I have feelings.

[sallywalker]

I probably shouldn't have posted this. I have not posted enough for it to make sense. I have a lot of negative feelings and am in BEC mode.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

You're fucking weird. Her rings have nothing to do with your feelings. I'm guessing your actually feeling jealousy because you have very little to say about how he gets along with her or "buys her off (wtf?)."

[sallywalker]

Deleted.

[sallywalker]

Mar 31, 2015 21:40:29 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Mar 31, 2015 21:37:59 GMT -5 sallywalker said:

Ahh I don't think it's jealousy. I guess I'm annoyed at my brother for spending so much $$ on her. I really do think he is doing it because she has to get along with us. Like he is giving it to her as an apology.

Maybe you feel like she's using your brother? Don't like seeing him in an unhealthy relationship?

He is 100% in an abusive relationship. It's so upsetting.

[Captain Serious]

But how your brother spends his money--and even the reasons why--is his own business. You aren't entitled to feelings about it. You are entitled not to like your SIL, but that's it.

Look, I roll my eyes and judge my brother because he can't keep two pennies in his pocket without them burning a hole, but it's his money to waste. It's not my problem unless he comes to me looking for money. When we were younger and he mooched off my parents, I didn't like it, but if they chose to indulge him it was their money, and their choice.

[sallywalker]

It's just funny that she gets such a large gift once she agrees to try to be nice to us. One can't help but think it plays a part.

[bania]

Wow 4.2c is like movie star bling. That's huge!

[sallywalker]

Mar 31, 2015 21:44:30 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

But how your brother spends his money--and even the reasons why--is his own business. You aren't entitled to feelings about it. You are entitled not to like your SIL, but that's it.

Look, I roll my eyes and judge my brother because he can't keep two pennies in his pocket without them burning a hole, but it's his money to waste. It's not my problem unless he comes to me looking for money. When we were younger and he mooched off my parents, I didn't like it, but if they chose to indulge him it was their money, and their choice.

This is honestly helpful. Thanks for posting.

[Captain Serious]

Mar 31, 2015 21:42:57 GMT -5 sallywalker said:

Mar 31, 2015 21:40:29 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Maybe you feel like she's using your brother? Don't like seeing him in an unhealthy relationship?

He is 100% in an abusive relationship. It's so upsetting.

I'm sorry to hear that, and I really, truly get being upset. But this is a separate issue, you know?

[sallywalker]

Ugh. I feel stupid for posting. I have just been so upset since dinner.


Distance is they key here. I do not need to be around these people.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

Mar 31, 2015 21:44:44 GMT -5 sallywalker said:

It's just funny that she gets such a large gift once she agrees to try to be nice to us. One can't help but think it plays a part.

Just ew. You don't know this. You can assume all you want and judge (which is what you are doing) and be jealous (again, really).

[Captain Serious]

I'm sorry seeing him in his relationship hurts.

[Deleted]

Wat??

[sallywalker]

Mar 31, 2015 21:48:06 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Mar 31, 2015 21:44:44 GMT -5 sallywalker said:

It's just funny that she gets such a large gift once she agrees to try to be nice to us. One can't help but think it plays a part.

Just ew. You don't know this. You can assume all you want and judge (which is what you are doing) and be jealous (again, really).

Yes, I am assuming. I don't know that this is 100% correct, but it's how I feel. I'm honestly not jealous and more concerned for my brother. However, your comments about judgment do not go unnoticed. I shouldn't be doing that. You're right.

[sallywalker]

Mar 31, 2015 21:48:01 GMT -5 tators said:

What do you mean he is in an abusive relationship?

Emotional and physical.

[underwaterrhymes]

Mar 31, 2015 21:50:47 GMT -5 sallywalker said:

Mar 31, 2015 21:48:06 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Just ew. You don't know this. You can assume all you want and judge (which is what you are doing) and be jealous (again, really).

Yes, I am assuming. I don't know that this is 100% correct, but it's how I feel. I'm honestly not jealous and more concerned for my brother. However, your comments about judgment do not go unnoticed. I shouldn't be doing that. You're right.

Also - something to think about - how much of this are you getting from your mom? If nothing, this point is moot, but if she is sharing with you, knowing how judgmental and cruel she can be to you, her own daughter, isn't it likely you're getting a distorted perspective?

[Captain Serious]

Is there any chance the way you see them interact is not the way they really are to one another? I know a lot of couples that agree to let the other one "be the bad guy" in front of their families and friends.

Don't want to hang out tonight? Tell them I won't let you.

Want to tell them something they don't want to hear? I'll do it for you.

Don't want to see them/do x/y/z. Say that I am a bitch who never lets you leave the house without a big fight.

It usually sounds good in the beginning, but The unfortunate side effect is that your family and friends will grow to think that your spouse/partner is a bitch/controlling/abusive.

[sallywalker]

Mar 31, 2015 21:53:17 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

Mar 31, 2015 21:50:47 GMT -5 sallywalker said:

Yes, I am assuming. I don't know that this is 100% correct, but it's how I feel. I'm honestly not jealous and more concerned for my brother. However, your comments about judgment do not go unnoticed. I shouldn't be doing that. You're right.

Also - something to think about - how much of this are you getting from your mom? If nothing, this point is moot, but if she is sharing with you, knowing how judgmental and cruel she can be to you, her own daughter, isn't it likely you're getting a distorted perspective?

Most of this comes from personal interaction with my brother and SIL. My mother has her own dramatic interactions which she does share with me. I don't think it helps things.

My whole family needs to be in therapy but we aren't. There is.... A lot.

[sallywalker]

Mar 31, 2015 21:55:39 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

Is there any chance the way you see them interact is not the way they really are to one another? I know a lot of couples that agree to let the other one "be the bad guy" in front of their families and friends.

Don't want to hang out tonight? Tell them I won't let you.

Want to tell them something they don't want to hear? I'll do it for you.

Don't want to see them/do x/y/z. Say that I am a bitch who never lets you leave the house without a big fight.

It usually sounds good in the beginning, but The unfortunate side effect is that your family and friends will grow to think that your spouse/partner is a bitch/controlling/abusive.

No. There is 100% an abusive relationship. My brother admits to this, but things are "better". SIL is in therapy for prescription drug abuse, bit she had two elective surgeries scheduled.

Ugh.

[sallywalker]

Mar 31, 2015 22:02:24 GMT -5 cjoy said:

Mar 31, 2015 21:44:44 GMT -5 sallywalker said:

It's just funny that she gets such a large gift once she agrees to try to be nice to us. One can't help but think it plays a part.

Maybe she finally said yes to anal.

LOL. This could totally be legit. It wouldn't surprise me at this point.

[Captain Serious]

Mar 31, 2015 22:00:59 GMT -5 sallywalker said:

Mar 31, 2015 21:55:39 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

Is there any chance the way you see them interact is not the way they really are to one another? I know a lot of couples that agree to let the other one "be the bad guy" in front of their families and friends.

Don't want to hang out tonight? Tell them I won't let you.

Want to tell them something they don't want to hear? I'll do it for you.

Don't want to see them/do x/y/z. Say that I am a bitch who never lets you leave the house without a big fight.

It usually sounds good in the beginning, but The unfortunate side effect is that your family and friends will grow to think that your spouse/partner is a bitch/controlling/abusive.

No. There is 100% an abusive relationship. My brother admits to this, but things are "better". SIL is in therapy for prescription drug abuse, bit she had two elective surgeries scheduled.

Ugh.

That sucks. I'm sorry. In that case, it does seem possible that he's buying things to keep her happy, but it's his right to do so. I'd focus more on making sure he's safe and knows you'll support him no matter what and help him leave if/when he's ready, and less on how he might be placating her now.

[Captain Serious]

Mar 31, 2015 22:11:58 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

None of this abuse info was In the OP. It was mostly about when she got her jewelry and how big the diamonds were and how you didn't think they were "completely loaded" and that you think your brother is bribing her with jewelry to be nice to you.

To be fair, she admitted that what she posted probably wasn't any of her business, and that she most likely felt all upset about the situation because of the nature of the relationship. I give her props for sticking around to talk it through even though she was solidly told her OP was out of line.