I'm more likely to flake. 
I'm better right now, but damn, it's hard to get yourself out of the funk and out into the world sometimes.

[EmilieMadison]

Mar 31, 2015 11:50:43 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

I am worse than the worst.

I just decline from the get-go. LOL.

No, that is the BEST! Seriously!
Because when you do say yes, it's because you actually mean yes. 

[nursewife]

Mar 31, 2015 11:51:54 GMT -5 vicky said:

Mar 31, 2015 11:49:41 GMT -5 nursewife said:

I'm one of these people. Depression and anxiety make it hard to leave sometime. Just getting showered, dressed etc seems like too much effort some days. I've been trying my best to get past it, and try to go out once a week, even if it's only errands. It's a hard thing to break out of I've found.

Yeah, this. If I'm in a depressive cycle I'm more likely to flake. 
I'm better right now, but damn, it's hard to get yourself out of the funk and out into the world sometimes.

It so is. I find once I get there, for the most part I'm ok. I attend a trivia night, and hate getting ready to go, driving there etc. Once I'm there I usually have a fantastic time. It's so hard to break that cycle though.

[EmilieMadison]

Mar 31, 2015 11:52:43 GMT -5 loonylunalovegood said:

I'm a terrible flake. I hate it. I try not to be and I think I'm getting better, but yeah, its so much easier to text that you cant make it.

 I just...dont get this. If you dont want to make plans, say no. If you make plans, keep them. If you dont want to be a flake, stop flaking. 

[Deleted]

Mar 31, 2015 11:52:34 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Mar 31, 2015 11:50:43 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

I am worse than the worst.

I just decline from the get-go. LOL.

No, that is the BEST! Seriously!
Because when you do say yes, it's because you actually mean yes. 

Hahahaha.  I suppose you could look at it this way.

My nights out (sans husband and baby) are precious and few, so I'm pretty choosy now.

If I go out to dinner, I want to go to a place that (1) I don't already frequent, (2) I would never go to with my husband's family, and (3) is NOT baby-friendly.  If your proposed event does not meet all three of these criteria, I generally send regrets.

[vicky]

Mar 31, 2015 11:56:23 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Mar 31, 2015 11:52:43 GMT -5 loonylunalovegood said:

I'm a terrible flake. I hate it. I try not to be and I think I'm getting better, but yeah, its so much easier to text that you cant make it.

 I just...dont get this. If you dont want to make plans, say no. If you make plans, keep them. If you dont want to be a flake, stop flaking. 

This has become my mantra.
JUST GO. There's no reason to flake. Your friends like you. Stop with the self hate, get your ass in gear and GO.

[vicky]

Mar 31, 2015 11:56:30 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Mar 31, 2015 11:52:34 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

No, that is the BEST! Seriously!
Because when you do say yes, it's because you actually mean yes. 

Hahahaha.  I suppose you could look at it this way.

My nights out (sans husband and baby) are precious and few, so I'm pretty choosy now.

If I go out to dinner, I want to go to a place that (1) I don't already frequent, (2) I would never go to with my husband's family, and (3) is NOT baby-friendly.  If your proposed event does not meet all three of these criteria, I generally send regrets.

I will let you make all the plans

[FastHands]

Can I just say that I probably wouldn't go to the house of someone who tossed the word "plebiscite" into conversation, either? Lol

Really, though, I HATE flaking so much. I've done it a few times since having the baby, and it makes me feel awful. Being there for my friends is one of the few things I consider myself good at, and lately I feel like a crap friend. I'm hoping I feel it more that my friends.

[Deleted]

I do flake sometimes, though.

But, if I do, I usually give notice as soon as possible.

[AuntFlo]

I refuse to be friends with flaky people. I feel so validated when I listen to my friends complain about THEIR flaky friends. It is my biggest pet peeve and so disrespectful imo.

[captainobvious]

I used to be extremely flaky, but I lost some friends because of it and realized the error of my ways. Consequently I force myself to go now, but I don't really know if that's better (because generally I'm not the best company.)

[gault]

One of my biggest pet peeves.

I was in a group 5k (color run) last summer, and my friends showed up almost an HOUR late. I was pissed at myself initially because I was like 2 minutes late. AN HOUR.

I didn't see them for awhile after that. Who the fuck does that? Turns out they were taking pre-run pictures at someone else's house. W.T.F.

[Serenity9]

I rarely flake. But I think it comes from my own unhealthy thing... I'm a people pleaser. I'd be too afraid that people would hate me if I flaked.

[dexteroni]

I was the flake in my early 20s. I would accept but not even with a "if I can" or "maybe," because I didn't want to be mean. But then if the time came and I didn't want to go, I just didn't. Eventually I grew out of it and was (and still am) embarrassed that I used to do it, and I never do it now. I mean I might have to cancel in an emergency, that can happen to anyone, but I would never just not show up or accept a better offer.

I still have one person in my friend group who will never commit to anything up front. The running joke is that he's always holding out for something better, but he still shows up like 99% of the time, so something better must not come along too often, lol. We've all just started letting him know where we'll be if he wants to show up, but we don't count him in. That means he misses out on a lot of ticket purchases and restaurant reservations because he won't just accept firmly from the start, and no one is buying a ticket for someone who's all "we'll see" and "if I can." It seems like a weird and kind of lonely way to conduct your social life.

Re: "the worst" - I just presume people who say that are fishing for a "Noooo, omg you're so not!" kind of platitude even though they're the ones who have been rude. It's annoying.

[btay]

I love when people flake on me. I would almost always rather be home alone. I realize this is not the norm though so I very rarely flake without a good reason.

[felicity]

Mar 31, 2015 11:41:36 GMT -5 papie said:

I can't relate to any of this. We are all so busy that when we finally plan something (once in a blue moon) nobody flakes. Unless they have lice. Or a stomach virus.

This is how we are. If people flaked all the time we'd all be like "okay I guess I'll see you in a couple months!"

[starlily]

I try really hard not to be a flake since I don't like being flaked out on. I'm perpetually 5-10 minutes late because I usually have a bit of a long drive, but if I say I'm going to be there, I'll be there!

[dexteroni]

Mar 31, 2015 12:13:21 GMT -5 btay said:

I love when people flake on me. I would almost always rather be home alone. I realize this is not the norm though so I very rarely flake without a good reason.

lol. Why make plans in the first place then?

[knx9211]

You know what else is awful? H will call, email, text, whatever, one of his friends to see if they want to get together. They don't even respond. At least make up an excuse. Then they'll have a party and not invite us.

Shit, these people don't like us do they.

[pantsparty]

I am more likely to show up on the wrong day than to flake, LOL. I think I was flakier in the past but get-togethers require more planning since we moved, so not showing up seems especially bad.

Oh, actually I flaked just a couple of weeks ago. My parents got together with my cousin and invited me, which would have required driving to OC at 5:00 on a Tuesday. I did not end up going, although I did tell my mom in advance I might not go. Half-flake?

[Muddled]

Lol. I'm pretty sure I've flaked on you too. We're good.

vicky

[laurack]

this happens with my local mom group. Once I set up a moms night because everyone wanted to go out. About twenty people said they were going and then three showed up.

Recently someone else set one up and about twenty people were all "YEAH can't WAIT!" I didn't even reply because I wasn't sure yet if we had plans. It turned out we did so I was glad I hadn't said yes. The day of it everyone was replying to the thread with "oh something came up!" "kid got sick" in the end it was cancelled because everyone bailed.

I mean I get that a kid gets sick sometimes. But, come on. everyones kid got sick? no.