THis is tough because it seems like the whole world feels once you get married kids should soon follow. SO couples who haven't had children by year 2 find that they're always being asked about when little ones will arrive.
It was similar to what we experienced although at the time 2 years came we had been trying for 2 years, but no one knew. I felt like if we told people we'd have pressure and would actually make them ask more. So for us we didn't want to tell everyone, I actually told them the opposite when they asked. "Kids? No way not right now, maybe when we're 30." It seemed to keep people at bay and made me feel less guilty about our infertility.
Finally when we had to see a fertility specialist we went public with family and friends. It was a tough decision but in that case we'd been trying for 3 years, I was tired of brushing off peoples questions and comments. And by that time we'd suffered through 2 losses that I needed to stop living a lie, when TTC was pretty much our life by that point (sad but true). If we had to do it all over again knowing what we know now. I'd do it all the same. Not tell anyone until we had to get help for our issues. It's such a private thing, and lets face it, it'd be fun to REALLY surprise people with the news instead of them anticipating it.
We lost so much of the process when the RE got involved it was nice to have something just between the two of us and not have others know our business to that degree. Also knowing infertility when I heard people were just starting to try, it'd crush me a little inside because I'd often thing "Great another person who will be having their first (second or third) while we're still trying." Just sucked being reminded that others had biological clocks as well at that time
With #2 I'm starting to get those questions again, and honestly sometimes I beat them to it by saying A is going to be a one and only. If that wasn't the case I wouldn't tell anyone. But given that we're not having another I try to beat them to the question by slipping in something about A being an only child. Seems to work.
Fewer people know that we're TTC now because people seem to make one-off comments about "where is #2??" and I always have to field it with "We're trying!"... so that sucks.
DS1 - no, he wasn't planned. BFP about 6 months or so before we really wanted to start TTC.
DS2 - no - I got pregnant on the first cycle. I don't think anyone expected it since DS1 was barely a year old.
DD - I told my BFF. Many people (family and friends) kept asking IF we were going to try for a third. But I was always vague about my answers. I'm just really a private person and don't like people knowing about my business. It took 6 months/4 cycles. In November I told my BFF that it was taking longer than we expected and we were going to take a break. So we should plan a big Vegas trip for our 30th Bdays in April. So we started planning and then I got pregnant in Dec. So in a few weeks I"m going to Vegas 21 weeks pregnant, lol.
My BFF knew and our parents knew wanted a third. Also, my friends at work. Once we had the miscarriage I guess the people we reached out to for support knew we were trying for #3.
Nope. I don't like discussing sensitive matters with people outside of my H and my online message board.
I'm the same way about money. My H will happily talk about both things to perfect strangers and his oversharing has resulted in some strained conversations between the two of us.
I was obsessively posting on GP and had told one close friend. No one else knew. My parents and coworkers were blown away when I announced. We had been married for like 7 yeas, together forever, and I think they thought we would just be DINKS. I'm not keeping it a secret the 2nd time around.
Also I think sometimes men don't seem to have the same pressures/vulnerability as women in this category so they don't understand the big deal. Perhaps I'm wrong.
Nope. I got pg pretty quickly so we didn't really run into any reason/situation to talk about it.
Seems like everyone I run into asks if we are having another though recently. I think I've been asked 6 times in the last week all by different random people. So weird.
I told my sister the first time because I thought I would burst after making the monumental decision to finally have kids. No one else.
Second time, I didn't really tell anyone until we started having trouble. Then I started venting left and right to close friends, especially when I was being tested for all kinds of stuff. I felt like I needed the support and it was good to receive it.
People had a general idea. We waited awhile to have DD and had fielded a lot of "when are you having kids" questions over the years. No one knew specifically when or that I was temping or where I was in my cycle though. We are considering a second. I have talked with a few coworkers about it because we are close. And also DCP because I would like to have a spot for a new baby there.
Post by teatimefor2 on Apr 1, 2015 13:27:28 GMT -5
My BFF knew with number 1. My mom (and therefore likely my dad) knew with number 2 as well as my BFF because I burst into tears when hearing someone was pregnant because we had had struggles with number 1 and I was so worried about number 2.
Just my BFF and a close work friend the first time around.
Now that we're TTC #2, those same people know. I haven't come out and told my mom or sister, but since I've been having issues with my cycles, I think they've figured it out.
Just my husband. Other than that, I told no one until I was 12 weeks along with each kid. I got an OB rec from a friend easily because my former OB/GYN was 45 minutes away so I used that as an excuse.
I may have felt differently if I was getting pounded by questions or was having trouble TTC. It honestly never occurred to me to discuss it with anyone other than my husband.
A couple of our best friends knew the whole time pretty much that we were trying and they were among the first people to know when I got pregnant. I told some more friends after about 6 months or so of trying because they were all wondering why we didn't have a kid yet. H told his parents at some point but I didn't tell mine. I didn't want to tell a lot of people because I didn't want the pressure. Of course that didn't stop people from constantly questioning us when we were going to have kids and I kinda wanted to yell "we're trying, ok?!?!" So not looking forward to the questions about #2 to start!
Well, we didn't, but it was cemented not to say anything when my SIL (who is older) sent a long email to DH asking us to wait until she had her first (she and her DH had been trying for a few months at this time) because she was older, it was only right that she have the first grandchild on their side of that family, that she basically felt she deserved all the attention to herself when she was pregnant (in so many words she wrote this). DH wrote her back and plainly told her if and when we want to start trying for our own family was none of her business, that it will happen when it happens, and although he was sorry to hear she was having trouble, she didn't have the right to ask us to make our family plans around her. I don't think they ever spoke about it again - one of the many reasons she is BEC with me.
ETA: We ended up having our first babies 9 days apart - and she got her wish of having the first grandchild, so it worked out for her I guess.
Our first time TTC I only told my sister. I ended up with a m/c and only my mom, sis, and bff knew about that. The 2nd time we TTC a bunch of our friends knew because they were all trying as well and those conversations were pretty common at that time. That resulted in DD. The 3rd time I only told my sister and bff. Everyone knew about the pregnancy at 8 weeks, but I lost the baby at 14 weeks. The 4th time nobody knew. We weren't even trying, DS is just a product of poor calculations. After losing the previous baby I'm not sure if we would have told people that were ttc or not. If we try for a 3rd I will likely tell my sister because I tell her everything and possibly my bff.
Post by awkwardpenguin on Apr 1, 2015 14:51:26 GMT -5
We're a same sex couple and told our families when we started trying because we knew they'd need time to "adjust" to the idea of us having kids. My wife really didn't want to deal with her family being unsupportive around a pregnancy announcement, so this was our attempt to head it off. It ended up taking us 2.5 years to conceive and during that time we told our good friends what was going on too. In the end, her family was unsupportive when we announced our pregnancy anyway, so I kind of wish we just hadn't told them.
With a potential #2, we would probably just keep it to ourselves.
Yea a lot of people knew. We were pretty open about our timeline whenever anyone asked. Then, when we had the ectopic and I required emergency surgery that kept me out of work a while so pretty much everyone surmised then.
With #1 I only told my close sister we were TTC. We ended up having to tell MIL because of a planned vacation. It took 8 months to conceive DS1 and because of some health issues we had just been referred to a fertility clinic when I got pregnant.
One of my other sisters kept asking me when we were going to start TTC and said she was worried we were "going to pull a fast one on her" and just announce a pregnancy. I guess in the end I did that but it was none of her business that we were TTC and it was taking a while. She got me back by hijacking my house warming party with her own big pregnancy announcement.